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November 4 2017

My Ketamine Story: Explaining My Experiences With Ketamine For Those Considering Ketamine Therapy

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Hello again. This is Susan from myketaminestory.com. Welcome to my Ketamine blog for the Boise Ketamine Clinic website. I am excited to have another platform on which to share my experience with Ketamine treatments, in hopes of educating others on the potential this drug has for helping those, like me, with Treatment Resistant Depression (TRD).

As many of you know, I suffer with TRD, anxiety disorder, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). I am a huge advocate of Ketamine therapy for depression. I write about my experiences with Ketamine treatments on my website, MyKetamineStory.com. I want to introduce myself to you because educating others on this new method of treating depression is so very important to me. I am 100% convinced that had I not been told about Ketamine, I would not be sitting in front of my computer writing this opening. I wanted out of the center of my hell. I wanted to find a path to take me away from the bleak existence I lived in. I felt so trapped inside a demonic labyrinth. I was flat-out depressed and dying. Ketamine offered me a key and a map. I am on a journey.

I am always amazed at the number of emails I receive asking me what Ketamine Infusions feel like. I have written about this a few times in the past. I will reference a few blogs I have written on the subject. Writing on the subject of Ketamine is a major theme in the Gayhart household.

In an interview my son, Matthew, conducted with me for his freshman research paper at VCU, Ketamine, a Brighter Future for Those in Darkness, he tackled the tough questions that I still find myself being asked by fellow sufferers and professionals alike. The following are a couple excerpts from Matthew’s research paper describing my initial reactions to Ketamine Infusion Therapy and comparing Ketamine treatments to traditional methods of antidepressants.

One of the major ways in which Ketamine is far better than the alternatives is the speed with which it takes effect. Normally, an antidepressant takes over a month to show any signs of working, and then takes the same or longer to get off of it before the next month process can begin; Ketamine, on the other hand, shows results within the first 24 hours after the infusion (Sewell). In the interview I conducted with a woman who recently underwent the Ketamine treatment, also mentioned this fact when discussing how Ketamine compared to the range of other treatments she has been through over the years. She was most impressed with the rapid rate of effect of the drug, and Susan told me, “The anxiety was lowered within an hour for the first time in my life, i was alert and calm for the first time in my life.” (Gayhart) She also highlighted the fact that she was mentally alert and coherent, the same can not be said for many of the other treatments. Susan tied both the comparison and the results together very nicely, for she has experienced many treatments, including every antidepressant in the book, Electric Shock Therapy, and talk therapy, and she puts Ketamine above and beyond all of them, but more moving than her personal feelings on the drug are her results. She told me that on entering the room to get the first treatment that she was actively suicidal, planning and preparing, and rated her depression at a 10 on a 1-10 scale. When I interviewed her 4 days later, she was no longer suicidal and rated her depression at a 4-5 (Gayhart).

Another aspect of Ketamine being used as a depression treatment is the fact that there are no known negative side effects. When looking at many of the drugs on the market today, a majority of them have a long list of possible side effects. Gayhart (2015) said in an interview that there were absolutely no lasting side effects of the Ketamine treatment. The only effects that she mentioned were those that took place during the treatment itself, all of which were more introspective and spiritual.

I feel pretty strongly that any effects I feel during my Ketamine sessions are so worth the relief I get. I have no desire to change my treatment plan and in fact want to educate others on my success and the possibility of a hopeful existences surrounded with sunshine and very few stormy clouds. I have learned that everyone has bad days, but they are temporary. A very new concept for me.

I will summarize a few of the interview questions Matthew Gayhart asked me for his research paper with the ultimate goal of answering the number one question I am asked time and time again and in doing so reduce anxiety and pacify the inner dialogue insisting this is yet another fruitless therapy. I hope by the end of my blog today you will have the answers you need to determine whether you want to investigate further. So here goes…..

The number one topic I find in my inbox is, how will Ketamine make me feel and how can I prepare for treatments?

In the early part of 2015, when I was first introduced to Ketamine and the information about Ketamine use for depression was extremely limited, I stayed away from the internet and focused solely on my recovery. The reason I mention this is because most of the information I provide in my blogs has not changed drastically for me over the last couple years. However, if I discover insights about my treatment I do try to add updated information whenever possible. I am combining many sources, journals, and writings from the past couple years in order to help interested sufferers and families understand Ketamine through my history and experiences with depression and Ketamine therapy.

My dream is to offer hope to those still in darkness.

I have continued to get Ketamine treatments with success. It is not for everyone. I understand that. It is the right drug for me. It could be the answer you, a family member or friend. If I can help ease your mind with my insights I would feel blessed. I am living in the light and do not see that changing now that I am receiving Ketamine therapy regularly.

I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression, which is also called Major Depressive Disorder, at the age of 18. However, I feel that I have suffered all of my life, being aware of it at the early age of 6 or 8. I was also diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder at that time. I have also been diagnosed years later with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).

I found myself fighting demons I didn’t understand. I could no longer deny how this inner turmoil was affecting my life. I first started doing talk therapy at the age of 18. I knew something wasn’t right with me. My depression has led me to having to go into hospitals for psychiatric care; both inpatient and outpatient care, more than a dozen times, over the course of 20 years. Doctors have tried a combination of 3 or 4 psychiatric medications mixtures to lift or alter my depressed state and lower anxiety levels. It was probably in excess of 2 dozen or more combinations, or “Cocktails” as it is often referred to. I also received 12 ECT treatments over a one month period during a three month hospital stay, about 15 years ago. I can regretfully conclude that none of those treatments worked.

I laugh when I am asked to compare my treatment plan with Ketamine to my past medications and regimens. The first thing I will point out is the most obvious and that is, the Ketamine doesn’t take 4-6 weeks to figure out if it will work. That can not be said about traditional antidepressants. I was told I would probably know right away if the Ketamine was going to work or not, and I did, within an hour. The anxiety I could never escape was lowered within an hour. I was alert and felt calm for the first time in my life. It was fast acting. My results were very obvious. Clearly I couldn’t hide the fact that I felt better. You could hear it in my voice.

I can state after 2.7 years of Ketamine use, I have had no reports of any side effects. In fact, on many occasions, I only feel the relief the drug gives me and rarely experience the dissociative effects often mentioned in articles about Ketamine. I do have sessions that feel intense, but the majority of my experiences now are mild.

In the beginning, for me, during the treatment I experienced the effects of Ketamine, but once I had the treatment and it is over you no longer have to worry as you did in the past about traditional lingering issues such as weight gain, liver issues, diabetes. mood swings, suicidal thinking, anxiety, urine retention, Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) and other internal discomforts, insomnia, and the list goes on and on. With Ketamine therapy I have had nothing negative to report. When you leave your doctor’s office those “usual” or “unusual” sensations brought on by the Ketamine are gone. They have found no evidence that you will have any medical side effects. I can agree and say that I have not experienced any of the negative effects I did with other treatments.

I will note that after over 2.5 years, I have yet to discover any negative or adverse reactions. My only complaint is that I have been known on occasion to vomit during my intramuscular Ketamine treatments, but a small price for 8-10 days being symptom free. It is unpredictable and doesn’t occur during every session. I can’t remember the last time I vomited during my Ketamine treatment. As a side note, you can take an anti-nausea medication to combat this but I tend to be a purist and strive to minimize the medications that I put in my body.

I know that Ketamine is known to be a psychedelic drug, and my experiences with this side of the drug vary.

When I met Dr. Levine, my first Ketamine provider, he shared with me that he likes to answer this inquiry about the psychedelic aspects of Ketamine with his patients by using the analogy of playing Family Feud. The top five answers on the board of what Ketamine is like are: Strange, odd, weird, intense, dreamlike. I would also have to say it was a very introspective time, spiritually awakening, with out of body sensations; like you literally feel like you come out of your body which allowed me to feel the difference between being depressed and symptom free. I feel this separation between mind and body makes it possible to truly heal with confidence. I feel after years of having nothing successfully manage my depression, I began to doubt myself. I started to believe I was the problem. I thought, if all the proven medications and treatments for depression don’t help me, it must be me. It wasn’t until I experienced Ketamine infusions that I was blessed with the knowledge that in fact I did have clinical depression. I discovered years ago that my type of depression has been classified as Treatment Resistant Depression disorder but I still had doubts. It was these sorts of destructive thoughts that continuously fed the suicidal beast living within me. I wanted out; permanently.

It was only when I was treated using Ketamine that I experienced a shift in my mood. It made it so obvious to me that my symptoms were real and not a horror show on repeat in my mind. I remember saying to my husband, who was in the room for support during my infusions, ‘I don’t know where my body is’. I couldn’t see my entire body. I could see and say, ‘Here are my shoulders, but I don’t know where the rest of my body is.’ It was the strangest thing, but I was not upset or afraid. I was more curious. Calm. Warm. While I was investigating this feeling, I remember my whole face lit up when I saw my feet. You feel, or I felt, disconnected from my body. It is as though you come out of your body and you are able to wander around the room without moving an inch physically.

It is like lucid dreaming. It is like dreaming, but you are awake. It is like you are in a dream and all of this bizarre shit is happening while you are consciously aware of your thoughts. In this type of dream, you are the observer of all around you as well as what is deep in the subconscious.

