lonely

March 4 2017

a bond

susangayhart Poetry clinical depression, friendships, hope, lonely, longing, Major Depressive Disorder, sadness

Tomorrow
Will my life change?
Will there be a man
With a soft touch- gentle?
Will there be a deep look
An emotional grip
That his smile would send
Through me?
Will his love surround me
On cold nights
Or when I am scared and
Alone?
Will things end
Just when I feel secure?
Will I look to him
Only to see him glance down and away?
If I reach for him
Will I find him gone?
What would I do then?
I need a bond
Strong as an ocean waves
Tight as skin to bones
Special like a sunset
Mine to cherish
For all the tomorrow’s
To come.

SEG

*Most of the poetry posted on my website was written during my teens and twenties. There are a few exceptions but typically I find myself wanting to journal regularly and write poetry if inspired. Poetry has been my therapist during many trying times. I have decided to post these poems because it reflects my history with suicidal depression and the struggles I encountered trying to cope with life and depression.

February 28 2017

alive

susangayhart Poetry agoraphobia, alone, antidepressants, anxiety, clinical depression, depressed, depression, depression signals, emotions, hospitalizations, lonely, Major Depressive Disorder, mental health, mental illness, myketaminestory, observing, sadness, suicidal depression, suicide, suicide prevention, suidical depression, symptoms, treatment resistant depression

My body is solid, I’m alive or so they say
my mind is in a whirl that keeps spinning round
I put in my favorite tape and press play
I hold the sharp razor to my right wrist

I close my eyes and think only of harmony
the peace I am seeking, imagine serenity
ponder the feeling of being free, out of this misery
I cut deep and close my eyes tighter as I cut deeper

I think of the freedom I am seeking
it races through my mind continuously
I was now concentrating on the razor
I change the cold steel to the other wrist

I take hundreds of pills to ensure my death
as I feel the blood so slick and sticky
oh so much blood, I still have my eyes glued shut
as I feel the blood soaking my clothing I think

It will all be over soon, the blood feels so warm
the heat makes me comfortable within
the best I’ve felt in such a long time
I laugh inside as a smile races across my face

Just then I hear the telephone rings then once again
my eyes open with no intention of answering it
it rings again, I glance down at my wrist
panic arose inside puzzled and so very much alive

I don’t understand, no words to explain
the telephone rings again I pull the line
I should be dying, inside my soul weeps
as I have to face yet another day
SEG

February 23 2017

deception

susangayhart Poetry affairs, alone, anxiety, clinical depression, deception, desire, emotional affair, insight, lies, lonely, longing, loving, Major Depressive Disorder, meditation, mental health, mental illness, myketaminestory, panic attacks, relationships, sadness, suicidal depression, suicide, suicide prevention, suidical depression, support, symptoms, treatment resistant depression

I hurt the one that I love immensely
I am ashamed of, and very angry too
could it be that my illness caused it?
I did so many actions that I can undo
carried out too many unforgivable things

Can he or I ever forgive myself for my conduct?
the reasons for my deception hurts inside
I devoted myself to man in marriage
why did I break that commitment to him?
was it because I thought he didn’t care?

I believed that he didn’t understand my mental illness
that the love we once shared so deeply
was no longer in existence, plainly dead
did I destroy a relationship I treasured?
morally I let go of what was meaningful to me

I went looking for others for the support and love
how can he ever pardon the affair when I know
that his heart is breaking from half a world away
will our marriage withstand all that I have done
or will it end in a wicked and ugly divorce?
SEG

February 14 2017

gone crazy

susangayhart Poetry acceptance, alone, antidepressants, clinical depression, dying, fear, friendships, gone crazy, grief, haunts, laughing, lonely, longing, mental health, mental illness, myketaminestory, observing, panic attacks, sadness, self aware, suicidal depression, suicide, suicide prevention, suidical depression, treatment resistant depression, unhappy, voices

My heart is dying inside
what does all this mean?
nothing really just reassuring me
no one could truly love me
I’m not worthy of unconditional love

Because you see those that have tried
leave so unhappily most of the time
I often wonder why that is
why can’t people accept who I am?
oh! it must be my personality

no need to cry the tears will never
wash away the pain that’s locked up inside
will it all end in suicide?
are the images I see, are they really laughing at me?
the whispers I hear, they frighten me so

The voices that haunt me
they won’t stop, so I obsess
about what I hear, have I gone crazy?
I’m scared and feel so empty
why do I turned everyone away?
SEG

February 12 2017

today

susangayhart Poetry anxiety, birds, depression signals, ending, grief, gun, hospitalizations, lonely, longing, Major Depressive Disorder, mental health, mental illness, my world, myketaminestory, nature, observing, panic attacks, peace, sadness, singing, suicide prevention, suidical depression, symptoms, treatment resistant depression, voices

Things have changed for me now
each day now, all I feel is death
I’m aware of only the loneliness and terror
the days and nights
are so unbearable and horrifying

I find pleasure in nothing
why did this have to occur
just when I figured I had improved so?
that the illness had let go of me
but it’s much worse then I could imagine

The colors of the leaves
means nothing to me now
to me they seem rusty brown
even in the spring and summer
I experience nothing of beauty I once saw

I hear no birds singing sweetly outside
nothing but silence in the nature
I try to listen, but all that is there
are the voices in my head
telling me this is the end

My world changed and
Inside I am slowly fading
I’m certain I’ll be joining
The unknown, today
as I hold a gun to my head
SEG

February 10 2017

voices

susangayhart Poetry depression signals, desire, devastation, feelings, freedom, heal, healthy thinking, help, lonely, mental illness, myketaminestory, panic attacks, recovery, sadness, scared, struggle, suicidal depression, suicide prevention, support, symptoms, treatment resistant depression, trust, voices, wounds

Why do the voices within me want me to die?
the voices tell me that if people really cared
they would find the time, but they have no time for me
because the phone the phone never rings
why when they told me they’d be there?

