effects without ketamine

i can see the sun but still a prisoner i feel

i can see the sun but still a prisoner i feel

, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Hello again.  It has been a very long while.  This past Wednesday was Ketamine day for me, and I feel the need to express myself at last.  I have been away for several reasons.  I could jot down all of the excuses and make them believable to some, and lies to many more, but I stayed away for one reason.  ME.  It was selfish.  Maybe.

I know that when you share in an open forum you risk misunderstandings and negativity.  I honestly thought I was emotionally strong enough to withstand the scrutiny and ignorance.  I naively believed that my words and story would shout louder than the skeptics.  The fundamental problem is the lack of information available to support my personal experiences.  I have lived with treatment resistant depression and anxiety for decades.  I have been so far into the darkness that I forgot what the sun looked like.  I was told repeatedly that I had a candle burning to light my way back to the surface.  I constantly denied this spark existed.  I could not locate it, no matter how hard I clawed and crawled my way around the darkness of depression.

In January of 2015,  I took it upon myself to extinguish the smoldering fire.  I have tried many times to end my suffering.  The last time I was not afraid.  I was so completely raw and broken.  I had doctors reeling to find a solution.  A few of my doctors have wanted to find a possible way to pull me into the sun but to no avail.  I have undergone countless procedures and taken countless medications, with only horrific side effects and more health concerns as a result, along with my constant desire to take myself out of this bloody nightmare filled with a harmful package of lies.  That is what depression is to me now: a sad, torn, and beaten package of destructive lies.  Ketamine gifted me with the ability to recognize the difference between truth and fiction.

It was during my time in limbo that my husband found an article on Ketamine and its new uses with treatment resistant depression.  I barely survived the time it took to get the money saved for the experimental treatment.  I had no hope.  That is what darkness will do, it will kill hope.  However, Ketamine therapy pulled me up and into the sun.  I assist the Ketamine by constantly working to make mental connections between my behavior and thoughts and the way I interpret the world around me now.  I can see the sun but still I am a prisoner of depression.  I know that if I was not getting Ketamine treatments the darkness could easily engulf me.  While that may be true, I also realized one amazing belief…  I am the sunshine.  I fight daily to shine and reflect.  I want to be so bright that I can help lead the way out of darkness for others just like me.  Ketamine may be a solution.  It was my solution.

Please understand:  Ketamine is a drug to help.  It is not a cure.  You will not get six infusions and lead a symptom free life.  Ketamine will probably replace your current medications and therapies, or some of them.  While this may seem discouraging, I know it is not.  I get IM Ketamine once every two weeks!  One drug.  No lasting side effects.  (I have been known to get sick during  the brief time the Ketamine is in my system,  or feel “hungover” for the remainder of the day.)

I am engaging in life.  I know I see the sun and yet still have bars all around me, but each day I destroy another brick, and more iron and steel.  I have faith that the prison I find myself in is temporary.  I feel the warmth of the sun, and it dries my tears and makes me sweat out toxic thoughts and habits.  Ketamine has given me clarity.  I am not in a haze.  I know this feeling will last for a solid week or more.  The time between appointments and how well the Ketamine works and last is frustratingly unpredictable.  What I am saying is,  I have gone 12 days feeling amazing.  I have also gone only four days after a session of Ketamine.  It is important to be aware and to question.  This drug is so new for treating depression.  There is not enough evidence to state too many facts about Ketamine and if it does or doesn’t work.  There are more and more of us proving that it does.  I have had success with Ketamine in IV, Intramuscular, and nasal forms.  I personally receive IM Ketamine every two weeks, and as I stated, I have been for over two years now.  I find that if I am stressed or exhausted  it is harder for the Ketamine to last as long.  During situational stress, sadness, and grief the feeling that Ketamine is assisting in any way feels limited.  The mind is powerful.  And so are habits.

I spent decades battling this disease.  I have often failed miserably in my attempts to save myself from the demons living in my mind.  I would keep trying.  Trying until I could no longer.  A vicious cycle.  I have a tool box full of coping strategies.  I am proud to say I am capable of benefiting from using these tools now.  I see progress.  It takes time.  Unfortunately, it also takes a great deal of money.  One day, I hope this will not be the case.  It is very difficult advocating for a drug I know costs so little yet the industry is making a fortune off of.  My only suggestion is to approach local doctors with the hopes of educating them.  Try inspiring them to want to get involved in your success and in this massive shift in pharmacological treatments of mood disorders.  I can attest to how marvelous Ketamine has been for me.  It will continue to aid me in my recovery.  I trust Ketamine.

