observing

December 17 2018

There Is A Need For More Ketamine Providers: A Ketamine Patient’s Point Of View

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Hello again. It is Susan from myketaminestory.com.

I am a blogger that suffers with Treatment Resistant Depression (TRD), Anxiety, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). I was introduced to Ketamine for TRD in January 2015. I am forever grateful that I was. I spent the first two years focused on my recovery. I now have an excellent treatment plan in place, but that does not clear me from obstacles or pitfalls. I journal regularly. I educate and advocate for Ketamine Therapy to help treat chronic depression.

I have written for several Ketamine websites, entirely based on my experience with Ketamine therapy over the past 3.5 plus years in treatment. I am now adding the Ketamine Academy to my list of platforms I am grateful to use, in order to educate and advocate for this cutting edge therapy for treatment resistant depression.

In this blog, I want to discuss why there is such an immense need for more Ketamine providers. I feel there is a profound need for more professionals to offer this life saving treatment to those of us suffering with biochemical imbalances in our brains. There are not nearly enough providers willing to educate themselves on Ketamine in order to administer this quick acting antidepressant to those of us that have been repeatedly unresponsive to the more traditional forms of medicines for battling our illnesses.

We have had to suffer months, oftentimes years, with the demons of depression; all the while anxiously waiting for new medications or the adjustments to the cocktails of medication we were on to take hold of our minds and begin to show signs that it is benefiting us. Only to discover that these changes have once again failed us; that after constantly fighting and trudging forward to keep our sanity, and not act out in desperation, these modifications in our medications have rendered us no aid. In fact, it has set us back in time.

Once again, we try yet another advised remedy, or worse we undergo another round of Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) in the hopes of finding relief. That is not including or beginning to mention the numerous and horrendous side effects we encounter by being a guinea pig during these trials and errors. The results are always the same – nil – and we slowly and painfully lose the mediocre amount of hope we have remaining.

Ketamine can and has offered hope to many of us inflicted with treatment resistant depression. We scrimp and save for the cost of the therapy and travel distances to obtain our Ketamine infusions or intramuscular Ketamine shots so we can reclaim our lives. The one stolen by this debilitating mental illness. Ketamine is proving to be a life raft to those of us out at sea drowning, weighed down by the chaos depression plagues us with. We were out of options until fortunately we discovered Ketamine therapy.

There is a massive need for more professionals willing to educate themselves and extend the service of Ketamine therapy to those of us that may end our stories due to the inability to obtain relief from our horrific symptoms. Many of us have yet to uncover the advantages Ketamine has to bestow upon us.

We need help.

Many of us are responding positively to the drug; Ketamine.

I am one of those patients that can attest to the grand differences that Ketamine has extended to me. I am one of the more auspicious cases. I have the opportunity to inform others like me that there is hope. It is not an easy undertaking. I know what having no desire to keep fighting and searching for relief looks and feels like. I want to extend an enormous net into the ocean of sorrow and pull up those struggling for a breath and for life. I want to offer light on the waves that threaten to crush them. I am determined to help. I know how deep and cruel those waters are. There is a reprieve; a safety boat. It may be overturned and difficult to see through the tears and anguish, but it is floating nearby. Do not give up. Depression is paralyzing. I know. I know all too well what havoc it can create and just how utterly exhausting it is to fight against the sea monsters tugging at your soul begging for you to succumb to the voices in your head pleading for it all to end. I know. I was lost in that abyss, too. I was, as was so eloquently stated in the Netflix series Stranger Things, living in the upside down. I may not have had Eleven on my side but I was saved with the aid of Ketamine.

I have a voice. I am using it in the fashion I feel most comfortable. I am using my words to reach out to those still waging the tides. I speak and I pray you hear me. I pray you find me. I am carrying loads of flashlights in my raft in order to to shine the light on what Ketamine may be able to accomplish for you that other treatments fail to do. I am sharing my insidious journey in an attempt to pacify your fears and possibly, maybe, potentially pull you to safety; so you may one day stand strong on the sandy beach and view the beauty of the sun setting over the same waters that insist on claiming you.

Ketamine has given me back the ability to swim, to float, to dive back into life with a desire that I once only read about in well crafted storybooks. Life. It has given me an appreciation of a full breath. It has rewarded me with countless inhales and exhales free from the terrors and trauma that accompany mental illnesses. I can breathe without the panic and trepidation of swallowing gallons of saltwater; that same vast ocean that once taunted and eluded me for decades has little power over me now. I may feel tiresome and achy and my muscles and mind want to rest, but I am swimming.

However, Ketamine is not a very accessible drug for us. There are not nearly enough Ketamine providers. There is still a vast number of people in the medical field that know nothing of the wonders Ketamine is providing for people like me and you.

There are more and more articles being written about the effectiveness of Ketamine in treating resistant depression, as well as, other mental illnesses – and not excluding a continuing problem with those serving in the military that return to their families with Post Traumatic Stress Disorders. This is incredible news for those of us that have been waging a war with our minds for decades. There is also an online Ketamine training course, through the Ketamine Academy to help potentially interested parties learn what they need to know to become Ketamine providers. The groundwork is there.

Yet more is needed.

When I first discovered that clinical trials were being conducted with Ketamine for treatment resistant depression, I was at the end of my rope. I had tried practically every drug on the market for treating chronic suicidal depression. I was given drugs that showed possibilities for aiding depressive symptoms but were medications used to treat other ailments. I had even resorted to and undergone ECT treatments to no avail. I was out of options and lost all faith in ever finding relief from my disease.

I was done.

I was finished.

I said my goodbyes.

I left my do not resuscitate note on the counter.

I tried one last time to end my life.

I almost succeeded.

My higher power had different plans for me and I was not at all thrilled with the plan when I awoke after my latest suicide attempt. Little did I know that help was right around the corner for me.

My husband and therapist, at the time, both found the same short article on Ketamine and the prospects of this drug having positive outcomes for those suffering with chronic depression and a long history of failed treatments. The key words, treatment resistant depression, sparked interest for them as they read what was highlighted in the two or three paragraphs written about the clinical trials taking place with Ketamine and the positive response they were finding in those afflicted with resistant depression.

That was back in late 2014 and the beginning of January 2015.

It would take months for me to recover, save the money, and locate a Ketamine provider in my area. It was unheard of and my psychiatrist, at the time, actually considered it to be a new age and questionable approach to treating depression and one in his opinion not be trusted. For me, it was literally experimental brain surgery or death; and in all honesty death looked like the viable option for me. I was against the idea of risky procedures that included a scalpel and my brain. I would end up traveling six hours to New Jersey and starting treatments at a clinic offering Ketamine infusions. It would only be the beginning of my journey, but it was a beginning versus an ending.

I am living today because of the help of Ketamine.

I have written of my journey on my website, as well as other Ketamine clinic websites advocating for the use of Ketamine for those suffering from treatment resistant depression. I want to educate and offer hope.

It has been over three and a half years since my first Ketamine infusion and I now receive emails from people world wide trying to locate providers in their area. The issue, the negative – from my point of view, is that the more Ketamine is talked and written about, the plethora of people obviously wanting to know more about this treatment for depression so that they too may find relief are running into a lack of professionals administering Ketamine. I have read numerous emails asking me for assistance in helping them find clinics in their area.

In the beginning, it was patients in the United States seeking my help in locating Ketamine providers in their state, but over the last six months or so those in Europe requesting information has increased. They reach out in order to discover if Ketamine is a viable option for them and where they can obtain it. The colossal problem is the lack of professionals offering Ketamine for depression. It always saddens me to send replies back to suffering individuals saying that the closest Ketamine facility is hours away from their home, or worse, that it is not yet available in their state or country.

I have been fortunate to find a doctor willing to work with me. I am grateful. I truly am. However, even for me it is problematic.

As I sit here writing this article in the comforts of my home, there is snow on the ground. My doctor’s office is an hour away. It is no metaphor that I have to travel through the mountains to get to him. There is three inches of snow outside which is not severe, but only 66 miles away they had ten inches of snow fall yesterday. My depressive symptoms are lurking and I am using my cognitive behavior skills to calm my nerves. Even after three plus years I am no fan of the times when my depressive symptoms filter my mind and world.

All week long I have been apprehensive about the weather forecast and trying to prepare myself for the fact that getting to my appointment may not be possible if the predictions for snow transpired. I am in need of my Ketamine therapy. It has been a difficult couple weeks for me. I have been using my tools and managing my life better than in the past, there is no denying that. Nevertheless, I know that a delay in my treatment could mean unnecessary backslides for me. I work very hard to keep my symptoms at bay as they can take me down the rabbit hole in days. I can’t afford to be out of commision.

The treatments are not cheap and the risk of losing time due to the return of my depressive symptoms makes life grueling for me. I lose so much. I struggle with perspective. My world is darker and small obstacles seem monumental to me once the depression presents itself. My tool box that is usually overflowing with mindfulness techniques and cognitive behavior strategies empties. The tools are there. I just can’t see them. I can’t remember what to do.

I am in a state of confusion.

I am that lost and scared little girl wandering back and forth looking for her lost soul. It is buried. I fight to gain the clarity I now know exists for me but it gets hazy and out of focus. I get fueled with hurt and resentments that I can’t shake or let go of. My thoughts race. I feel like I am losing my footing.

I wish that more doctors or nurse practitioners would be willing to administer Ketamine to me. I get internally angry that I can’t just go in to see my local primary care person and have them administer my Ketamine shot to me.

I rage on in my mind.

I talk to others willing to listen to me. I try to educate and inform practitioners whenever I have the opportunity. I want them to be open to learning more and possibly be willing and able to administer my Ketamine injection in an emergency. However, unfortunately, it is not an uncomplicated issue and many are unwilling to commit to being available to me in an emergency, or for long term care for that matter. It is frustrating. I have been getting intramuscular Ketamine injections for years and still I run into conflicts.

It is not that cut and dried.

I am aware of that. I am.

Being a Ketamine advocate has its rewards, but it is not a trouble-free discussion to have with others. It is difficult to explain to the common person and often times even more challenging to tackle with professionals that Ketamine isn’t a pill I can take. It has to be given to me through an injection or infusion. I attempt to explain why.

Yes, I want to scream at times.

I want to pound my fists and stomp my feet.

Listen to me.

I have been getting this treatment for over three and a half years now. I am not a novice. I could give it to myself. I should be able to give it to myself. It is no different than a diabetic giving themselves an insulin shot.

I feel outraged.

I understand logically why Ketamine is still controversial, but my emotional mind doesn’t care. I know more about the world I will be plunged into if I don’t get treatments. It is not a place I want to visit.

