myketaminestory

February 13 2017

follow me upwards

susangayhart Blog antidepressants, anxiety, clinical depression, depressed, depression signals, Dr. Charles Moseley, Dr. Steven Levine, effects without ketamine, hospitalizations, insomnia, ketamine, Ketamine Advocacy Network, ketamine effects, ketamine infusions, ketamine shots, Major Depressive Disorder, myketaminestory, suicidal depression, suicide prevention, treatment resistant depression, www.ketamineadvocacynetwork.org

Hello again. I have been adding a few more things to the website and I am taking a much needed break to blog. I was thinking about my website and what else it needs in order to help. I decided to head over to a website that helped my family during the month leading up to and after my Ketamine Infusions. I pray the site Ketamine Advocacy Network continues to attract attention and more people become aware of the huge benefits that Ketamine offers for treatment resistant depression. I was visiting the site today and decided to finally register and post. I have been reluctant to in the past because I can get pretty overwhelmed by others emotions and experiences. I admit that even today it was upsetting. However, I did remind myself that tomorrow is Ketamine day and that I have been ready for my treatment 10 days now. It is not shocking that I would cry and hurt when reading about others’ histories and pain. It is a very fresh feeling for me. What I mean by that is I am too close to the depression. I feel some days it is too raw and painful. I know that after 9:30am tomorrow I will feel substantially better. I won’t falter. I feel broken today. I have much to accomplish and no, absolutely no drive to do. I want to accept and embrace where I am today but I admit I am angry. I am human. I am a little irritable, okay extremely so. I am definitely struggling with my depression lately. I am very uncomfortable. I am fighting for breath. My disability to center myself is compounded by the constriction the depression causes in my chest and stomach. I am feeling immensely negated. I feel I could disappear and nothing would shift or change. It will be as though I never was; nothing loss. My head is heavy and I believe I am close to auditioning for Sesame Street as the letter C because when I looked up and saw my reflection in the window that was what came to mind. I am curling into myself. It is physically more difficult to move and function mentally when the depression has latched its rotten teeth into me. I want that shot. I need that shot.

I have been using Ketamine therapy since March 2015. I have learned so much. I am in touch with my mental illness. I recognize the shifts and difference in myself. I feel blessed that I can distinguish a rotten day from Clinical Depression. However, I have hours upon hours of research left ahead of me. I need and want to research Ketamine. It is a massive part of my life. You know that part that decides whether it continues. I try not to freak out about the possibilities of not be able to afford or get my Ketamine therapy. It would be lovely if changes could occur to insurance companies so that Ketamine can be made available to everyone under their insurance coverage. I also would like and want to change stigmas. This is a tough one for me because I hide my illness at every turn. If I couldn’t camouflage my depression I wasn’t leaving the house. I spent many, too many, days in bed. I want and must inform doctors. I am shocked at how few doctors know or are willing to believe in Ketamine and its effects. I realize that prescribing Ketamine involves a little more hands on time for safety but in exchange for days of pure relief it is a no brainer to me. I feel the doctors should want to take the time if they are truly about healing the body. I have millions of pieces to glue together to make Susan completely whole again. I love knowing that Ketamine will give me a kick start. I will be floating up the stairs instead of crawling.

I was posting on the KAN sites’ forum about how I started with 6 Ketamine infusions and now I get a shot every two weeks and it brought back memories. I was investigating on the Ketamine Advocacy Network website and it got me thinking. I am documenting my journey by creating a place to go and I hope to see activity to my site too in an effort to help others. I know for a fact that the Ketamine Advocacy Network website helped my husband when I was barely hanging on to life. I feel Ketamine needs a voice. It needs all the voices it can find. It is so sad that this amazing drug has to go through so many hoops in order to help possibly millions. I would be dead today if not for Ketamine. That might sound dramatic but it is no lie. It changed my life. It continues to change me. I can not say it enough. I believe with everything in me that Ketamine could help thousands and thousands of individuals with Treatment Resistant Depression and Anxiety.

I also found after reading a few posts and comments on their forums section that I need to take some time to write about my Infusions and the treatment experiences I originally had and the ways that has changed over time. I want to be informative. I will.