I can’t express enough how much I am enjoying the sunshine.  These bars around me are an illusion.  I will break free.  One by one.  I know these walls and materials have their weaknesses too.  I will find them and obliterate each one.  I know with time and the help of Ketamine I will redefine my default setting.  I already am.  It is frustrating and time consuming.  I want to be whole.  I want to no longer identify with being broken.  This takes time.  I keep reminding myself.

I have found over the last month that innocent questions about my recovery forced me into doubt and negativity.  I spoke to my doctor about my concerns and what I was hoping to accomplish by blogging about Ketamine and depression.  I had to pull back to get strong and recalculate my goal.  I know I have an issue with wanting to be super human and save all of us tortured souls.  I want to shout about Ketamine.

People are curious but so uneducated.  I have a history of success with Ketamine, yet there are some wanting only to mention the street and club version of the drug they have tried or read about.  The clinical trials have been with IV Ketamine and not Intramuscular (IM) Ketamine shots, so it absolutely annoys me when I read that “IV Ketamine is the only safe, effective method”.  This is undeniably a disservice for those that can’t afford infusions but could surely benefit from other Ketamine delivery methods.

I say, approach your psychiatrist, family doctor, or another close physician you feel comfortable confiding in and investigate the possibility that they would be willing to administer Ketamine shots, or even prescribe nasal Ketamine.  It is worth it.

I know I can see and feel the sun after decades of  life being pitch black and cold.  I know I may still feel a prisoner of depression when the Ketamine starts to lose its grip and the depression filters get switched back on.  When breathing is all I want to do but can’t.  I sense when I am sliding.  I get uncomfortable.  I get resentful.  I still have much work to do to break enough space between a couple of bars to crawl through.  The fantastic thing is, I know where to dig. And, I am getting better at using all the tools around me to get the job done.  I may be a prisoner, but in no way am I trapped here.  I have Ketamine.

the world is an imperfect place

the world is an imperfect place

, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Hello again.  It has been a long while.  I think about writing daily.  I want to write.  I recently got a new job and in the last thirty days I have worked all but two.  I am a part time employee and not used to working every day.  I wanted to work 24-25 hours tops.  I was trying to keep my recovery as my top priority.   Unfortunately, I also do not like to disappoint people so saying NO has been a challenge for me over the years and apparently still a current issue.  I want and love to feel needed.  I often risk losing myself to please.  I am watching this behavior but still unable to change it.  I am obviously gaining something stronger from my employment than I am aware.  Stronger than my will to take care of myself.  I will note here with pride that I was able to work all the shifts I was scheduled which has not been the case in the recent past due to depression and anxiety.

In the past several weeks I was able to research, talk to other Ketamine users and was able to set up with my doctor to get Ketamine nasal spray.  I wanted to have on hand if I became symptomatic before my next Ketamine shot.  I found that many negative things were occurring during the days leading up to my next treatment.  I was unable to motivate myself to go to work.  The depression would force me into hiding.  I would call out at my job because anxiety and depression were too massive for me to leave my house.  This always makes me hate my illness.  I spoke to my doctor about nasal Ketamine as a band-aid between shots if I feel myself spiraling downward.  That way I can stop the depressive symptoms before losing a job or worse myself.  I was able to fill the nasal Ketamine order and used it for the first time when I began to feel the depression filter click back to the on position.  I felt it was helpful.  I noticed an uplift to my mood.  It lasted about four days before I felt the need to use it again.  It had to be even more beneficial than I could have thought because I get my Ketamine shot today.  I feel I need it but I am not actively swimming in that awful cesspool I often stumble into.  I remarked to my husband that my depression may have been a silent struggle for me this go around; more frustrations with myself than a drop in my mood per say.  I did in fact go to work each day.  I also preformed well at my job.  I am realizing that Ketamine is amazing in all delivery methods.  It is so beneficial.  My mind is healing.  Slowly.

My hands have been a massive form of contention.  I am in constant pain.  I enjoy my job.  I want to blog.  I make the time to write.  The problem is my hands are so bad I want to scream out in pain.  My husband keeps telling me to try voice dictation and in all honesty I want to learn.  I just feel silly talking to my computer to write.  Plus, I am angry because my body keeps betraying me; it is breaking down and my mind is healing.  I am still discovering how imperfect our world is.

I am a huge fan of the movie The Breakfast Club.  My family would classify my love for the movie obsessive.  I quote this movie regularly.  How could I not utilize a few lines from my favorite movie into my blog?  I feel  “…screws fall out all the time.  The world is an imperfect place. ”  pretty much encompasses my thoughts lately.  I have always loved this expression.  It is all too accurate.