You are experiencing the world in the third person. It is like you are a separate entity. It feels very spiritual. I wasn’t as critical of myself. I was able to just look at myself and have thoughts about everything and anything without feeling overwhelmed by my own thoughts and feelings. It is like you are a different person and you are watching your thoughts and reactions. It is very profound.

You have, or at least I did, this insight into yourself from a third party point of view. These thoughts are much deeper thoughts than the common superficial levels we communicate. The thoughts are so fast and it is fleeting. It is like a water cascading over you and you have to flow with it, but you just keep going with the thoughts. Easy. No judgments. What a relief.

I could also look at the wood on the door to my room and see the shapes and textures of the wood. I would look at them and give them a story in my mind that made the door appear to come to life. It was as though I was giving the door life. The Ketamine allows you to look at the different things around you with a fresh clarity. I personally didn’t see horrible demons or anything. I didn’t see things appear before me that were not already there when I walked into the room. It was more like my mind was just enhancing the surroundings in a superhuman way.

I personally find the Ketamine treatments enjoyable. Yes, most of the time I love getting my Ketamine injections, because it takes me far from my depression and self loathing, making my chances of recovering and being a fully functioning whole and happy individual much more realistic. Ketamine, it can bring out things inside of you, deep childhood issues and spiritual epiphanies, too. I feel that I wasn’t always ready for the new information and feelings; maybe. It is almost three years since my first infusion and I am constantly discovering new elements and depths to my personality and these insights can feel profound. I cried at points during two of the infusion treatments, It was bizarre, because I almost felt like I was Buddha on a mountain with my insights. I laugh. It can feel a bit intense at times. Dr. Levine reassured me that crying is natural when you have years of stored unexamined emotions. I didn’t understand why I was crying. That was unsettling. How could I feel relief and still want to cry? I understand now that having an emotional release after years of pent up dark feelings can feel so great that it brings you to tears.

I think, looking back and even some of my recent appointments I found that the Ketamine felt like I took a couple shots of Tequila. I got all warm inside, giddy, and relaxed. On more than a few occasions I would then feel many of the dissociative effects I have already mentioned. I did get that “trippy” feeling during several of my treatments, but not every single one. The sessions were all different. I can only figure that once the IV needle was in place and the Ketamine entered my system, I was calm. It was shortly after that intoxicated feeling began that I was able to see the textures in the walls and doors; 14 minutes or so. The colors and paints appeared puffed up; like I was viewing the world like a 3D movie. It was not like the hallucinations or color trails associated with LSD and mushrooms. I feel that these drugs change the world outside of you; like the walls are moving and you are seeing things melting. I feel most psychedelic drugs could cause you to believe you are seeing the devil or any objects that are not present or reality. I feel with Ketamine, it seems more internal to me; like there are things going on inside of your mind causing the things around you to look the same but enhanced. It just feels differently. It is very dream-like. I remember there was a box of tissues in my room and it had a magnolia blossom design on it. The flower was gorgeous during my infusion. I could see the petals in detail and colors so rich it soothed me instantly. In fact, I made sure that tissue box was always present in my treatment room.

I think that the major drawback with Ketamine therapy, for me, is that you never really know what is going to happen during that hour you are being administered Ketamine, even though it is the same type of treatment every time, it has proven to me that it is never going to be the same; the treatments I have had have been very different each time. They definitely follow a well defined path, but they have been so completely different. The only similarity is when things start and when they will end. There may be times when you will not be able to talk, due to the mind activity.

When I asked Dr. Levine if I could have someone in the room, he did warn me that I might not be capable of talking to my husband. This was new. To be honest, I didn’t believe Dr. Levine. I was chatting away to my partner about what I was feeling without incident. I don’t know how it happened, but suddenly I was pulled into thoughts I wanted to follow. Insights. I mentally raced to catch up so I wouldn’t miss anything. I was unable to talk to my husband. I glanced blindly at him. I wasn’t able to see him through my thoughts visually shaping before me. I was running circles in my mind trying to absorb this gift. A gift. That is how I feel about Ketamine. All my chasing made it difficult to talk. I could hear Dr. Levine’s words in my head saying if it starts to feel overwhelming, just close your eyes. It will help. And it does. All of a sudden, I said to the room, ‘I am not going to be able to talk anymore.’ I wasn’t afraid. I was intrigued. In the end, all of the effects you feel from the Ketamine Infusion are done by the time you leave. I feel like there are no adverse effects from my treatments; just the helpful benefits Ketamine provides for me.

I am hoping these accounts of my journey with Ketamine help you understand Ketamine a bit better. I do have a few tips and tricks for coping with Ketamine treatments that I want to share. I was told the number one thing to remember is to close your eyes if it feels overwhelming. I agree completely. I have actually closed my eyes without realizing I closed them and have shockingly said to my doctor that it is all black I see nothing. I was puzzled. It occurred to me that maybe my eyes were closed. So I asked. Yes. They were in fact closed and nothing I could do would open them. The strangest thing about that incident is, and I kid you not, my eyes felt entirely wide open! It was odd. Yes, odd. It is a correct word to describe Ketamine for sure. It is right up there predominantly displayed on Dr. Levine’s Family Feud board.

If I were to give suggestions on managing the possibility that you may start to feel overwhelmed by the sensations and emotions you might experience during your infusion, I would say that the first and most important thing is to reassure yourself that these thoughts and feelings are temporary. It is very important to remember that all the usual feelings, thoughts, and moments of thinking your world is changing or like in my case I was a fish in an aquarium or in a television sitcom, is temporary.

Once again, it is temporary. Temporary.

You might find it helpful to remind yourself of this if you start to feel slightly out of control.

It is temporary. And worth it!!!!

As I stated, Dr. Levine suggested gently closing your eyes. I find this helpful as well. It is a beneficial coping strategy to close your eyes if it feels overwhelming. It will minimize the stimulation the mind is experiencing. Your mind may seem to be in sensory overload. At least that is how I felt. I felt that by closing my eyes, it eliminated many extra components and I believe this act has made and will make those fleeting times of uncertanity or discomfort feel more manageable and less of a concern for you when and if times of upset present themselves to you. I have used all these techniques at one time or another. I find them incredibly calming.

If you combine the two strategies by adding the physical element, closing of the eyes, with the mental aspect, gentle messages to soothe yourself, such as “this is temporary and will pass”, you can enhance and strengthen your inner dialogue with statements like, “I will feel some worthwhile relief shortly. I will feel emotionally weightless without my depression engulfing me and threatening to obliterate me.” I find a few basic reassuring sentences like these help immensely. It really works amazingly well for me.

Let me see…. Oh I know. Be curious!

Be curious. Investigate with wonder and not fear. Listen and be open. I feel Ketamine infusions reveal snippets of gold. Insights and connections. It is worthy information. It aids the healing. Try not to push away thoughts and feelings. Be curious. I wonder why I feel this or that….. I ask myself this question in almost every session. I am a detective. A private eye hired to dissect my mind for 45 minutes. I pay attention to everything with mild amusement. Try not to judge yourself. Just be inquisitive.

I find if I investigate the thoughts and feelings instead of believe the old tapes that insist on playing non stop before Ketamine. I think finding the idea of being a fish in an aquaruim amusing takes the terror factor away.

Go with it.

Try to have fun with the image. Wow, what if I was an fish in a fish bowl? What would be in my tank? What type of fish would I be? Would a fish see the room I am in as I do?

Run with it.

It is only scary if you resist. I find that during the treatment time I am not necessarily in control of everything and every thought. I cried uncontrollably during two of my treatments, and the doctor calmly assured me that the experience was probably years of pent up emotions that desperately needed to be expressed, and it felt like a massive purging to be honest.

So be curious. I find it a huge asset.

I am sure I could come up with more coping mechanisms to handle the infusions if time allowed for it, but I need to wrap this blog up tight. I know for me, having too many options can get tricky too. I am sure I will be addressing this topic again in the future.

I remind myself of the changes. I smile. I giggle and laughed. I think the idea and the possibility of experiencing a sense of calm and uplift more often in the future definitely drove me forward. And with every treatment I heal. It is a long road, but at least now I am moving forward. I am not stuck in darkness. I understand that pain and suffering happens, but it doesn’t need to consume me. Ketamine allows me to manage my illness and live.

My last suggestion to my comrades would be to read my blogs. If you are not in a place were you are capable of reading and absorbing my words, ask a loved one or a dear friend to help. I try to include helpful information in my writings and personal musings.

If you are interested in educating yourself on Ketamine therapy for Treatment Resistant Depression, check out the four-part series I wrote answering questions about Ketamine use, based on my experience with Ketamine therapy over the past 2.5 years.

My first blog, Ketamine: Addressing Questions & Concerns focused on my early experience with Ketamine Infusions.

In part two of the series, Addressing Questions & Concerns About Ketamine Therapy for Treatment Resistant Depression I addressed questions and concerns about Intramuscular Ketamine versus Ketamine Infusion therapy.

In my third blog, Frequently Asked Questions: Redefining Depression With The Assistance Of Ketamine Therapy, I was a bit more random. I had emails with several questions and themes, and I addressed as many inquiries as I could.

In my final question and answer dialogue, Pondering Concerns & Questions: The Benefits Of Ketamine For Treatment Resistant Depression, I discussed research, clinical studies, and the need for changes to occur within our insurance companies and federal government so that maybe one day Ketamine will not be so difficult to afford or obtain, from any qualified healthcare professional.

