living

Hello again.  I had every intention of blogging on the day of my Ketamine therapy.  I was excited to get back home and share all the wonderful experiences I had and what I learned.  I wanted to share what Ketamine therapy feels like before, during and after treatments.  I had millions of thoughts racing to make their way to my laptop.  I was giddy at the thought of expressing all the observations I was going to make note of.  I went into this past treatment in such a desperate state of mind.  It had been a rough two weeks between treatments this round.  I knew that I had been in a dark place but it wasn’t until I got my Ketamine shot that I realized how far down the rabbit hole I had fallen.

I remember the drive back to Harrisonburg.  I am solid.  I am relaxed.  I turned to my husband and just smiled.  You know, that smile that words melt into?  A smile that needs no voice to express meaning.  The smile that represents life.  It is, for me, similar to that expression about how the eyes are windows to the soul.  A smile, a true genuine smile that reaches the eyes can actually tell a bigger story.  As a photographer I am aware of this when I am on a photo shoot.   I have realized that since I began my Ketamine therapy I smile; a lot.   I catch myself.  I giggle.  It must be insane to witness.  I want to be a child so it is acceptable to be this silly.  I know I am a little girl learning how the world works all over again.  This time on solid ground that is unwavering and clear.  It feels that way to me.  I am experiencing reality with young eyes and it is remarkable and worth breathing in.  I just feel a full sense of peace surrounding me, encasing me.  It welcomes me back to the living.  I embrace it.  I have a calm clarity.  The fog is lifted and I see the wildflowers once again.  The colors are stunning.  I am not lying when I say that the world looks in super sharp focus.  It isn’t hazy.  I realize as I am writing that the closest thing I can compare the depression to is a nasty head cold. Remember that feeling?  When you fight your way through those miserable days with tissues and cold medicine hoping to get to the other side without your head exploding.  You reach a point where you are stuffy, can’t breathe, throat hurts from breathing through your mouth, your head is pounding stronger than the base on your child’s car stereo and your only desire is to shut that all down fast.  You want to die.  Yes?  Well, if you were to multiple that by infinity you might experience my world because that feeling you are remembering never goes away for those with treatment resistant depression.  This description might allow you to have you a fraction of understanding on depression.  I will admit nothing my past doctors have tried made it possible to get rid of that pesky, deadly head cold.  Ketamine destroys that hypothetical head cold and the relief is phenomenal.  I am no longer weighed down and sickly.  I can breathe.

It has been a couple days since my Ketamine shot.  I kept wanting to sit down and create an amazing blog describing this sensational recovery.  I have so many ideas and topics to discuss.  I’ve been asking myself why is it so easy for me to make the time to write when my world is falling apart yet I can’t find an hour to share how incredible Ketamine is for depression.  I finally figured out why.  I am delighted and ashamed to admit the reason.  Can anyone guess why?  It feels good in a way to put these findings down on paper.  I mean, it is incredible.  All these new discoveries, they are so exciting to me.  I breathe in life and exhale the pain; easily.  I am living.  I am not locked up in my safe home afraid to involve myself in anything outside my own misery.  I feel good.  I want to do.  I have the ability.  I feel confident to do.  I want to take advantage of this time.  I guess I am still having issues with trust.   I write that down reluctantly.  I am terrified that Ketamine will disappear.  I will crash and tumble to pits so low a rope will never reach me.  I resent having that fear.  I look forward to the day when Ketamine is covered by insurances and doctors will think of Ketamine first before subjecting people to the horrendous side effects of antidepressants, other medication cocktails, and hospitalizations, but I degrees.

It occurred to me today that the reason I wasn’t writing was because I am out there living.  I am not noting the glories of Ketamine because I am too busy living.  And what, I ask you, could be a more profound statement of the abilities of Ketamine than that simple fact.  I am too busy living…..