The major obstacle, besides the health and insurance industry, is those of us suffering don’t know anything about Ketamine therapy and neither do our doctors!! Education is needed. I want more people talking openly about Ketamine and depression. I started my website as a beginning. There is so much I want to say. I want to shout it. Ketamine was my last chance. I had my suicide planned out fully in my head if I returned from NJ and the Ketamine didn’t turn out to be this wonder drug my husband was reading about. If it was unsuccessful which I figured it would be I had the escape plan. And that is exactly how I saw the direction of my life. I didn’t honestly have any hope that this treatment would be any different than any other antidepressants or cocktails from hell I have been prescribed over the last three decades. I had nothing left to give. I stuck around to try this last treatment only for my husband and son. The incredible part is we haven’t looked back since. I am working diligently on healing and Ketamine gives me the ability to do the work. I am super fortunate to have discovered Ketamine. This drug could help so many like me but it isn’t being used or talked about nearly enough! I am on a mission…. ?

I never believed my outlook on life could feel so completely opposite to the beliefs I have had in the past but they are. It hasn’t been reflected in the last couple post (excluding the poetry. I am posting many that were written in my teens and twenties. A history of mental illness in stance if you will.) and I know I still have several unanswered questions. Oh, that reminds me Dr. Steven Levine emailed me back Friday and agreed to discuss my case with my local doctor today. I am going to close for now and give Dr. Charles Moseley a call and check the status on what they decided regarding Ketamine and possible issues with my menopause results. It could be an explanation as to why the Ketamine wasn’t as effective as it typically is. Until next time. Keep moving upwards even if you have to crawl because at the top is Ketamine. I am crawling. I know what I will find. It is worth the bruises.

February 13 2017

crying alone

susangayhart Poetry afterlife, alone, anxiety, apprehensive, clinical depression, crying, death, depressed, depression, depression signals, emotions, grief, help, hope, insight, insomnia, Major Depressive Disorder, mental health, mental illness, myketaminestory, observing, pain, panic attacks, suicidal depression, suicide, suicide prevention, suidical depression, tears, weeping

Alone, tears on my pillow
soaked through to my soul
doesn’t seem to matter much
if someone is lying next to me
I still feel hallow inside

Wetness on a torn piece on paper
index finger outlines emotions within
eyes focus on emptiness, I see nothing at all
it’s the same every day and night
suicide races through my mind

The stopping of my heart
words written on the shred of reality
a life that wishes merely to die
the weeping never seems to end
afterlife to me could be a start

I ponder regularly of death
of closing my wet lashes
and finally cease to exist
where I am no longer apprehensive
I solely hunger for my life to conclude
SEG

*Most of the poetry posted on my website was written during my teens and twenties. There are a few exceptions but typically I find myself wanting to journal regularly and write poetry if inspired. Poetry has been my therapist during many trying times. I have decided to post these poems because it reflects my history with suicidal depression and the struggles I encountered trying to cope with life and depression.

February 12 2017

today

susangayhart Poetry anxiety, birds, depression signals, ending, grief, gun, hospitalizations, lonely, longing, Major Depressive Disorder, mental health, mental illness, my world, myketaminestory, nature, observing, panic attacks, peace, sadness, singing, suicide prevention, suidical depression, symptoms, treatment resistant depression, voices

Things have changed for me now
each day now, all I feel is death
I’m aware of only the loneliness and terror
the days and nights
are so unbearable and horrifying

I find pleasure in nothing
why did this have to occur
just when I figured I had improved so?
that the illness had let go of me
but it’s much worse then I could imagine

The colors of the leaves
means nothing to me now
to me they seem rusty brown
even in the spring and summer
I experience nothing of beauty I once saw

I hear no birds singing sweetly outside
nothing but silence in the nature
I try to listen, but all that is there
are the voices in my head
telling me this is the end

My world changed and
Inside I am slowly fading
I’m certain I’ll be joining
The unknown, today
as I hold a gun to my head
SEG

February 11 2017

hallow

susangayhart Poetry alone, anger, anxiety, clinical depression, control, depressed, depression, depression signals, effects without ketamine, emotions, empty, feelings, grief, health care, help, insurance companies, ketamine, Major Depressive Disorder, myketaminestory, panic attacks, sadness, self aware, suicidal depression, suicide, suicide prevention, suidical depression, symptoms, treatment resistant depression, treatments

They said that they would help me
they voiced that they cared enough
not to let me down or let go so easily
instead they left me feeling empty inside

What they didn’t know is the insurance company
had all the control to what I could have
the people trying to help had no power
the insurance company took it all away

So I sit here feeling so hallow inside
anger is alive within me dancing
around and round, no ability to stop it
panic at the fact that I can’t have what I need

