treatments

Ketamine, a Brighter Future for Those in Darkness

Ketamine, a Brighter Future for Those in Darkness

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Hello and Welcome.  This is Susan from myketaminestory.com.  I wanted to take another moment to explain to you how involved my family became in order to pull me from my despair.  My son Matthew was a freshman at Virginia Commonwealth University when Ketamine was first spoken of in our home.  Matthew was taking a research class at the time and decided to write his semester paper on Ketamine.  He was then invited to present his finding at the Undergraduate Research Opportunities Program’s yearly presentations. It was all so exciting and fascinating. Matthew’s research paper was accessible online for a year or more, I believe.  I am a very proud mom!  He received an A+ for the class.

Matthew’s professor was very impressed with Matthew’s topic and enthusiasm. Matthew wrote his paper during the same period of time as my first set of Ketamine infusions.  I returned to Virginia after my first 3 treatments for the weekend, and Matthew interviewed me for his paper.  If anyone is interested I have linked his rough draft of the interview.  Matthew incorporated some of the interview into his research.  He also had to include a poster summarizing his findings for the UROP presentation.

This project was beneficial for the whole family.  We are all doing our part to try and change a flawed medical system.  We know how Ketamine changed our lives and we want to shout it off the rooftops in order to bring attention to the drug and its potential life saving abilities.

I have high hopes that by posting his research paper on my website maybe more people will read this informative paper.  Matthew did an amazing job capturing how Ketamine could be the way out of the darkness.  It definitely lifted me up into the light.

Ketamine, a Brighter Future for Those in Darkness

Matthew Gayhart

University 200, 2:00

Professor Boaz

April 16, 2015

Millions of people around the world suffer from Major Depressive Disorder, and many of these people are given drugs to help treat this potentially devastating disease. For many, the first treatment is successful, and if not, certainly the second treatment gives them the relief they so desperately need. Others, however, are not so lucky, people with treatment resistant depression undergo numerous treatments, some of which are more aggressive than others, but still nothing helps alleviate their depression. Recently an older anesthetic, the drug Ketamine, has been making some news as a new depression treatment. This paper will compare Ketamine to the traditional approved methods for treating depression, as well as discuss the next steps in making this drug more widely available. By reviewing scholarship on the subject of antidepressants, as well as available research on Ketamine, and by interviewing a patient who recently underwent a Ketamine treatment, this research highlights the positive results of Ketamine while acknowledging the setbacks that still currently exist, and advocates for the use of Ketamine as a treatment for depression. While more research is required, Ketamine is poised to revolutionize depression treatment and needs to be more accessible to those who so desperately need saving.

Ketamine seems like a very specific drug, that most people have not heard about, and that is very true. This is not something that was drawn out of a hat, the fascination and drive to inform as many people as possible comes from a very personal place. Watching someone suffer your whole life would motivate anyone, and I have seen my fair share of suffering.

I stand in shock and uncertainty as I watch my mother stagger across the kitchen and pick up a pot of boiling water. Moving around the island, where the pot had recently been bubbling away atop the flames from the stove, I walk with her to go to the sink, hoping to be of some help and possibly stop her from handling the hot liquid. We reach the sink together, all the while we are steeped in an eerie silence, laying like a blanket across the kitchen. The only sound I can hear is my heartbeat thundering in my ears. We stand for a moment at the sink, my mother is not looking very steady on her feet, swaying slightly, as if there were a slight breeze that moved only her. I can feel the fear rising in my chest, its icy hand clawing at my stomach, I decide to ask her if I could take the pot and make the tea for her. I do not want her to be pouring the boiling water out of the pot and into the little travel coffee cups that we use for our tea. I can not tell my mother this, for I do not want to hurt her feelings or make her think I did not believe in her, as in her mind she was completely normal. I also could not tell her that in my 10 years on this earth I had never poured my own water for tea, and am really scared, but for my mom I would not show it.

“Mom, let me do that for you,” I say as lovingly as possible, to make it seem as if I am just trying to be a helpful son.

“I can do it just fine,” she replies, with only a hint of frustration. I allow her to continue, because I was not about to fight with her over a pot of boiling water; I had seen enough TV to know how that would have turned out. My mom puts her cup down in the sink, and holds onto it to make sure it would not fall over when she started to pour. That is when I start to become concerned, for her hand is right in the way of all of the hot water that was about to be cascading down. My concern quickly turns to horror as she shakily begins to pour, but it appears as though all is well, most of the water is making it into the cup, and the little bit that went astray did not harm her. Then the cup begins to get very full, but my mom does not seem to notice, and my concern is growing rapidly now. I stand there, not able to move, with no way to get the pot away from her before she pours all of the water out, way too much for that tiny cup. I give a shout of warning, but it is already too late, the cup is overflowing and the boiling water is running all over my mom’s hand. She cries out in agony, and lets the pot fall, causing more water to scald her hand. I rush in, and move the pot, and put her hand under cold water, all the while in a slight state of shock, and the rest of me is kicking myself for not stopping her or not helping. I could have prevented this.

My mom did not just pour too much water, she was in a state of heavy sedation, but that fact was unaware to us at the time. My mom suffers from Major Depressive Disorder, and takes medication for this, however, her case is not like most patients with Major Depressive Disorder. Most of the drugs that have been given to her over the years have done next to nothing, with the exception of showing the nasty side effects of some of the more ‘positive’ drugs. At the time of the incident with the water, my mother was on a cocktail of medications for anxiety and depression. This cocktail, unknowingly to her doctors and us, created the side effect that has been used in the past as a sedative, and in large doses can be much worse. My parents and I discovered this fact in the Emergency Room several weeks later, after my mother fell off of our porch, could not walk (not related to the fall), confused the days of the week, and many more scary events. The events that transpired inspired a search to find answers, and to find something to relieve the pain that was plaguing our family and thousands around the world. The answer came in the form of a drug by the name of Ketamine.

Ketamine is relatively unknown to many people around the world, with its main claim to fame being its use as a party drug by its street name, Special K. For people who have been searching for depression treatments, Ketamine can be viewed as just another drug that is no more effective than any other, and is far more expensive than all of the other drugs on the market. The price can be an issue, but for the people who would have heard about it, money is not an issue. Now this is not to say that these people are rich, because many are not, but they would do anything to feel better, and to some it is the difference between life and death. A majority of the people with depression are given a drug and they start to feel better within a few weeks and they never think anything of it, but for people with drug resistant depression, it is not quite as simple. Drug resistant depression is when someone with depression has gone through at least two different treatments with little to no success with either. Another name for drug resistant depression is treatment resistant depression, or TRD, which has no agreed upon criteria beyond a lack of response to a full treatment. Pérez-Wehbe, et.al (2014) found, “ up to 50% of individuals with depression do not show significant clinical recovery.” (Pérez-Wehbe). People with treatment resistant depression tend to feel more suicidal and have tried everything doctors can think of in an attempt to feel some relief. These patients are always being told about the newest drug that supposedly will help them tremendously. Ketamine, however, is not a new drug, in fact, Ketamine has been around for years. Ketamine was developed in 1962 as an anesthetic, it was used in Vietnam on the battlefield, for it was an anesthetic that did not affect the respiratory system, so only one doctor was needed. However, the veterans who were coming back from Vietnam had many stories to tell about the psychedelic effects of Ketamine. Ketamine is in the same group as PCP and has similar “trips” to LSD. So for this reason the use of Ketamine on the streets increased and its reputation as a date rape drug began to grow. This fact put it on the DEA’s radar and it is now a Schedule III drug, like Steroids (Sewell, 2007). While this is where Ketamine started it was not until years later that doctors began to see that it had antidepressant qualities when used in small doses.