When caring individuals in my life don’t understand my predicament and I am unable to explain the quandary I am in, I feel I am doing an injustice to Ketamine, and to others that could aid in its use. I start to get frustrated explaining to others why Ketamine is not available by just any doctor or practitioner. It is not an easy task. Even as Ketamine is being written and talked about more frequently, there are a throng of professionals clueless about Ketamine and the benefits for patients with treatment resistant depression. I won’t give up. This topic is too important.

I also know realistically that it is not as easy as just giving me the shot. I do. I absolutely understand the red tape. Unfortunately, the FDA is involved and not supportive. Ketamine is classified as a dissociative anesthetic. It is an old drug and there is no money in using Ketamine, as is, to treat depression. Instead they will have big pharma create a synthetic version of the drug so they may profit. It is all about the dollar and they are not interested in what a Ketamine-like drug will cause in terms of side effects. They will surely discover a drug to counter those effects later. My experience with Ketamine is that there are no long lasting side effects. The drug is out of my system in less than an hour, yet the antidepressant properties of the drug and its benefits to my mental health continue for weeks. That is not important, apparently. It doesn’t seem to matter that this “old” drug is helping many patients when no other drug or treatment has and could potentially aid thousands if not more depressive sufferers just the way it is. I digress. Okay, rant over.

I lied, I will also briefly add, as I don’t want to stray off topic too far, that I have not even touched on the subject of insurance companies and their refusal to cover Ketamine therapy. Now I promise I will end my tirade by simply stating that education is extremely important and required.

I will keep writing and informing any professional willing to give me the time. I think it is one reason I am writing for the Ketamine Academy. It is a an online training course designed to assist others in the ins and outs of becoming a Ketamine provider. I know first hand how imperative it is to have more people able and available to administer Ketamine, in a safe environment, in order to reach more sufferers with treatment resistant depression. I won’t even go into how it could also bring down costs of the therapy and include even more patients that are in need. I will save that for another blog.

I know that winter is only just beginning and these issues with the weather and travel will be a theme for me until Spring. I can’t express enough how if only there were more provider of Ketamine therapy this would not be an issue for me or others. More importantly, Ketamine could reach more individuals wanting to try this new antidepressant and can’t because it is not offered in their area. The depressive people this drug could help is limitless, in my opinion.

I hope you will join me in learning more about Ketamine, by reading my blog posts and sharing with friends and family. I will be posting regularly on The Ketamine Academy website, as well as on my personal website at MyKetamineStory.com. I know what a miraculous drug Ketamine is. I am absolutely confident that I have lived 3.5 plus years (and counting) longer than I would have if my husband had never discovered an article in 2015, about using Ketamine for treatment resistant depression. I continue to heal and grow with the help of Ketamine.

We all need a platform to stand on and be heard. I truly believe Ketamine is a worthy topic. I sincerely want to inform as many people as I can. It is possible that we may all know someone suffering from Treatment Resistant Depression (TRD) or Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I believe they might benefit from Ketamine Infusions. I know that I definitely have had, and continue to have, amazing success with Ketamine treatments. I know how frantic I have felt when I had no hope, no light guiding my way. If one person reads this blog and can help themselves or someone they love out of darkness, it is worth the time I put into my writing. I know from experience how life- altering Ketamine can be.

I have treatment resistant depression and anxiety disorder, but that isn’t who I am. My blog is my journey. The articles I write are lessons I have learned along the way. I pray that others suffering will somehow find their way to my website so I can introduce them to the possibilities of Ketamine. I ask a power greater than myself to bring as many practitioners, fighting for their patients and wanting to participate in positive change, to read my words of hope.

Until next time, feel free to comment or shoot me an email. Better yet, if you are a healthcare provider, why not sign up for the Ketamine training course today through The Ketamine Academy. Be a force of positive change. Be an option. Be a place for those suffering with Treatment Resistant Depression or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder to turn when all other avenues have been exhausted.

Ketamine is hope.

If you are interested in educating yourself further on Ketamine therapy for Treatment Resistant Depression, check out the four-part series I wrote answering questions about Ketamine use, based on my experience with Ketamine therapy over the past 3.5 plus years:

My first blog, Ketamine: Addressing Questions & Concerns focused on my early experience with Ketamine Infusions.

In part two of the series, Addressing Questions & Concerns About Ketamine Therapy for Treatment Resistant Depression I addressed questions and concerns about Intramuscular Ketamine vs Ketamine Infusion therapy.

In my third blog, Frequently Asked Questions: Redefining Depression With The Assistance Of Ketamine Therapy, I was a bit more random. I had emails with several questions and themes, and I addressed as many inquiries as I could.

In my final question and answer dialogue, Pondering Concerns & Questions: The Benefits Of Ketamine For Treatment Resistant Depression, I discussed research, clinical studies, and the need for changes to occur within our insurance companies and federal government so that maybe one day Ketamine will not be so difficult to afford or obtain, from any qualified professional.

I hope these personal blogs from a patient that suffered for over four decades with treatment resistant depression will be helpful in convincing you why Ketamine could help you or someone you love.

Originally Post On The Ketamine Academy

November 25 2018

Ketamine Therapy: When Getting Intramuscular Ketamine Injections Does The Size Of The Needle Matter?

Hello again. It is Susan from myketaminestory.com.

In this blog, I want to discuss whether the size of the needle used when getting intramuscular Ketamine injections makes any kind of difference on the Ketamine session and the effectiveness of Ketamine therapy overall. The reason I bring this up as a topic is because recently my doctor switched the syringe he was using when administering my Ketamine, and I have a few promising insights.

Initially, my doctor was using a 1cc tuberculin syringe with a fairly long needle, and the effects following the injection were often extremely unpredictable for me. The Ketamine would allow me to be symptom free for an upwards of two weeks, but while the Ketamine was in my system I had mild to severe differences in effect during my forty-five to sixty minute appointment.

The experiences I had following my injection could range anywhere from an intoxicating feeling, as though I had just slammed a couple of tequila shots, to a more profound dissociative effect. What I mean by that is, I often perceived my thoughts and feelings outside of my body. The best way to explain this is to say it was like watching a movie, but sensing the thoughts, reactions, and actions of the actor. That actor was me.

It was bizarre. It was intriguing. It was not at all scary for me. In fact, in the three years and nine months that I have been receiving Ketamine therapy, I have only had one horrible experience. I can now reflect back on that incident and know the reason behind it. I can honestly admit that I don’t necessarily handle change very well, and various situations were causing me a tremendous amount of stress prior to that unpleasant treatment. I will say that even after that event I still benefited from the Ketamine injection, and my depressive symptoms were lifted. That is the ultimate goal.

If I noticed that I was becoming overwhelmed by the scene, I was capable of reminding myself that “this sensation will end shortly” and that “I am in a safe place.” I frequently closed my eyes during treatments as there was a lot going on for me. In fact, I was not always aware that my eyes were closed because the pictures I would view were very much alive. I would feel as though my eyes were wide open due to the vividness of the images and colors. Yet, in most of my appointments, I am able to carry on a conversation of sorts.

I continuously try to use the Ketamine to my advantage by engaging in psychotherapy with my doctor. Ketamine offers me clarity. It is as though I am speaking freely from my unconscious state of mind. A type of free association, which in turns brings about some astute facts about myself.

I can remember many times being obsessed with time. I would routinely ask my doctor how many minutes have passed since the injection. It became a theme in my appointments, and I laugh about it now. It gave me comfort knowing how much time had passed and what remained.

It was interesting; each and every Ketamine therapy appointment was never quite the same. I would learn so much during these sessions about myself. I still do. I had, and repeatedly have, some intense and incredible insights that aid me wholeheartedly in my self awareness and healing.

I found it pleasant much of the time. I used that time under Ketamine to learn more about myself in order to grow and learn to live a more positive and productive life. These discoveries were not always ones I was ready to learn about myself; sometimes the truth hurts.

As I said, Ketamine offers clarity.

However, it was very inconsistent in terms of what was going to happen at any given appointment, and that would generally be unsettling for me. I wouldn’t necessarily be in a state of panic per se, but curious with an underlying level of anxiety. I am a control freak, and I have an insatiable need to predict what is going to happen to me at any given moment. I have recently learned that it is this drive to forecast my life that hinders me from actually living it.

I typically want to participate in psychotherapy during my treatments, but this wasn’t always possible. I would customarily share what I was experiencing during my session with my doctor. Yet, I wanted to also work on life skills and coping, which wasn’t routinely an option for me when I was undergoing my Ketamine therapy.

During several of my Ketamine treatments it was as though I was swimming in colors and involved in a variety of themes. I felt weighed down and cloudy. I would get caught up in what I was seeing and feeling. Yet, at the same time, very aware of my emotions and consciousness. The stories seemed to be happening outside of my inner world or the environment I was in, such as my doctor’s office or the chair I was sitting in.

It is difficult to explain adequately.

When I am asked how Ketamine infusions and intramuscular injections differ I never know how to answer. There have been instances where my Ketamine therapy was exactly the same in terms of having that “trippy” sensation occur. I have had infusions where very little happened besides feelings of calm and a sense of contentment. The sense that all was right in my world and mind. This has been my experience with Ketamine injections, too. It is quite unknown to me what will take place during my treatments.

One thing that generally happened and continues to be my outcome is a lifting in my depressive symptoms. This is my primarily reason for getting Ketamine therapy and whatever happens during a Ketamine appointment is secondary.

Fast forward to three and half years later.

I return from a twenty-eight day treatment center feeling optimistic. I am home for roughly five weeks before having to think about resuming my Ketamine therapy. I find the depressive symptoms returning and dictating my life; my mental illness needs attention once again. In all truthfulness, it was something I was hoping to escape from permanently with the use of all the new tools and therapies at my disposal.

That would not be the case for me.

I have a disease that needs treatment.

I am still working on acceptance.

I decided to continue seeing my doctor for cognitive behavior therapy sessions following my recovery program, and things are going remarkably well for me.

The depression always resurfaces. It just does.

My doctor and I discuss my resistance to accepting my illnesses. I fight against giving up control, but what I have discovered is letting go of old ideas brings peace and freedom. My depression wants to keep me locked in a dark place, but I know the solution and have a medication that relieves me of my depressive symptoms.

It is okay.

My doctor informs me, Ketamine is just your antidepressant – and I listen.

I concede.