In conclusion, If you know of anyone suffering with treatment resistant depression, like I do, let them know that Ketamine therapy may be an option worth looking into. It has been and continues to offer me relief from my symptoms. If you or someone you know are considering Ketamine infusion therapy, please visit the Boise Ketamine Clinic website for low cost ketamine infusion and injection options. If you are not in the Boise, Idaho area I suggest approaching a local professional and start educating them on the benefits of Ketamine. It doesn’t hurt to ask for what you need. You can also visit my Ketamine Provider & Location List to find a provider in your area.

Originally posted on The Boise Ketamine Clinic

September 27 2017

Pulling Back The Darkness With The Use Of Ketamine Therapy

susangayhart Blog antidepressants, clinical depression, depressed, depression, depression signals, effects without ketamine, emotions, hospitalizations, insomnia, ketamine, ketamine day, ketamine effects, ketamine infusions, ketamine shots, Major Depressive Disorder, mental health, mental illness, myketaminestory, suicidal depression, suicide, suicide prevention, symptoms, treatment resistant depression

Hello again. This is Susan from myketaminestory.com. Welcome to my Ketamine blog for the Boise Ketamine Clinic website. I am excited to have another platform to share my experience with Ketamine treatments in hopes of educating others on the potential this drug has for helping others, like me, with Treatment Resistant Depression (TRD).

As many of you know, I suffer with TRD, anxiety disorder, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). In January of 2015, I nearly succeeded in taking my own life; after many prior failed attempts. I found myself completely spent and my light went out.

Darkness.

Absolute Darkness.

My world and mind shifted when I was introduced to Ketamine for Treatment Resistant Depression. My clinical depression could not be suppressed by traditional methods of therapy and medication cocktails. In desperation, I allowed ECT (Electroconvulsive therapy), which is when you have a frightening experience the doctors refer to as a procedure, done under general anesthesia, in which small electric currents are passed through the brain, intentionally triggering a brief seizure. I had 12 sessions of ECT preformed over a 4 week period. I was already hospitalized for yet another suicide attempt and I would remain for a total of three months during the period of time I was receiving ECT treatments. I have read that this is an outpatient procedure and that petrifies me. I have very little recall of the three months I was undergoing ECT. In fact the months leading up to my hospitalization and many weeks after I was discharged are a blur or nonexistent to me. During all 12 sessions I was in a sterile and controlled environment. I can’t imagine trying to manage my life while simultaneously having my brain shocked and memories erased.

I was lost. I wanted out of my pathetic pit quickly because I was certain this depression would kill me. My doctors thought ECT was my best option. I asked a lot of questions. I watched several videos. I was horrified by my new found knowledge of how ECT worked. I was even more afraid of what would become of me if I didn’t accept this treatment plan. My hubby asked the questions I was unable. The physicians informed us that ECT seems to cause changes in the brain chemistry and they felt that it could quickly reverse symptoms of my mental illnesses. This was not my experience. Not at all. I could share horror stories and part of me is really driven to share due to the excess of articles being published today favoring ECT as a viable therapy.

Recently, I have been hearing of more and more people turning to ECT treatments. This terrifies me. It saddens me immensely. It is pretty upsetting because many of these individuals want to try Ketamine but can not because of the cost involved with Ketamine therapy. ECT is covered under most insurance plans. It is an incredibly costly procedure, but I haven’t heard of any insurance companies refusing to pay. Unfortunately, Ketamine therapy doesn’t have the same luxury. I want that to change. I am doing what I can.

I advocate for Ketamine therapy. Why? After decades of failed painful treatment plans, I have had pretty successful results, for the first time ever, using the drug Ketamine. I am living in the light. It has been with the assistance and benefits of Ketamine that I am alive today and writing to educate others on the importance of this life altering medication. I was capable of pulling back the curtains of darkness to expose the colors I longed to soak in, absorb, and truly appreciate the variations in shades and depth of richness each color provided.

I am surrounded by layers and layers of magnificent color. When you live in darkness like I did, those same vibrant colors, which I can enjoy and appreciate now, don’t exist. In your world, and not at all as it is for most of the population, color distinctions are limited. My world since starting Ketamine Infusions over two and a half years ago has clearly made me aware of how muted my view of all the beauty around me was. I am a photographer. Imagine. The world through my camera lens is splendid. What is even more impressive is the glorious vivid surroundings I see without my camera in hand.

Color. All the amazing plays with light. I have been obsessed with color. All my life. I could spend hours photographing people and places with a heavy heart. I experienced a love for nature and expressions. It still felt like a world I wasn’t a part of. I was only allowed to click image after image for others to hold close to their hearts and truly feel. I feel color now. That may read strangely, but it is true. I have been in tune with the arts over the years. A deep love and a passion that can often make me cry by the profound feelings that overtake me. The changes in my capacity to love language and art has only been compounded and has embraced me whole since Ketamine continuously aids me in reducing the depressive symptoms I was drowning in.

I see rich colors.

I was in a pretty dark place lately. I was in that familiar dark hole. I have been stressed. I have made poor choices. I have had to pay for these errors in judgement. Intramuscular (IM) Ketamine works brilliantly at suppressing the symptoms that make me want to die. It does its job. I am the other factor. I have a part now. This is exciting and frustrating. I am quickly learning that mental health is affected by more than just chemicals or inflammation. I struggle with insomnia, and it can ravage everything I hold dear. I refuse medication. This has been a persistent problem, sleep disruptions, for me. Tragic. In the past, sleep was administered with the help of benzodiazepines and sleep medications. I was heavily drugged. It was the only way to calm and quiet the voices and noise keeping me awake and focused obsessively on my racing thoughts and desire to end my life to find the relief I was seeking. In 2007, I ended my hateful affair with medication cocktails and spent the next year and a half getting off all my medications. My ability to sleep regularly has never recovered from the years of high levels of anti-anxiety and sleep medications. I cycle with sleep disturbances and this affects how I function and process information. Diet also plays a vital role in my recovery. I will be writing shortly, an article for my blog on what I have discovered about foods and mental alertness. I will address how many foods cause inflammation and thus cause swelling in the mind and body hence making Ketamine have to work harder and more efficiently to keep the depression at bay. This is a tough order for one drug to preform. In general, I am over the moon with happiness at what Ketamine combats so that I can fight this insidious battle and dominate over the depression and anxiety. I have more days in the light than the days spent in that cave I have written about previously in another blog. That is because I get IM Ketamine shots every two weeks.

I noticed that when I am struggling, I make poor decisions, my sleep suffers, my craving for comfort foods and items that contain high levels of sugar, escalates. I stumble. I trip. I want to steady myself but I keep leaning on the most destructive devices and I shatter. I have glue now. It takes time to piece together all the fragments of my life. I am impatient. I want more. I am not enough. This is unacceptable. Is it? I can say that after my last Ketamine session I am now seeing my world clearly. It is in focus. Clarity unlike any photo lens I have ever had the pleasure to work with. The thoughts that seemed ludicrous now were all so real to me only days before. I am still in awe at the abilities Ketamine has over me.

I have had many life stresses lately. I have been faced multiple times with what I perceived as attacks on my ego and self esteem. The last several months have been trying. I have built up my ammunition against my self defeating assaults. I have a toolbox filled with techniques and helpful methods for tricking my mind positively, unlike the havoc the demons assert with their winning charm and manipulations. Depression is a lying bastard. It is also cunning and painfully believable. It is often too late when I realize that nasty illness has once again claimed me. That spiral down hurts. I watch all the things I spent weeks putting into place evaporate. It all feels like a timer. I can’t take the anxiety. When will it explode in my face and destroy me like I figured it would? I fall forward. I reach out to grab anything. I latch on to the old unhealthy coping mechanisms. I get so outraged. I am being eaten alive by that hot rage. I am blind to the beauty. I frantically scan for the colors. Nothing.

Despair.

I feel like I can’t take this bloody roller coaster another day.

I recently told my doctor that it is more than a roller coaster ride. At least on a roller coaster you can see ahead. You can prepare yourself for the peaks and valleys. You are totally aware. The clanking of the cart going up. The pure excitement. The love for all things crazy and thrilling. You are feeling joy. You hear the release. You have a second or two to brace for the drop. You are given warning before the trip downward. I have felt that with depression and Ketamine, lately, that I was on that same amusement ride with ear plugs and a blindfold. I have no idea when the drop is coming. And when it does, it can be vast and tremendously upsetting. It causes me to feed the vicious compulsions. My obsessive thoughts take control. I speed straight down with no faith that my roller coaster car is spinning around a corner and soon it will be taking me back up into the light. In my twisted state of mind, I am now on an airliner heading straight down into the concrete below. And I can only follow along. I am a very unwilling participant. I can only hear the noise in my head. The volume is so loud. It distracts me. It hurts. I lose more. I cry out. Terror. It is so confusing. I lose ground. I don’t get it. I don’t understand it. I search for the whys. I seek out ways to predict. Nothing. I want balance. I want the world to stop so I can heal and not keep striving to obtain a feeling that randomly gets snagged away from me for absolutely no reason. There is a reason. Ugh. There is a bloody reason. Depression. Oh how I wish it were not an issue; not my issue. I do wish the Ketamine was a permanent fix and not just a fixture in my life. I quickly correct this thought pathway with the gentle reminder that I have found a medication that gives me days of relief. Relief. I know the difference between a life with TRD and a life filled with symptom free periods. I try to be grateful. I try not to follow the evil force convincing me that this time I will not recover. This time, it is time to put an end to all this silliness.