Ketamine has shown incredible results in the limited number of trials and treatments that have been conducted. Due to the high cost of the treatment and the general lack of knowledge in the public, this drug has not been used on nearly as many people as is needed, and not enough tests have been completed. However, in the research that has been completed to date, there have been a great deal of promising results. Price, et.al (2009) conducted a trial on a small group, with only 10 patients continuing to have the full 6 infusion treatment, the results for these individuals was astounding. “Twenty-four hours after a single infusion, MADRS-SI scores were reduced on average by 2.08 points on a 0 to 6 scale” (Price), The MADRS-SI scale is a test given to gauge suicidality and depression levels in patients, the results show that patients scores dropped significantly after only a single treatment. Pollack (2014) also offered the Ketamine treatment, and interviewed one of his patients, who had a very similar experience to those in Price’s study. ” “I look at the cost of not using ketamine — for me it was certain death,” said Dennis Hartman, 48, a businessman from Seattle.  He said that after a lifetime of severe depression, he had chosen a suicide date when he entered a clinical trial of ketamine at the National Institutes of Health two years ago. His depression lifted and since then he has gone to a clinic in New York every two months or so for infusions. ” (Pollack).

Comparing Ketamine to other ‘tried and true’ methods for treating depression can be a little difficult, for it is similar to comparing apples to oranges. However, the difficulty in comparison may just be on the surface, for when a little research is done it can be seen that the conventional methods can be very flawed. Sewell (2007) mentions this comparison in his research, and indicates that one of the major ways in which Ketamine is far better than the alternatives is the speed with which it takes effect. Normally an anti-depressant takes over a month to show any signs of working, and then takes the same or longer to get off of it before the next month process can begin; Ketamine, on the other hand, shows results within the first 24 hours after the infusion (Sewell). In an interview I conducted with a woman who recently underwent the Ketamine treatment, also mentioned this fact when discussing how Ketamine compared to the range of other treatments she has been through over the years. She was most impressed with the rapid rate of effect of the drug, and Susan told me, “The anxiety was lowered within an hour for the first time in my life, i was alert and calm for the first time in my life.” (Gayhart) She also highlighted the fact that she was mentally alert and coherent, the same can not be said for many of the other treatments. Susan tied both the comparison and the results together very nicely, for she has experienced many treatments, including every antidepressant in the book, Electric Shock Therapy, and talk therapy, and she puts Ketamine above and beyond all of them, but more moving than her personal feelings on the drug are her results. She told me that on when she entered the room to get the first treatment that she was actively suicidal, planning and preparing, and rated her depression at a 10 on a 1-10 scale. When I interviewed her 4 days later, she was no longer suicidal and rated her depression at a 4-5 (Gayhart).

Another aspect of Ketamine being used as a depression treatment is the fact that there are no known negative side effects. When looking at many of the drugs on the market today, a majority of them have a long list of possible side effects. Gayhart (2015) said in an interview that there were absolutely no lasting side effects of the Ketamine treatment. The only effects that she mentioned were those that took place during the treatment itself, all of which were more introspective and spiritual, than the LSD like effects that are associated with Ketamine. There have been reports of people dying while under the influence of Ketamine, and these same people have been reported as having been addicted to the substance at the time of their death (Sewell, 2007). Death is a very serious side effect of a drug, but before placing all of the blame solely on Ketamine, one must first further investigate these cases. In all of the cases the people who died were taking a much higher dosage than that used in the professionally monitored environment in which the treatment takes place. These individuals were also addicted to Ketamine, and one disappeared and another drowned, neither causes of death are associated with a complication caused by Ketamine itself. In all of the studies that have been conducted and in any of the clinical trials it has been reported that the psychedelic effects of Ketamine are all over with by the time the patient is finished with the treatment and is allowed to leave. The patients are closely monitored and are not left alone, nor allowed to roam freely, so the fear of them drowning is very low.

A final reason Ketamine should be more widely available for the treatment of drug resistant depression is the fact that Ketamine is far more safe and effective than the currently accepted treatment methods. To begin making this comparison first the efficacy of the approved antidepressants must be investigated further. Kirsch, et.al (2002) set out to discover what clinical results were needed by a prospective antidepressant in order to become approved by the Food and Drug Administration. They began by looking at what was required of a drug for it to be seen as a clinical success. The requirement is two successful clinical trials conducted with placebos (Kirsch). A placebo is used to give the researchers a baseline of what someone’s response should be if they are not actually given the drug, but are under the impression they have received it. So two trials seems like an adequate amount for a drug, the second trial can verify and replicate the results from the first and show that they are reliable. This issue in this system arises from the fact that the number of trials conducted may vary (Kirsch). This means that a pharmaceutical company could run half a dozen trials, and as long as they get two that show successful results they will most likely get the drug approved. To test how effective the drugs actually were Kirsch, et.al (2002) completed their own placebo trial on six of the most common antidepressants and found that in the three main drug’s trials 82% of the drug results were replicated by the placebo (Kirsch). Meaning that telling people they were taking an antidepressant, when in reality they were taking a sugar pill, was just as effective as giving them the antidepressant 82% of the time. While Ketamine has yet to be given with a placebo test group, the results being found by the Ketamine trials are astounding.

Many clinical trials have been performed  using Ketamine, however, none of them have included a placebo group. The trials primarily focus on the relation between the Ketamine treatments and the changes in the patient’s depression and or suicidality levels. Rot, et.al (2010) did one such study, in which they treated ten patients with six infusions of Ketamine over the course of two weeks. They recorded the patients’ depression levels prior to and after each infusion. They found that the average reduction in depression levels was 85% (Rot).  They found reductions of that level after the two week treatment was completed, most typical antidepressants take that long or longer to show any effect at all, and even then it is not usually as major as Ketamine. Dr. Levine (2013), is one of the handful of doctors that currently offers the Ketamine treatment, and he has personally completed the treatment on over 100 patients. He reports that he has not had a single case with any negative side effects, nor any lasting negative reactions. His results also fall in line with previous tests, with a high percentage of patients having a significant decrease in depression levels (Levine).  Unfortunately for many people Ketamine is very expensive and is not covered by any insurance, as it is not an approved treatment for depression. The cost out of pocket for Ketamine is 45o dollars per treatment, putting the total for six treatments at 2,700 dollars (Gayhart, 2015).