My doctor then suggested to me that we change the needle size we are using to administer my Ketamine. I asked him why he wants to change the syringe he is using and I will admit I felt apprehensive. He knows me well and educates me. In my mind, knowledge is power and I adjust more readily when I have the reasons behind any type of change. I am more willing. I hear him out. I listen when he explains to me that he wants to use a BD 1cc U100 insulin syringe instead of our standard tuberculin syringe, and why. It is his belief that by using a shorter needle he will have a more consistent and controlled delivery of the Ketamine.

I trust him.

He wants me to take note of any observations I have using the new insulin needle. I have no problem providing him with an honest assessment, as I have been a wealth of information to him and we work fantastic together. The use of Ketamine is incredibly new and it is crucial to document the changes we make and my outcomes. My sharing is vital to my recovery. It is another reason why I write on the subject on Ketamine. I want to educate and allow others to benefit from my experiences.

It has been over two months now that we have been using the new syringe, and I have noticed a huge change in what I experience while in his office. Needless to say, I want to elaborate on what I mean exactly.

As I have stated previously, the major complaint I had about Ketamine therapy was the inconsistencies during the treatment itself. I rarely knew what I was going to experience during my office visit. This unknown factor frequently produced, for me, low levels of anxiety. I enjoy learning about myself. I set goals for myself. I strive to get better and understand how I might be able to cope with my place in the world. I typically enter my doctor’s office with a topic to discuss or an event I need to sort through so I may move past it.

I classify myself as a type A personality.

I like to use my time with my doctor to my advantage. If I am getting my Ketamine treatment I also want to use the time to talk about my last couple weeks and the struggles I may have encountered in order to learn from them and hopefully find new methods to manage and better maneuver through similar obstacles in the future. Or perhaps, discover why I may have reacted the way I did in the first place. I long for a deep understanding of self. I want to change my story going forward. I refuse to stay stuck in unhealthy management skills.

I seek recovery.

I don’t want to write of nightmares and tragedies.

I want to offer hope.

I want to engulf myself in serenity. I need that after decades of not believing that was even a possibility for me. I was convinced, 100%, that my story would end in suicide. It almost was my outcome. There wasn’t a treatment, medication, or procedure that ever offered me the hope I have received from Ketamine therapy.

I digress.

In the past, I would have feelings of apprehension when entering my doctor’s office for my Ketamine injection. I would have an agenda, a goal, or a frustration I was experiencing, but I never fully trusted that I would be able to converse or that I would be given the opportunity to speak my ideas or concerns. The Ketamine would dictate the direction the session would take.

Over the last several appointments one thing has become blatantly obvious to me: the size of the needle does in fact make a difference for me. It is worthy of this rumination of sorts.

The biggest observation I have made over the last couple of months is I no longer find myself closing my eyes. I don’t need to. My outer world is stable and not altered in any way. I am aware of my surroundings. I don’t feel remotely overwhelmed by the visuals or colors. I am impressively capable of discussing my agenda.

I can work on me. I can now participate regularly in cognitive behavioral therapy and discuss mindfulness techniques I can utilize in the coming weeks.

I don’t sink into that heavy pool of water and heaviness. I am no longer swimming, constantly fighting, to reach the surface so that I may discuss my life instead of what I am experiencing with the Ketamine.

I can work my recovery.

I can delve into my experiences living life.

I don’t lose track of the conversation because my mind wanders and follows another theme set by the Ketamine. I am no longer explaining what I see and what I am encountering.

I am present.

I can consistently stay on topic and I am open to hearing feedback.

It was just this past week, on my way to get Ketamine, that I remarked to my husband that it was a blessing that I didn’t feel any concerns about what I would experience during my Ketamine treatment. I didn’t have to worry about whether I would feel nauseous. I didn’t have to stew or wonder if I would be able to ask a relevant question that could aid me in coping with the coming weeks as I knew I would get the opportunity to question my doctor. I didn’t have to obsess over time. I no longer needed to have my husband remind me of the things I wanted to share.

I feel a sense of freedom from the experience I once had while under the influence of Ketamine.

The remarkable thing is I am even more attuned to the shift that takes place when I am getting my Ketamine.

It is fascinating to me.

I can walk into my doctor’s office feeling intense depression and negativity about myself and life in general, and within a short time I get relief.

I will be worked up and explaining to my doctor how I am struggling with motivation and dark thoughts and begin to question myself as to whether those statements and feelings are true. I no longer feel those familiar resentments and despair I get when the depression returns.

I begin to use contradictory statements. I hear myself. I listen to my intuition.

I no longer have that fight to convince my doctor just how bad I am feeling. I want to continue on and express how horrible the past day or two have been for me. It is then that I notice a swing in my thoughts. I am saying words that just don’t feel real or accurate. The Ketamine works its “magic” and I feel slightly more optimistic. I can recognize this change in my thinking and will make note of it to my doctor.

I start using past tense in my conversation.

I feel becomes I felt.

I didn’t want to get out of bed flips to maybe I just needed to recharge after a stressful week.

It still puzzles me how Ketamine works.

But it does work.

I feel uplifted. I begin to genuinely see how ridiculous my thoughts were.

I pause. It has been less than twenty minutes. I feel like I am back.

The upsetting darkness I walked into my appointment with has faded away.

I am clear minded and hopeful.

What is even more impressive is I no longer have to dive into the abyss, feel that sense of disassociation from my body and mind, or that intense drunkenness I encountered during almost every treatment.

I truly believe that it is because we changed the syringe I was using to get the Ketamine injection that my experience of the Ketamine therapy has changed. My doctor now has a more consistent and controlled method of ensuring that the complete dose of Ketamine is entering the muscle and not the bloodstream.

I have now had six very similar experiences, using the insulin needle to deliver the Ketamine. All of these injections have had very little effects of the drug, or have had a really mild feeling of being under the influence of a medication. I will take it.

I now know what to expect during my Ketamine treatment and that is a consistent shift from the horrors of depression to a more buoyant mood.

What a true gift Ketamine has been for me; clarity and hope. Add to that positive statement the fact that by using a BD 1cc U100 insulin syringe, the Ketamine effects I was once experiencing are tailored down tremendously. It has me convinced that the size of the needle for Ketamine injections is vital. It definitely helps to ensure a method of controlled delivery, as well as, minimizes the side effects during the treatment appointment itself.

I hope you will join me in learning more about Ketamine, by reading my blog posts and sharing with friends and family. I will be posting regularly on The Ketamine Academy website, as well as, on my personal website at MyKetamineStory.com. I know what a miraculous drug Ketamine is. I am absolutely confident that I have lived 3.5 plus years (and counting) longer than I would have if my husband had never discovered an article in 2015, about using Ketamine for treatment resistant depression. I continue to heal and grow with the help of Ketamine.

Ketamine is hope.

My first blog, Ketamine: Addressing Questions & Concerns focused on my early experience with Ketamine Infusions.

I hope these personal blogs from a patient that suffered for over four decades with treatment resistant depression will be helpful in convincing you why Ketamine could help you or someone you love.

Originally posted on The Ketamine Academy website

November 20 2018

Ketamine Therapy And Cannabis: A Potentially Unhealthy Alliance

susangayhart Blog addiction, antidepressants, anxiety, anxiety disorders, breathing, cannabis, CBT, centering, clinical depression, death, depressed, depression, depression signals, effects without ketamine, emotions, grief, grounding, help, hope, hospitalizations, insight, ketamine, Ketamine Academy, ketamine day, ketamine effects, ketamine infusions, ketamine shots, Major Depressive Disorder, marijuana, meditation, mental health, mindful, mindfulness, mindfulness based cognitive therapy, myketaminestory, observing, OCD, panic attacks, recovery, rehab, self aware, suicidal depression, suicide, suicide prevention, suidical depression, treatment resistant depression, treatments, wellness

Hello again. It is Susan from myketaminestory.com.

I am a blogger that suffers with Treatment Resistant Depression (TRD), Anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). I was introduced to Ketamine for TRD in January 2015. I am forever grateful that I was. I spent the first two years focused on my recovery. I now have an excellent treatment plan in place, but that does not clear me from obstacles or pitfalls. I journal regularly. I educate and advocate for Ketamine Therapy to help treat depression.

In this blog, I am going to discuss how the use of Ketamine and Cannabis together may not be a healthy combination for treating depression and anxiety disorders. It has been my experience that Ketamine, by infusion or intramuscular injections, is an excellent drug for combatting treatment resistant depression. Ketamine has worked magnificently for me over the past several years. However, even with the positive effects of the Ketamine, I was still struggling to manage my anxiety disorders and decided, on my own, to self medicate my anxieties with Cannabis. My initial reaction to this alliance seemed positive. It appeared as though these two drugs were working nicely together. Nevertheless, over long term use I was discovering complications. This is solely my experience, but I feel it has some merit and is worthy of discussing.

Ketamine has assisted me in my abilities to return to the world of the living after decades of suicidal depression. In spite of that, I was wrestling with continuous nervousness and trepidation.

I have been fortunate enough to have the help of Ketamine therapy to aid me in experiencing freedom from depressive symptoms for weeks at a time. In addition, I have gained profound mental clarity, introspection, and self awareness over the past several years using IM Ketamine as my antidepressant. It continually grants me the ability to make connections between my thinking and behaviors. It relieves me from the hellacious world I once lived in, for decades. It gives me the ability to explore my inner self and find the self awareness needed to heal.

If you would, please allow me to digress a bit.

I took several months off from writing to work on underlying issues stemming from childhood experiences, self medicating, intense anxiety, fear of failing and succeeding, and complications from past treatments that kept me locked in a cycle of self destruction.

I took a month away and entered myself into an intensive recovery program. I can now admit that it was the best decision I ever made for myself. I learned such valuable lessons about myself and what was holding me back from living. Ketamine allowed me to see the truth about myself and yet I was resistant to change. I didn’t know how to not be depressed and anxious. I had been in such a cycle of self loathing that even with the help of Ketamine I was unable to consistently be okay with life.

I wanted to control every element of my world and often found myself in a pit of despair and hopelessness. I was fighting against feeling good about my future and sinking further into old behavior patterns. It was killing me. I was willingly and slowly committing suicide. I could not cope. I didn’t want to be a part of this world, where I had to fight for every sane thought and moment. I was exhausted.

It was not an easy decision for me.

I did not want to admit to my part in the darkness I was creating.

Ketamine lifted the depression, but I had years of behaviors and thought patterns to break free from. My depression and the symptoms that coexist with this hideous disease were helped with my Ketamine therapy. However, I was unprepared for the success. I was an infant to all the new emotions I was feeling. I have decades of tools hidden in my mind for managing my insidious negative mental states, yet I was refusing to use them. I was persistently terrified and didn’t understand why.

