relationships

March 5 2017

question

susangayhart Poetry depression, dreams, future, questions, reality, relationships, uncertain

One night
I lay alone
What is it I want?
Is it out there?
Could I have a peek
Just a small one
To give me a slight clue
Where to begin
A start
Confused, lost, alone
Just me
And
The silent voices
That echo in the night
Nowhere to go
I want to know
What is out there
For me
Anything?

SEG

1/13/89

*Most of the poetry posted on my website was written during my teens and twenties. There are a few exceptions but typically I find myself wanting to journal regularly and write poetry if inspired. Poetry has been my therapist during many trying times. I have decided to post these poems because it reflects my history with suicidal depression and the struggles I encountered trying to cope with life and depression.

March 3 2017

everything

susangayhart Poetry death, depression, faith, hope, longing, losing, love, relationships, voices

I see you in everything
I see your face
I hear your laughter
While I look in the mirror
I see your warm, unforgettable
Smile
Others don’t see it
But they don’t have to
For me to know you’re
There
I remember the words
And the words
Unspoken
I think of the things –
Things I have said
Words I wish I’d said
And the language I hoped
I would never say.
Everywhere I go
You are inside me
You make me feel alive
And dead
All at the same time
Often I think of you
And I wonder to myself
Are you a fantasy
A dream
To unreal to believe in?
But yet I do
I believe in you
I know you exist
No one has to see you
Hear you
or
even touch you
For me
You are everything
And nothing at all.

SEG

*2/6/92

1:30am

February 23 2017

deception

susangayhart Poetry affairs, alone, anxiety, clinical depression, deception, desire, emotional affair, insight, lies, lonely, longing, loving, Major Depressive Disorder, meditation, mental health, mental illness, myketaminestory, panic attacks, relationships, sadness, suicidal depression, suicide, suicide prevention, suidical depression, support, symptoms, treatment resistant depression

I hurt the one that I love immensely
I am ashamed of, and very angry too
could it be that my illness caused it?
I did so many actions that I can undo
carried out too many unforgivable things

Can he or I ever forgive myself for my conduct?
the reasons for my deception hurts inside
I devoted myself to man in marriage
why did I break that commitment to him?
was it because I thought he didn’t care?

I believed that he didn’t understand my mental illness
that the love we once shared so deeply
was no longer in existence, plainly dead
did I destroy a relationship I treasured?
morally I let go of what was meaningful to me

I went looking for others for the support and love
how can he ever pardon the affair when I know
that his heart is breaking from half a world away
will our marriage withstand all that I have done
or will it end in a wicked and ugly divorce?
SEG

February 5 2017

no longer your baby girl

susangayhart Poetry acceptance, alone, child, daddy issues, depressed, disappointments, forgiveness, hurting, insight, panic attacks, parents, reality, relationships, remember, sadness, unconditional love

The sadness is in my eyes
True love is what we deny
If we don’t mend things
I do believe my insides shall die
I guess I was once your baby girl
we both know that love should conquer all
If I could go back and undo
All the hurt and sorrow I put you through
I’d take that chance
To erase the dreadful past
But now it’s up to you and me
To make sure to let that rest
And Daddy I’m sorry to relay
That I’m no longer that baby girl
You could send out to play
I’m all grown up
And ready to let go
But there is something you must know
I’ll always be your baby girl
If you’d let me back in
I can never be totally free
Unless I know you are sincerely pleased
The tears will always shed
Until I know we are truly friends.
SEG