Lost and agonizing over and over again
vacant emotions all I can do is accept it
when I know that I should feel irate
indeed I am but what can I do but let it go

I’m so tired of being sick and lacking relief
I’m being shuffled from place to place
and the expense is killing me, no tears
It’s known that I am alone and vulnerable

So hallow internally that I want to scream
I want to shout out at the system
how am I ever going to trust anyone
when you keep pulling the rug out from beneath me?
SEG

February 10 2017

voices

susangayhart Poetry depression signals, desire, devastation, feelings, freedom, heal, healthy thinking, help, lonely, mental illness, myketaminestory, panic attacks, recovery, sadness, scared, struggle, suicidal depression, suicide prevention, support, symptoms, treatment resistant depression, trust, voices, wounds

Why do the voices within me want me to die?
the voices tell me that if people really cared
they would find the time, but they have no time for me
because the phone the phone never rings
why when they told me they’d be there?

The devastation that I feel means
little or nothing to any of them
I’m scared, alone and so depressed
no place for freedom or peace of mind
will these feelings of loneliness ever end?

It seems that I can’t get the voices to just disappear
I struggle daily to silence them but in the end they reappear
I know that I need help and lots of support from somewhere
won’t you assist me and show me the way to healthy thinking?
I want to be held so tight that I can locate the power inside

I wish I could have the desire to continue to live
if I could only allow someone to get that close to me
oh, if I could only trust someone enough to stay
yet I find myself frighten to be that open to anyone
it leaves me with the feeling I have no place to call home.

The voices in my head tell me no one would care if I vanished
acquaintances that have tried to rearrange my life
but they never had my interest at heart only their own
which only made everything indirectly so much worse
Plenty of ammunition to draw upon.
nothing is ever good enough to heal my wounds

I wonder will I ever succeed and get better mentally
or will it just end with a sad letter to those I know
saying I couldn’t cope with my mental illness
the feelings never ease up,
the power, courage and desire
I couldn’t locate any of them in time
in order to grasp on to life
so I let go
SEG

February 9 2017

from where i am standing

susangayhart Blog alone, anxiety, clinical depression, depressed, depression signals, desire, effects without ketamine, emotions, grief, help, hope, hospitalizations, insight, insomnia, ketamine, ketamine day, ketamine effects, Major Depressive Disorder, menopause, mental health, mental illness, myketaminestory, observing, panic attacks, rheumatology, sadness, suicidal depression, suicide, suicide prevention, symptoms, treatment resistant depression, treatments

Hello again. It has been a grueling week. I am sincerely using everything in me to stay afloat. I am reaching out when I need to. That is a massive accomplishment in and of itself. I am known as being stubborn and not asking for help until the only options often lead to hospitalizations. I reached out to my local doctor, Dr. Moseley and I contacted the doctor I initially started my Ketamine treatments with, Dr. Steven Levine, by email. I am hoping for some answers because from where I am standing the waves are building and I am not ready to surf. I am shaking, isolated and I feel the undertow pulling. One thing I have found remarkable about the doctors I now allow to treat me is how after a year or more Dr. Levine still answered my email promptly. That my friends is impressive to me.

I am still struggling with pain. I have been to several doctors over the past weeks and I am trying to be patient but I am finding myself spending a lot of time breathing and centering myself. I am unfortunately painfully aware of how often I am stopping everything to breathe and gain clarity so I don’t snap and break. If I had to calculate I would say four or five times more daily I am spending inhaling and exhaling with purpose. I have so much tension in my body that it physically hurts to focus on my full breaths.

After seeing my family doctor for relief and answers to why I am having such unbearable, I am going to lose my job, screaming profanity in an empty room pain. I walked away with pain medicine, lab work and x-rays. All my blood work came back normal except the test for menopause. It clearly stated I am definitely experiencing menopause. It is wrecking my sleep, mood and possibly the Ketamine. I need to know, could menopause effect the way Ketamine works? I asked and sure, it is possible. Dr. Levine needed more information from me and was not comfortable addressing the issue in an email. I understand and respect that. I did push and requested he discuss my case with Dr. Moseley. I am praying he will agree to take the time. I am now in menopause and my emotions are all over the place; and the places it is taking me definitely not vacation worthy. I am wondering if my treatment needs to be temporarily adjusted. It seems unknown to me at the moment and it is probable that the answers are not available yet.

