hopeful

February 3 2017

the battle

susangayhart Poetry anxiety, battle, clinical depression, demons, depressed, depression, depression signals, emotional battle, fearful, grief, help, hopeful, Major Depressive Disorder, mental health, mental illness, physical battle, running, suicidal depression, suicide prevention, treatment resistant depression, winning

The clouds are dark
but I don’t care
I find myself dancing, dancing around
in the rain and smelling the fresh air

I close my blue eyes
with so much to fear
the fear of all those ugly demons
that are living so near

I discover I’m at battle
in a war I can’t possibly win
I am fighting with all that I’ve got
but realize that my weapons just aren’t enough

I’m running, running so fast
I run and I never look back
I promise myself to struggle to the end
I must not turn back, until I finally win
SEG

*When I wasn’t writing about depression and death I was struggling to find words to keep me here. A written language I could manipulate to fill all the empty spaces inside. A beautiful picture can emerge through ugliness. I used words and still do to motivate and express myself when I am overwhelmed. The feelings easily expressed themselves on paper. If I didn’t feel heard or couldn’t find my voice I always knew I could find something to write on. I have written on some pretty strange items over the years. I believe I wrote this after being told I had clinical depression and anxiety disorder. I would have been 18.