The devastation that I feel means
little or nothing to any of them
I’m scared, alone and so depressed
no place for freedom or peace of mind
will these feelings of loneliness ever end?

It seems that I can’t get the voices to just disappear
I struggle daily to silence them but in the end they reappear
I know that I need help and lots of support from somewhere
won’t you assist me and show me the way to healthy thinking?
I want to be held so tight that I can locate the power inside

I wish I could have the desire to continue to live
if I could only allow someone to get that close to me
oh, if I could only trust someone enough to stay
yet I find myself frighten to be that open to anyone
it leaves me with the feeling I have no place to call home.

The voices in my head tell me no one would care if I vanished
acquaintances that have tried to rearrange my life
but they never had my interest at heart only their own
which only made everything indirectly so much worse
Plenty of ammunition to draw upon.
nothing is ever good enough to heal my wounds

I wonder will I ever succeed and get better mentally
or will it just end with a sad letter to those I know
saying I couldn’t cope with my mental illness
the feelings never ease up,
the power, courage and desire
I couldn’t locate any of them in time
in order to grasp on to life
so I let go
SEG

February 9 2017

gone

susangayhart Poetry alive, alone, anxiety, clinical depression, dead inside, depressed, depression signals, desire, disappear, disappointments, effects without ketamine, emotions, fighting, guns, help, honesty, hospitalizations, insight, lonely, misery, pain, self aware, trigger

I feel so isolated
like I can’t relate to anyone
because no one truly knows me
or even cares to comprehend who I am

I feel completely dead inside
yet the pain is still very much alive
It’s fighting against me,
I want to end this awful suffering

The depression pulls me in and under
to a somber place, to a point
where I can’t control or react
to anything but hurt and disappointment

I want to close my eyes
and one day soon, very soon
end this dreadful misery
and be gone, to honestly disappear

To be gone, like the snow when it melts
like the sun when it sets
like a flower when it wilt and dies
I want to abandoned this life of mine
I should pull the trigger
SEG

February 4 2017

why?

susangayhart Poetry alone, anxiety, clinical depression, depressed, depression, depression signals, emotions, help, lonely, longing, Major Depressive Disorder, meditation, mental health, mental illness, observing, questioning mental illness, suicidal depression, symptoms, treatment resistant depression

The sun it shines for me
but rain will surely
enter it’s way
for my life is not a picture
in some local magazine

No beautiful mountains to climb
because my pain has washed
them all away
no tall green trees to see this year
because my heart has burned them all down
can’t you see the flames?

Inside, in my mind, to me I
resemble a house made out of glass
my mental illness has taken over
and has began throwing stones
the pieces cut me up as it shatters

The illness, is like lightening or a razor
first it strikes me hard and deep
then cuts my face, my body and my soul
it’s bitter hate I ate
and it’s rotting me away
apart from everything, I simply ask why?
SEG

*I have spent almost my entire life trying to understand mental illness. I figured that once I understood I could then be the puppeteer instead of the puppet. It doesn’t seem to work that way. I wrote this poem in my mid to late twenties. If I got it, I could stop it. Nope.

February 1 2017

please

susangayhart Poetry alone, clinical depression, depressed, depression, depression signals, effects without ketamine, emotions, evil, faith, insight, lonely, longing, Major Depressive Disorder, mental health, mental illness, sadness, suicidal depression, suicide, treatment resistant depression

Death it will feel so good to me
open the door Lord,
and please let me in
I have been pounding my head
against the gate for so long now
why won’t you just let me In?

I cry to you, oh Lord
please let me in
but I can’t make out your reply
through all the pain I’m in
I’m losing faith and hope
I am failing to believe in you

Inside I detect the calling
the cry of evil telling me
to commit suicide, that this is the end
I hear the voice so loud and I’m listening
even if that means losing you, I will succeed
I have no life, I have nothing to fear any more
SEG

*This poem like many of my others reflect a common theme in my writings. I know this was written in my twenties while living in Maine. I wrote much on my suicidal depression through out the years, but remarkably most of my poetry was written in my teens. I also loved writing song lyrics and have a notebook full of songs I have written. I think the older I got the more helpful I found putting words into a journal.

January 26 2017

little box

susangayhart Poetry alone, crying, depressed, desire, emotions, help, hope, insomnia, lonely, longing, self aware

My life is like being in a box
that’s to small, way too small
I want to get out desperately
but I can’t find an opening
and I can only hold my breath for so long

No!
there seems to be no one around for me
I can see, I can touch inside my little box
but I can’t communicate with anyone
I’m all alone even though people are nearby me

Isolated!
the way it’s always been for me
and feel like it will always be
I can scream all I want
but no one will hear or ever be there for me

So I just let myself cry and curl up tight
no one will care or ask why
the tears will hurt as they run down my face
I can see someone’s hands reaching for mine
but my arms are too short to grasp hold

I want help yet I find that everyone has disappeared
also love, love I’ll never discover inside this box
within this little box I have put myself in
maybe some day a person will come along to aid
who will free me from this little box, maybe someday
SEG

*This poem was written in Rumford, Maine. I was 17 years old. I believe it was these writings that allowed me to receive a small scholarship during awards night the year I graduated.