I was put me on pain medication for some relief last Thursday. I will say that did not turn out very well. They changed the prescription after one day and that change in medication surely didn’t go my way. It made me sick and quickly sent me to suicidal hell. I am fighting my way back after discontinuing the pills after three days. I stopped it out of fear for my mental sanity. However, the pain is excruciating. I have been trying to breathe through the pain and hot flashes. I will be honest I feel overwhelmed. I am not sleeping well, very little. I am wondering if the constant chronic pain and/or menopause could be a reason that the Ketamine doesn’t seem as effective this last time round.

I do realize that I have a lot on plate which could explain my “lack” of improvement after my last shot. I don’t know. And because I don’t have the answers I am forced to reach out in hopes that I can get reassurance or change treatment dose or frequency. I want insight. I desire to hop out of the pit I am in before it melts into quicksand and purges me into darkness.

I have been to doctor after doctor this past week or two. I have blood work results and x-rays. I also saw a specialist in Rheumatology yesterday and had more orders for blood work, Xrays and tests. They are narrowing down the cause of the hand pain. It is possibly an injury to my neck or more likely inflammation of the blood vessels – I believe the doctor said. I will know more…. with time. I am growing impatient.

The menopause is causing major issues with my clinical depression. I am very concerned. I can’t get up to NJ to see Dr. Levine very easily, but if I had to I would make the trip because I can’t slide any farther. It is already worrisome for me. I am getting further away from believing, with everything in me, that I can battle this especially if the Ketamine isn’t working as effectively as it did only weeks ago. This is very unusual.

I am hyper aware of the many changes I have accomplish with Ketamine. I have many questions and because this drug has little information available it is difficult for me to find the answers and reassure myself. If I speak with Dr. Moseley he often refers me to Dr. Levine for specific questions because there is still research being gathered and we both admit that we are continuing to learn as we go.

I am hanging over the edge here and trust me when I tell you that I have not been anywhere near this edge in a very long time. I feel I am a self aware person. The Ketamine, it keeps the depression filters off! My default setting is changing. I have lost several things in the past several weeks that I feel may have been avoided if there was the option to increase dose or frequency even if temporarily. But I have no idea.

I feel lost and desperate. And honestly angry. I know what life is without the depression filters and settings switched to the on position. Now I know what is available to me and how rich my life can be. As you that live in my dark world fully know, depression kills. I feel it is killing me. I still have to make it until next Tuesdays appointment. I am so grateful that it is a day earlier due to a scheduling issue on my part. I won’t hesitate to state I could use it today.

I am here, reaching out when I am fighting with myself to just let it go of life and that is unacceptable.

I know what Ketamine has done for me and I will keep announcing the power of this therapy. It has given me the tools to deal with living on the shoreline and not under that vast, deep, dark ocean waters. I have stood on the sandy beach and I refuse to sink. I have gained internal mental strength to endure and succeed. However, if there is something wrong with my life preserver when the currents are strong I am bracing myself because I fear I am going under. I think a tiny leak in my preserver is occurring. I am no longer playing in the sands building castle for my hopeful future. Instead I am on a piece of weathered wood and I am not confident at all that it will hold me up much longer. I hate this feeling. I so do. I don’t understand it. I don’t. I wish I did. I wish I could absorb the depths of the hows and whys of depression and how Ketamine factors into the equation. I have slightly embraced that I don’t need to completely get it all but that is laughable. Inquiring minds….

And I want to know.

February 8 2017

trust

susangayhart Poetry alone, antidepressants, anxiety, clinical depression, depressed, insomnia, Major Depressive Disorder, mental health, mental illness, myketaminestory, panic attacks, suicidal depression, suicide prevention, suidical depression, symptoms, treatment resistant depression, treatments

The feeling of death is upon me
I’ve plunged into the boiling hot pot
I was beginning to sense some relief
but for some unknown reasons I’ve fallen

No voice, no words that explain why,
why I can’t see straight, a reason to live
what happen to the power, the courage
the desire to fight to the every end?