Ketamine has in fact been used in trials that include a placebo group. Originally it appeared as if no such tests existed, however, after contacting Dr. Levine (2015), he wrote with the following, “They actually have all had a placebo arm. One earlier criticism had been that it was easy to distinguish who had ketamine from who had plain saline solution, so the study was not adequately blinded. For this reason, more recent studies have used an active placebo, midazolam, which is more difficult to differentiate from ketamine.” (Levine, S.P., Personal Communication, 13 April 2015). What he is saying is that due to Ketamine’s psychedelic nature it was obvious to patients if they received the drug or not. This defeats the purpose of the placebo, and thus another drug was needed to act as the placebo. The feeling that Ketamine is still too under researched to be a widely used treatment method can still be seen, as in all of the research looked at for this paper, not one mentions the placebo arm of the study. Some may feel that there is not ample research, however, it is clear there is an abundance of results already compiled, the findings just need to be related to the public in a more complete manner. While this seems like a contradiction to previous sections, the format is deliberate, as it shows how the research adjusted as time passed, much like opposition, or advocation for this drug.

Ketamine has the potential to save thousands of lives every single year, but there are still a few problems standing in the way of it truly being a viable option to treat depression. First there are not enough doctors or hospitals offering the treatment, as it is highly specialized and is not an approved treatment. Second, the cost of Ketamine is outrageous, this comes in part from the lack of insurance support. Insurance would be more likely to cover the cost of the treatment, were it an FDA approved treatment for depression. However, regardless of these shortfalls hindering the widespread use of Ketamine, the drug is out there and, while there may be a waiting list and an extremely large price tag, relief can be reached by many. With public support Ketamine can be seen as the life saving drug that it has the potential to be, but the first step towards change is knowledge. More trials and more research must be conducted on the safety and efficacy of Ketamine, but that should not stop it from saving people, people who have no where else to turn. Ketamine has all of the makings to be the drug that saves thousands every year, but only time will ensure that the public is properly informed about a drug that has a negative connotation in the mind of many. Continued research and an ever growing advocacy network are key in furthering the spread of Ketamine, a drug that has changed the lives of so many individuals, and hits close to home for everyone involved.

Bibliography

Kirsch, I., Moore, T. J., Scoboria, A., Nicholls, S. S.. July 2002.  The Emperor’s New

Drugs: An Analysis of Antidepressant Medication Data Submitted to the U.S.

Food and Drug Administration.  Prevention & Treatment, Vol 5(1), No Pagination
Specified Article 23. http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/1522-3736.5.1.523a

Levine, S.P., Personal Communication, 14 April 2015.

Levine, S.P. (08 July 2013). Looking Back at Ketamine Delivers New Results in

Treatment-Resistant Depression. HCPLive. Retrieved from

http://www.hcplive.com/news/Looking-Back-at-Ketamine-Delivers-New-Result

s-in-Treatment-Resistant-Depression

Pérez-Wehbe, A. I., Perestelo-Pérez, L., Bethencourt-Pérez, J. M., Cuéllar-Pompa, L., &

Peñate-Castro, W. (2014). Treatment-resistant depression: A systematic review of

systematic reviews. International Journal Of Clinical Health & Psychology, 14(2), 145-153.

Pollack, A. (2014, December 9). Special K, a hallucinogen, raises hopes and concerns as

a treatment for depression. New York Times. Retrieved from  

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/12/10/business/special-k-a-hallucinogen-raises-hopes-and-concerns-as-a-treatment-for-depression.html?_r=1

Price, R. B., Nock, M.K., Charney, D.S., Mathew, S.J.. 1 September 2009. Effects of

Intravenous Ketamine on Explicit and Implicit Measures of Suicidality in

Treatment-Resistant Depression. Biological Psychiatry. Volume 66, Issue 5, Pages 522-526, ISSN 0006-3223. http://dx.doi.org/10.1016/j.biopsych.2009.04.029.

Rot, M., Collins, K.A., … Matthew, S.J., (15 January, 2010). Safety and Efficacy of

Repeated-Dose Intravenous Ketamine for Treatment-Resistant Depression.

Biological Psychiatry, Volume 67, issue 2, pages 139-145. Retrieved from http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S000632230901097X.

  1. Gayhart, Personal Communication, 6 March, 2015.

Sewell, R.A.(Spring/Summer, 2007). Ketamine: Peril and Promise. MAPS bulletin,

volume xvii (number 1). Retrieved from http://www.maps.org/news-letters/v17n1-html/ketamine-peril_and_promise.html.

Ketamine: Understanding And Trusting In A New Treatment When Experiencing Possible Pitfall

Ketamine: Understanding And Trusting In A New Treatment When Experiencing Possible Pitfall

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Hello again.  This is Susan from MyKetamineStory.com.  I have given my subject matter a lot of consideration.  I thought I might slowly lead into this sensitive topic but decided I am going to just jump right into deep waters and address an issue I have struggled with once during my last 2.5 years of Ketamine therapy.  I feel I might be able to provide insight to others that may have questions about Ketamine treatments and possible pitfalls.

I was recently watching a video on YouTube that another Ketamine user posted about his most recent treatment experience.  I have enjoyed watching his videos because they are informative and real.   My fellow sufferer, whose name is Jon, typically posts videos praising Ketamine therapy.  I was aware that he has been struggling for many weeks now.  He was actually pretty distressed and it showed in his video.  He had been shaken to the core by the outcome of his last treatment.  Like me, this gentleman has been getting Ketamine therapy to help his treatment resistant depression and has remarkable success, too.  In his case, he has been receiving Ketamine for the last six months or so.  I have been communicating via email with him and his latest Ketamine session has me wanting to address his situation in a blog post of my own.  The reason I want to share his story is because Jon has valid concerns I want to address.

I want to respect my friend’s privacy so I will refrain from posting a direct link to his video blog just now.  I am sure it won’t be too difficult to locate for those interested in knowing more.  There are not too many patients writing or vlogging about Ketamine for depression.

In brief, the topic of the video Jon just posted this week was on how Ketamine failed him during his latest appointment.  The anxiety he feels has made it nearly impossible for him not to feel discouraged.  I will preface this by saying that prior to this recent post Jon has had phenomenal results with Ketamine therapy.  I feel very optimistic that my friend will rebound when he is able to move past his fear.

I believe that when you find Ketamine and respond well to the initial treatments, you may encounter a session that doesn’t feel as powerful as previous Ketamine treatments you’ve had, and flashbacks of all the your previously failed treatment regimens weigh heavily on your mind.  I experienced it.  Doubt begins to swim in and tug at your toes. Doubt is a persistent nag and soon it has pulled you into its vortex. You want to fight back.  You want to kick free and change these damaging thoughts that threaten to consume you.  I pushed back.  I had no choice.  These thoughts want to convince us that we will always be suicidal and profoundly depressed.  When Ketamine takes action you know how ridiculous this train of thinking is.  I know how bogus these thoughts should be, but when it’s time for another treatment of Ketamine they are not at all absurd.