I mean, I wanted to live a productive, mindful and content life. I did. I still do. At the same time, I was reluctant to do the work. I was filled with anger. I was filled with hate; a red hot burning rage and it was nothing Ketamine could fix. I really thought that once the depression was lifted I was going to be free. I believed that I would be healed and could move on. Let go. Enjoy this life I was given.

That would not be my story. Ketamine is a remarkable drug for treating depression, but it can’t fix the years of how I fought to stay alive. I can’t make the hurts, the memories, the grief, the loss of decades of my life disappear.

I still had work to do.

I was pissed.

I didn’t understand these new feelings I was experiencing and I definitely did not appreciate the time that was involved in sorting through them all. It was too much for me. I was beginning to suffer with panic attacks daily. I would lash out in frustration and self pity.

I felt raw.

All the time.

I wanted badly to numb the anxiety. I wanted to numb everything. I didn’t realize it at the time, but on reflection it is very obvious that I wanted the familiar back. I knew how to manage the darkness I once lived in to some degree. It was not a life I wanted back. I didn’t long for the hell I was locked in for over twenty five years, but I felt like the anxiety I was wading in every second was too much to bare, too. I felt constantly confused and horrified.

I started to self medicate with Marijuana.

And I thought I had found the perfect combination of medicines.

Ketamine for the depression. Marijuana for the anxiety.

It worked for a while. I was a believer. I thought I had mastered my depression and anxiety.

A perfect blend.

It worked for me.

Then it didn’t.

It became problematic, and I couldn’t stop. I was too afraid to not use weed to control my anxiety and I was way too fearful to go without it. I was petrified of the anxiety I thought would return if I didn’t smoke.

I started using all the time. I was no longer able to use only when the anxiety was present. I was waking up in the middle of the night and using it to get back to sleep. I now realize that I was making choices to isolate and avoid life in order to numb myself. I believed, in the beginning, that I was keeping the anxiety away. On reflection, I can see that I began trying to predict what types of situations would cause panic attacks or even experiences that would create mild anxiety. I would choose to get high to avoid the sensations associated with my anxieties.

In reality, I was discovering that I couldn’t face…. me.

I was finding I needed more weed to get the same effects; to get that reprieve from myself and my inability to cope. I couldn’t manage my life, especially a life without my enemy and long-time nemesis. I know that sounds counterintuitive. My depressive symptoms were at bay. I should have been thrilled and at ease.

Yet, I still felt lost and afraid.

I am familiar with addiction, as I am a recovering alcoholic. I haven’t had a drink in close to sixteen years. I viewed my alcoholism as a thing of the past. Despite that, my tolerance for Cannabis was building. I could see the signs. I ignored them. I really convinced myself I had the perfect medication duo. I made excuses for my behaviors and my mood swings. I wanted to deny I was causing my spinning. I fought the thoughts asking me to investigate my role in my downward spiral. I got pretty good at avoidance. I was an expert at shifting focus and placing blame. I lied to everyone. I lied incessantly to myself.

I am a pro at lying to myself. I think a lot of us are.

The problem is that the more I used cannabis the less effective the Ketamine was at fighting the depression. I had denied this realization for months. I started to blame the Ketamine. I had my doctor increase the Ketamine dose. When the depression would resurface after eight or nine days I started going weekly to get my Intramuscular Ketamine shots. I lied to my doctor about my marijuana use. I lied to everyone. Most of all I lied to myself.

I didn’t want to admit I had a problem that I thought I was causing. I wanted to blame my mental illness. I wanted to target everything outside of my addiction issues. It worked for some time. Addiction is a cunning enemy. It often wins.

Ketamine gave me hope. I knew that I could have a better life.

If I was willing to do the work.

Ketamine gives me mental clarity. It got harder to deceive myself.

It was becoming blatantly obvious to me that I was extremely wrong about my perfect marriage of Ketamine and Marijuana. I was ashamed. I didn’t want to admit to my doctor that I was trying to get a constant daily reprieve from my anxiety disorder with the help of cannabis. I also didn’t want to stop. I didn’t think I could deal with the anxiety and their causes. Yet, I could not deny that something was off. I was not right. I started to have a hypothesis that maybe the marijuana was hindering the effectiveness of the Ketamine. I became very suspicious that maybe, just maybe, my using behavior was not helping me. I was still searching for evidence that I was wrong in my thinking. I didn’t want to give it up.

I talked to my doctor. I opened up to him. I was as I honest with him as am I being with you by recounting the errors in my thinking and trying to do things my way. I tried to cut back. I tried CBD oil. I tried going days without. The suicidal thinking returned; it was definitely not helping me with clarity and understanding. I knew I needed to stop. I wanted to stop. I could not stop. I was hateful and angry. No one understood. The world and everyone in it was against me. I wanted to die.

I wanted to die.

It was when my son confronted me on my drug use that I could no longer deny the truth. I saw the pain in his eyes. He saw the promise Ketamine was giving me and what my addiction was costing me and my family. He stood up to me. He was so incredibly brave. It must have been one of the most difficult positions I have ever put him in. He could see hope dissolving; a lot more than I was willing to admit to myself at the time. It was his words and love that lead to my seeking treatment. It was the strength of my family that I finally conceded. I admitted I needed professional help and a safe place to detox and reaffirm my commitment to my recovery.

That was almost eight months ago now.

The reason I am sharing all this history with you is in order to potentially help someone else out there fighting for their sanity as I was.

While I was in treatment, and for an additional month after I returned home, I went without Ketamine treatments. It was not easy. I believe with all my heart it was what I needed to do. I needed to learn just how capable I was at coping. I needed to rediscover all the tools I have had at my disposal but for whatever reason would not use. In treatment I started using them and discovered a strength I did not know I had. I learned that I can tolerate much more than I ever gave myself credit for.

When I was finally forced, due to a minor depressive episode, to return to my Ketamine therapy I was a little disappointed. I had honestly hoped that I would be able to go without the aid of Ketamine in my life.

However, before addiction, I had mental illness issues. I couldn’t escape that fact. It was because of my depression and anxiety that in the past I sought out alcohol and then more recently weed to self medicate; neither were ever the solution. I can’t control the reality of my brain chemistry.

I have depression and anxiety. I am not depression. I am not anxiety. It is an illness. It is not a personality trait or something I can control. That was a difficult thing for me to accept. I still struggle with lacking control over it and the return of the symptoms.

Acceptance is a tough one for me.

I have learned numerous lessons in the past six months. I am back on track. I am actually leaps ahead of the game. I am feeling confident in my ability to maneuver through the obstacles in my life. I have a strong support network. I continue to practice what I have learned during treatment. I have a list of things I do to keep myself in recovery. I do them all daily.

As a side note, I will briefly mention, as I feel it has helped me dearly in my recovery, is the fact I am now meditating. I absolutely recommend meditation. I practice meditation every morning and evening. I feel it has been a huge benefit for me and will continue to help me with my anxieties and allow me to grow towards living a content and full life.

There are several types of meditation.

In the morning, I practice passage meditation. I sit for 25 minutes repeating a meaningful passage, that speaks to me, over and over again. There are so many inspiring and spiritual writings to select from too. If my mind wonders I gently and kindly bring myself back to the start of the prayer and begin again. I started this practice in treatment and would do it a couple times a day for two minutes each session. It was all I was able to do at the time. I slowly built up to twenty five minutes with my goal being thirty minutes.

In the evenings, I use relaxation music; such as Weightless by Marconi Union. It helps me unwind from my day and prepare me for sleep.

I will also add here that, of course, this is only two methods of meditation available but they work splendidly for me. I strongly suggest researching meditation for the various ways to go about it until you find one that works for you.

I am sure I will write more, in the future, about the lessons from my time in the recovery program and strategies for dealing with stressors, but let me turn back to Ketamine for now.

It was following a depressive episode, about nine weeks after I stopped using cannabis to self treat my anxieties, that I started getting regular Ketamine injections again. I may have had false beliefs about my ability to keep the depression in the past, but my doctor reassured me that I didn’t cause the symptoms to return. It is biochemical and I still have no control over my brain chemistry. I have an illness that needs to be treated.

I am working diligently on my acceptance issues.

I can typically go 14-17 days between maintenance shots once again. I am gaining back my life. I work on my coping skills and what strategies work for me. It is not always easy, but I am slowly gaining a deeper understanding of my thoughts and feelings. I know that feelings are not facts, and thoughts are definitely bullshit. I am not my thoughts or feelings. They are present to assist me in deciphering the world around me. I see thoughts as invitations to accept or decline.

I am a work in progress and I always will be.

I am not as angry as I once was. I don’t allow myself to participate in self loathing and try to minimize my self destructive tendencies. It is a daily assignment. I am willing to do the work now. Ketamine takes care of the depression and it is my job to live my life.

I ask myself a lot more questions when intrusive thoughts try to rob me of my serenity. If I stumble, and I do, I don’t instantly believe everything I think.

My favorite self care questions to ask myself are:

How is this serving me?

How is this helpful to my well being?

Is it kind?

Is it truthful?

What is more true?

I am becoming more skilled at slowing down my thoughts. I am becoming less impulsive. I take the time to pause and evaluate. It is absolutely necessary, as it is my goal to be less reactive. I practice letting go of my unrealistic expectations of myself and others.

We are all just human after all.

I would be lying if I didn’t say I still fight the desire to be superhuman. I want to save the world and everyone in it; including me.

I invest much of my time in being present; living in the NOW.

When the anxieties resurface I can usually quickly determine that I am either thinking of the past or looking too far forward; both of which I have no control over and can not predict.

Ketamine offers me time away from my disease. I have been able to be symptom free from my depression during the time between my booster shots. It is truly a blessing. I am on one medication and one alone, and the results have been remarkable.

I am actually living a fuller life than I ever thought possible. It still baffles me that had I invested in confronting past issues, not related to my chronic depression, I wouldn’t have lost myself. I can’t undo the past. I obviously needed to go through the recent turmoil in order to appreciate where I am at now.

I have been told we are exactly where we are supposed to be at any given moment.

Life is a jigsaw puzzles with no picture to go by and probably with several pieces missing too.

I know that when I get Ketamine therapy it helps me discover connections in my thinking and behaviors. It allows me to dig deep into my unconscious and find hope. It is tremendously beneficial in realizing the positive actions I am taking and how much more capable I am at tolerating my depression, as well as, handling the uncertainties and frustrations that living in the present bestows on me.

Until next time, I hope these musings give you a few insights and that you find yourself asking more questions.