I have broken down and lost
I’ve been struggling to win this war
I thought and strongly felt as though
I was on the right path this time

My depression, the illness caught me off guard
and now I feel I have no strength left
to attack back, no energy to want to win
my only urge is to crawl back into bed

To sleep and pray that I awake feeling differently
or to never arise again to such anguish
I want it all to end, to feel invigorated
to move on, however, I don’t perceive that as a reality

I used to believe desperately that
I would heal but I’m so uncertain now,
the doctors tell me they can help, In my heart
I acknowledge that I may not trust them anymore
SEG

January 18 2017

light on my toes

susangayhart Home antidepressants, anxiety, effects without ketamine, insomnia, ketamine day, ketamine effects, ketamine infusions, ketamine shots, meditation, myketaminestory, treatment resistant depression

Hello all. This is Susan from myketaminestory.com. It was Ketamine day! It couldn’t arrive fast enough for my liking. It was another sleepless night. I was thankful that my appointment was at 8:45am. I told Dr. Moseley as much when I walked through his door today. Before my shot Dr. Moseley listens as I summarize my last two weeks and how I am coping. He graces me with insights and when we are ready Dr. Moseley gets the shots ready. I used to get one shot and I honestly would get nauseous and often times I would vomit. Trust me when I say an hour of discomfort is worth two weeks of no depressive symptoms. One hour. That is the time line with Ketamine therapies. It is probably closer to 45 minutes. I will go into details another time about what having Ketamine treatments feels like. The reason I say that is because it has changed over time. The effects were intense when I first began my Ketamine journey. Today its effects are mild. I can participate in psychotherapy. I feel sightly drunk, but even that isn’t always obvious to me now. I often feel motion sickness and have on occasion been known to vomit during my appointment. I haven’t had any incidences while at Dr. Moseley’s office in months now. I went into Charlottesville feeling dreadful. I was dragging. I walk through his office door and I sit down, shift my weight on the sofa, sigh and blatantly state, let’s go straight to the shot today. I am in need. Of course I should know by now that exclaiming my impatience will lead to discussion about my state of mind. All I am thinking is stop the depression now! Please. We talk. I review with him. I mention my website and we discuss taking care of myself first. I respect that. It is not an easy task. I am discovering personal growth is a painful process. We wrap up conversing about Ketamine shots verses infusions. I added how I feel two shots minimizing the upset stomach and drunkenness but still gives me all the benefits of Ketamine. We review my opinions of Ketamine because it is a very new form of treatment. It is intended for those that have tried several other avenues for care. Traditional methods such as antidepressants, cognitive behavioral therapies and hospitalizations would be on ones resume. It is on mine. I was Dr. Moseley’s first Ketamine patient. We are learning together. When gives me my shots and I quickly glance at the clock. It is a habit. The effects used to occur within 7 minutes. I would obsessively ask what the time was. If I ask now it is out of curiosity as to how long I have been rambling. I am no longer aware of the heavy feeling in my chest. I can take a full breath. A side note: It just occurred to me that before the Ketamine I was having a difficult time breathing. I do centering exercises to ground myself in the present moment. I do a dozen or more times a day. I have been practicing this technique since I was introduced to Dr. Moseley. He taught me on my very first visit with him. I remember how difficult the practice was. I could only preform it standing in front of a mirror. Now I can use my breath and focus to calm myself with little effort. However, I found over the past couple days I can’t utilize this coping strategy. I wonder if it is because the ability to breathe becomes more difficult closer to Ketamine day. I am aware that centering makes me focus on the present moment and when I am depressed I want to do everything not to draw attention to it. So, it is probably a combination of the two. Anyway, I digress. As my appointment progresses I am calmer and lighter. I feel giddy. I feel light on my toes. I caught myself dancing to the Jeopardy theme song. I am shaking my head because yesterday or overnight even I was dragging to motivate myself to get up to use the bathroom. It is like two people. Night and day. My thoughts are not nearly as negative and self loathing. The camera lens that was foggy and distorted yesterday is on auto focus and the clarity is undeniably crisp. I am still exhausted. Ketamine doesn’t fix everything but it sure makes my life more manageable. I say that with a big smile. I am thinking what is Ketamine doing for me right now? It is making it possible for me to function. I embrace what tomorrow may bring instead of crying at the thought of having to relive another depressed episode. I have started many, many days crying because I didn’t die and I would hate the world for keeping me here. Night and day. Well, I have managed to accomplish a few more areas of my website but it is time consuming so until I get it fully operational my writings will be brief. I am attempting to get as much information on the site that may speak to and lead someone out of the darkness and into the light.

What is even better is the slight smile I catch on my face when I pass a window or mirror. I am thrilled to report that the Ketamine is continuing to assist me in being depression free for the next 12 -14 days. The most impressive aspect of Ketamine is no seedy side effects. No added medications to take to combat the adverse reactions. There are none that I have been aware of over the past year and ten months. How does it work? There isn’t a slew of information available. There is more than was noted two years ago. I am an observer. I am trying to understand too. I don’t know how it works only that it does. That should be enough. However, I am a seeker and usually won’t stop until the puzzle is complete and I am the one placing the last piece.