Those of us with treatment resistant depression are extremely familiar with medication failures.  We know what it is like to try to be hopeful and have those dreams dashed by reality.  The reality is that nothing in our past has improved the symptoms, and here is yet another treatment that we can add to our rejects list.

I am here to add a tiny bit of comfort.  I hope.  I feel that if you are responding to Ketamine therapy and getting noticeable relief, your chances of continued success are increased.  You may wonder why I feel I can make a statement as bold as that.  I can because there is no documentation proving otherwise.  I say this with a massive smile on my face.  I will also add a more acceptable reason for those that don’t find me at all amusing.  I feel I can share my findings and insights because of my personal success with Ketamine.  I waited a couple years to make my judgments and feelings about Ketamine public.  I have a history of failed medications and treatments.  A long history.  As of 2015, I have only been using Ketamine to manage my depression.  I have privately documented and observed myself obsessively.  I would not endorse or boast rashly about treatments.  I promise you.  I naturally question and research. When I was introduced to Ketamine there was absolutely no information available online.  In retrospect,  I believe this lack of findings was best for me.  I suffer with OCD and could spend hours researching and comparing myself to others.  I desperately wanted reassurance that I was okay.  I also needed to know what to expect.  If I was having a side effect I wanted to know that I wasn’t the only one.  I needed to know when I should call a doctor.  I would not rest until I was well educated on whatever current treatment my doctors were trying. I will admit to you that I can totally appreciate being oblivious regarding Ketamine.  I stopped looking and focused on my own recovery.  It helped me focus on me and stopped my compulsive comparing.

I do however see the value of knowing what to expect.  I will discuss all aspects of Ketamine therapy in future blogs.  I plan to continue having Ketamine therapy for my treatment resistant depression and don’t see that changing anytime soon.   For now, it does relax me knowing that it has been over two and half years and I am continuing to improve.  I have worked through that doubt monster.  I choose to stay optimistic.

I have written before about my anxieties about not being able to afford infusions.   I have expressed how uncomfortable the thoughts of being engulfed in darkness again, even briefly, can disrupt my world.  It is really no surprise that the depression wants to constantly remind us how it is in charge.  Treatment resistant depression is vicious.  I know in the beginning of my journey with Ketamine that I was terrified to invest all my hope in a medication that was still in clinical studies.

In early 2015, the information available consisted of vague studies and little else.  I spent two years working through all my hang ups with Ketamine while simultaneously getting healthier and healthier.  It is undeniable how much centers like The Injection & Infusion Clinic of ABQ have helped provide Ketamine to the public.  Information is now available. I have spoken to other success stories too.  It has been a pleasure to learn that more people are finding Ketamine and getting relief. We have compared notes and remarkably we all agree Ketamine is like no other treatment we have subjected ourselves to before.

I digress.

I watched Jon’s Ketamine video and couldn’t resist posting a comment.  I usually reach out to a person in a more private avenue, such as an email or phone call.  The last time Jon received Ketamine, it brought up a lot of unresolved issues and feelings. The pain of his memories and thoughts led him to believe and fear that Ketamine was failing him. Trust is difficult to obtain when our histories have demonstrated that nothing can improve the depressive symptoms. It is easy to assume that once again failure has shown its hideous face again.

I was saddened by his Ketamine video.  The painful struggles Jon has been dealing with lately made me want to openly reply.  I thought it was important; just in case someone viewed his video and had a less than ideal experience.  I did follow my public comment to my friend by reaching out through a more personal email.   It was my hope that he might routinely check his email.  I wanted to reassure Jon.  Plus, I am not sure how often he is online.  I thought it might be helpful for him to hear my words.

I want to help others considering Ketamine as well as those in the early stages of treatment.  I live in this world of treatment resistant depression and understand.  I do. It is a complicated world.  The depression filters are strong and incredibly believable. Our mental illness has an ugly default setting.  Depression lies to us over and over again.  It deceives us in very convincing ways.

I highly recommend getting cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to assist the Ketamine.  I recently told my doctor that I felt my recovery needed three things.  The first and most crucial is Ketamine therapy.  Secondly, in conjunction with the Ketamine I need to practice mindful meditation daily.  Lastly, I think we all need a professional to help process these new thoughts and feelings.  Our depression has been lifted.  It is amazing. We are in a honeymoon phase for months.  Ketamine is our hero.  We have nothing to complain about because we are too busy living life symptom free for the first time ever. As with any relationship the romance begins to waiver.  Our expectations of what Ketamine will do for us long term increases. Ketamine taps into your subconscious and mends.  In order to move forward completely the Ketamine may bring up unresolved issues from your past.  It makes you very aware of connections between your thoughts and behaviors.  It allows you to dig deeper and find the root.  Ketamine allows you insights into your psyche.

Ketamine experiences are unpredictable, in my opinion.  Even after two years I couldn’t tell you in absolute terms what my Ketamine treatment will be like during my next session because it is never the same.  The Ketamine flows through your mind like a dream.  Most people can’t control their dreams and Ketamine is very similar.  I routinely crawl into bed and drift off to sleep and I am not concerned at all with what I may dream about during my REM sleep cycle.  I sleep and have random dreams.  There are nights that I have nightmares.  I am pretty sure the action of going to bed didn’t cause my nightmare.  The subconscious uses this opportunity to process information on a deeper level.  Dreaming is often unpredictable and random. We don’t always remember our dreams but we dream all the same.  Ketamine treatments are as close to lucid dreaming as you can get.  It is similar to having a dream while being absolutely awake.  You are aware of your thoughts.  You are an observer of your own mind.  This is both magnificent and unsettling at times.  It is a process.  Ketamine is healing but you still have to do the work required to make concrete changes.

I try hard to go into every treatment with faith and hope.   I like having that deeper understanding and knowledge that Ketamine has worked repeatedly for me in the past and continues to assist me.  I know how hard that is.  I have cried and cried.  And I was so afraid Ketamine would stop working for me.  Ketamine is all I have and if the effects of  this fantastic drug stop working for me, I am screwed. But it has. Ketamine has worked where no other treatments have.

I cringe when people mention undergoing electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) aka “shock therapy”.  I  went through 12 sessions of ECT several years ago.  It was by far the worst thing I ever did to myself, and I would never recommend it.  Instead, when my friend stated he would have to look into ECT, my genuine and gentle reply was, “please don’t give up on Ketamine.  Don’t stop believing in its ability to help.”  It is a process.

Ketamine is a process.  I personally don’t feel the Ketamine failed my friend, but more so that Jon may not have been prepared for the emotions that the Ketamine treatment brought up.