So, what is on my mind?  Why do I have The Breakfast Club dialogue running through my head more frequently than normal?  In one word, frustrations.  I want the world to run smoothly.  No bumps.  I want it to be perfect.  I want all the screws holding my world together to remain in total working order.  It doesn’t work that way.  The world is imperfect.  Screws rust and break.  I can’t count on a perfect recovery.  Healing is not linear and change is constant. I want to stop and turn off the power.  I want to be complete and mentally sound.  I don’t want the world judging all the screws that slip from my pockets when I encounter another imperfection.  I just want to pick them up and add them to my list of things to work on when I am stronger.  I want to accomplish all, yesterday.  I also prefer not to have the people in my life witness my damaged hardware.  It doesn’t work that way.  I am no better than the next person with faulty tools.  The world is an imperfect place.  And screws will fall out.  I used to fall apart and crumble as each one hit the floor.  Ketamine allows me to pick up new screws, nails, or even putty when needed.  I can get up and patch up the cracks.  The problem is all of these actions are taking place in a glass house.  People are watching.  Judging.  I am still hiding my truths from many close to me.  I worry a tiny bit to be honest.  I share my writings in an open forum now.  I am trying to adjust to that.  I know I am a master at using masking tape to cover up my flaws.  I mask my emotions.  I have years of practice.  I most certainly have felt fake; an impostor.  I have never been proud of hiding my illness.  I just know that in the past when people know about my treatment resistant depression, anxiety and daily desires to die something in their eyes shift.  They no longer see me as a capable intelligent person.  They pity me.  They see my raw weaknesses.  That is unacceptable.  I want to continue to be viewed positively and not seen through my illness.  An illness most don’t understand or want to.  I am now viewed as the girl that is just messed up in the head.  I am every stereotype they every read or heard about.  I am not Susan.  Silence.  Looks.  Talks behind my back.  Shattered.  I am dropping screws all over my blog.

I write about healing and Ketamine.  I am healing.  I use Ketamine.  I don’t want that to make people feel differently about me.  It does.  The world is imperfect.  Humans are not perfect.  I realize that.  I strive to be super human so this is an ongoing battle for me.  I mentioned at the beginning of my musings that frustration was the word of the day. People are looking into my house.  They are witnessing me picking up my messes.  I am uncomfortable.  I won’t pull the blinds because my message is too important.  Ketamine is hope.  Please understand that I falter.  I have baggage I am sorting through before recycling and purchasing new luggage.  Ketamine allows me to open up but I still have concrete walls to climb to do so.  Ketamine assists me.  I still have to do all the work.  I have to do decades of work. Do not judge my negative, bad days as a reflection of Ketamine.  It is totally all my shit.  I have to walk through it and wash it off.  I will say that Ketamine allows me to stand up and walk.  The washing takes time.  It all takes time.  I have been using Ketamine for over two years but suffered over 3 plus decades before discovering my life preserver.  I advocate Ketamine for Treatment Resistant Depression.  I have a dictionary full of reasons.  Ketamine lifts me up off the floor.  I still have to decide to walk.  We all do.  I understand that screws fall out all the time.  The world is an imperfect place.  I do.  John Hughes told me so back in the 80’s.  I am trying with every breath to accept that.  I suppose we all are.

feelings

feelings

, , , , , , , , , ,

a child’s laughter
a glass as it shatters
a silent goodbye
things that could make me cry

butter as it melts
the tiny magic which is dealt
the sun as it sets
could bring one peace, I bet

the touch of a wilted rose
the cold winter blows
hate where a person gains
this causes me great pain

a black lonely hallway
the feeling at the end of a rough day
the walls are closing in, you can’t see
Death has taken hold of me

SEG

4/30/88

*Most of the poetry posted on my website was written during my teens and twenties. There are a few exceptions but typically I find myself wanting to journal regularly and write poetry if inspired. Poetry has been my therapist during many trying times. I have decided to post these poems because it reflects my history with suicidal depression and the struggles I encountered trying to cope with life and depression.

spinning when i want to stand still

spinning when i want to stand still

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Hello again.  This is Susan from myketaminestory.com.  I noticed that I haven’t been capable of writing lately.  I am not taking time to journal.  I feel like I am spinning when all I really want is to stop and just stand still.  I want to take in the moment.  I want to breathe in life. I feel stressed.  I am miserable.  I am aware.  I have questions.  I always have questions.  I have more questions than I have people to ask them.  And recently I have been posting poetry that I have written in the past as a way to keep my website updated when I need to attend to my mental health.  I just keep spinning.  I get sick.  I think most would.  I had my Ketamine shot Monday night.  It was intense.  I have cried during my infusions and a couple times when I received my shots but most of the time crying is the last thing I want to do.   I usually feel substantially better within 10 or 15 minutes after my shot.  This last treatment, I cried a lot.  At the time I thought I understood why all the tears.  I even accepted my inability to will them to stop.  I needed to purge.  I have been carrying a lot of baggage and it was unbearably heavy.  I figured it was time to unload.  It was killing me.  You know, that’s what my first impression was of my last Ketamine session.  Now that I have had time to process my session I realize something even more profound.

