ketamine day

from where i am standing

from where i am standing

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Hello again.  It has been a grueling week.  I am sincerely using everything in me to stay afloat.  I am reaching out when I need to.  That is a massive accomplishment in and of itself.  I am known as being stubborn and not asking for help until the only options often lead to hospitalizations.  I reached out to my local doctor, Dr. Moseley and I contacted the doctor I initially started my Ketamine treatments with, Dr. Steven Levine, by email.  I am hoping for some answers because from where I am standing the waves are building and I am not ready to surf.  I am shaking, isolated and I feel the undertow pulling.  One thing I have found remarkable about the doctors I now allow to treat me is how after a year or more Dr. Levine still answered my email promptly.  That my friends is impressive to me.

I am still struggling with pain.   I have been to several doctors over the past weeks and I am trying to be patient but I am finding myself spending a lot of time breathing and centering myself.  I am unfortunately painfully aware of how often I am stopping everything to breathe and gain clarity so I don’t snap and break.  If I had to calculate I would say four or five times more daily I am spending inhaling and exhaling with purpose.  I have so much tension in my body that it physically hurts to focus on my full breaths.

After seeing my family doctor for relief and answers to why I am having such unbearable, I am going to lose my job, screaming profanity in an empty room pain.  I walked away with pain medicine, lab work and x-rays.  All my blood work came back normal except the test for menopause.  It clearly stated I am definitely experiencing menopause.  It is wrecking my sleep, mood and possibly the Ketamine.  I need to know, could menopause effect the way Ketamine works?  I asked and sure, it is possible.  Dr. Levine needed more information from me and was not comfortable addressing the issue in an email.  I understand and respect that.  I did push and requested he discuss my case with Dr. Moseley.  I am praying he will agree to take the time.   I am now in menopause and my emotions are all over the place; and the places it is taking me definitely not vacation worthy.  I am wondering if my treatment needs to be temporarily adjusted.  It seems unknown to me at the moment and it is probable that the answers are not available yet.

I was put me on pain medication for some relief last Thursday.  I will say that did not turn out very well.  They changed the prescription after one day and that change in medication surely didn’t go my way.  It made me sick and quickly sent me to suicidal hell.  I am fighting my way back after discontinuing the pills after three days.  I stopped it out of fear for my mental sanity.  However, the pain is excruciating.  I have been trying to breathe through the pain and hot flashes.  I will be honest I feel overwhelmed.  I am not sleeping well, very little.  I am wondering if the constant chronic pain and/or menopause could be a reason that the Ketamine doesn’t seem as effective this last time round.

I do realize that I have a lot on plate which could explain my “lack” of improvement after my last shot.  I don’t know.  And because I don’t have the answers I am forced to reach out in hopes that I can get reassurance or change treatment dose or frequency.  I want insight.  I desire to hop out of the pit I am in before it melts into quicksand and purges me into darkness.

I have been to doctor after doctor this past week or two.  I have blood work results and x-rays.  I also saw a specialist in Rheumatology yesterday and had more orders for blood work, Xrays and tests.  They are narrowing down the cause of the hand pain.  It is possibly an injury to my neck or more likely inflammation of the blood vessels – I believe the doctor said.  I will know more…. with time.  I am growing impatient.

The menopause is causing major issues with my clinical depression.  I am very concerned.  I can’t get up to NJ to see Dr. Levine very easily, but if I had to I would make the trip because I can’t slide any farther.  It is already worrisome for me.  I am getting further away from believing, with everything in me, that I can battle this especially if the Ketamine isn’t working as effectively as it did only weeks ago.  This is very unusual.

I am hyper aware of the many changes I have accomplish with Ketamine.  I have many questions and because this drug has little information available it is difficult for me to find the answers and reassure myself.  If I speak with Dr. Moseley he often refers me to Dr. Levine for specific questions because there is still research being gathered and we both admit that we are continuing to learn  as we go.

I am hanging over the edge here and trust me when I tell you that I have not been anywhere near this edge in a very long time.  I feel I am a self aware person.  The Ketamine, it keeps the depression filters off!  My default setting is changing.  I have lost several things in the past several weeks that I feel may have been avoided if there was the option to increase dose or frequency even if temporarily. But I have no idea.

I feel lost and desperate. And honestly angry. I know what life is without the depression filters and settings switched to the on position.  Now I know what is available to me and how rich my life can be.  As you that live in my dark world fully know, depression kills.  I feel it is killing me.  I still have to make it until next Tuesdays appointment.  I am so grateful that it is a day earlier due to a scheduling issue on my part.  I won’t hesitate to state I could use it today.

