lost

March 6 2017

wild life

susangayhart Poetry alone, depression, lost, pondering, questions, thoughts

The color green
A color that resembles
The leaves on a tree
Also unnamed plants
Which grow wild
Where only few can see
The sun glistens
Through the trees
Makes one wonder
What’s out there
For you and me
The beauty
It’s out there for
Only those that seek
The smell of pine
The essences of reality
Everything seems so peaceful
And safe
The animals run carefree
They’re free but are they insecure
Like you and me
What’s happening?
What’s out there
Between the trees and the leaves
Which hides their lives
From ours?
Is there peace
Or
Is there competition out there too?
Do they hurt or kill
In order to reach the top
To be number one?
I wonder….
And want to know
Is there peace
Out there?

SEG

10/15/86

*Most of the poetry posted on my website was written during my teens and twenties. There are a few exceptions but typically I find myself wanting to journal regularly and write poetry if inspired. Poetry has been my therapist during many trying times. I have decided to post these poems because it reflects my history with suicidal depression and the struggles I encountered trying to cope with life and depression.

February 21 2017

insightful

susangayhart Poetry anxiety, clinical depression, conversations, depressed, depression signals, ECT, fault, guilt, hate, help, hurt, longing, lost, love, Major Depressive Disorder, mental health, mental illness, observing, panic attacks, remembering, sadness, self aware, side effects, suicidal depression, suicide, suicide prevention, suidical depression, symptoms, treatment resistant depression, treatments

When I first met you, I was extremely ill
but you looked into my blue eyes,
eyes that I figure hide everything
all my pain, all my anger, my entire life
yet you could see that I had no childhood

You were correct, I was robbed of the laughter,
the enjoyment all the things a child should have
I grew up resentful, alone and feeling awful
I thought that every dreadful episode was my fault and guilt
accompanied every event in my life, even before I was able to fight back

I really don’t know how you knew these things
when I was an expert at disguising what lie inside
you could see my inner soul when others couldn’t
tears came because of my broken heart, you said
I must have felt safe with you to be so open

I would love to know, to remember
all the conversations we have had
I pray daily for my memory to return
I practice every chance I get not to be so upset
at the devastating fact that I can’t recall any of them

I do thank you for having the recollections that you do
I listen closely for words, stories, incidents
that may trigger my mind into the past months
so far nothing has been restored to me
but with your caring and sharing, maybe one day
SEG

February 20 2017

lost

susangayhart Poetry alone, anger, baggage, communication, death, depressed, friendships, grief, insight, issues, longing, lost, relationship, suicide prevention, suidical depression, symptoms, tears, treatment resistant depression, trust

The anger that’s inside me
oh, how the anger within me is on fire
I often wonder if I’ll ever find
the water to diminish it

The relationship between us
It just not right
the tension, oh the awful tension
sends flames straight to the sky

I’m lost, so lost as to what to do
what is there to do?
our communication is extinct
and there are many words left unspoken

I feel such fear, too much fear
that all I can do is brush away the tears
If the air is not cleared soon
what will happen to us?

Will the trust ever be restored
or should I head for the door
luggage in both hands
with no future plans, except maybe death?
SEG