During my session I kept saying I want to heal me.  I want to heal me.  I repeated this statement over and over as my voice grew.  I want to heal me.  I NEED to heal me.  It felt great shouting it.  I am staring at the ceiling and it appears to be a window.  Many windows.  I am tracing the frames with my eyes.  I switched to whispering I want to save me.  I want to save me. I want to save me.  All the while bawling my eyes out.  I NEED to save me!  I felt as the session was coming to an end that I had vomited up so much garbage that I should feel amazing.  I did not.  I didn’t feel anything but anger.  I have so much anger.  I am so afraid of it.  I unloaded for over an hour.  My doctor had to reschedule a meeting he wanted to attend because I was pouring and dumping all my trash in his lap making it impossible for him to get up and abandon me.  I am not proud of this.  I dislike feeling needy.  I didn’t want to hold on to all that contamination any longer.  I need new luggage.  And I promise I will get a genuine, true to self, set too. In the meantime, I have to work with the damaged bags I have acquired over time.

The fact that I kept digging deeper and felt completely empty didn’t stop the tears and I continued to whine to my doctor.  I didn’t want to leave his office until I was happy.  I refused a few times to set an appointment.  I couldn’t go. I needed to resolve what felt broken.  I realize now, a day and a half later, what I believe is the root of my latest turmoil.  I felt I had emptied myself and I was standing in front of my ego.  My ego is shoving back.  The door ahead of me is anger.  It has always been the root.  I mean the core is my debilitating depression and anxiety.  Which is out of my control.  I have not yet accepted this to be true.  I am still trying very hard with all my might to control this illness.  I can not.  I am pissed.

When I got to the empty space in my mind I was standing in front of a vault of a wall.  I look up at my doctor and say, okay I think I am at the bottom now.  I have purged it all.  All but the anger that is.  I know that discovering this felt positive and genuine.  I felt strong.  I wanted to feel uplifted.  I want to shed no more tears; ever.  I know it doesn’t work that way.  I know crying is healthy and can feel really good.  BUT…  I am afraid tears mean or equate to treatment resistant depression and suicidal thoughts.

Once I was able to leave my doctor’s office I have been reviewing and analyzing our time together to death.  And it hit me last night.  I want to save me.  I want to heal me.  It was the message.  I was crying out because I don’t feel like I am being heard. I am crying for those lost.  I am crying because the very thing I want most is interfering with my personal recovery.  I want to spread the word.  Ketamine is Hope.  I am driven to help others find their way to Ketamine therapy.  I am making progress.  People are reaching out to me.  Those contacting me are not just those like me but professionals too.  I am so excited and thrilled.  I am also completely overwhelmed.  I want to spread the word; to be an advocate for Ketamine.  I don’t want to jeopardize my healing.  I want both.  I thought the website was perfect for me.  I could express myself creatively and educate others on Ketamine.   This is a reality.  I am thrilled.  I want more voices for Ketamine.  I want people talking about it.  I do.

I now see my last Ketamine experience clearly.  I want to save me.  I need to heal me.  I have always been able to write as a way to process.  I recently felt anxious at the thought of writing.  What is that about??  I have never.  I have felt anxious if I need to write and have no paper or pen.  It finally occurred to me that I usually wrote without any audience in mind.  I wrote for me.  I need to write for me.  I enjoy it.  It is healing.  I never think about why I am writing.  I am writing to express myself in a world I often feel an alien in.

Well, I started this website to advocate for Ketamine and thought little of anything else.  The problem (and it isn’t really an issue per say) for me is people are being introduced to my website.  A few have reached out which is phenomenal.  I have been clueless for so long and it feels amazing to discover others using Ketamine therapy with very much the same results.  However,  I am now aware that people are reading my words.  I honestly freaked out.  I mean what do I have to say?  I no longer knew what to say.  What do people want to know?  What should I share? What resources should I add? What is useful? What is self indulgent?  OCD thinking has made a permanent residence in my mind.  I am spinning.  Spinning.  I mean there are so many ways to approach my website.  I have seen a few other Ketamine advocate sites and of course I think mine is crap in comparison and why bother.  I have nothing to say of value.  And I keep spinning.