Depression makes you believe things will never be any better than this moment. In fact, it is almost certainly going to get much worse than you could have ever previously imagined. You know now what life could be like for you. Optimism and passionate curiosity. Gone. Never to return. The illness is in the driver’s seat once again. I want to be better at keeping the steering wheel. It is not a power or will-driven option. I can’t beg loud enough or shove hard enough to jerk and shake the devil from controlling all aspects of my sports car. I fade. The suffocation I feel from the weight of the depression and anxiety create unwanted desires to find a true, permanent solution. Death. It welcomes me. It appeals to me. I resist until I am so broken and raw that I welcome the idea of death. It warms me. It seduces me. It is luring me into that trap of ultimate peace. No more struggling. No more suffering and darkness. I can finally let go of all this toxic anger. Please. Bring it on.

I went last week to get my next booster shot. I barely made it. I was wrapped completely in my plan. I was actively suicidal. I could not turn off all the negativity and pain. I could not shut off that disastrous voice. You know, that voice that pretends to care. The one that makes suicide magical. The perfect solution to decades of devastation. It does not matter that Ketamine exists. It won’t cure me. Life will always be unpredictable and unmanageable for me. It is not fair. Why does the Ketamine have to drift away and leave me? Over and over I slip and slide. If unexpected situations arise and it draws my attention away repeatedly will I ever get ahead of this tedious game? Probably not. If Ketamine was my true hero I would never…. I would never. I want to end this.

Game over.

I was afraid, going to get my Ketamine therapy last week. I was terrified that this miraculous drug that has been working amazingly for me for over 2.5 years is never going to work again. I have been stolen and kidnapped and Ketamine will never find me. I shook in horror. I was hearing only the calls from the graveyard. All the cemeteries nationwide were screaming my name. I had a plan in place. I was able to strike up a bargain with my tormentor. Let me give Ketamine a chance. History has proven its effectiveness. I was no longer a believer. I was lead astray. I feared that my lack of faith in Ketamine would dominate over the ability Ketamine has to lift me for this ordeal I find myself dying in. The brain is a powerful organ. I have learned that how I think Ketamine will work for me can actually determine the outcome. I fear all the darkness and doubts would cloud all the benefits. I will grudgingly admit that I walk out of my doctors office with the sense of doom hanging over me. It took everything in me to stay put and not follow the rabbit down the hole to pure insanity and my demise. My doctor mentioned that we would try increasing the dose and I that I should return in one week instead of my normal two weeks. My doctor also suggested admitting me but I refused and told him if he hospitalized me he would surely be signing my death certificate.

I left defeated.

I waged through the muddy waters for two days after leaving my doctor, determined to put my plan in motion. I was playing around with the fantasy of all things related to reaching that end goal of cessation. Depression is a familiar presence. Ketamine is, even after two plus years, still a new friend. I don’t want to continue to believe the lies my mental illnesses taunt me with but my depression is a strong enemy that doesn’t fight fair. No rules. It is just attack after miserable attack. I feel I never get a break. I am always working to stay present and centered. I feel wronged. I yell out, to the empty room I hide away in, why am I being repeatedly punished? What did I do that was so unforgivable that I must be subjected to this unyielding beast?

I do something different.

I reached out to my friends. My support. This might seem like an obvious conclusion. We reach out for comfort, advice and support without judgement. I didn’t share much. I just asked them to remind me why I fight so hard to stay a part of their lives. I told them I am in the dark and could really use a match. Remarkably, I heard some of the most compelling reasons to march on. The words and kindness. It made me wonder why I pull away instead of reaching out. It felt good. It was what I needed to read and hear. I generated strength from their words. I soldiered on. It took a few days but the Ketamine calmed me and allowed me to reconsider my plan.

I made it through another hateful week. I went to see my doctor last Wednesday and had probably one of the best Ketamine experiences ever. I feel incredible. I am still giddy, and it has been three days since my last Ketamine session.

When I get IM Ketamine shots, I find it helpful to also have my doctor present and participate in psychotherapy. I will warn that I have spoken to several Ketamine patients that feel they could never consider therapy while under the influence of Ketamine. I suggest they reconsider down the road because the benefits of using Ketamine as a tool to repair the connections between behavior and thought is phenomenal. This past appointment really emphasize why I feel so strongly about combining analysis with Ketamine.

The Ketamine took about seven or so minutes to switch the suicidal ideation off. Minutes later I was feeling light and positive. I was describing the connections I was discovering to my doctor. I remember saying, Dr. Moseley I hope you are taking great notes because I feel I am making huge progress and can literally feel myself gaining strength. I am feeling empowered. I am at the center of everything. I just want to stay here. Can I stay? Dr. Moseley please don’t say a word I just want to sit in the splendor. I feel whole. I see my words in colors. Colors are my love. I am pinks and yellows. Soft. I am at peace. I can accomplish the job now. I can totally kick this illness’s ass now.

I don’t focus on the fact that this feeling is temporary. I choose to direct my attention to having an unknown amount of time free from that deadly fiend. I am Susan. I am not my depression. I believe it now. How is that possible? That desire to take my life is a foreigner now. It seems too unbelievable to be possible, but here I sit typing my story.

I smile as I am seeing the colorful words in front of me before my fingers are capable of following my thoughts to this blog. I feel so good. I want all Ketamine sessions to feel that way. I want to carry this maternal hug with me always. I literally felt like I was being wrapped up in the arms of mother earth. The internal mother. A nonjudgmental mother. I feel her love and acceptance. I felt safe. I felt loved. I felt color. Ahhh. I felt color. My relationship with light and shades of darkness found new meaning for me. I smile. I am still smiling. Ketamine continues to amaze me with its ability. It seems to give me exactly what I need. It somehow knows what that is better than I. During my darker moments, I learn about my dysfunctions, and that sucks, but it is immensely necessary for growth. I think. I laugh at this. Depression is so grueling and heartbreaking. I want to never experience it again. I don’t look forward to the return of my symptoms. I try to keep my attention on now with the hope of limiting my anxiety. This is a process I wish I was an expert at, but slowly I am gaining ground and I am able to leap over the hurdles I was just recently describing having to walk under in another Ketamine blog.

It was at the end of my last treatment that my doctor said to me, “Well Susan, I am no blogger but you are welcome to my notes if you would like to share them during one of your published ruminations. I will make you a copy before you head out because you did some impressive work today and my notes may help remind you.”

In closing today, I would love to share a few of the comments Dr. Moseley made in his patient notes for my chart during my Ketamine therapy on September 20th.

Patient notes during K session feeling as though she was coming out of the depression and anguish. She states she is gaining distance and able to disengage from the insidious disease of depression. She is capable of taking a full breath again. Patient states that she is walking into my words. “It has been too long, Dr. Moseley. I have needed this so badly. Ketamine and I are a team. A great working machine. We are a team. We need each other. The Ketamine is working now. I am in the circle now. Things are messages and I am making connections. I feel resurrected. I am going deep into the Ketamine this time Dr. Moseley. It is really great. Calm. Love. I see my words in color. ”

I believe the patient is demonstrating active synesthesia; I say, “This is magnificent and your birthright. Enjoy it, own it, remember it, it is your antidepressant.”

Patient says she feels incredible. She keeps saying that Ketamine has made so many things possible for her. It continues to help. “I was so worried, Dr. Moseley. But once again Ketamine is my hero. I can’t open my eyes, she laughs, but I feel incredible. I don’t want to go anywhere else. I want to stay here. I want to never leave. I just want to stay here. I feel like a warm blanket is welcoming me home. I feel really, really good. Gosh, every session should be like this! I can’t move but I don’t care. I have nowhere I want to be but here in this moment. I am pink and yellow and feel so calm and happy just to be. I need this calm. I have so desperately needed this. It has been a gruesome few weeks Dr. Moseley. I feel that when I am in therapy with Ketamine I can feel love. I feel loved and safe. I want to be wrapped up in this feeling forever. I never want to leave. What time is it? Don’t tell me. I want to stay here a little longer. I want to stop time and just be allowed to sit with this reassurance and love for as long as I can.”

Patient whispers, “I am at the center of everything, Dr. Moseley. Oh Dr. Moseley I am so glad I did not take my life. It is so funny how I want to stop thinking and feel this way always. I feel so fucking fabulous. This is what I needed. It’s amazing. I needed this. I really did. I was so black. I was so far away. I feel joy. I feel love. Ketamine comes to me and offers me what I need. I don’t always know the lesson but it is there teaching me. It is incredible that this one drug can allow me to be Susan. It let’s me see Susan and like her enough to work with her again. I am back. I am good. This is good. I am at a loss for analogies or metaphors, but I am okay with that right now. I feel so much better, so calm. I would like to open my eyes but at the same time I don’t want to have any other stimulus to distract me from this pure feeling. I am not ready to open them. Breath is so vital Dr. Moseley. It really is. Sometimes I find myself holding my breath totally unaware that I was. I used to get so down on myself for that. She laughs and states, among all the other blasted things I find impossible to accept when the Ketamine has weaned. But right now, I am pretty cool with my shortcomings and flaws. She laughs. I just need to breathe. Just breathe like my tattoo states and my mind ignores. But it is all good. I am working on it. If you knew how hard I worked in order to get to this appointment. If you only knew how much I fought to get here. How much time remains?” I answer her with 30 minutes! “Wow, time is my friend today! Time is my friend and my enemy. It is glorious how nothing seems upsetting right now. I just want you to know how much I needed this……”

I thought it was really neat that my psychiatrist appreciates my website and the writings I do for The Boise Ketamine Clinic, as well as, The Injection & Infusion Clinic of ABQ enough to share his patient notes with me and agreed with my expounding on his notes. Thank you, Dr. Moseley.