If you are a healthcare provider, and would like to become a provider of Ketamine Therapy, consider enrolling in The Ketamine Academy’s online Ketamine Infusion Therapy training course to learn how. It would be an excellent decision for you, extremely helpful for others, and possibly save lives. The Ketamine Academy’s online program will surely benefit you and the mental health community.

In conclusion, If you know of anyone suffering with treatment resistant depression, like I do, let them know that Ketamine therapy may be an option worth looking into. It continues to offer me relief from my depressive symptoms.

I have been generating a Ketamine Providers and Locations list, and I update it regularly. Please visit my personal website for the full provider list. This list may help you find a clinic in your city or state. I update the provider list regularly. I highly recommend individuals contact me if you administer Ketamine or if you are aware of a Ketamine provider not in my directory; I will happily add new Ketamine clinics.

Feel free to visit The Ketamine Academy to enroll in your dream today. If you are fascinated, but not yet ready to commit, I suggest the free trial to help you determine whether you want to invest in yourself and in this is new online Ketamine Infusion Training Course. Just think, if you enrolled in The Ketamine Academy your new clinic could easily be added to my directory for the grand opening!

Ketamine offers hope. Becoming a Ketamine provider allows you to administer this hope to people like me.

Originally posted on Ketamine Academy website.

November 11 2018

The Ketamine Academy: Introducing Our New Ketamine Blog & Writer

susangayhart Blog antidepressants, anxiety, anxiety disorders, breathing, CBT, centering, clinical depression, death, depressed, depression, depression signals, effects without ketamine, emotions, grief, grounding, help, hope, hospitalizations, insight, ketamine, Ketamine Academy, ketamine day, ketamine effects, ketamine infusions, ketamine shots, Major Depressive Disorder, meditation, mental health, mindful, mindfulness, mindfulness based cognitive therapy, myketaminestory, observing, OCD, panic attacks, recovery, self aware, suicidal depression, suicide, suicide prevention, suidical depression, treatment resistant depression, treatments, wellness

Hello and welcome. My name is Susan. I am a huge advocate of Ketamine therapy for Treatment Resistant Depression. I write about my experiences with Ketamine treatments on my website, MyKetamineStory.com. I have also written for several Ketamine Clinics in the past. I am excited about being asked to now write for The Ketamine Academy website. It my desire that with my writings I can help those interested in knowing more about how Ketamine can help Treatment Resistant Depression, and other disorders, either for themselves, a loved one, or now even for their patients.

I will be discussing my experiences with Ketamine and how it has aided me in healing from decades of suffering with chronic depression, anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder.

Ketamine, for those that are unaware, is a drug now being used for treating chronic depression and trauma when traditional methods have failed. It is often a rapid acting antidepressant having a positive effect on those with long term depression. I will say that this is just a simplistic and a very brief description of a drug that has been around since the early 1960’s. I do not claim to be a scientist or doctor.

I am a patient and advocate of Ketamine for treating depression.

Ketamine can be administered by infusions and intramuscular (IM) shots. I have experienced extremely positive results with both delivery methods. I have also used intranasal Ketamine to help during times, in the past, when I was unable to make it to my doctor’s office for a long period of time, for whatever reason. I will note here that nasal Ketamine is not my recommended route of delivery, but I mention it because it is still a viable option for those not living close to a Ketamine provider and have a doctor willing to prescribe it.

Our society is now in a massive need of more educated providers to administer Ketamine therapy. It is because of my success with Ketamine that I find it very important to educate both the general public as well as physicians and nurse practitioners on the use of Ketamine for treatment resistant depression.

I was diagnosed with clinical depression and generalized anxiety disorder at the age of 18. I spent nearly 30 years searching for a treatment to pull me from the depths of suicidal depression, intense and unthinkable anxiety, daily panic attacks, obsessive compulsive thoughts and behaviors, insomnia and agoraphobia without success – but with plenty of horror stories.

My inner light was completely out. This was back in the beginning of 2015. My hope and my expectations that my life would improve didn’t exist. After many attempts, in the past, I tried ending my life for the last time. I was quite certain I would be successful this time around but apparently it was not my time. It was while I was barely hanging onto life that my husband and therapist discovered a small article written on Ketamine. Ketamine was being used to treat those suffering with a long history with major depressive disorders. Ketamine was having amazing results for those, like me, that have tried everything to no avail.

It was when I finally awoke, angry and desperate for it all to end, that I was told about Ketamine. I had no faith that yet another medication could turn my life around and assist me in fighting back. I only wanted death. I wanted to be at the finish line, but that would not be my story. Ketamine would thoroughly change my life. These writings are my beginning.

I live in Virginia. I have a passion for writing and photography. I also love sewing and crafting. I basically love the arts. I am at my best when I am creating. I am married and have one child. My husband and son are my major support system; without Geoffrey and Matthew my life would be completely empty. It has been through recovery that I have discovered a larger network, and strength.

I enjoy and thrive on learning new things. It makes me feel I have a purpose in life when I am helping others. My intention with this blog is to reach out to others with clinical depression and turn on a light of hope.

I want desperately to inform clinics and practitioners of the hope that Ketamine can offer those with little to no options available to them. Ketamine is my life preserver and it may possibly be yours.

I am writing from my own experiences; my journey through hell and back. I get Ketamine treatments every two weeks and have been for over three and a half years now. It has thoroughly changed my life. I have had numerous people reach out to me, to share their stories, to get encouragement, to find providers, and to gain understanding of the nature of Ketamine and how it works for me.

Those of us that struggle daily with major depression have all dealt with plenty of doctors, hospitals, and treatments that have failed to make an impact on our lives. The side effects from traditional medications alone could be a sci-fi novel no one would want to willingly read and that the big pharmaceutical companies would ultimately want to ban. Living with chronic depression has been torturous for me and others like me. Ketamine offers hope.

I began writing and advocating Ketamine for Depression in January 2017. You may question why I waited so long to start discussing my praise of Ketamine. I know I would wonder that, if I found a blog hyping up a new therapy for depression. In fact, back in 2015, my husband had a lot of convincing to do to get me to believe in Ketamine enough to try it. I have tried numerous treatments, practically every nightmare medication cocktail imaginable, been hospitalized more than I care to admit, I even tried 12 sessions of Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) all with the desire of trying to break free from the suicidal depression I felt. I didn’t want to put my faith into yet another costly treatment only to discover I would never see past the intense suicidal thoughts I had running non-stop in my head. To be completely honest, I was in a very dark place and even with the help of Ketamine treatments, it has been a long journey to the surface. I was profoundly depressed for decades.

I am sure anyone that is depressed, and even those fortunate enough not to have a mental illness, can understand that healing takes time. It also involves immense personal growth and even more cognitive work because of default systems that are put in place in order to survive. Ketamine allows me the clarity to do all the behavior modifications I struggled with in the past. I have accumulated many tools over the years for battling this deadly illness but found the tools failed me time and time again because the depression engulfed me. It paralyzed me. Progress was painfully slow, but now I can observe myself and the way I process information. I genuinely know when the depression filters are switched back on. Ketamine gives me a solid 12-14 days of relief before I sense myself sliding and in need of another treatment. This method of treatment is phenomenal to me. I mean, it is crazy that one drug given every two weeks without side effects is easing my hateful depression. I believe anyone walking in my shoes would want to shout to the world about it. I needed to be emotionally strong in my recovery before I could do that..

In January of 2017, I felt ready to open up and speak. I struggle. People ask tough questions. People make hurtful comments. I won’t back down. I may pull back to lick my wounds and process, but I will not stop educating. I believe now that sometimes people speak out because of ignorance. I also know and can frankly state that I have met some incredible people over the past year and a half or more. I am thankful. I am sharing my story and remarkably, my words have inspired. I started my website and have been advocating any way that I can find in hopes of finding those people still suffering who are at a loss for options.

I genuinely aspire to educate those with the ability to administer Ketamine to reach out, to take the training course offered by the Ketamine Academy and start helping those of us with this debilitating and unforgiving illness find ourselves again. I have already had many physicians and practitioners reach out to me with questions, praise, offering encouragement and wishes for continued success. All of which reinforce my commitment to write on the subject as well as my continued recovery.

I feel it is extremely important to educate our society on the use of Ketamine for depression. This new treatment for depression needs a voice. I want to be one of those voices shouting the loudest about Ketamine Infusions, Ketamine Clinics, Ketamine Centers, Intramuscular Ketamine shots, and how spectacular this “old” drug is at combatting treatment resistant depression.

Lately, new evidence is being released documenting how Ketamine Infusions are helping battle PTSD symptoms. The history and discovery of how Ketamine works and helps those plagued with depressive symptoms is just remarkable. I am proof that Ketamine is playing a massive role in allowing me to live symptom free; even if it means I have to return every two weeks to get a booster shot. I am living.

The way I see it is, the more people discussing Ketamine online the better. There are still so many, many individuals that haven’t heard of Ketamine and if they have, it is probably the club or street version and not as the Ketamine administered by a qualified professional to treat depression. Education is needed. I want desperately to help others who are suffering. I attempt to do this through my musings.

I hope you will join me in learning more about Ketamine by reading my blog posts and sharing with friends and family. I will be posting regularly on The Ketamine Academy website, as well as, on my personal website at MyKetamineStory.com. I know what a miraculous drug Ketamine is. I am absolutely confident that I have lived 3.5 plus years (and counting) longer than I would have if my husband had never discovered an article in 2015, about using Ketamine for treatment resistant depression. I continue to heal and grow with the help of Ketamine.

Ketamine is hope.

My first blog, Ketamine: Addressing Questions & Concerns focused on my early experience with Ketamine Infusions.

I hope these personal blogs from a patient that suffered for over four decades with treatment resistant depression will be helpful in convincing you why Ketamine could help you or someone you love.

Originally posted on Ketamine Acamedy website.

March 21 2018

Healing From Treatment Resistant Depression: Utilizing Ketamine Treatments, Breathing Techniques, And Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapies

susangayhart Blog antidepressants, anxiety, anxiety disorders, breathing, CBT, centering, clinical depression, death, depressed, depression, depression signals, effects without ketamine, emotions, grief, grounding, help, hope, hospitalizations, injection and infusion clinic of ABQ, insight, ketamine, Ketamine Academy, ketamine day, ketamine effects, ketamine infusions, ketamine shots, Major Depressive Disorder, meditation, mental health, mindful, mindfulness, mindfulness based cognitive therapy, myketaminestory, observing, OCD, panic attacks, recovery, self aware, suicidal depression, suicide, suicide prevention, suidical depression, treatment resistant depression, treatments, wellness

Hello and welcome. It is Susan from myketaminestory.com.