It was only after my Ketamine shot on Monday night that I  felt myself scream out to get my attention!  I was dying to get myself to pay attention to me.  I am always saying I never feel heard.  Funny.  Ironic.  I am the one that wasn’t listening.  My anxiety and driven personality they want and need me to be 100%, all the time, to all people.  I lose myself in others.  I would start to write, to blog and erase it.  I was writing in a style unfamiliar to me.  I figured my way was definitely the wrong method to truly advocate for Ketamine and kept switching it up in my head.  I kept spinning.  I couldn’t write.  Writing is my therapy.  It has also been my way to stay sane.  My world made up of feelings and language.  Perfectly safe.  I shared very little of my writing over the years.  No more.  I opened myself up.  I am allowing my words to be seen and read.  What if it is not good enough?  What if I am not good enough?  I am now aware of others with Ketamine websites and they are great.  I ask more questions to myself.  Do I need to be more like them? Do I? Do I need to change to fit in? And once again… the spinning and anger.  I just want to write to keep my head above water.  I need to write to make sense out of a world that is complicated and confusing.  I need to write to heal.  I need to write to save myself.

So, you see my Ketamine session was once again enlightening.  I sit here in a pool of anxiety.  I will push through it.  I can push through the discomfort because I found Ketamine.  I feel free.  I can write.  I am not writing to anyone special but yet I am!  I write for all parts of me.  I have chosen to share as a way to advocate this miraculous drug therapy for treatment resistant depression.  My words may annoy many.  There will be haters.  I may fail.  I may not be 100% perfect.  And that doesn’t sit well with me.  I want to be the best.  I want to save all.  I want to have that accomplished by yesterday.

I am spinning.  I must stop.  I am climbing up that vast staircase that keeps disintegrating beneath my feet.  I keep at it.  Maybe just maybe?  Maybe my style of writing and expressing myself will communicate and comfort.  It is possible that my writings may also reach into the depths of a dying soul and give them hope.  Hope is something I was looking for when Ketamine entered my life.  I want to offer that in return.

The spinning is slowing.  I am gaining ground again.  I need to listen to my words and pleas too.  I have decide to go back to writing to the my voices in my head.  I may approach that one unique voice and write with my heart in my fingertips and it will be so powerful.  It will awaken the dead.  It will allow me to help a person suffering. What I have learned is that person is me.  I want to save me.  I want to heal me.  I am.  I write for me.  I hope my words speak volumes to you and you gain a little something from my journey.  I really do.  That will be a remarkable bonus for me.  It can not be my objective.  My inner child was shouting and I am listening.  I am no longer spinning.  I am standing still.  Just breathing.

follow me upwards

follow me upwards

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Hello again.  I have been adding a few more things to the website and I am taking a much needed break to blog.  I was thinking about my website and what else it needs in order to help.  I decided to head over to a website that helped my family during the month leading up to and after my Ketamine Infusions.  I pray the site Ketamine Advocacy Network continues to attract attention and more people become aware of the huge benefits that Ketamine offers for treatment resistant depression.  I was visiting the site today and decided to finally register and post.  I have been reluctant to in the past because I can get pretty overwhelmed by others emotions and experiences.  I admit that even today it was upsetting.  However, I did remind myself that tomorrow is Ketamine day and that I have been ready for my treatment 10 days now.  It is not shocking that I would cry and hurt when reading about others’ histories and pain.  It is a very fresh feeling for me.  What I mean by that is I am too close to the depression.  I feel some days it is too raw and painful.  I know that after 9:30am tomorrow I will feel substantially better.  I won’t falter.  I feel broken today.  I have much to accomplish and no, absolutely no drive to do.  I want to accept and embrace where I am today but I admit I am angry.  I am human.  I am a little irritable, okay extremely so.  I am definitely struggling with my depression lately.  I am very uncomfortable.  I am fighting for breath.  My disability to center myself is compounded by the constriction the depression causes in my chest and stomach.  I am feeling immensely negated.  I feel I could disappear and nothing would shift or change.  It will be as though I never was;  nothing loss.  My head is heavy and I believe I am close to auditioning for Sesame Street as the letter C because when I looked up and saw my reflection in the window that was what came to mind.  I am curling into myself.  It is physically more difficult to move and function mentally when the depression has latched its rotten teeth into me.  I want that shot.  I need that shot.

I have been using Ketamine therapy since March 2015.  I have learned so much.  I am in touch with my mental illness.  I recognize the shifts and difference in myself.  I feel blessed that I can distinguish a rotten day from Clinical Depression.  However, I have hours upon hours of research left ahead of me.  I need and want to research Ketamine.  It is a massive part of my life.  You know that part that decides whether it continues.   I try not to freak out about the possibilities of not be able to afford or get my Ketamine therapy.   It would be lovely if changes could occur to insurance companies so that Ketamine can be made available to everyone under their insurance coverage.  I also would like and want to change stigmas.  This is a tough one for me because I hide my illness at every turn.  If I couldn’t camouflage my depression I wasn’t leaving the house.  I spent many, too many, days in bed.  I want and must inform doctors.   I am shocked at how few doctors know or are willing to believe in Ketamine and its effects.   I realize that prescribing Ketamine involves a little more hands on time for safety but in exchange for days of pure relief it is a no brainer to me.  I feel the doctors should want to take the time if they are truly about healing the body.  I have millions of pieces to glue together to make Susan completely whole again.  I love knowing that Ketamine will give me a kick start.  I will be floating up the stairs instead of crawling.