If you know of anyone suffering with treatment resistant depression, like I do, let them know that Ketamine therapy may be an option worth looking into. It has been and continues to offer me relief from my symptoms. If you or someone you know are considering Ketamine infusion therapy, please visit the Boise Ketamine Clinic website for low cost ketamine infusion and injection options. If you are not in the Boise, Idaho area I suggest approaching a local professional and start educating them on the benefits of Ketamine. It doesn’t hurt to ask for what you need. You can also visit my Ketamine Provider & Location List to find a provider in your area.

Originally posted on Boise Ketamine Clinic website.

August 29 2017

Pondering Concerns & Questions: The Benefits Of Ketamine For Treatment Resistant Depression

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Hello again. This is Susan from myketaminestory.com. I am once again addressing questions and concerns regarding Ketamine therapies for treating mood disorders and pain. I am writing a four part series answering questions about Ketamine use, based on my experience with Ketamine therapy over the past 2.5 years, for The Injection & Infusion Clinic of ABQ. This is the fourth and final post in my Q & A series.

My first blog, Ketamine: Addressing Questions & Concerns focused on my early experience with Ketamine Infusions. In part two of the series, Addressing Questions & Concerns About Ketamine Therapy for Treatment Resistant Depression I addressed questions and concerns about Intramuscular Ketamine verses Ketamine Infusion therapy. In my last blog, Frequently Asked Questions: Redefining Depression With The Assistance Of Ketamine Therapy, I was a bit more random. I had emails with several questions and themes and I addressed as many inquiries as I could. In my final question and answer dialogue I want to discuss research, clinical studies, and the need for changes to occur within our insurance companies and federal government so that maybe one day Ketamine will not be so difficult to afford or obtain from any qualified professional.

I will preface this series of questions with an obvious disclaimer. I am answering all the questions posed in this blog, as well as the three previously mentioned, based on personal experience with Ketamine treatments and my own continued readings. I want to advocate the use of Ketamine for Treatment Resistant Depression because of my results from the therapy. I am sharing my success and how I have benefited from Ketamine, the new form of treatment for depression.

Let’s jump right into this frustrating topic.

How long have researchers been studying the positive effects Ketamine has on mood disorders?

I am not completely sure. I think I read that in 2000, researchers started studying Ketamine as a treatment for depression. I personally was not aware of Ketamine as a medication used for Treatment Resistant Depression until 2015. I would have loved to have known about Ketamine a decade ago, but I am constantly reminded in my recovery to be grateful that my husband discovered it when he did.

It was over those 15 years that the studies and research have led us to discover that Ketamine improves the mood and does so much faster than traditional antidepressant drugs.

The clinical studies were demonstrating that not only was Ketamine reducing depression symptoms, it was also working for individuals that had exhausted all other options because traditional methods, such as ECT and antidepressant cocktails, had failed over and over again. That has been my experience; my story.

What uses have been found for Ketamine through 2017?

Ketamine has only been FDA-approved as an anesthetic for surgery and diagnostic procedures. That status has not really changed over the last few years, as some might expect, given the fact Ketamine has been featured in medical journals and news magazines.

In 2017, Ketamine is now being successfully used to treat depression, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, OCD, post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), other mood disorders, and nerve-related pain.

So, is Ketamine FDA-approved to treat depression?

No. There is no money in it. It is a very expensive process and the drug companies won’t make any money off the drug if it is reclassified.

However, on a positive note, Ketamine is now being recognized by the American Psychiatric Association as a valid treatment for depression. The reason this is a good outcome is it has been beneficial for those providers already using Ketamine therapy to broaden their client base. I also find it helpful in advocating the use of Ketamine for Treatment Resistant Depression and Anxiety for those suffering, as well as new interest in providing this incredible therapy to more people.

Could you explain why Ketamine isn’t FDA-approved to treat depression?

I will attempt to explain what I understand about the process. In order to approve any new drug, the FDA needs evidence that it works effectively and it doesn’t cause any major harm. Typically, they determine their decision based on evidence from clinical trials involving hundreds or thousands of people.

Most of the clinical studies that have been done using Ketamine so far have been small; 25 to 50 people.

The reason larger research programs on Ketamine haven’t been done in the past is mainly because these type of clinical studies can cost millions of dollars to orchestrate.

The main issue has been that Ketamine is a generic drug. Pharmaceutical companies can’t patent it again and earn their money back from the clinical trials needed to reclassify the drug to include treating mood disorders.

However, companies are developing other drugs based on Ketamine. This is both a positive and a negative in my opinion. The main complication will be creating a pill that is so like Ketamine and continues to have no side effects. Every antidepressant I was ever on had horrific side effects. Pure Ketamine, as it is now, has no side effects. Let me correct that statement by clarifying that after 2.5 plus years of Ketamine use I have yet to show signs of any health concerns. That has never been my experience in the past, with other medications; ever. Before Ketamine, I was a frequent visitor to my family doctor due to illnesses and side effects. What is even worse, I have been in my share of emergency rooms far too many times to remember because of the medications I was prescribed for my depression and anxiety. I will never forget the pain and fear I felt when one medication cocktail had so many side effects that I was no longer capable of urinating! Seriously. It took several attempts to figure out which medication was the culprit. Once again leaving me all the more miserable and suicidal. No wonder I was initially skeptical when my husband mentioned Ketamine to me for the first time.

In August 2016, the FDA put the drug Esketamine on a fast track to approval by designating it as a breakthrough therapy. Esketamine, which is given as a nasal spray, is being tested in phase III clinical trials. Another drug that acts on NMDA receptors called Rapastinel (GLYX-13) also received breakthrough therapy status in early 2016.

My primary fear is what big pharma will unnecessarily add to their new creation when attempting to reproduce the results of Ketamine, which is already being made perfectly and inexpensively without any last side effects.

What should people consider before they try Ketamine?

I think the only worry I had when I made the appointments for my 6 Infusions in 2015 was actually a double sided fear. What if Ketamine doesn’t work for me? And the flip side of that obsessive thought was the painful terror I felt at the thought, what if Ketamine helps me and I can’t afford to continue the treatments. I was convinced it would lead me straight to my death if it didn’t work, but what if it is effective will I ever survive without it?

What would life without depression and anxiety even look like? I was pretty twisted by all my thoughts leading up to my trip to New Jersey for my six infusions.

I never believed Ketamine was a miracle cure. Never. It didn’t seem possible that after more than four decades of profound depression and anxiety six treatments could kick that evil. I knew that if Ketamine was helpful, I was going to need to find a provider closer to my home and for an affordable rate for me. I worried this would not be realistic because in 2015 options were limited. So, because of this panic I felt in the beginning, I might suggest looking into follow up care to reduce the anxiety if that is an issue for you, like it was for me.

Do you think that Ketamine therapy is a miracle cure for depression?

No. I feel Ketamine is a tool. It gives you the ability to do the work you need to do. You may have been trying repeatedly to improve your mood and situation wanting only to accomplish wellness and over the years you have failed. I feel Ketamine assists my recovery. I can see progress. When I utilize the cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) tools, I genuinely feel I am learning and improving now.

There should be some emphasis that Ketamine isn’t a quick fix. Although it can have a rapid positive effect, I don’t think enough information is given about the possibility of having to return after the first six infusions for a booster in order to continue to thrive from the benefits of Ketamine on your depression and anxiety.

People are getting the idea that Ketamine is a miracle cure. This is upsetting to me. I believe only a few people are fortunate enough to get one dose and then have their depression go away. I don’t think this is an accurate portrayal of Ketamine. It is likely that even after the six recommended infusions most will need follow up care.

The initial effects of the drug on depression can fade quickly; within 1 to 3 days. Most people need to get repeat treatments over many months or years to see long-term improvements. This has been my story.

I feel adding mindfulness training and constantly utilizing cognitive behavioral therapy tools might help the Ketamine antidepressant effects last longer. It has worked for me many, many times over the past couple years.

I am suffering with Depression and want to try Ketamine. Where can I get Ketamine?

You can get it at a Ketamine clinic. There are more than one hundred clinics around the country now, but the drug can also be administered by a medical doctor, registered nurse, nurse practitioners and physicians assistants just to name a few.

I recommend speaking to a family doctor or trusted practitioner about Ketamine and its benefits. Advocate for your health and mental well being. It will not hurt to ask for what you need. It may be frustrating trying to educate professionals, but it never stops me. This drug is changing lives and you may just find that empathetic provider willing to learn and assist you.

Ketamine is also given experimentally in clinical trials. I suggest googling Ketamine studies or clinical trails on Ketamine for TRD or mood disorders.

I have been generating a Ketamine Providers and Locations list and I update it regularly. The list can be found here and on my personal website. This list may help you find a clinic in your city or state.