I write for The Injection & Infusion Clinic of ABQ, entirely based on my experience with Ketamine therapy over the past 3 years.

I have a long history with treatment resistant depression and anxiety disorders. My mental health has been my primary focus; oftentimes without my permission. I wanted normalcy. I craved it. I believe I always will.

I sometimes feel heavy hearted when I reflect on the numerous failed medication cocktails I tried. The months wasted. The horrendous side effects I then had to recover and heal from, not to be outweighed by the withdrawal symptoms these mixtures often produced. To remember the desperation I felt when I went against family and agreed to ECT treatments. The months spent inside frozen walls. I was locked up for safety in multiple psych wards. I would lose years fighting my way to the surface. I would glimpse the light and warmth of the sun only to be torn and unwillingly dragged back to the underworld.

I have painfully expressed myself over the years. I have dissected my life with my toolbox of tricks. I utilized skills I learned through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Talk Therapy, Art Therapy and journaling, just to name a few, and yet I would repeatedly find myself being a prime candidate for hospitalization.

I admit I understand how all of these treatments could potentially help, but they just never did for me.

I was laying in limbo back in January of 2015. My body was fighting to keep me alive while my mind dove straight for freedom. I had given up completely.

I have stated many times before that my husband and son never gave up their search for a way to lift me up and breathe life back into my corpse-like existence.

I am alive today because of a drug that is raising many questions and concerns from the professional world.

It has now been three years, as of March 2, 2018, since I was introduced to Ketamine for depression and received my first Ketamine Infusion, and I am driven to explore and educate myself and others on just how remarkable Ketamine is for me, with the hopes of reaching down into the dungeons to pull others into the light and offer them hope.

Ketamine.

When I first began Ketamine therapy to treat my depression I was also introduced to centering. A valuable tool that has assisted me through many difficult times over the past several years.

I remember the day, as if I were sitting in my doctors office right this second. It was my very first appointment with my current Ketamine provider. My anxiety was parylizing. I couldn’t speak. It was then that he stared straight into my soul, or that is how it felt at the time, to me, and he asked me to locate my center. I had some prior knowledge on meditation and the benefits. I have attempted, very poorly, to sit with myself. I understood what he was asking of me. However, I still felt like such a preschooler.

You can usually find your center by placing two fingers below your belly button. Focus inward.

I was guided to this location because my anxiety blocked my ability to relax and focus. When I was at my center I found it locked. Sealed tight. A massive tight rubberband of a ball sitting in front of my access point. It felt impossible to take a full breath. I can reflect back to the beginning of my practice and smile.

I know. The only way out is through. I did the tough work multiple times daily. When I am in, and I know what I want, I set goals. I am 100% determined to make every effort to get to the other side.

Hope.

I often feel I am not making progress in my recovery. When I allow myself the luxury of a slight pat on the back I can see growth. I am in the process. I am gaining ground. I can see.

Awareness.

Once you have your eyes wide open you can no longer fool yourself. The old messages and toxic behaviors slowly change. It is practically impossible, from my experience, to stop knowing truth even before you are capable of making the changes necessary to grow and heal. I can not undo knowing.

Awareness leads to change and I can not lie, it is painful. I have been told by numerous people in my life over the years that the first step is being aware.

The truth is before me.

I must now select a story in which I know the ending or the one I can write for myself, if I choose, to push through the anger and hurts and accept my condition.

I have decided to learn how to sit with the feelings, the unbearable anxiety. I am pretty sure it will be awful in the beginning, middle, and end, but I will survive.

In the early stages of my centering practice I had to stand in front of a mirror. It was like I couldn’t connect with my body unless I could physically witness my reflection. I think over the years suffering with treatment resistant depression, I became so enmeshed with the belief that I was my depression; every fiber of my being was tainted with fear and the neverending echo of death. Just one gaint ball of elastic. I needed to see where the sensations were originating while also practicing the art of centering.

The mirror helped me reconnect mind and body. I would stand before my image staring at a scared little girl. I would wash her away with tears. Hands above my belly button.

Focus.

Searching.

Reaching.

And breathe.

Just breathe, Susan!

Slow and deep.

I would do this exercise multiple times a day.

I needed that mirror to show me I was attached. I was complete.

I practiced.

It eventually became easier for me to find my center without a mirror and it progressed to where I no longer needed to place my hands on my core. I could easily mentally swim to that solid blockage.

Just an ugly tumor.

Uncomfortable.

I stayed with it.

It has taken literally years to reach a vacant space where my horrors once lived huddled together resisting. I no longer need a mirror. I no longer see that thick ball of rainbow colored rubberbands I saw on my first visit with my Ketamine doctor. It is an empty endless tunnel that I routinely find myself diving into during my Ketamine treatment.

Straight to the center of the universe.

The reason I find this method, centering, so helpful is because of its ability to ground me. It helps bring me back to the present moment. It pulls me away from the thoughts, the panic, the past, and the future. It drives me to that safe empty parking lot. Concrete beneath my feet. Solid. In the now. In touch with me. Breathing in calm.

Breathing.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Look around.

I have a grounding game I found on the Internet long ago. I look around with my five senses. It is another anxiety reducer I keep in my coping toolbox. It is really all about bringing me back to my surrounding and what is happening now.

I get overwhelmed very easily. The grounding game and the centering technique aid me regularly. The most important element to these tools, for me, is breathing. I have told doctor after doctor that I couldn’t breathe. It wasn’t anything physical. I was just a ball of nerves. I know I have a bad habit of holding my breath. Waiting…. Just waiting for that shoe…. to drop.

The depression would be so heavy my body curled in on itself. I tell those that will listen that I feel like the letter C. My head is dead weight. I can’t possibly hold it up. I am intimate with the ground, yet I failed to feel it under my feet.

The mirror served to help me get in touch with my body language. It helped train me to stand tall with shoulders back, just like Superman. It is amazing how much more freely I can breathe. Another gift Ketamine has given to me. I began to connect thoughts to body expression. Depression is powerful. It claims all of you!

Being mindful, even for brief periods of time, slowly it allowed me to evolve. Mindfulness based Cognitive Therapy techniques have given me the ability to help otpimize the Ketamine.

I have discovered that not only was the depression lying to me, I learned I am an expert at lying to myself as well. I am aware now. Ketamine gives me terrific vision. I literally feel as though the world is on autofocus and super sharp. I no longer have to keep adjusting. It’s Automatic.

Nice.

Advantage Ketamine.

Dr. Levine, my original Ketamine Infusion provider, once warned me to be careful what I wished for when I stated through tears that I want to feel like others do; the “normals”. I wanted that. Badly. Basically, I had no idea what Dr. Levine was talking about. I am fully in the know now with positives and negatives to report.

I was unprepared for all the new emotions. I was taken off balance with unexplainable, yet real emotions. My world had been one expression. One theme. One desire. Death. Ketamine switches on emotions, and I have frequently found myself overwhelmed or confused.

I have spent my life talking about my feelings. The realization Ketamine offers me is blantly obvious. Treatment Resistant Depression robs you of all other emotions. Your conversations are not about the vast difference between having a rough day filled with disappointments and a series of months or years where the only topic on your mind is ending the suffering. One emotion. One and only one. That dark place steals your light. What is worse, it rips away your ability to discover and experience everything and anything besides that constant sensation that you are drowning, with sandbags attached to every limb. Holding you down. It is not unrealistic to understand how you might dream of death. It never occured to me that once I was rescued from the murky waters I might be blinded by the contrast. You might think I would be aware that I might need sunglasses and suntan lotion with an outrageously high SPF spectrum to protect my fragile state. I did not. I had no expectations of feeling remotely different after my six infusions. I would learn the painful way. It seems to be my MO. I am not unique.

I am, however, only a first grader in this new language of emotions.

I appreciate them all.

I fight against them without meaning to.

Ketamine helps me experience life instead of watching it happen to others like a Hollywood movie. I have been casted. The movie is LIFE. I think the trailer glorifies a fantasy few can obtain. It highlights the brillant array of colors. It mentions nothing about your ability to cope with the success.

I am still learning.

I do find myself eating foods that are high in sugar or engaging in old unhealthy behaviors to manage the shocking shift into the sunshine, positive outlooks, and the desire to improve and the dreams for death linger in the background waiting for weakness. It is a familar feeling. The devil calling my name. I also know how that world operates. This new depression-free universe is massive and frightening even for someone like me who is excited to be here. I am thrilled. I am terrified. Changes are happening.

What the hell does that mean for me? I can’t imagine. I am afraid. I am willing. I resist. I crawl forward.

A world where I no longer avoid or mindlessly react.

I have experienced my time here on earth through a devastatingly judgemental, self-critical, unforgiving eye.

I am absolutely confident that the moment I surrender and let change occur I will heal in record speed.

I am there. It took me three years to get here. I stumbled. I trip over my own feet. I have had a few relapses. I kick myself and speak in a critical tone.

I told my husband recently that the Ketamine has kept the Circus from playing and pulling my attention away from this present moment. Ketamine has also fondly introduced a throng of Cheerleaders inside my head. They are my voices of reason. They are rooting for me to win. The only tragedy is now I am the Circus. I am forming arguments against good.

Why?

Am I afraid to find joy? Am I self sabotaging?

Why?

The unknown, is not yet known.

I am no stranger to the horrors of a world with treatment resistant depression dicating my moves. I know what to expect.

I continue to numb myself. Avoidance.

Afraid of change, but desparetely screaming out for growth and healing.

This past week has been a source of insights. The biggest coming directly from my son, with love. Thank you Matthew!

I am heading in the right direction. I just needed a loving finger to point me where I have been dying to go, but have been too petrified to make my feet move more than an inch or two towards a brighter future.

I just took a leap.

I reached out. I asked for more support. It broke my heart. I should probably investigate why I see this as a failure and not the splendid success that it really is. I wanted so badly to conquer this illness my way. I have come to realize that my way may not always get to my destination.

It is okay to ask for help.

I can’t make these drastic changes alone.

I will go through this. I will survive. There will be numerous occasions, I am sure, when I will question my decision to seek more assistance from professionals trained to help.

I want back my life. I want all of it. I will have to fight for it. This time I have Ketamine in my corner. It helps me process with clarity. A gift. It keeps me wanting more.

I am days away from taking a new road. I am about to vomit with nerves.

I am now about to begin the process of eliminating “coping strategies” that I once convinced myself were helping and had “proof” to argue my logic too. I was the fool. I was only kidding myself to avoid feeling.

Say what?

Yes, that is correct. You did not misread that sentence.