I was posting on the KAN sites’ forum about how I started with 6 Ketamine infusions and now I get a shot every two weeks and it brought back memories.   I was investigating on the Ketamine Advocacy Network website and it got me thinking.  I am documenting my journey by creating a place to go and I hope to see activity to my site too in an effort to help others.   I know for a fact that the Ketamine Advocacy Network website helped my husband when I was barely hanging on to life.  I feel Ketamine needs a voice.  It needs all the voices it can find.  It is so sad that this amazing drug has to go through so many hoops in order to help possibly millions.  I would be dead today if not for Ketamine.  That might sound dramatic but it is no lie.  It changed my life.  It continues to change me.  I can not say it enough.  I believe with everything in me that Ketamine could help thousands and thousands of individuals with Treatment Resistant Depression and Anxiety.

I also found after reading a few posts and comments on their forums section that I need to take some time to write about my Infusions and the treatment experiences I originally had and the ways that has changed over time.  I want to be informative.  I will.

The major obstacle, besides the health and insurance industry, is those of us suffering don’t know anything about Ketamine therapy and neither do our doctors!!  Education is needed.  I want more people talking openly about Ketamine and depression.  I started my website as a beginning.  There is so much I want to say.  I want to shout it.  Ketamine was my last chance.  I had my suicide planned out fully in my head if I returned from NJ and the Ketamine didn’t turn out to be this wonder drug my husband was reading about.  If it was unsuccessful which I figured it would be I had the escape plan.  And that is exactly how I saw the direction of my life.  I didn’t honestly have any hope that this treatment would be any different than any other antidepressants or cocktails from hell I have been prescribed over the last three decades. I had nothing left to give.  I stuck around to try this last treatment only for my husband and son.  The incredible part is we haven’t looked back since.  I am working diligently on healing and Ketamine gives me the ability to do the work.  I am super fortunate to have discovered Ketamine.  This drug could help so many like me but it isn’t being used or talked about nearly enough!  I am on a mission…. ?

I never believed my outlook on life could feel so completely opposite to the beliefs I have had in the past but they are.  It hasn’t been reflected in the last couple post (excluding the poetry. I am posting many that were written in my teens and twenties.  A history of mental illness in stance if you will.) and I know I still have several unanswered questions.  Oh, that reminds me Dr. Steven Levine emailed me back Friday and agreed to discuss my case with my local doctor today.  I am going to close for now and give Dr. Charles Moseley a call and check the status on what they decided regarding Ketamine and possible issues with my menopause results.  It could be an explanation as to why the Ketamine wasn’t as effective as it typically is.  Until next time.  Keep moving upwards even if you have to crawl because at the top is Ketamine.  I am crawling.  I know what I will find.  It is worth the bruises.

hallow

hallow

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

They said that they would help me
they voiced that they cared enough
not to let me down or let go so easily
instead they left me feeling empty inside

What they didn’t know is the insurance company
had all the control to what I could have
the people trying to help had no power
the insurance company took it all away

So I sit here feeling so hallow inside
anger is alive within me dancing
around and round, no ability to stop it
panic at the fact that I can’t have what I need

Lost and agonizing over and over again
vacant emotions all I can do is accept it
when I know that I should feel irate
indeed I am but what can I do but let it go

I’m so tired of being sick and lacking relief
I’m being shuffled from place to place
and the expense is killing me, no tears
It’s known that I am alone and vulnerable

So hallow internally that I want to scream
I want to shout out at the system
how am I ever going to trust anyone
when you keep pulling the rug out from beneath me?
SEG

*Most of the poetry posted on my website was written during my teens and twenties. There are a few exceptions but typically I find myself wanting to journal regularly and write poetry if inspired. Poetry has been my therapist during many trying times. I have decided to post these poems because it reflects my history with suicidal depression and the struggles I encountered trying to cope with life and depression.

from where i am standing

from where i am standing

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Hello again.  It has been a grueling week.  I am sincerely using everything in me to stay afloat.  I am reaching out when I need to.  That is a massive accomplishment in and of itself.  I am known as being stubborn and not asking for help until the only options often lead to hospitalizations.  I reached out to my local doctor, Dr. Moseley and I contacted the doctor I initially started my Ketamine treatments with, Dr. Steven Levine, by email.  I am hoping for some answers because from where I am standing the waves are building and I am not ready to surf.  I am shaking, isolated and I feel the undertow pulling.  One thing I have found remarkable about the doctors I now allow to treat me is how after a year or more Dr. Levine still answered my email promptly.  That my friends is impressive to me.