In conclusion, If you know of anyone suffering with treatment resistant depression, like I do, let them know that Ketamine therapy may be an option worth looking into. It has been and continues to offer me relief from my symptoms. If you or someone you know are considering Ketamine infusion therapy, please visit www.infusionclinicabq.com for low cost ketamine infusion and injection options. If you are not in the Albuquerque, New Mexico area I also suggest approaching a local professional and start educating them on the benefits of Ketamine. Again, it doesn’t hurt to ask for what you need.

Join me again next month, when I plan to share my thoughts and experiences about how diet affects mood and possibly Ketamine therapy. I appreciate all the interest and inquiries. I really do. Thank you for reaching out. I hope others will find hope with Ketamine. I will continue to advocate Ketamine for Treatment Resistant Depression and Anxiety Disorders. It continues to work its “magic” for me every two weeks.

Originally Posted on The Injection & Infusion Clinic of ABQ

July 10 2017

Ketamine: Understanding And Trusting In A New Treatment When Experiencing Possible Pitfall

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Hello again. This is Susan from MyKetamineStory.com. I have given my subject matter a lot of consideration. I thought I might slowly lead into this sensitive topic but decided I am going to just jump right into deep waters and address an issue I have struggled with once during my last 2.5 years of Ketamine therapy. I feel I might be able to provide insight to others that may have questions about Ketamine treatments and possible pitfalls.

I was recently watching a video on YouTube that another Ketamine user posted about his most recent treatment experience. I have enjoyed watching his videos because they are informative and real. My fellow sufferer, whose name is Jon, typically posts videos praising Ketamine therapy. I was aware that he has been struggling for many weeks now. He was actually pretty distressed and it showed in his video. He had been shaken to the core by the outcome of his last treatment. Like me, this gentleman has been getting Ketamine therapy to help his treatment resistant depression and has remarkable success, too. In his case, he has been receiving Ketamine for the last six months or so. I have been communicating via email with him and his latest Ketamine session has me wanting to address his situation in a blog post of my own. The reason I want to share his story is because Jon has valid concerns I want to address.

I want to respect my friend’s privacy so I will refrain from posting a direct link to his video blog just now. I am sure it won’t be too difficult to locate for those interested in knowing more. There are not too many patients writing or vlogging about Ketamine for depression.

In brief, the topic of the video Jon just posted this week was on how Ketamine failed him during his latest appointment. The anxiety he feels has made it nearly impossible for him not to feel discouraged. I will preface this by saying that prior to this recent post Jon has had phenomenal results with Ketamine therapy. I feel very optimistic that my friend will rebound when he is able to move past his fear.

I believe that when you find Ketamine and respond well to the initial treatments, you may encounter a session that doesn’t feel as powerful as previous Ketamine treatments you’ve had, and flashbacks of all the your previously failed treatment regimens weigh heavily on your mind. I experienced it. Doubt begins to swim in and tug at your toes. Doubt is a persistent nag and soon it has pulled you into its vortex. You want to fight back. You want to kick free and change these damaging thoughts that threaten to consume you. I pushed back. I had no choice. These thoughts want to convince us that we will always be suicidal and profoundly depressed. When Ketamine takes action you know how ridiculous this train of thinking is. I know how bogus these thoughts should be, but when it’s time for another treatment of Ketamine they are not at all absurd.

Those of us with treatment resistant depression are extremely familiar with medication failures. We know what it is like to try to be hopeful and have those dreams dashed by reality. The reality is that nothing in our past has improved the symptoms, and here is yet another treatment that we can add to our rejects list.

I am here to add a tiny bit of comfort. I hope. I feel that if you are responding to Ketamine therapy and getting noticeable relief, your chances of continued success are increased. You may wonder why I feel I can make a statement as bold as that. I can because there is no documentation proving otherwise. I say this with a massive smile on my face. I will also add a more acceptable reason for those that don’t find me at all amusing. I feel I can share my findings and insights because of my personal success with Ketamine. I waited a couple years to make my judgments and feelings about Ketamine public. I have a history of failed medications and treatments. A long history. As of 2015, I have only been using Ketamine to manage my depression. I have privately documented and observed myself obsessively. I would not endorse or boast rashly about treatments. I promise you. I naturally question and research. When I was introduced to Ketamine there was absolutely no information available online. In retrospect, I believe this lack of findings was best for me. I suffer with OCD and could spend hours researching and comparing myself to others. I desperately wanted reassurance that I was okay. I also needed to know what to expect. If I was having a side effect I wanted to know that I wasn’t the only one. I needed to know when I should call a doctor. I would not rest until I was well educated on whatever current treatment my doctors were trying. I will admit to you that I can totally appreciate being oblivious regarding Ketamine. I stopped looking and focused on my own recovery. It helped me focus on me and stopped my compulsive comparing.

I do however see the value of knowing what to expect. I will discuss all aspects of Ketamine therapy in future blogs. I plan to continue having Ketamine therapy for my treatment resistant depression and don’t see that changing anytime soon. For now, it does relax me knowing that it has been over two and half years and I am continuing to improve. I have worked through that doubt monster. I choose to stay optimistic.

I have written before about my anxieties about not being able to afford infusions. I have expressed how uncomfortable the thoughts of being engulfed in darkness again, even briefly, can disrupt my world. It is really no surprise that the depression wants to constantly remind us how it is in charge. Treatment resistant depression is vicious. I know in the beginning of my journey with Ketamine that I was terrified to invest all my hope in a medication that was still in clinical studies.

In early 2015, the information available consisted of vague studies and little else. I spent two years working through all my hang ups with Ketamine while simultaneously getting healthier and healthier. It is undeniable how much centers like The Injection & Infusion Clinic of ABQ have helped provide Ketamine to the public. Information is now available. I have spoken to other success stories too. It has been a pleasure to learn that more people are finding Ketamine and getting relief. We have compared notes and remarkably we all agree Ketamine is like no other treatment we have subjected ourselves to before.

I digress.

I watched Jon’s Ketamine video and couldn’t resist posting a comment. I usually reach out to a person in a more private avenue, such as an email or phone call. The last time Jon received Ketamine, it brought up a lot of unresolved issues and feelings. The pain of his memories and thoughts led him to believe and fear that Ketamine was failing him. Trust is difficult to obtain when our histories have demonstrated that nothing can improve the depressive symptoms. It is easy to assume that once again failure has shown its hideous face again.

I was saddened by his Ketamine video. The painful struggles Jon has been dealing with lately made me want to openly reply. I thought it was important; just in case someone viewed his video and had a less than ideal experience. I did follow my public comment to my friend by reaching out through a more personal email. It was my hope that he might routinely check his email. I wanted to reassure Jon. Plus, I am not sure how often he is online. I thought it might be helpful for him to hear my words.

I want to help others considering Ketamine as well as those in the early stages of treatment. I live in this world of treatment resistant depression and understand. I do. It is a complicated world. The depression filters are strong and incredibly believable. Our mental illness has an ugly default setting. Depression lies to us over and over again. It deceives us in very convincing ways.

I highly recommend getting cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to assist the Ketamine. I recently told my doctor that I felt my recovery needed three things. The first and most crucial is Ketamine therapy. Secondly, in conjunction with the Ketamine I need to practice mindful meditation daily. Lastly, I think we all need a professional to help process these new thoughts and feelings. Our depression has been lifted. It is amazing. We are in a honeymoon phase for months. Ketamine is our hero. We have nothing to complain about because we are too busy living life symptom free for the first time ever. As with any relationship the romance begins to waiver. Our expectations of what Ketamine will do for us long term increases. Ketamine taps into your subconscious and mends. In order to move forward completely the Ketamine may bring up unresolved issues from your past. It makes you very aware of connections between your thoughts and behaviors. It allows you to dig deeper and find the root. Ketamine allows you insights into your psyche.

Ketamine experiences are unpredictable, in my opinion. Even after two years I couldn’t tell you in absolute terms what my Ketamine treatment will be like during my next session because it is never the same. The Ketamine flows through your mind like a dream. Most people can’t control their dreams and Ketamine is very similar. I routinely crawl into bed and drift off to sleep and I am not concerned at all with what I may dream about during my REM sleep cycle. I sleep and have random dreams. There are nights that I have nightmares. I am pretty sure the action of going to bed didn’t cause my nightmare. The subconscious uses this opportunity to process information on a deeper level. Dreaming is often unpredictable and random. We don’t always remember our dreams but we dream all the same. Ketamine treatments are as close to lucid dreaming as you can get. It is similar to having a dream while being absolutely awake. You are aware of your thoughts. You are an observer of your own mind. This is both magnificent and unsettling at times. It is a process. Ketamine is healing but you still have to do the work required to make concrete changes.

I try hard to go into every treatment with faith and hope. I like having that deeper understanding and knowledge that Ketamine has worked repeatedly for me in the past and continues to assist me. I know how hard that is. I have cried and cried. And I was so afraid Ketamine would stop working for me. Ketamine is all I have and if the effects of this fantastic drug stop working for me, I am screwed. But it has. Ketamine has worked where no other treatments have.

I cringe when people mention undergoing electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) aka “shock therapy”. I went through 12 sessions of ECT several years ago. It was by far the worst thing I ever did to myself, and I would never recommend it. Instead, when my friend stated he would have to look into ECT, my genuine and gentle reply was, “please don’t give up on Ketamine. Don’t stop believing in its ability to help.” It is a process.

Ketamine is a process. I personally don’t feel the Ketamine failed my friend, but more so that Jon may not have been prepared for the emotions that the Ketamine treatment brought up.