These new feelings are mega intense. Truly. I feel uncomfortable. I want to dodge the pain. I want to numb the pain. I want to escape. I want a break. I want down time. I want time to stop so I can catch up. I want to heal, but only if…..

That is not how it works unfortunately.

I am going on a month long hiatus in order to seek treatment from those indivduals trained to help in recovery. I will be writing old school; paper and pen. I am both looking forward to the wellness retreat and longing for it to be the final day. That will be a sight. Susan discarding old baggage. Susan with new luggage packing up and taking the tools she will obtain back home with joy and direction in her heart.

I am hopeful.

I will have Ketamine.

No tricks.

It will be extremely exciting and the most challeging thing I have ever willingly signed myself up for. This time it is for ME.

For me.

ME.

In the past I have been known to receive help for the sake of my family. I stayed for Geoff and Matthew. I fought for them. I wanted death. I fought for my life, but not because I saw anything worth living for.

This decision to seek added professional support is all me; for me.

It is because of the Ketamine, the breathing, and the mindfulness therapies that have allowed me to get here. I am ready to open the lock. There is nothing blocking my way to the absolute center.

Just think of me as though I am going bowling. I will play with the kiddy bumpers up, but I will be playing. One day soon you will probably discover I have joined a league. I hope so. A girl can dream.

This girl is imagining a life with open arms welcoming joy.

Ketamine continues to work its magic.

It is now time for me to be a more willing participant.

I can no longer pretend.

The Ketamine is doing its job. It is time for me to seriously move towards healing and stop expecting the Ketamine to do it all for me.

I am ready.

Thank you Ketamine. I am hopeful that if we work together, I will find the peace I crave.

Ketamine is hope for Treatment Resistant Depression.

My first blog, Ketamine: Addressing Questions & Concerns focused on my early experience with Ketamine Infusions.

I hope these personal blogs from a patient that suffered for over four decades with treatment resistant depression will be helpful in convincing you why Ketamine could help you or someone you love.

Also, if you would like to become a provider of Ketamine Therapy try enrolling in The Ketamine Academy‘s online Ketamine Infusion Therapy training course; it would be an excellent decision and could be extremely helpful for others like me. The Ketamine Academy online program will surely benefit you and the mental health community.

In conclusion, If you know of anyone suffering with treatment resistant depression, like I do, let them know that Ketamine therapy may be an option worth looking into. It has been and continues to offer me relief from my symptoms.

If you, or someone you know, are considering Ketamine infusion therapy, please visit Jason Duprat’s Ketamine clinic at www.infusionclinicabq.com for low cost Ketamine Infusion and injection options.

If you are not in the Albuquerque, New Mexico area I would also like to suggest that you, or a trusted person in your life, approach a local professional and start educating them on the benefits of Ketamine. Again, it doesn’t hurt to ask for what you need.

There is definitely more education available for you to make a case for yourself and your mental health.

I have been generating a Ketamine Providers and Locations list and I update it regularly. The provider list can be found here. Please visit my personal website for the full provider list. This list may help you find a clinic in your city or state. I update the provider list regularly. I highly recommend individuals contact me if you administer Ketamine or if you are aware of a Ketamine provider not in my directory; I will happily add new Ketamine clinics.

Originally posted on The injection & Infusion Clinic of ABQ

May 5 2017

i can see the sun but still a prisoner i feel

susangayhart Blog antidepressants, clinical depression, effects without ketamine, insight, ketamine, ketamine day, ketamine infusions, ketamine shots, Major Depressive Disorder, myketaminestory, observing, suicidal depression, suidical depression, treatment resistant depression, treatments

Hello again. It has been a very long while. This past Wednesday was Ketamine day for me, and I feel the need to express myself at last. I have been away for several reasons. I could jot down all of the excuses and make them believable to some, and lies to many more, but I stayed away for one reason. ME. It was selfish. Maybe.

I know that when you share in an open forum you risk misunderstandings and negativity. I honestly thought I was emotionally strong enough to withstand the scrutiny and ignorance. I naively believed that my words and story would shout louder than the skeptics. The fundamental problem is the lack of information available to support my personal experiences. I have lived with treatment resistant depression and anxiety for decades. I have been so far into the darkness that I forgot what the sun looked like. I was told repeatedly that I had a candle burning to light my way back to the surface. I constantly denied this spark existed. I could not locate it, no matter how hard I clawed and crawled my way around the darkness of depression.

In January of 2015, I took it upon myself to extinguish the smoldering fire. I have tried many times to end my suffering. The last time I was not afraid. I was so completely raw and broken. I had doctors reeling to find a solution. A few of my doctors have wanted to find a possible way to pull me into the sun but to no avail. I have undergone countless procedures and taken countless medications, with only horrific side effects and more health concerns as a result, along with my constant desire to take myself out of this bloody nightmare filled with a harmful package of lies. That is what depression is to me now: a sad, torn, and beaten package of destructive lies. Ketamine gifted me with the ability to recognize the difference between truth and fiction.

It was during my time in limbo that my husband found an article on Ketamine and its new uses with treatment resistant depression. I barely survived the time it took to get the money saved for the experimental treatment. I had no hope. That is what darkness will do, it will kill hope. However, Ketamine therapy pulled me up and into the sun. I assist the Ketamine by constantly working to make mental connections between my behavior and thoughts and the way I interpret the world around me now. I can see the sun but still I am a prisoner of depression. I know that if I was not getting Ketamine treatments the darkness could easily engulf me. While that may be true, I also realized one amazing belief… I am the sunshine. I fight daily to shine and reflect. I want to be so bright that I can help lead the way out of darkness for others just like me. Ketamine may be a solution. It was my solution.

Please understand: Ketamine is a drug to help. It is not a cure. You will not get six infusions and lead a symptom free life. Ketamine will probably replace your current medications and therapies, or some of them. While this may seem discouraging, I know it is not. I get IM Ketamine once every two weeks! One drug. No lasting side effects. (I have been known to get sick during the brief time the Ketamine is in my system, or feel “hungover” for the remainder of the day.)

I am engaging in life. I know I see the sun and yet still have bars all around me, but each day I destroy another brick, and more iron and steel. I have faith that the prison I find myself in is temporary. I feel the warmth of the sun, and it dries my tears and makes me sweat out toxic thoughts and habits. Ketamine has given me clarity. I am not in a haze. I know this feeling will last for a solid week or more. The time between appointments and how well the Ketamine works and last is frustratingly unpredictable. What I am saying is, I have gone 12 days feeling amazing. I have also gone only four days after a session of Ketamine. It is important to be aware and to question. This drug is so new for treating depression. There is not enough evidence to state too many facts about Ketamine and if it does or doesn’t work. There are more and more of us proving that it does. I have had success with Ketamine in IV, Intramuscular, and nasal forms. I personally receive IM Ketamine every two weeks, and as I stated, I have been for over two years now. I find that if I am stressed or exhausted it is harder for the Ketamine to last as long. During situational stress, sadness, and grief the feeling that Ketamine is assisting in any way feels limited. The mind is powerful. And so are habits.

I spent decades battling this disease. I have often failed miserably in my attempts to save myself from the demons living in my mind. I would keep trying. Trying until I could no longer. A vicious cycle. I have a tool box full of coping strategies. I am proud to say I am capable of benefiting from using these tools now. I see progress. It takes time. Unfortunately, it also takes a great deal of money. One day, I hope this will not be the case. It is very difficult advocating for a drug I know costs so little yet the industry is making a fortune off of. My only suggestion is to approach local doctors with the hopes of educating them. Try inspiring them to want to get involved in your success and in this massive shift in pharmacological treatments of mood disorders. I can attest to how marvelous Ketamine has been for me. It will continue to aid me in my recovery. I trust Ketamine.

I can’t express enough how much I am enjoying the sunshine. These bars around me are an illusion. I will break free. One by one. I know these walls and materials have their weaknesses too. I will find them and obliterate each one. I know with time and the help of Ketamine I will redefine my default setting. I already am. It is frustrating and time consuming. I want to be whole. I want to no longer identify with being broken. This takes time. I keep reminding myself.

I have found over the last month that innocent questions about my recovery forced me into doubt and negativity. I spoke to my doctor about my concerns and what I was hoping to accomplish by blogging about Ketamine and depression. I had to pull back to get strong and recalculate my goal. I know I have an issue with wanting to be super human and save all of us tortured souls. I want to shout about Ketamine.

People are curious but so uneducated. I have a history of success with Ketamine, yet there are some wanting only to mention the street and club version of the drug they have tried or read about. The clinical trials have been with IV Ketamine and not Intramuscular (IM) Ketamine shots, so it absolutely annoys me when I read that “IV Ketamine is the only safe, effective method”. This is undeniably a disservice for those that can’t afford infusions but could surely benefit from other Ketamine delivery methods.

I say, approach your psychiatrist, family doctor, or another close physician you feel comfortable confiding in and investigate the possibility that they would be willing to administer Ketamine shots, or even prescribe nasal Ketamine. It is worth it.

I know I can see and feel the sun after decades of life being pitch black and cold. I know I may still feel a prisoner of depression when the Ketamine starts to lose its grip and the depression filters get switched back on. When breathing is all I want to do but can’t. I sense when I am sliding. I get uncomfortable. I get resentful. I still have much work to do to break enough space between a couple of bars to crawl through. The fantastic thing is, I know where to dig. And, I am getting better at using all the tools around me to get the job done. I may be a prisoner, but in no way am I trapped here. I have Ketamine.

March 1 2017

spinning when i want to stand still

susangayhart Blog anxiety, clinical depression, death, depression, depression signals, effects without ketamine, emotions, grief, help, hope, ketamine, ketamine day, ketamine effects, ketamine infusions, ketamine shots, Major Depressive Disorder, mental health, myketaminestory, nasal ketamine, observing, panic attacks, symptoms, treatment resistant depression

Hello again. This is Susan from myketaminestory.com. I noticed that I haven’t been capable of writing lately. I am not taking time to journal. I feel like I am spinning when all I really want is to stop and just stand still. I want to take in the moment. I want to breathe in life. I feel stressed. I am miserable. I am aware. I have questions. I always have questions. I have more questions than I have people to ask them. And recently I have been posting poetry that I have written in the past as a way to keep my website updated when I need to attend to my mental health. I just keep spinning. I get sick. I think most would. I had my Ketamine shot Monday night. It was intense. I have cried during my infusions and a couple times when I received my shots but most of the time crying is the last thing I want to do. I usually feel substantially better within 10 or 15 minutes after my shot. This last treatment, I cried a lot. At the time I thought I understood why all the tears. I even accepted my inability to will them to stop. I needed to purge. I have been carrying a lot of baggage and it was unbearably heavy. I figured it was time to unload. It was killing me. You know, that’s what my first impression was of my last Ketamine session. Now that I have had time to process my session I realize something even more profound.