January 15 2017

discover a new treatment

susangayhart Articles, Ketamine Facts agoraphobia, antidepressants, anxiety, depression, ECT, help, hope, ketamine, ketamine infusions, ketamine shots, mental health, myketaminestory, panic attacks, suicide, suicide prevention, suidical depression, treatment resistant depression

Hello. This is Susan from myketaminestory.com. This blog is a work in progress. My desire is to educate both the general public as well as physicians on the use of Ketamine for treating chronic clinical depression. I was diagnosed with clinical depression and generalized anxiety disorder at the age of 18. I spent nearly 30 years after that searching for treatment to pull me from the depths of suicidal depression, daily panic attacks, insomnia and agoraphobia. I have spent countless times in psych hospitals, often for long periods. I have been prescribed practically every antidepressant on the market at one time in my life. The side effects alone have horror stories that could easily fill an entire 700 page novel. I have felt so desperate to escape the hell I was constantly living in that I tried ECT (electroconvulsive therapy, otherwise known as shock therapy). I believe that after a couple decades of seeking out treatments and several different varieties of therapy to no avail I truly began to believe that maybe it was “all in my head”. However, I could never wrap my mind around that because I was sincerely convinced that I would never willingly choose the world I was suffocating in daily.

Fast forward to 2015, I am once again deep in the pit of depression. I see no hope. I am done fighting. I have attempted to take my life so many times that I can’t recall a number; suicidal depression is always calling your name. January 2015, my light went out. I honestly had no fight left in me. Those of you that suffer know exactly what I mean. Trust me when I say treatment resistant depression is exhausting. I felt like I was fighting an evil so big, dark and all encompassing I couldn’t breathe. I was done. It was my most serious attempt. I left a note that no action should be taken. I apologized, but I could only pray that one day they would know and understand that I loved them and stuck around so, so long for them. The pain, hopelessness and the lack of successful treatment drove me to actions, that unfortunately many understand while others will never get it; to those individuals please be grateful you are so blatantly unaware of the world we were unknowingly and unwillingly sucked into. My last attempt was a serious one. I was so frustrated and angry when I was unsuccessful. My therapist and husband went into research mode and both were equally excited about this new treatment they found for treatment resistant depression: Ketamine infusions. The only problem was that it was a new treatment and insurance won’t cover the cost. I know for many, including myself, the cost of mental health puts a financial burden on the family. We didn’t have extra money to invest in an unknown expensive treatment. I was so angry. Why do we have to put a monetary value on what we are worth? I was at the end. I knew with everything in me I would keep trying to take my life until I was successful because the life I was living was no life at all. My husband and therapist realized I was unreachable. They kept pushing me to give it a try. We used our entire income tax return and traveled to New Jersey (we live in Virginia and at the time there were no clinics or facilities providing Ketamine infusions there) to the Ketamine Treatment Center of Princeton.

It took everything in me to stay alive until we received our tax refund and could travel to the treatment center. It was the longest five weeks of my life. It was filled with doubt that Ketamine infusions could even help me and that driving desire to end my life. In the end, I had 6 infusion treatments over a two week period. And I am thrilled to admit it changed the direction of my life. I was fortunate enough to learn that a doctor in Charlottesville, Va was willing to start trying intramuscular Ketamine shots. When I returned home to Virginia I was feeling rather strange, but in a hopeful positive manner. When I was asked what it was like I could only compare it to an individual that has been deaf all their life and they undergo cochlear implants. I imagine once they wake from surgery everything in their world is shifted, new, scary and a little shocking. I felt like I was experiencing life from the shoreline instead of under the vast powerful ocean waters. My life, it has not been the same. I have discovered me. It is still a lot of personal growth work and I struggle, but Ketamine has allowed me to see clearly. It gives me the ability to do the work because it pulls me up and out of the debilitating depression. I get Ketamine shots every two weeks now. I want to share my experiences, educate, possibly change a flawed belief system, as well as force insurance companies to pay for the cost of treatment. And trust me, the cost is a fraction of the cost of hospitalizations and traditional methods of treatment. In my blog I plan to document my Ketamine treatments, the effects, how it is changing my life, educate others suffering with treatment resistant depression, discuss changing insurance policies to include Ketamine treatments and if I am effective in my writings I am really hoping to open the eyes of psychiatrist and physicians alike.