I am still struggling with pain.   I have been to several doctors over the past weeks and I am trying to be patient but I am finding myself spending a lot of time breathing and centering myself.  I am unfortunately painfully aware of how often I am stopping everything to breathe and gain clarity so I don’t snap and break.  If I had to calculate I would say four or five times more daily I am spending inhaling and exhaling with purpose.  I have so much tension in my body that it physically hurts to focus on my full breaths.

After seeing my family doctor for relief and answers to why I am having such unbearable, I am going to lose my job, screaming profanity in an empty room pain.  I walked away with pain medicine, lab work and x-rays.  All my blood work came back normal except the test for menopause.  It clearly stated I am definitely experiencing menopause.  It is wrecking my sleep, mood and possibly the Ketamine.  I need to know, could menopause effect the way Ketamine works?  I asked and sure, it is possible.  Dr. Levine needed more information from me and was not comfortable addressing the issue in an email.  I understand and respect that.  I did push and requested he discuss my case with Dr. Moseley.  I am praying he will agree to take the time.   I am now in menopause and my emotions are all over the place; and the places it is taking me definitely not vacation worthy.  I am wondering if my treatment needs to be temporarily adjusted.  It seems unknown to me at the moment and it is probable that the answers are not available yet.

I was put me on pain medication for some relief last Thursday.  I will say that did not turn out very well.  They changed the prescription after one day and that change in medication surely didn’t go my way.  It made me sick and quickly sent me to suicidal hell.  I am fighting my way back after discontinuing the pills after three days.  I stopped it out of fear for my mental sanity.  However, the pain is excruciating.  I have been trying to breathe through the pain and hot flashes.  I will be honest I feel overwhelmed.  I am not sleeping well, very little.  I am wondering if the constant chronic pain and/or menopause could be a reason that the Ketamine doesn’t seem as effective this last time round.

I do realize that I have a lot on plate which could explain my “lack” of improvement after my last shot.  I don’t know.  And because I don’t have the answers I am forced to reach out in hopes that I can get reassurance or change treatment dose or frequency.  I want insight.  I desire to hop out of the pit I am in before it melts into quicksand and purges me into darkness.

I have been to doctor after doctor this past week or two.  I have blood work results and x-rays.  I also saw a specialist in Rheumatology yesterday and had more orders for blood work, Xrays and tests.  They are narrowing down the cause of the hand pain.  It is possibly an injury to my neck or more likely inflammation of the blood vessels – I believe the doctor said.  I will know more…. with time.  I am growing impatient.

The menopause is causing major issues with my clinical depression.  I am very concerned.  I can’t get up to NJ to see Dr. Levine very easily, but if I had to I would make the trip because I can’t slide any farther.  It is already worrisome for me.  I am getting further away from believing, with everything in me, that I can battle this especially if the Ketamine isn’t working as effectively as it did only weeks ago.  This is very unusual.

I am hyper aware of the many changes I have accomplish with Ketamine.  I have many questions and because this drug has little information available it is difficult for me to find the answers and reassure myself.  If I speak with Dr. Moseley he often refers me to Dr. Levine for specific questions because there is still research being gathered and we both admit that we are continuing to learn  as we go.

I am hanging over the edge here and trust me when I tell you that I have not been anywhere near this edge in a very long time.  I feel I am a self aware person.  The Ketamine, it keeps the depression filters off!  My default setting is changing.  I have lost several things in the past several weeks that I feel may have been avoided if there was the option to increase dose or frequency even if temporarily. But I have no idea.

I feel lost and desperate. And honestly angry. I know what life is without the depression filters and settings switched to the on position.  Now I know what is available to me and how rich my life can be.  As you that live in my dark world fully know, depression kills.  I feel it is killing me.  I still have to make it until next Tuesdays appointment.  I am so grateful that it is a day earlier due to a scheduling issue on my part.  I won’t hesitate to state I could use it today.

I am here, reaching out when I am fighting with myself to just let it go of life and that is unacceptable.