Sharing is very difficult when you are vulnerable.  It is immensely painful at times. Sharing in open forum runs the risk of haters.  It is also challenging to be honest with those in your world; it can be pretty high risk if you make a mistake in judgment.  I am sharing to educate and to help others like me.  I know there aren’t thousands of resources about Ketamine for us to google.  My writings are based on my experience with Ketamine and may be different from yours.  I believe, after communicating with several Ketamine patients, that we are having similar experiences.

I know from experience with Ketamine therapy that it sometimes takes time to process years of suicidal depression.  Depression so profound that leaving your home feels impossible.  It is because of this emotional pain that I have found I confused the treatment process with my depression and anxiety disorders.

I watched the Ketamine video and listened to the words.  I totally believe that Ketamine allows you to have these intense insights, and often these views into our psyche are depressing and extremely painful.  I could relate to the frustrations.  For me, I was terrified that Ketamine would fail.  It was close to two years before I was convinced I found the right treatment.  It took some time for me to stop terrifying myself with thoughts that the depression would return and kill me if Ketamine ever stopped working.  I thought about it a lot.  I believe it would be hard for anyone suffering with treatment resistant depression and undergoing Ketamine therapy with success. Ketamine helps, but we still have to endure the pain and process on the road to getting healthy.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or Talk Therapy are wonderful tools for helping sort through the confusion.  Depression taints everything.

I have had a similar experience with Ketamine therapy once. I felt so doomed.  It was a one time thing and really a breakthrough in disguise.  I have touched on the subject in another post.  I didn’t want to leave my doctor’s office.  I can feel the shift when the Ketamine hits my system.  There was one incident where I thought I did not feel any relief from the returning depression and I freaked out.  I started catastrophizing.  My thoughts latched onto the habitual belief that I will one day end my life because of my depression and lack of successful treatments.  I  circled the drain.  Unlike my friend who has been afraid to return for another treatment out of fear of discovering Ketamine has stopped working, I didn’t want to wait the two weeks to try again.  I didn’t want to waste anymore time obsessing.  I had to put Ketamine to the test.  I had traveled so far away from the permanent state of depression that I refused to accept that Ketamine simply wasn’t going to work anymore.

Ketamine is Hope.  It is my hope.

Ketamine allows clarity, and often times it is extremely difficult to feel this turmoil because my depression has numbed most of my emotions and memories of pain.  I am constantly frustrated with learning all these new emotions and finding the correct descriptive words for what these feelings are.

I usually leave my doctor’s office feeling uplifted, and I admit, when I thought I didn’t get that relief I have grown to expect during my visit I was super angry.  I was crushed.  I was so bloody angry.  I was also scared.  The doubts started ringing between my ears.  I was severely depressed by the idea.

Ketamine works in mysterious ways.  It has been 2.5 years of treatments now, and I often find myself struggling.  I am no longer dealing with the depression but all the baggage left around from trying to cope with chronic depression.  It is life.  We all have obstacles we must conquer to be whole.

I really feel that the Ketamine allowed Jon to process painful events from his time trapped in the arms of depression, and he was unprepared.  I have learned my depression default setting makes suicide seem like a logical solution.  When life hits me with overwhelming feelings, my thoughts automatically return to suicide as the only real solution.  I wasn’t too excited to learn that snippet of evil.  I think once I made this connection, I could exam the bigger picture.  It was probably the worst two week period I have had to endure. The doubt monster is full of passion when we are in a weak moment.  For me,  knowing that Ketamine has given me relief at all, when nothing else has, is powerful!

I am so confident that the next treatment Jon has will give him the relief he is craving and afraid he won’t get.  I am.  I strongly suggested and highly recommended moving his next appointment up.  Jon doesn’t get Ketamine every two weeks like I do.   His treatments are six weeks apart; sometimes longer.  If he is anything like me, he will probably obsess for the next 6 weeks that the Ketamine won’t work.

It is difficult to need Ketamine. It is painful and utterly uncomfortable. I used to worry obsessively about what I would do if Ketamine stopped doing the job I expect, but I am here over 2.5 years later.  I had one experience where the Ketamine didn’t get it right.  I laugh because looking back, I realize it did.  It was a gift wrapped in pain.  It forced me to work harder to figure out why I didn’t respond in the typical way I usually do.  I know that it was exhausting.   I obsessed on all the pain I caused because of my illnesses and only wanted to die.  Life often feels pointless to me.  I feel these are my default settings and the depression is a lying bastard that wants to destroy me.  I worried about it all.

Ketamine gives me clarity.  We may not always be ready for what it shows us.  We have been in darkness so long that the sunlight burns.  I think that the Ketamine was telling Jon that it was time for him to face these painful feelings of regret.

I think Ketamine gives you a crash course in the grief process. It is frightening, but I know I have to process and push through.  Change comes.

The Ketamine will give Jon relief and after his next treatment he will probably kick himself for waiting so long for relief.  The ego and illness want 100% control, and I think it lies to keep that power.

I realize that my Ketamine friend is in a bad place right now and if the only thing he can absorb from my ramblings is to make a sooner appointment I am okay with that. I just don’t want him to continue torturing himself unnecessarily.  Trust me, I do know. Recovery and healing are not linear.  I hope if there are others facing the doubt monster right now that my words will offer comfort and strength to keep striving to get well.

This article was originally posted on The Injection & Infusion Clinic of ABQ

i can see the sun but still a prisoner i feel

i can see the sun but still a prisoner i feel

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Hello again.  It has been a very long while.  This past Wednesday was Ketamine day for me, and I feel the need to express myself at last.  I have been away for several reasons.  I could jot down all of the excuses and make them believable to some, and lies to many more, but I stayed away for one reason.  ME.  It was selfish.  Maybe.

I know that when you share in an open forum you risk misunderstandings and negativity.  I honestly thought I was emotionally strong enough to withstand the scrutiny and ignorance.  I naively believed that my words and story would shout louder than the skeptics.  The fundamental problem is the lack of information available to support my personal experiences.  I have lived with treatment resistant depression and anxiety for decades.  I have been so far into the darkness that I forgot what the sun looked like.  I was told repeatedly that I had a candle burning to light my way back to the surface.  I constantly denied this spark existed.  I could not locate it, no matter how hard I clawed and crawled my way around the darkness of depression.

In January of 2015,  I took it upon myself to extinguish the smoldering fire.  I have tried many times to end my suffering.  The last time I was not afraid.  I was so completely raw and broken.  I had doctors reeling to find a solution.  A few of my doctors have wanted to find a possible way to pull me into the sun but to no avail.  I have undergone countless procedures and taken countless medications, with only horrific side effects and more health concerns as a result, along with my constant desire to take myself out of this bloody nightmare filled with a harmful package of lies.  That is what depression is to me now: a sad, torn, and beaten package of destructive lies.  Ketamine gifted me with the ability to recognize the difference between truth and fiction.