I am here, reaching out when I am fighting with myself to just let it go of life and that is unacceptable.

I know what Ketamine has done for me and I will keep announcing the power of this therapy.  It has given me the tools to deal with living on the shoreline and not under that vast, deep, dark ocean waters.  I have stood on the sandy beach and I refuse to sink.  I have gained internal mental strength to endure and succeed.  However, if there is something wrong with my life preserver when the currents are strong I am bracing myself because I fear I am going under.  I think a tiny leak in my preserver is occurring.  I am no longer playing in the sands building castle for my hopeful future.  Instead I am on a piece of weathered wood and I am not confident at all that it will hold me up much longer.  I hate this feeling.  I so do.  I don’t understand it.  I don’t.  I wish I did.  I wish I could absorb the depths of the hows and whys of depression and how Ketamine factors into the equation.  I have slightly embraced that I don’t need to completely get it all but that is laughable.   Inquiring minds….

And I want to know.

 

hiding and hurting

hiding and hurting

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Hello again.  This is Susan from myketaminestory.com.  This post will be pretty short.  I am still experiencing excruciating pain in my hands.  I believe the worse thing about the pain is it appears to be masking the Ketamine I just got on Wednesday.  It is as though I didn’t even get my treatment.  I don’t know if that is possible or not.  I may need to call Dr. Levine.  I feel like the world I am trying to build keeps unexpectedly imploding.  I am in such a dark place.  I am hiding and hurting.  I am struggling to see the good.  I am fighting to keep myself upbeat.  I can’t.  I am so upset.  I am working so hard to get my life back and the universe is totally playing against me.  I don’t understand.  I keep feeling as if  I am being punished.  I don’t know what for.  I am trying to be a good, caring and genuine person.  I want to give up.  I didn’t think I would be feeling this way after Ketamine.  I am trying to get in touch with the doctors working with me to get answers.  It is the weekend.  So, you can imagine the success I am having.  Zero.  I was put on a pain medicine to try to combat the intense pain I am having.  I am of course having a negative reaction to the medication and spent last night vomiting and being irrationally pissed off.  My pain is so bad I would much rather literally die then breathe another breath.  I am so exhausted.  I am sick of everything blowing up in my face.  It is looking like I am going to have to find another job because stocking shelves is subjecting my damaged hands to their limits.  It appears to me that I can’t catch a break.  If I do, it definitely seems short lived.  I feel this post is a rant.  I am sick of insomnia and pain disturbing my life.  And what kind of life is this?  I seriously can’t do anything.  I want to scream.  I want to give up.   Man oh man, how I want to give up.  I have had to call out of work the past two day and I can’t see being able to work with these hands.  The act of typing is unbelievably difficult.  I have done my share of crying the past couple days.  And why can’t  doctors call you back?  I am waiting for my labs.  According to my hubby the ones we can see look good so far. I guess that is positive news except for the minor issue of not knowing why I am in such pain.  One lab test did read that I am in menopause apparently.  I will read more on that later.  I have put a call into Dr. Moseley because the Ketamine may not have effected me the way it usually does.  Could it be because of the intense pain I am in?  I will post poetry over next few days while my hands hopefully heal. I apologize for such a negative downer of a post.  I wanted to touch base.  I hope to have better news to share soon.

on the outskirts

on the outskirts

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Hello again.  This is Susan from myketaminestory.com.  I made it to Ketamine day.  I have been on the outskirts of depression the past couple days.  I am actually surprise that the depression filters have not been switch on yet.  It is like a force field.  I can feel it radiating towards me but it looks like my Ketamine shots will occur before it can wrap its claws into me.  I am grateful.  I am dealing with enough chronic pain in my hands that the intensity is plenty to cope with.  I have an appointment to see another doctor and hopefully this one may have an answer or solution to why I am experiencing the pain.  I am still waiting for someone to prove the Ashton Manual wrong regarding long term use of benzodiazepines  and permanent lingering withdrawal symptoms such as nerve damage.  I am longing to get answers, hoping, but more so I need relief.  I am suffering insomnia badly because of the pain.  It is constant 24 hours nonstop.  I am typing now in a pain that borders on insanity.  It is so much worse in the winter months.  I am obsessing about how this will never end and how unbearable it is.  And what is the point.  Yeah, right there on the outskirts is where I am standing.  I can see the poison and taste it on my lips.  I am pushing back.  I write and discover that my thoughts are drifting towards the default setting.  That depression setting has a password I can’t hack.  I would love to give it a nasty virus but instead it attacks when I am in stand by mode.  I believe now as I write the pain has definitely disguised the depression signals I usually get before Ketamine day.  I recognize that these feelings will only multiple if I wasn’t on my way to get my treatment today.  I spiral quickly once that force field shuts off.  I am so appreciative of Ketamine.  It is all just too much.  The last couple days have not been pleasant at all.  I am exhausted.  I am fearing what the results will be if this pain doesn’t cease.  Ketamine can only do so much.  It doesn’t combat all evils, but enough……

