loneliness

February 17 2017

questions

susangayhart Poetry afraid, alone, anxiety, clinical depression, death, discover, dreams, heartache, insight, loneliness, Major Depressive Disorder, outdoors, panic attacks, suicidal depression, suicide, suicide prevention, suidical depression, symptoms, thoughts, treatment resistant depression

People tell me in my heart
I really don’t want to die
but in my mind I hear otherwise
I can’t stop the thoughts in my head
no matter how hard I try

Even if I think of the outdoors
of nature, the sun, the stars
I can dream of the mountains and trees
the summer hikes on my favorite trails
that’s all disappeared, no longer there

What I discover now
Is only loneliness and heartache
deadly thoughts of death and suicide
I want to hide from it all
to turn it off my thoughts as if they were a television

But I can’t switch off the voices in my head
I am afraid to be alone
yet at the same time
I want no one around
why doesn’t any of it make sense to me?
SEG

*Most of the poetry posted on my website was written during my teens and twenties. There are a few exceptions but typically I find myself wanting to journal regularly and write poetry if inspired. Poetry has been my therapist during many trying times. I have decided to post these poems because it reflects my history with suicidal depression and the struggles I encountered trying to cope with life and depression.