During my session I kept saying I want to heal me. I want to heal me. I repeated this statement over and over as my voice grew. I want to heal me. I NEED to heal me. It felt great shouting it. I am staring at the ceiling and it appears to be a window. Many windows. I am tracing the frames with my eyes. I switched to whispering I want to save me. I want to save me. I want to save me. All the while bawling my eyes out. I NEED to save me! I felt as the session was coming to an end that I had vomited up so much garbage that I should feel amazing. I did not. I didn’t feel anything but anger. I have so much anger. I am so afraid of it. I unloaded for over an hour. My doctor had to reschedule a meeting he wanted to attend because I was pouring and dumping all my trash in his lap making it impossible for him to get up and abandon me. I am not proud of this. I dislike feeling needy. I didn’t want to hold on to all that contamination any longer. I need new luggage. And I promise I will get a genuine, true to self, set too. In the meantime, I have to work with the damaged bags I have acquired over time.

The fact that I kept digging deeper and felt completely empty didn’t stop the tears and I continued to whine to my doctor. I didn’t want to leave his office until I was happy. I refused a few times to set an appointment. I couldn’t go. I needed to resolve what felt broken. I realize now, a day and a half later, what I believe is the root of my latest turmoil. I felt I had emptied myself and I was standing in front of my ego. My ego is shoving back. The door ahead of me is anger. It has always been the root. I mean the core is my debilitating depression and anxiety. Which is out of my control. I have not yet accepted this to be true. I am still trying very hard with all my might to control this illness. I can not. I am pissed.

When I got to the empty space in my mind I was standing in front of a vault of a wall. I look up at my doctor and say, okay I think I am at the bottom now. I have purged it all. All but the anger that is. I know that discovering this felt positive and genuine. I felt strong. I wanted to feel uplifted. I want to shed no more tears; ever. I know it doesn’t work that way. I know crying is healthy and can feel really good. BUT… I am afraid tears mean or equate to treatment resistant depression and suicidal thoughts.

Once I was able to leave my doctor’s office I have been reviewing and analyzing our time together to death. And it hit me last night. I want to save me. I want to heal me. It was the message. I was crying out because I don’t feel like I am being heard. I am crying for those lost. I am crying because the very thing I want most is interfering with my personal recovery. I want to spread the word. Ketamine is Hope. I am driven to help others find their way to Ketamine therapy. I am making progress. People are reaching out to me. Those contacting me are not just those like me but professionals too. I am so excited and thrilled. I am also completely overwhelmed. I want to spread the word; to be an advocate for Ketamine. I don’t want to jeopardize my healing. I want both. I thought the website was perfect for me. I could express myself creatively and educate others on Ketamine. This is a reality. I am thrilled. I want more voices for Ketamine. I want people talking about it. I do.

I now see my last Ketamine experience clearly. I want to save me. I need to heal me. I have always been able to write as a way to process. I recently felt anxious at the thought of writing. What is that about?? I have never. I have felt anxious if I need to write and have no paper or pen. It finally occurred to me that I usually wrote without any audience in mind. I wrote for me. I need to write for me. I enjoy it. It is healing. I never think about why I am writing. I am writing to express myself in a world I often feel an alien in.

Well, I started this website to advocate for Ketamine and thought little of anything else. The problem (and it isn’t really an issue per say) for me is people are being introduced to my website. A few have reached out which is phenomenal. I have been clueless for so long and it feels amazing to discover others using Ketamine therapy with very much the same results. However, I am now aware that people are reading my words. I honestly freaked out. I mean what do I have to say? I no longer knew what to say. What do people want to know? What should I share? What resources should I add? What is useful? What is self indulgent? OCD thinking has made a permanent residence in my mind. I am spinning. Spinning. I mean there are so many ways to approach my website. I have seen a few other Ketamine advocate sites and of course I think mine is crap in comparison and why bother. I have nothing to say of value. And I keep spinning.

It was only after my Ketamine shot on Monday night that I felt myself scream out to get my attention! I was dying to get myself to pay attention to me. I am always saying I never feel heard. Funny. Ironic. I am the one that wasn’t listening. My anxiety and driven personality they want and need me to be 100%, all the time, to all people. I lose myself in others. I would start to write, to blog and erase it. I was writing in a style unfamiliar to me. I figured my way was definitely the wrong method to truly advocate for Ketamine and kept switching it up in my head. I kept spinning. I couldn’t write. Writing is my therapy. It has also been my way to stay sane. My world made up of feelings and language. Perfectly safe. I shared very little of my writing over the years. No more. I opened myself up. I am allowing my words to be seen and read. What if it is not good enough? What if I am not good enough? I am now aware of others with Ketamine websites and they are great. I ask more questions to myself. Do I need to be more like them? Do I? Do I need to change to fit in? And once again… the spinning and anger. I just want to write to keep my head above water. I need to write to make sense out of a world that is complicated and confusing. I need to write to heal. I need to write to save myself.

So, you see my Ketamine session was once again enlightening. I sit here in a pool of anxiety. I will push through it. I can push through the discomfort because I found Ketamine. I feel free. I can write. I am not writing to anyone special but yet I am! I write for all parts of me. I have chosen to share as a way to advocate this miraculous drug therapy for treatment resistant depression. My words may annoy many. There will be haters. I may fail. I may not be 100% perfect. And that doesn’t sit well with me. I want to be the best. I want to save all. I want to have that accomplished by yesterday.

I am spinning. I must stop. I am climbing up that vast staircase that keeps disintegrating beneath my feet. I keep at it. Maybe just maybe? Maybe my style of writing and expressing myself will communicate and comfort. It is possible that my writings may also reach into the depths of a dying soul and give them hope. Hope is something I was looking for when Ketamine entered my life. I want to offer that in return.

The spinning is slowing. I am gaining ground again. I need to listen to my words and pleas too. I have decide to go back to writing to the my voices in my head. I may approach that one unique voice and write with my heart in my fingertips and it will be so powerful. It will awaken the dead. It will allow me to help a person suffering. What I have learned is that person is me. I want to save me. I want to heal me. I am. I write for me. I hope my words speak volumes to you and you gain a little something from my journey. I really do. That will be a remarkable bonus for me. It can not be my objective. My inner child was shouting and I am listening. I am no longer spinning. I am standing still. Just breathing.

February 28 2017

alive

susangayhart Poetry agoraphobia, alone, antidepressants, anxiety, clinical depression, depressed, depression, depression signals, emotions, hospitalizations, lonely, Major Depressive Disorder, mental health, mental illness, myketaminestory, observing, sadness, suicidal depression, suicide, suicide prevention, suidical depression, symptoms, treatment resistant depression

My body is solid, I’m alive or so they say
my mind is in a whirl that keeps spinning round
I put in my favorite tape and press play
I hold the sharp razor to my right wrist

I close my eyes and think only of harmony
the peace I am seeking, imagine serenity
ponder the feeling of being free, out of this misery
I cut deep and close my eyes tighter as I cut deeper

I think of the freedom I am seeking
it races through my mind continuously
I was now concentrating on the razor
I change the cold steel to the other wrist

I take hundreds of pills to ensure my death
as I feel the blood so slick and sticky
oh so much blood, I still have my eyes glued shut
as I feel the blood soaking my clothing I think

It will all be over soon, the blood feels so warm
the heat makes me comfortable within
the best I’ve felt in such a long time
I laugh inside as a smile races across my face

Just then I hear the telephone rings then once again
my eyes open with no intention of answering it
it rings again, I glance down at my wrist
panic arose inside puzzled and so very much alive

I don’t understand, no words to explain
the telephone rings again I pull the line
I should be dying, inside my soul weeps
as I have to face yet another day
SEG

*Most of the poetry posted on my website was written during my teens and twenties. There are a few exceptions but typically I find myself wanting to journal regularly and write poetry if inspired. Poetry has been my therapist during many trying times. I have decided to post these poems because it reflects my history with suicidal depression and the struggles I encountered trying to cope with life and depression.

February 26 2017

can’t walk it off

susangayhart Poetry alone, anxiety, autumn, clinical depression, colors, depressed, depression signals, foliage, fresh air, help, insight, insomnia, longing, Major Depressive Disorder, meditation, mental illness, myketaminestory, observing, panic attacks, running, sadness, self aware, suicidal depression, suicide, suicide prevention, suidical depression, symptoms, walking, winter

Whenever I’m depressed or anxious
I’ll sometimes take a long walk
which allows me to contemplate my life

Walking in the autumn is I find especially nice
looking at all the different colored leaves
but discovering no comfort for winter will soon arrive

I try breathing in the fresh air
attempting to live for the moment
I could walk forever wishing I could quiet my mind

I long to stroll without a care in the world
but as I roam down the street the issues
race through my head obsessively

I don’t possess the ability to turn off my mind
It’s such a dilemma to me, not being aware
how to solve my problems and deal with my past

Yearning desperately that I could merely
walk it off, but realistically I recognize
the depression, my illness will still be there

There are times when I figure a way to cope
a strategy or solution may occur to me
but never can I just walk it off or disappear
SEG

February 21 2017

insightful

susangayhart Poetry anxiety, clinical depression, conversations, depressed, depression signals, ECT, fault, guilt, hate, help, hurt, longing, lost, love, Major Depressive Disorder, mental health, mental illness, observing, panic attacks, remembering, sadness, self aware, side effects, suicidal depression, suicide, suicide prevention, suidical depression, symptoms, treatment resistant depression, treatments

When I first met you, I was extremely ill
but you looked into my blue eyes,
eyes that I figure hide everything
all my pain, all my anger, my entire life
yet you could see that I had no childhood

You were correct, I was robbed of the laughter,
the enjoyment all the things a child should have
I grew up resentful, alone and feeling awful
I thought that every dreadful episode was my fault and guilt
accompanied every event in my life, even before I was able to fight back

I really don’t know how you knew these things
when I was an expert at disguising what lie inside
you could see my inner soul when others couldn’t
tears came because of my broken heart, you said
I must have felt safe with you to be so open

I would love to know, to remember
all the conversations we have had
I pray daily for my memory to return
I practice every chance I get not to be so upset
at the devastating fact that I can’t recall any of them

I do thank you for having the recollections that you do
I listen closely for words, stories, incidents
that may trigger my mind into the past months
so far nothing has been restored to me
but with your caring and sharing, maybe one day
SEG