outdoors

People tell me in my heart
I really don’t want to die
but in my mind I hear otherwise
I can’t stop the thoughts in my head
no matter how hard I try

Even if I think of the outdoors
of nature, the sun, the stars
I can dream of the mountains and trees
the summer hikes on my favorite trails
that’s all disappeared, no longer there

What I discover now
Is only loneliness and heartache
deadly thoughts of death and suicide
I want to hide from it all
to turn it off my thoughts as if they were a television

But I can’t switch off the voices in my head
I am afraid to be alone
yet at the same time
I want no one around
why doesn’t any of it make sense to me?
SEG

*Most of the poetry posted on my website was written during my teens and twenties. There are a few exceptions but typically I find myself wanting to journal regularly and write poetry if inspired. Poetry has been my therapist during many trying times. I have decided to post these poems because it reflects my history with suicidal depression and the struggles I encountered trying to cope with life and depression.