semicolon movement

January 31 2017

my body is my canvas

susangayhart Blog anxiety, art, body art, ketamine, Major Depressive Disorder, mental health, mental illness, project semicolon, semicolon movement, suicidal depression, suicide, suicide prevention, tattoo, treatment resistant depression

Hello again. This is Susan from myketaminestory.com. I have been dying to share this story since I decided to develop this website. It was back in September of 2016, well I had been thinking about it months before I approached my family, I asked my husband, son, and his girlfriend to participate in the semicolon movement also known as Project Semicolon. They loved the idea. They all agreed to get semicolon tattoos to support suicide prevention and mental health. My family have experienced decades of my treatment resistant depression, suicide attempts, and hospitalizations. My son’s girlfriend seriously enter his life in the middle of my last major downfall and has unfortunately witness her share of my illness. I was so honored that she agreed to get a semicolon as her first tattoo. That is big. It touched my heart. The fact that none of them hesitated to permanently ink their skins to help raise awareness really made me feel loved and heard. They wanted to support my past and my continuing recovery. That is priceless.

It took a bit of juggling of schedules but in November 2016 we headed to Exposed Temptations Tattoo in Manassas, Virginia to get our tattoos. I contacted Vanis Orr prior to our visit to discuss our tattoos, set up an appointment, and confirmed that we could all come in to see him together. I sent Vanis emails full of images and ideas. We spoke more in depth at the shop. Vanis really listened and designed art we were all so pleased with. We gave him the challenge of having a family in his parlor. He handled himself so professionally. Vanis actively listened as we discussed the meaning behind our tattoos. I highly recommend Vanis Orr. If you are interested in getting a tattoo and happen to be in Manassas, Virginia head over and check out the shop and artists.

During the weeks leading up to our appointment we were texting ideas to each other regularly. My husband sent me a text suggesting I might incorporated the Ketamine symbol into my tattoo. I absolutely loved the idea. It was perfect. I decided what better way to make a statement for Ketamine and Project Semicolon. I was so excited. I already knew I wanted to use a heartbeat with a semicolon. I told Vanis my idea and he brought the Ketamine and Heartbeat semicolon together wonderfully. I wanted the heartbeat on an EKG reading. My goal was to show life and then flat line to represent depression. I added the semicolon and wanted the Ketamine above the semicolon to show that it was Ketamine that started up my life again. I had to show that with the beat beginning after the semicolon. Vanis nailed my ideas.

I think Brittany, my son’s girlfriend, found her design the most difficult to decide on. I was not surprised. It was her first tattoo after all. She decided to go with an elephant and Vanis did an amazing job implementing the semicolon into his trunk. Brittany named her elephant, Henry. The experience couldn’t have been too bad because she has informed us that she is ready to sign up for another tattoo.
The guys went with a simple design, but the statement speaks volumes in support of suicide prevention. They both choose to honor me by using my favorite color, purple, for the ink. It is difficult to see in the photos I am posting and I plan to update later with more professional appearing images. These pictures were taken the day of our tattoos from our phones.

I hope that this post and images inspires more people to go out and support the cause and bring awareness to this critical topic; life.

January 26 2017

just another cocktail

susangayhart Blog antidepressants, anxiety, Ashton Manual, Ativan, Benzodiazepines, clinical depression, depressed, family, hope, insomnia, ketamine, ketamine day, ketamine effects, ketamine shots, Klonopin, Major Depressive Disorder, mental illness, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, OCD, semicolon movement, suicide, suicide prevention, suidical depression, tattoos, treatment resistant depression

Hello again. This is Susan from myketaminestory.com. It has been a few days since my last blog. I am disappointed in myself, but only a little bit. I have not been putting my thoughts down. However, I have been able to get all the layouts and background work completed on my website; I am sure temporarily. Although, I am feeling proud to say that I am slightly less stressed now. I, unfortunately, am a type A personality so I am pretty driven. I suppose by nature I don’t know how to relax. I also believe I was conditioned. This personality trait has its benefits as well as pitfalls. I am also carrying the label of OCD sufferer. It also has been my friend and my horrible nightmare. I have to remind myself constantly of the importance of progress. I don’t want to become overwhelmed and frustrated. I am aware and can acknowledge these perceptions I have of myself and how they affect my interpretation of the world around me. The variety of pills I have been prescribed over the years have definitely placed brick walls in my way.
I have been fortunate to have had a wonderful therapist for many years. I acquired many tools for combating the demons. I continue to use these coping strategies and can remarkably have them work in my favor. The reason once again for this declaration is the use of Ketamine therapy. Ketamine is truly my friend. I received my Ketamine shots last Wednesday. It has been 8 days now. I usually do pretty well for ten days following my Ketamine shots. It has been a struggle for me this past week with major issues with insomnia. The major culprit for my lack of sleep is excruciating pain in my hands. I have had the symptoms medically investigated with no answers. I believe and according to the Ashton Manual the years of being over-prescribed with benzodiazepines used as treatment for my anxiety, panic attacks and agoraphobia. All the damage my pharmacological history has caused and could have been avoided had I found Ketamine years ago. That is why I have such an intense motivation to get this website more operational. I went through years of trying and testing new cocktails of psychiatric drugs; in hopes to find enough relief to agree with everyone around me – life was worth living. I was not a champion and I wanted out of the game. My doctors were even less successful. They had nothing to offer me. I have grown to despise medications of all kinds. I learned to have a deep mistrust for doctors and their reassurances that this combo would be the winner. Many of the doctors in my past would just increase my ativan or klonopin and the results were numbness and long hours sleeping. I was basically being heavily sedated waiting for the next cocktail to begin taking action and bring me back to life. They all failed. A couple combinations lifted the fog briefly but the side effects were unbearable and my body literally couldn’t handle the doses. There have been many trips to the emergency room; far too many. I am trying to accept my past and be grateful for my future. I battle with the anger I still feel about the years I lost to the hands of pointless treatments. I pray others won’t have to wait and will have the advantage of years of quality living. I am on a mission to spread the word. Ketamine works for Treatment Resistant Depression. Pass it on. Discuss it. Tell a friend, doctor, teacher, neighbor, and why not tell a stranger too. I am starting with this website because it is what I can do right now. As I learn more I am sure to access many new avenues and I will be petitioning for the use of Ketamine as drug therapy for treatment resistant depression. I get overwhelmed. I center myself now. Breathe. I am doing what I can where I am today. This is temporary. I am healing. And healing is not linear I am told.