It was during my time in limbo that my husband found an article on Ketamine and its new uses with treatment resistant depression.  I barely survived the time it took to get the money saved for the experimental treatment.  I had no hope.  That is what darkness will do, it will kill hope.  However, Ketamine therapy pulled me up and into the sun.  I assist the Ketamine by constantly working to make mental connections between my behavior and thoughts and the way I interpret the world around me now.  I can see the sun but still I am a prisoner of depression.  I know that if I was not getting Ketamine treatments the darkness could easily engulf me.  While that may be true, I also realized one amazing belief…  I am the sunshine.  I fight daily to shine and reflect.  I want to be so bright that I can help lead the way out of darkness for others just like me.  Ketamine may be a solution.  It was my solution.

Please understand:  Ketamine is a drug to help.  It is not a cure.  You will not get six infusions and lead a symptom free life.  Ketamine will probably replace your current medications and therapies, or some of them.  While this may seem discouraging, I know it is not.  I get IM Ketamine once every two weeks!  One drug.  No lasting side effects.  (I have been known to get sick during  the brief time the Ketamine is in my system,  or feel “hungover” for the remainder of the day.)

I am engaging in life.  I know I see the sun and yet still have bars all around me, but each day I destroy another brick, and more iron and steel.  I have faith that the prison I find myself in is temporary.  I feel the warmth of the sun, and it dries my tears and makes me sweat out toxic thoughts and habits.  Ketamine has given me clarity.  I am not in a haze.  I know this feeling will last for a solid week or more.  The time between appointments and how well the Ketamine works and last is frustratingly unpredictable.  What I am saying is,  I have gone 12 days feeling amazing.  I have also gone only four days after a session of Ketamine.  It is important to be aware and to question.  This drug is so new for treating depression.  There is not enough evidence to state too many facts about Ketamine and if it does or doesn’t work.  There are more and more of us proving that it does.  I have had success with Ketamine in IV, Intramuscular, and nasal forms.  I personally receive IM Ketamine every two weeks, and as I stated, I have been for over two years now.  I find that if I am stressed or exhausted  it is harder for the Ketamine to last as long.  During situational stress, sadness, and grief the feeling that Ketamine is assisting in any way feels limited.  The mind is powerful.  And so are habits.

I spent decades battling this disease.  I have often failed miserably in my attempts to save myself from the demons living in my mind.  I would keep trying.  Trying until I could no longer.  A vicious cycle.  I have a tool box full of coping strategies.  I am proud to say I am capable of benefiting from using these tools now.  I see progress.  It takes time.  Unfortunately, it also takes a great deal of money.  One day, I hope this will not be the case.  It is very difficult advocating for a drug I know costs so little yet the industry is making a fortune off of.  My only suggestion is to approach local doctors with the hopes of educating them.  Try inspiring them to want to get involved in your success and in this massive shift in pharmacological treatments of mood disorders.  I can attest to how marvelous Ketamine has been for me.  It will continue to aid me in my recovery.  I trust Ketamine.

I can’t express enough how much I am enjoying the sunshine.  These bars around me are an illusion.  I will break free.  One by one.  I know these walls and materials have their weaknesses too.  I will find them and obliterate each one.  I know with time and the help of Ketamine I will redefine my default setting.  I already am.  It is frustrating and time consuming.  I want to be whole.  I want to no longer identify with being broken.  This takes time.  I keep reminding myself.

I have found over the last month that innocent questions about my recovery forced me into doubt and negativity.  I spoke to my doctor about my concerns and what I was hoping to accomplish by blogging about Ketamine and depression.  I had to pull back to get strong and recalculate my goal.  I know I have an issue with wanting to be super human and save all of us tortured souls.  I want to shout about Ketamine.

People are curious but so uneducated.  I have a history of success with Ketamine, yet there are some wanting only to mention the street and club version of the drug they have tried or read about.  The clinical trials have been with IV Ketamine and not Intramuscular (IM) Ketamine shots, so it absolutely annoys me when I read that “IV Ketamine is the only safe, effective method”.  This is undeniably a disservice for those that can’t afford infusions but could surely benefit from other Ketamine delivery methods.

I say, approach your psychiatrist, family doctor, or another close physician you feel comfortable confiding in and investigate the possibility that they would be willing to administer Ketamine shots, or even prescribe nasal Ketamine.  It is worth it.

I know I can see and feel the sun after decades of  life being pitch black and cold.  I know I may still feel a prisoner of depression when the Ketamine starts to lose its grip and the depression filters get switched back on.  When breathing is all I want to do but can’t.  I sense when I am sliding.  I get uncomfortable.  I get resentful.  I still have much work to do to break enough space between a couple of bars to crawl through.  The fantastic thing is, I know where to dig. And, I am getting better at using all the tools around me to get the job done.  I may be a prisoner, but in no way am I trapped here.  I have Ketamine.

insightful

insightful

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When I first met you, I was extremely ill
but you looked into my blue eyes,
eyes that I figure hide everything
all my pain, all my anger, my entire life
yet you could see that I had no childhood

You were correct, I was robbed of the laughter,
the enjoyment all the things a child should have
I grew up resentful, alone and feeling awful
I thought that every dreadful episode was my fault and guilt
accompanied every event in my life, even before I was able to fight back

I really don’t know how you knew these things
when I was an expert at disguising what lie inside
you could see my inner soul when others couldn’t
tears came because of my broken heart, you said
I must have felt safe with you to be so open

I would love to know, to remember
all the conversations we have had
I pray daily for my memory to return
I practice every chance I get not to be so upset
at the devastating fact that I can’t recall any of them

I do thank you for having the recollections that you do
I listen closely for words, stories, incidents
that may trigger my mind into the past months
so far nothing has been restored to me
but with your caring and sharing, maybe one day
SEG

*Most of the poetry posted on my website was written during my teens and twenties. There are a few exceptions but typically I find myself wanting to journal regularly and write poetry if inspired. Poetry has been my therapist during many trying times. I have decided to post these poems because it reflects my history with suicidal depression and the struggles I encountered trying to cope with life and depression.

memories

memories

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The panic I feel when things don’t go as planned
I can’t breathe, think or know how to react
my memory it does not help or ease the fright
and that sense of anger overwhelms me
due to my choice to have electro convulsive therapy

I want to recall with all my might to be able
to reminiscence and have the knowledge I lost
it upsets me to no end all that’s gone
when others say that it is alright in time it will return
what they don’t realize is it didn’t happen to them

It’s not fine what I have forfeited because of my choice
the doctors, everyone I talk to tell me that eventually
someday I’ll recollect all that was stolen from me
until that day or moment when it’s supposed to occur
how do I handle all the anxiety and depression I feel

I want back what I perceive I can’t have
nevertheless I deserve to possess each and every event
that has been seized from me, I can’t stop obsessing about it
even though I agreed to under go shock treatment
It’s causing me such distress, it’s eating me alive
SEG

*Most of the poetry posted on my website was written during my teens and twenties. There are a few exceptions but typically I find myself wanting to journal regularly and write poetry if inspired. Poetry has been my therapist during many trying times. I have decided to post these poems because it reflects my history with suicidal depression and the struggles I encountered trying to cope with life and depression.

too busy living

too busy living

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Hello again.  I had every intention of blogging on the day of my Ketamine therapy.  I was excited to get back home and share all the wonderful experiences I had and what I learned.  I wanted to share what Ketamine therapy feels like before, during and after treatments.  I had millions of thoughts racing to make their way to my laptop.  I was giddy at the thought of expressing all the observations I was going to make note of.  I went into this past treatment in such a desperate state of mind.  It had been a rough two weeks between treatments this round.  I knew that I had been in a dark place but it wasn’t until I got my Ketamine shot that I realized how far down the rabbit hole I had fallen.