Heading out to my appointment.  I am sure my writings tomorrow will reflect the difference.  I seriously don’t make this shit up.  It is like night and day.  Two different people carrying the same baggage.  The Ketamine keeps that mess locked up tight in a gorgeous designer bag.  The days leading up to my treatment that baggage is kept in a used torn plastic garbage bag; everything just bursting at the seams and utterly ugly.  Man, I can’t wait for that shift.

just another cocktail

just another cocktail

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Hello again.  This is Susan from myketaminestory.com.  It has been a few days since my last blog.  I am disappointed in myself, but only a little bit.  I have not been putting my thoughts down.  However,  I have been able to get all the layouts and background work completed on my website; I am sure temporarily.  Although, I am feeling proud to say that I am slightly less stressed now.  I, unfortunately, am a type A personality so I am pretty driven.  I suppose by nature I don’t know how to relax.  I also believe I was conditioned.  This personality trait has its benefits as well as pitfalls.  I am also carrying the label of OCD sufferer.  It also has been my friend and my horrible nightmare.  I have to remind myself constantly of the importance of progress.  I don’t want to become overwhelmed and frustrated.  I am aware and can acknowledge these perceptions I have of myself and how they affect my interpretation of the world around me.  The variety of pills I have been prescribed over the years have definitely placed brick walls in my way.
I have been fortunate to have had a wonderful therapist for many years.  I acquired many tools for combating the demons.  I continue to use these coping strategies and can remarkably have them work in my favor.  The reason once again for this declaration is the use of Ketamine therapy.  Ketamine is truly my friend.  I received my Ketamine shots last Wednesday.  It has been 8 days now.  I usually do pretty well for ten days following my Ketamine shots.  It has been a struggle for me this past week with major issues with insomnia.  The major culprit for my lack of sleep is excruciating pain in my hands.  I have had the symptoms medically investigated with no answers.  I believe and according to the Ashton Manual the years of being over-prescribed with benzodiazepines used as treatment for my anxiety, panic attacks and agoraphobia.  All the damage my pharmacological history has caused and could have been avoided had I found Ketamine years ago.  That is why I have such an intense motivation to get this website more operational.  I went through years of trying and testing new cocktails of psychiatric drugs; in hopes to find enough relief to agree with everyone around me – life was worth living.  I was not a champion and I wanted out of the game.  My doctors were even less successful.  They had nothing to offer me.  I have grown to despise medications of all kinds.  I learned to have a deep mistrust for doctors and their reassurances that this combo would be the winner.  Many of the doctors in my past would just increase my ativan or klonopin and the results were numbness and long hours sleeping.  I was basically being heavily sedated waiting for the next cocktail to begin taking action and bring me back to life.  They all failed.  A couple combinations lifted the fog briefly but the side effects were unbearable and my body literally couldn’t handle the doses.  There have been many trips to the emergency room; far too many.  I am trying to accept my past and be grateful for my future.  I battle with the anger I still feel about the years I lost to the hands of pointless treatments.  I pray others won’t have to wait and will have the advantage of years of quality living.  I am on a mission to spread the word.  Ketamine works for Treatment Resistant Depression.  Pass it on.  Discuss it.  Tell a friend, doctor, teacher, neighbor, and why not tell a stranger too.  I am starting with this website because it is what I can do right now.  As I learn more I am sure to access many new avenues and I will be petitioning for the use of Ketamine as drug therapy for treatment resistant depression.  I get overwhelmed.  I center myself now.  Breathe.  I am doing what I can where I am today.  This is temporary.  I am healing.  And healing is not linear I am told.