Sharing is very difficult when you are vulnerable. It is immensely painful at times. Sharing in open forum runs the risk of haters. It is also challenging to be honest with those in your world; it can be pretty high risk if you make a mistake in judgment. I am sharing to educate and to help others like me. I know there aren’t thousands of resources about Ketamine for us to google. My writings are based on my experience with Ketamine and may be different from yours. I believe, after communicating with several Ketamine patients, that we are having similar experiences.

I know from experience with Ketamine therapy that it sometimes takes time to process years of suicidal depression. Depression so profound that leaving your home feels impossible. It is because of this emotional pain that I have found I confused the treatment process with my depression and anxiety disorders.

I watched the Ketamine video and listened to the words. I totally believe that Ketamine allows you to have these intense insights, and often these views into our psyche are depressing and extremely painful. I could relate to the frustrations. For me, I was terrified that Ketamine would fail. It was close to two years before I was convinced I found the right treatment. It took some time for me to stop terrifying myself with thoughts that the depression would return and kill me if Ketamine ever stopped working. I thought about it a lot. I believe it would be hard for anyone suffering with treatment resistant depression and undergoing Ketamine therapy with success. Ketamine helps, but we still have to endure the pain and process on the road to getting healthy.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or Talk Therapy are wonderful tools for helping sort through the confusion. Depression taints everything.

I have had a similar experience with Ketamine therapy once. I felt so doomed. It was a one time thing and really a breakthrough in disguise. I have touched on the subject in another post. I didn’t want to leave my doctor’s office. I can feel the shift when the Ketamine hits my system. There was one incident where I thought I did not feel any relief from the returning depression and I freaked out. I started catastrophizing. My thoughts latched onto the habitual belief that I will one day end my life because of my depression and lack of successful treatments. I circled the drain. Unlike my friend who has been afraid to return for another treatment out of fear of discovering Ketamine has stopped working, I didn’t want to wait the two weeks to try again. I didn’t want to waste anymore time obsessing. I had to put Ketamine to the test. I had traveled so far away from the permanent state of depression that I refused to accept that Ketamine simply wasn’t going to work anymore.

Ketamine is Hope. It is my hope.

Ketamine allows clarity, and often times it is extremely difficult to feel this turmoil because my depression has numbed most of my emotions and memories of pain. I am constantly frustrated with learning all these new emotions and finding the correct descriptive words for what these feelings are.

I usually leave my doctor’s office feeling uplifted, and I admit, when I thought I didn’t get that relief I have grown to expect during my visit I was super angry. I was crushed. I was so bloody angry. I was also scared. The doubts started ringing between my ears. I was severely depressed by the idea.

Ketamine works in mysterious ways. It has been 2.5 years of treatments now, and I often find myself struggling. I am no longer dealing with the depression but all the baggage left around from trying to cope with chronic depression. It is life. We all have obstacles we must conquer to be whole.

I really feel that the Ketamine allowed Jon to process painful events from his time trapped in the arms of depression, and he was unprepared. I have learned my depression default setting makes suicide seem like a logical solution. When life hits me with overwhelming feelings, my thoughts automatically return to suicide as the only real solution. I wasn’t too excited to learn that snippet of evil. I think once I made this connection, I could exam the bigger picture. It was probably the worst two week period I have had to endure. The doubt monster is full of passion when we are in a weak moment. For me, knowing that Ketamine has given me relief at all, when nothing else has, is powerful!

I am so confident that the next treatment Jon has will give him the relief he is craving and afraid he won’t get. I am. I strongly suggested and highly recommended moving his next appointment up. Jon doesn’t get Ketamine every two weeks like I do. His treatments are six weeks apart; sometimes longer. If he is anything like me, he will probably obsess for the next 6 weeks that the Ketamine won’t work.

It is difficult to need Ketamine. It is painful and utterly uncomfortable. I used to worry obsessively about what I would do if Ketamine stopped doing the job I expect, but I am here over 2.5 years later. I had one experience where the Ketamine didn’t get it right. I laugh because looking back, I realize it did. It was a gift wrapped in pain. It forced me to work harder to figure out why I didn’t respond in the typical way I usually do. I know that it was exhausting. I obsessed on all the pain I caused because of my illnesses and only wanted to die. Life often feels pointless to me. I feel these are my default settings and the depression is a lying bastard that wants to destroy me. I worried about it all.

Ketamine gives me clarity. We may not always be ready for what it shows us. We have been in darkness so long that the sunlight burns. I think that the Ketamine was telling Jon that it was time for him to face these painful feelings of regret.

I think Ketamine gives you a crash course in the grief process. It is frightening, but I know I have to process and push through. Change comes.

The Ketamine will give Jon relief and after his next treatment he will probably kick himself for waiting so long for relief. The ego and illness want 100% control, and I think it lies to keep that power.

I realize that my Ketamine friend is in a bad place right now and if the only thing he can absorb from my ramblings is to make a sooner appointment I am okay with that. I just don’t want him to continue torturing himself unnecessarily. Trust me, I do know. Recovery and healing are not linear. I hope if there are others facing the doubt monster right now that my words will offer comfort and strength to keep striving to get well.

This article was originally posted on The Injection & Infusion Clinic of ABQ

March 1 2017

spinning when i want to stand still

susangayhart Blog anxiety, clinical depression, death, depression, depression signals, effects without ketamine, emotions, grief, help, hope, ketamine, ketamine day, ketamine effects, ketamine infusions, ketamine shots, Major Depressive Disorder, mental health, myketaminestory, nasal ketamine, observing, panic attacks, symptoms, treatment resistant depression

Hello again. This is Susan from myketaminestory.com. I noticed that I haven’t been capable of writing lately. I am not taking time to journal. I feel like I am spinning when all I really want is to stop and just stand still. I want to take in the moment. I want to breathe in life. I feel stressed. I am miserable. I am aware. I have questions. I always have questions. I have more questions than I have people to ask them. And recently I have been posting poetry that I have written in the past as a way to keep my website updated when I need to attend to my mental health. I just keep spinning. I get sick. I think most would. I had my Ketamine shot Monday night. It was intense. I have cried during my infusions and a couple times when I received my shots but most of the time crying is the last thing I want to do. I usually feel substantially better within 10 or 15 minutes after my shot. This last treatment, I cried a lot. At the time I thought I understood why all the tears. I even accepted my inability to will them to stop. I needed to purge. I have been carrying a lot of baggage and it was unbearably heavy. I figured it was time to unload. It was killing me. You know, that’s what my first impression was of my last Ketamine session. Now that I have had time to process my session I realize something even more profound.

During my session I kept saying I want to heal me. I want to heal me. I repeated this statement over and over as my voice grew. I want to heal me. I NEED to heal me. It felt great shouting it. I am staring at the ceiling and it appears to be a window. Many windows. I am tracing the frames with my eyes. I switched to whispering I want to save me. I want to save me. I want to save me. All the while bawling my eyes out. I NEED to save me! I felt as the session was coming to an end that I had vomited up so much garbage that I should feel amazing. I did not. I didn’t feel anything but anger. I have so much anger. I am so afraid of it. I unloaded for over an hour. My doctor had to reschedule a meeting he wanted to attend because I was pouring and dumping all my trash in his lap making it impossible for him to get up and abandon me. I am not proud of this. I dislike feeling needy. I didn’t want to hold on to all that contamination any longer. I need new luggage. And I promise I will get a genuine, true to self, set too. In the meantime, I have to work with the damaged bags I have acquired over time.

The fact that I kept digging deeper and felt completely empty didn’t stop the tears and I continued to whine to my doctor. I didn’t want to leave his office until I was happy. I refused a few times to set an appointment. I couldn’t go. I needed to resolve what felt broken. I realize now, a day and a half later, what I believe is the root of my latest turmoil. I felt I had emptied myself and I was standing in front of my ego. My ego is shoving back. The door ahead of me is anger. It has always been the root. I mean the core is my debilitating depression and anxiety. Which is out of my control. I have not yet accepted this to be true. I am still trying very hard with all my might to control this illness. I can not. I am pissed.

When I got to the empty space in my mind I was standing in front of a vault of a wall. I look up at my doctor and say, okay I think I am at the bottom now. I have purged it all. All but the anger that is. I know that discovering this felt positive and genuine. I felt strong. I wanted to feel uplifted. I want to shed no more tears; ever. I know it doesn’t work that way. I know crying is healthy and can feel really good. BUT… I am afraid tears mean or equate to treatment resistant depression and suicidal thoughts.

Once I was able to leave my doctor’s office I have been reviewing and analyzing our time together to death. And it hit me last night. I want to save me. I want to heal me. It was the message. I was crying out because I don’t feel like I am being heard. I am crying for those lost. I am crying because the very thing I want most is interfering with my personal recovery. I want to spread the word. Ketamine is Hope. I am driven to help others find their way to Ketamine therapy. I am making progress. People are reaching out to me. Those contacting me are not just those like me but professionals too. I am so excited and thrilled. I am also completely overwhelmed. I want to spread the word; to be an advocate for Ketamine. I don’t want to jeopardize my healing. I want both. I thought the website was perfect for me. I could express myself creatively and educate others on Ketamine. This is a reality. I am thrilled. I want more voices for Ketamine. I want people talking about it. I do.