I remember the drive back to Harrisonburg.  I am solid.  I am relaxed.  I turned to my husband and just smiled.  You know, that smile that words melt into?  A smile that needs no voice to express meaning.  The smile that represents life.  It is, for me, similar to that expression about how the eyes are windows to the soul.  A smile, a true genuine smile that reaches the eyes can actually tell a bigger story.  As a photographer I am aware of this when I am on a photo shoot.   I have realized that since I began my Ketamine therapy I smile; a lot.   I catch myself.  I giggle.  It must be insane to witness.  I want to be a child so it is acceptable to be this silly.  I know I am a little girl learning how the world works all over again.  This time on solid ground that is unwavering and clear.  It feels that way to me.  I am experiencing reality with young eyes and it is remarkable and worth breathing in.  I just feel a full sense of peace surrounding me, encasing me.  It welcomes me back to the living.  I embrace it.  I have a calm clarity.  The fog is lifted and I see the wildflowers once again.  The colors are stunning.  I am not lying when I say that the world looks in super sharp focus.  It isn’t hazy.  I realize as I am writing that the closest thing I can compare the depression to is a nasty head cold. Remember that feeling?  When you fight your way through those miserable days with tissues and cold medicine hoping to get to the other side without your head exploding.  You reach a point where you are stuffy, can’t breathe, throat hurts from breathing through your mouth, your head is pounding stronger than the base on your child’s car stereo and your only desire is to shut that all down fast.  You want to die.  Yes?  Well, if you were to multiple that by infinity you might experience my world because that feeling you are remembering never goes away for those with treatment resistant depression.  This description might allow you to have you a fraction of understanding on depression.  I will admit nothing my past doctors have tried made it possible to get rid of that pesky, deadly head cold.  Ketamine destroys that hypothetical head cold and the relief is phenomenal.  I am no longer weighed down and sickly.  I can breathe.

It has been a couple days since my Ketamine shot.  I kept wanting to sit down and create an amazing blog describing this sensational recovery.  I have so many ideas and topics to discuss.  I’ve been asking myself why is it so easy for me to make the time to write when my world is falling apart yet I can’t find an hour to share how incredible Ketamine is for depression.  I finally figured out why.  I am delighted and ashamed to admit the reason.  Can anyone guess why?  It feels good in a way to put these findings down on paper.  I mean, it is incredible.  All these new discoveries, they are so exciting to me.  I breathe in life and exhale the pain; easily.  I am living.  I am not locked up in my safe home afraid to involve myself in anything outside my own misery.  I feel good.  I want to do.  I have the ability.  I feel confident to do.  I want to take advantage of this time.  I guess I am still having issues with trust.   I write that down reluctantly.  I am terrified that Ketamine will disappear.  I will crash and tumble to pits so low a rope will never reach me.  I resent having that fear.  I look forward to the day when Ketamine is covered by insurances and doctors will think of Ketamine first before subjecting people to the horrendous side effects of antidepressants, other medication cocktails, and hospitalizations, but I degrees.

It occurred to me today that the reason I wasn’t writing was because I am out there living.  I am not noting the glories of Ketamine because I am too busy living.  And what, I ask you, could be a more profound statement of the abilities of Ketamine than that simple fact.  I am too busy living…..

hallow

hallow

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They said that they would help me
they voiced that they cared enough
not to let me down or let go so easily
instead they left me feeling empty inside

What they didn’t know is the insurance company
had all the control to what I could have
the people trying to help had no power
the insurance company took it all away

So I sit here feeling so hallow inside
anger is alive within me dancing
around and round, no ability to stop it
panic at the fact that I can’t have what I need

Lost and agonizing over and over again
vacant emotions all I can do is accept it
when I know that I should feel irate
indeed I am but what can I do but let it go

I’m so tired of being sick and lacking relief
I’m being shuffled from place to place
and the expense is killing me, no tears
It’s known that I am alone and vulnerable

So hallow internally that I want to scream
I want to shout out at the system
how am I ever going to trust anyone
when you keep pulling the rug out from beneath me?
SEG

*Most of the poetry posted on my website was written during my teens and twenties. There are a few exceptions but typically I find myself wanting to journal regularly and write poetry if inspired. Poetry has been my therapist during many trying times. I have decided to post these poems because it reflects my history with suicidal depression and the struggles I encountered trying to cope with life and depression.

from where i am standing

from where i am standing

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Hello again.  It has been a grueling week.  I am sincerely using everything in me to stay afloat.  I am reaching out when I need to.  That is a massive accomplishment in and of itself.  I am known as being stubborn and not asking for help until the only options often lead to hospitalizations.  I reached out to my local doctor, Dr. Moseley and I contacted the doctor I initially started my Ketamine treatments with, Dr. Steven Levine, by email.  I am hoping for some answers because from where I am standing the waves are building and I am not ready to surf.  I am shaking, isolated and I feel the undertow pulling.  One thing I have found remarkable about the doctors I now allow to treat me is how after a year or more Dr. Levine still answered my email promptly.  That my friends is impressive to me.

I am still struggling with pain.   I have been to several doctors over the past weeks and I am trying to be patient but I am finding myself spending a lot of time breathing and centering myself.  I am unfortunately painfully aware of how often I am stopping everything to breathe and gain clarity so I don’t snap and break.  If I had to calculate I would say four or five times more daily I am spending inhaling and exhaling with purpose.  I have so much tension in my body that it physically hurts to focus on my full breaths.

After seeing my family doctor for relief and answers to why I am having such unbearable, I am going to lose my job, screaming profanity in an empty room pain.  I walked away with pain medicine, lab work and x-rays.  All my blood work came back normal except the test for menopause.  It clearly stated I am definitely experiencing menopause.  It is wrecking my sleep, mood and possibly the Ketamine.  I need to know, could menopause effect the way Ketamine works?  I asked and sure, it is possible.  Dr. Levine needed more information from me and was not comfortable addressing the issue in an email.  I understand and respect that.  I did push and requested he discuss my case with Dr. Moseley.  I am praying he will agree to take the time.   I am now in menopause and my emotions are all over the place; and the places it is taking me definitely not vacation worthy.  I am wondering if my treatment needs to be temporarily adjusted.  It seems unknown to me at the moment and it is probable that the answers are not available yet.