light on my toes

light on my toes

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Hello all.  This is Susan from myketaminestory.com.  It was Ketamine day!  It couldn’t arrive fast enough for my liking.  It was another sleepless night.  I was thankful that my appointment was at 8:45am.  I told Dr. Moseley as much when I walked through his door today.  Before my shot Dr. Moseley listens as I summarize my last two weeks and how I am coping.  He graces me with insights and when we are ready Dr. Moseley gets the shots ready.  I used to get one shot and I honestly would get nauseous and often times I would vomit.  Trust me when I say an hour of discomfort is worth two weeks of no depressive symptoms.  One hour.  That is the time line with Ketamine therapies.  It is probably closer to 45 minutes.  I will go into details another time about what having Ketamine treatments feels like.  The reason I say that is because it has changed over time.  The effects were intense when I first began my Ketamine journey.  Today its effects are mild.  I can participate in psychotherapy.  I feel sightly drunk, but even that isn’t always obvious to me now.  I often feel motion sickness and have on occasion been known to vomit during my appointment.  I haven’t had any incidences while at Dr. Moseley’s office in months now.  I went into Charlottesville feeling dreadful.  I was dragging.  I walk through his office door and I sit down, shift my weight on the sofa, sigh and blatantly state, let’s go straight to the shot today.  I am in need.  Of course I should know by now that exclaiming my impatience will lead to discussion about my state of mind.  All I am thinking is stop the depression now!  Please.  We talk.  I review with him.  I mention my website and we discuss taking care of myself first.   I respect that.  It is not an easy task.  I am discovering personal growth is a painful process.  We wrap up conversing about Ketamine shots verses infusions. I added how I feel two shots minimizing the upset stomach and drunkenness but still gives me all the benefits of Ketamine.  We review my opinions of Ketamine because it is a very new form of treatment.  It is intended for those that have tried several other avenues for care.  Traditional methods such as antidepressants, cognitive behavioral therapies and hospitalizations would be on ones resume.  It is on mine.  I was Dr. Moseley’s first Ketamine patient.  We are learning together.  When gives me my shots and I quickly glance at the clock.  It is a habit.  The effects used to occur within 7 minutes.  I would obsessively ask what the time was.  If I ask now it is out of curiosity as to how long I have been rambling.  I am no longer aware of the heavy feeling in my chest.  I can take a full breath.  A side note: It just occurred to me that before the Ketamine I was having a difficult time breathing.  I do centering exercises to ground myself in the present moment.  I do a dozen or more times a day.  I have been practicing this technique since I was introduced to Dr. Moseley.  He taught me on my very first visit with him.  I remember how difficult the practice was.  I could only preform it standing in front of a mirror.  Now I can use my breath and focus to calm myself with little effort.  However, I found over the past couple days I can’t utilize this coping strategy.  I wonder if it is because the ability to breathe becomes more difficult closer to Ketamine day.  I am aware that centering makes me focus on the present moment and when I am depressed I want to do everything not to draw attention to it.  So, it is probably a combination of the two.  Anyway, I digress.   As my appointment progresses I am calmer and lighter.  I feel giddy.  I feel light on my toes.  I caught myself dancing to the Jeopardy theme song.  I am shaking my head because yesterday or overnight even I was dragging to motivate myself to get up to use the bathroom.  It is like two people.  Night and day.  My thoughts are not nearly as negative and self loathing.  The camera lens that was foggy and distorted yesterday is on auto focus and the clarity is undeniably crisp.  I am still exhausted.  Ketamine doesn’t fix everything but it sure makes my life more manageable.  I say that with a big smile.  I am thinking what is Ketamine doing for me right now?  It is making it possible for me to function.  I embrace what tomorrow may bring instead of crying at the thought of having to relive another depressed episode.  I have started many, many days crying because I didn’t die and I would hate the world for keeping me here.  Night and day.  Well, I have managed to accomplish a few more areas of my website but it is time consuming so until I get it fully operational my writings will be brief.  I am attempting to get as much information on the site that may speak to and lead someone out of the darkness and into the light.

What is even better is the slight smile I catch on my face when I pass a window or mirror.  I am thrilled to report that the Ketamine is continuing to assist me in being depression free for the next 12 -14 days.  The most impressive aspect of Ketamine is no seedy side effects.  No added medications to take to combat the adverse reactions.  There are none that I have been aware of over the past year and ten months.  How does it work?  There isn’t a slew of information available.  There is more than was noted two years ago.  I am an observer.  I am trying to understand too.  I don’t know how it works only that it does.  That should be enough.  However, I am a seeker and usually won’t stop until the puzzle is complete and I am the one placing the last piece.