I now see my last Ketamine experience clearly. I want to save me. I need to heal me. I have always been able to write as a way to process. I recently felt anxious at the thought of writing. What is that about?? I have never. I have felt anxious if I need to write and have no paper or pen. It finally occurred to me that I usually wrote without any audience in mind. I wrote for me. I need to write for me. I enjoy it. It is healing. I never think about why I am writing. I am writing to express myself in a world I often feel an alien in.

Well, I started this website to advocate for Ketamine and thought little of anything else. The problem (and it isn’t really an issue per say) for me is people are being introduced to my website. A few have reached out which is phenomenal. I have been clueless for so long and it feels amazing to discover others using Ketamine therapy with very much the same results. However, I am now aware that people are reading my words. I honestly freaked out. I mean what do I have to say? I no longer knew what to say. What do people want to know? What should I share? What resources should I add? What is useful? What is self indulgent? OCD thinking has made a permanent residence in my mind. I am spinning. Spinning. I mean there are so many ways to approach my website. I have seen a few other Ketamine advocate sites and of course I think mine is crap in comparison and why bother. I have nothing to say of value. And I keep spinning.

It was only after my Ketamine shot on Monday night that I felt myself scream out to get my attention! I was dying to get myself to pay attention to me. I am always saying I never feel heard. Funny. Ironic. I am the one that wasn’t listening. My anxiety and driven personality they want and need me to be 100%, all the time, to all people. I lose myself in others. I would start to write, to blog and erase it. I was writing in a style unfamiliar to me. I figured my way was definitely the wrong method to truly advocate for Ketamine and kept switching it up in my head. I kept spinning. I couldn’t write. Writing is my therapy. It has also been my way to stay sane. My world made up of feelings and language. Perfectly safe. I shared very little of my writing over the years. No more. I opened myself up. I am allowing my words to be seen and read. What if it is not good enough? What if I am not good enough? I am now aware of others with Ketamine websites and they are great. I ask more questions to myself. Do I need to be more like them? Do I? Do I need to change to fit in? And once again… the spinning and anger. I just want to write to keep my head above water. I need to write to make sense out of a world that is complicated and confusing. I need to write to heal. I need to write to save myself.

So, you see my Ketamine session was once again enlightening. I sit here in a pool of anxiety. I will push through it. I can push through the discomfort because I found Ketamine. I feel free. I can write. I am not writing to anyone special but yet I am! I write for all parts of me. I have chosen to share as a way to advocate this miraculous drug therapy for treatment resistant depression. My words may annoy many. There will be haters. I may fail. I may not be 100% perfect. And that doesn’t sit well with me. I want to be the best. I want to save all. I want to have that accomplished by yesterday.

I am spinning. I must stop. I am climbing up that vast staircase that keeps disintegrating beneath my feet. I keep at it. Maybe just maybe? Maybe my style of writing and expressing myself will communicate and comfort. It is possible that my writings may also reach into the depths of a dying soul and give them hope. Hope is something I was looking for when Ketamine entered my life. I want to offer that in return.

The spinning is slowing. I am gaining ground again. I need to listen to my words and pleas too. I have decide to go back to writing to the my voices in my head. I may approach that one unique voice and write with my heart in my fingertips and it will be so powerful. It will awaken the dead. It will allow me to help a person suffering. What I have learned is that person is me. I want to save me. I want to heal me. I am. I write for me. I hope my words speak volumes to you and you gain a little something from my journey. I really do. That will be a remarkable bonus for me. It can not be my objective. My inner child was shouting and I am listening. I am no longer spinning. I am standing still. Just breathing.

February 28 2017

alive

susangayhart Poetry agoraphobia, alone, antidepressants, anxiety, clinical depression, depressed, depression, depression signals, emotions, hospitalizations, lonely, Major Depressive Disorder, mental health, mental illness, myketaminestory, observing, sadness, suicidal depression, suicide, suicide prevention, suidical depression, symptoms, treatment resistant depression

My body is solid, I’m alive or so they say
my mind is in a whirl that keeps spinning round
I put in my favorite tape and press play
I hold the sharp razor to my right wrist

I close my eyes and think only of harmony
the peace I am seeking, imagine serenity
ponder the feeling of being free, out of this misery
I cut deep and close my eyes tighter as I cut deeper

I think of the freedom I am seeking
it races through my mind continuously
I was now concentrating on the razor
I change the cold steel to the other wrist

I take hundreds of pills to ensure my death
as I feel the blood so slick and sticky
oh so much blood, I still have my eyes glued shut
as I feel the blood soaking my clothing I think

It will all be over soon, the blood feels so warm
the heat makes me comfortable within
the best I’ve felt in such a long time
I laugh inside as a smile races across my face

Just then I hear the telephone rings then once again
my eyes open with no intention of answering it
it rings again, I glance down at my wrist
panic arose inside puzzled and so very much alive

I don’t understand, no words to explain
the telephone rings again I pull the line
I should be dying, inside my soul weeps
as I have to face yet another day
SEG

*Most of the poetry posted on my website was written during my teens and twenties. There are a few exceptions but typically I find myself wanting to journal regularly and write poetry if inspired. Poetry has been my therapist during many trying times. I have decided to post these poems because it reflects my history with suicidal depression and the struggles I encountered trying to cope with life and depression.

February 26 2017

can’t walk it off

susangayhart Poetry alone, anxiety, autumn, clinical depression, colors, depressed, depression signals, foliage, fresh air, help, insight, insomnia, longing, Major Depressive Disorder, meditation, mental illness, myketaminestory, observing, panic attacks, running, sadness, self aware, suicidal depression, suicide, suicide prevention, suidical depression, symptoms, walking, winter

Whenever I’m depressed or anxious
I’ll sometimes take a long walk
which allows me to contemplate my life

Walking in the autumn is I find especially nice
looking at all the different colored leaves
but discovering no comfort for winter will soon arrive

I try breathing in the fresh air
attempting to live for the moment
I could walk forever wishing I could quiet my mind

I long to stroll without a care in the world
but as I roam down the street the issues
race through my head obsessively

I don’t possess the ability to turn off my mind
It’s such a dilemma to me, not being aware
how to solve my problems and deal with my past

Yearning desperately that I could merely
walk it off, but realistically I recognize
the depression, my illness will still be there

There are times when I figure a way to cope
a strategy or solution may occur to me
but never can I just walk it off or disappear
SEG

February 23 2017

deception

susangayhart Poetry affairs, alone, anxiety, clinical depression, deception, desire, emotional affair, insight, lies, lonely, longing, loving, Major Depressive Disorder, meditation, mental health, mental illness, myketaminestory, panic attacks, relationships, sadness, suicidal depression, suicide, suicide prevention, suidical depression, support, symptoms, treatment resistant depression

I hurt the one that I love immensely
I am ashamed of, and very angry too
could it be that my illness caused it?
I did so many actions that I can undo
carried out too many unforgivable things

Can he or I ever forgive myself for my conduct?
the reasons for my deception hurts inside
I devoted myself to man in marriage
why did I break that commitment to him?
was it because I thought he didn’t care?

I believed that he didn’t understand my mental illness
that the love we once shared so deeply
was no longer in existence, plainly dead
did I destroy a relationship I treasured?
morally I let go of what was meaningful to me

I went looking for others for the support and love
how can he ever pardon the affair when I know
that his heart is breaking from half a world away
will our marriage withstand all that I have done
or will it end in a wicked and ugly divorce?
SEG

February 21 2017

insightful

susangayhart Poetry anxiety, clinical depression, conversations, depressed, depression signals, ECT, fault, guilt, hate, help, hurt, longing, lost, love, Major Depressive Disorder, mental health, mental illness, observing, panic attacks, remembering, sadness, self aware, side effects, suicidal depression, suicide, suicide prevention, suidical depression, symptoms, treatment resistant depression, treatments

When I first met you, I was extremely ill
but you looked into my blue eyes,
eyes that I figure hide everything
all my pain, all my anger, my entire life
yet you could see that I had no childhood

You were correct, I was robbed of the laughter,
the enjoyment all the things a child should have
I grew up resentful, alone and feeling awful
I thought that every dreadful episode was my fault and guilt
accompanied every event in my life, even before I was able to fight back

I really don’t know how you knew these things
when I was an expert at disguising what lie inside
you could see my inner soul when others couldn’t
tears came because of my broken heart, you said
I must have felt safe with you to be so open

I would love to know, to remember
all the conversations we have had
I pray daily for my memory to return
I practice every chance I get not to be so upset
at the devastating fact that I can’t recall any of them

I do thank you for having the recollections that you do
I listen closely for words, stories, incidents
that may trigger my mind into the past months
so far nothing has been restored to me
but with your caring and sharing, maybe one day
SEG

February 20 2017

lost

susangayhart Poetry alone, anger, baggage, communication, death, depressed, friendships, grief, insight, issues, longing, lost, relationship, suicide prevention, suidical depression, symptoms, tears, treatment resistant depression, trust

The anger that’s inside me
oh, how the anger within me is on fire
I often wonder if I’ll ever find
the water to diminish it

The relationship between us
It just not right
the tension, oh the awful tension
sends flames straight to the sky

I’m lost, so lost as to what to do
what is there to do?
our communication is extinct
and there are many words left unspoken

I feel such fear, too much fear
that all I can do is brush away the tears
If the air is not cleared soon
what will happen to us?

Will the trust ever be restored
or should I head for the door
luggage in both hands
with no future plans, except maybe death?
SEG