I was put me on pain medication for some relief last Thursday.  I will say that did not turn out very well.  They changed the prescription after one day and that change in medication surely didn’t go my way.  It made me sick and quickly sent me to suicidal hell.  I am fighting my way back after discontinuing the pills after three days.  I stopped it out of fear for my mental sanity.  However, the pain is excruciating.  I have been trying to breathe through the pain and hot flashes.  I will be honest I feel overwhelmed.  I am not sleeping well, very little.  I am wondering if the constant chronic pain and/or menopause could be a reason that the Ketamine doesn’t seem as effective this last time round.

I do realize that I have a lot on plate which could explain my “lack” of improvement after my last shot.  I don’t know.  And because I don’t have the answers I am forced to reach out in hopes that I can get reassurance or change treatment dose or frequency.  I want insight.  I desire to hop out of the pit I am in before it melts into quicksand and purges me into darkness.

I have been to doctor after doctor this past week or two.  I have blood work results and x-rays.  I also saw a specialist in Rheumatology yesterday and had more orders for blood work, Xrays and tests.  They are narrowing down the cause of the hand pain.  It is possibly an injury to my neck or more likely inflammation of the blood vessels – I believe the doctor said.  I will know more…. with time.  I am growing impatient.

The menopause is causing major issues with my clinical depression.  I am very concerned.  I can’t get up to NJ to see Dr. Levine very easily, but if I had to I would make the trip because I can’t slide any farther.  It is already worrisome for me.  I am getting further away from believing, with everything in me, that I can battle this especially if the Ketamine isn’t working as effectively as it did only weeks ago.  This is very unusual.

I am hyper aware of the many changes I have accomplish with Ketamine.  I have many questions and because this drug has little information available it is difficult for me to find the answers and reassure myself.  If I speak with Dr. Moseley he often refers me to Dr. Levine for specific questions because there is still research being gathered and we both admit that we are continuing to learn  as we go.

I am hanging over the edge here and trust me when I tell you that I have not been anywhere near this edge in a very long time.  I feel I am a self aware person.  The Ketamine, it keeps the depression filters off!  My default setting is changing.  I have lost several things in the past several weeks that I feel may have been avoided if there was the option to increase dose or frequency even if temporarily. But I have no idea.

I feel lost and desperate. And honestly angry. I know what life is without the depression filters and settings switched to the on position.  Now I know what is available to me and how rich my life can be.  As you that live in my dark world fully know, depression kills.  I feel it is killing me.  I still have to make it until next Tuesdays appointment.  I am so grateful that it is a day earlier due to a scheduling issue on my part.  I won’t hesitate to state I could use it today.

I am here, reaching out when I am fighting with myself to just let it go of life and that is unacceptable.

I know what Ketamine has done for me and I will keep announcing the power of this therapy.  It has given me the tools to deal with living on the shoreline and not under that vast, deep, dark ocean waters.  I have stood on the sandy beach and I refuse to sink.  I have gained internal mental strength to endure and succeed.  However, if there is something wrong with my life preserver when the currents are strong I am bracing myself because I fear I am going under.  I think a tiny leak in my preserver is occurring.  I am no longer playing in the sands building castle for my hopeful future.  Instead I am on a piece of weathered wood and I am not confident at all that it will hold me up much longer.  I hate this feeling.  I so do.  I don’t understand it.  I don’t.  I wish I did.  I wish I could absorb the depths of the hows and whys of depression and how Ketamine factors into the equation.  I have slightly embraced that I don’t need to completely get it all but that is laughable.   Inquiring minds….

And I want to know.

 

trust

trust

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The feeling of death is upon me
I’ve plunged into the boiling hot pot
I was beginning to sense some relief
but for some unknown reasons I’ve fallen

No voice, no words that explain why,
why I can’t see straight, a reason to live
what happen to the power, the courage
the desire to fight to the every end?

I have broken down and lost
I’ve been struggling to win this war
I thought and strongly felt as though
I was on the right path this time

My depression, the illness caught me off guard
and now I feel I have no strength left
to attack back, no energy to want to win
my only urge is to crawl back into bed

To sleep and pray that I awake feeling differently
or to never arise again to such anguish
I want it all to end, to feel invigorated
to move on, however, I don’t perceive that as a reality

I used to believe desperately that
I would heal but I’m so uncertain now,
the doctors tell me they can help, In my heart
I acknowledge that I may not trust them anymore
SEG

*Most of the poetry posted on my website was written during my teens and twenties. There are a few exceptions but typically I find myself wanting to journal regularly and write poetry if inspired. Poetry has been my therapist during many trying times. I have decided to post these poems because it reflects my history with suicidal depression and the struggles I encountered trying to cope with life and depression.

on the outskirts

on the outskirts

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Hello again.  This is Susan from myketaminestory.com.  I made it to Ketamine day.  I have been on the outskirts of depression the past couple days.  I am actually surprise that the depression filters have not been switch on yet.  It is like a force field.  I can feel it radiating towards me but it looks like my Ketamine shots will occur before it can wrap its claws into me.  I am grateful.  I am dealing with enough chronic pain in my hands that the intensity is plenty to cope with.  I have an appointment to see another doctor and hopefully this one may have an answer or solution to why I am experiencing the pain.  I am still waiting for someone to prove the Ashton Manual wrong regarding long term use of benzodiazepines  and permanent lingering withdrawal symptoms such as nerve damage.  I am longing to get answers, hoping, but more so I need relief.  I am suffering insomnia badly because of the pain.  It is constant 24 hours nonstop.  I am typing now in a pain that borders on insanity.  It is so much worse in the winter months.  I am obsessing about how this will never end and how unbearable it is.  And what is the point.  Yeah, right there on the outskirts is where I am standing.  I can see the poison and taste it on my lips.  I am pushing back.  I write and discover that my thoughts are drifting towards the default setting.  That depression setting has a password I can’t hack.  I would love to give it a nasty virus but instead it attacks when I am in stand by mode.  I believe now as I write the pain has definitely disguised the depression signals I usually get before Ketamine day.  I recognize that these feelings will only multiple if I wasn’t on my way to get my treatment today.  I spiral quickly once that force field shuts off.  I am so appreciative of Ketamine.  It is all just too much.  The last couple days have not been pleasant at all.  I am exhausted.  I am fearing what the results will be if this pain doesn’t cease.  Ketamine can only do so much.  It doesn’t combat all evils, but enough……

Heading out to my appointment.  I am sure my writings tomorrow will reflect the difference.  I seriously don’t make this shit up.  It is like night and day.  Two different people carrying the same baggage.  The Ketamine keeps that mess locked up tight in a gorgeous designer bag.  The days leading up to my treatment that baggage is kept in a used torn plastic garbage bag; everything just bursting at the seams and utterly ugly.  Man, I can’t wait for that shift.

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