my world

February 12 2017

today

susangayhart Poetry anxiety, birds, depression signals, ending, grief, gun, hospitalizations, lonely, longing, Major Depressive Disorder, mental health, mental illness, my world, myketaminestory, nature, observing, panic attacks, peace, sadness, singing, suicide prevention, suidical depression, symptoms, treatment resistant depression, voices

Things have changed for me now
each day now, all I feel is death
I’m aware of only the loneliness and terror
the days and nights
are so unbearable and horrifying

I find pleasure in nothing
why did this have to occur
just when I figured I had improved so?
that the illness had let go of me
but it’s much worse then I could imagine

The colors of the leaves
means nothing to me now
to me they seem rusty brown
even in the spring and summer
I experience nothing of beauty I once saw

I hear no birds singing sweetly outside
nothing but silence in the nature
I try to listen, but all that is there
are the voices in my head
telling me this is the end

My world changed and
Inside I am slowly fading
I’m certain I’ll be joining
The unknown, today
as I hold a gun to my head
SEG

*Most of the poetry posted on my website was written during my teens and twenties. There are a few exceptions but typically I find myself wanting to journal regularly and write poetry if inspired. Poetry has been my therapist during many trying times. I have decided to post these poems because it reflects my history with suicidal depression and the struggles I encountered trying to cope with life and depression.