I know what Ketamine has done for me and I will keep announcing the power of this therapy.  It has given me the tools to deal with living on the shoreline and not under that vast, deep, dark ocean waters.  I have stood on the sandy beach and I refuse to sink.  I have gained internal mental strength to endure and succeed.  However, if there is something wrong with my life preserver when the currents are strong I am bracing myself because I fear I am going under.  I think a tiny leak in my preserver is occurring.  I am no longer playing in the sands building castle for my hopeful future.  Instead I am on a piece of weathered wood and I am not confident at all that it will hold me up much longer.  I hate this feeling.  I so do.  I don’t understand it.  I don’t.  I wish I did.  I wish I could absorb the depths of the hows and whys of depression and how Ketamine factors into the equation.  I have slightly embraced that I don’t need to completely get it all but that is laughable.   Inquiring minds….

And I want to know.

 

gone

gone

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I feel so isolated
like I can’t relate to anyone
because no one truly knows me
or even cares to comprehend who I am

I feel completely dead inside
yet the pain is still very much alive
It’s fighting against me,
I want to end this awful suffering

The depression pulls me in and under
to a somber place, to a point
where I can’t control or react
to anything but hurt and disappointment

I want to close my eyes
and one day soon, very soon
end this dreadful misery
and be gone, to honestly disappear

To be gone, like the snow when it melts
like the sun when it sets
like a flower when it wilt and dies
I want to abandoned this life of mine
I should pull the trigger
SEG

*Most of the poetry posted on my website was written during my teens and twenties. There are a few exceptions but typically I find myself wanting to journal regularly and write poetry if inspired. Poetry has been my therapist during many trying times. I have decided to post these poems because it reflects my history with suicidal depression and the struggles I encountered trying to cope with life and depression.

hiding and hurting

hiding and hurting

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Hello again.  This is Susan from myketaminestory.com.  This post will be pretty short.  I am still experiencing excruciating pain in my hands.  I believe the worse thing about the pain is it appears to be masking the Ketamine I just got on Wednesday.  It is as though I didn’t even get my treatment.  I don’t know if that is possible or not.  I may need to call Dr. Levine.  I feel like the world I am trying to build keeps unexpectedly imploding.  I am in such a dark place.  I am hiding and hurting.  I am struggling to see the good.  I am fighting to keep myself upbeat.  I can’t.  I am so upset.  I am working so hard to get my life back and the universe is totally playing against me.  I don’t understand.  I keep feeling as if  I am being punished.  I don’t know what for.  I am trying to be a good, caring and genuine person.  I want to give up.  I didn’t think I would be feeling this way after Ketamine.  I am trying to get in touch with the doctors working with me to get answers.  It is the weekend.  So, you can imagine the success I am having.  Zero.  I was put on a pain medicine to try to combat the intense pain I am having.  I am of course having a negative reaction to the medication and spent last night vomiting and being irrationally pissed off.  My pain is so bad I would much rather literally die then breathe another breath.  I am so exhausted.  I am sick of everything blowing up in my face.  It is looking like I am going to have to find another job because stocking shelves is subjecting my damaged hands to their limits.  It appears to me that I can’t catch a break.  If I do, it definitely seems short lived.  I feel this post is a rant.  I am sick of insomnia and pain disturbing my life.  And what kind of life is this?  I seriously can’t do anything.  I want to scream.  I want to give up.   Man oh man, how I want to give up.  I have had to call out of work the past two day and I can’t see being able to work with these hands.  The act of typing is unbelievably difficult.  I have done my share of crying the past couple days.  And why can’t  doctors call you back?  I am waiting for my labs.  According to my hubby the ones we can see look good so far. I guess that is positive news except for the minor issue of not knowing why I am in such pain.  One lab test did read that I am in menopause apparently.  I will read more on that later.  I have put a call into Dr. Moseley because the Ketamine may not have effected me the way it usually does.  Could it be because of the intense pain I am in?  I will post poetry over next few days while my hands hopefully heal. I apologize for such a negative downer of a post.  I wanted to touch base.  I hope to have better news to share soon.

on the outskirts

on the outskirts

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Hello again.  This is Susan from myketaminestory.com.  I made it to Ketamine day.  I have been on the outskirts of depression the past couple days.  I am actually surprise that the depression filters have not been switch on yet.  It is like a force field.  I can feel it radiating towards me but it looks like my Ketamine shots will occur before it can wrap its claws into me.  I am grateful.  I am dealing with enough chronic pain in my hands that the intensity is plenty to cope with.  I have an appointment to see another doctor and hopefully this one may have an answer or solution to why I am experiencing the pain.  I am still waiting for someone to prove the Ashton Manual wrong regarding long term use of benzodiazepines  and permanent lingering withdrawal symptoms such as nerve damage.  I am longing to get answers, hoping, but more so I need relief.  I am suffering insomnia badly because of the pain.  It is constant 24 hours nonstop.  I am typing now in a pain that borders on insanity.  It is so much worse in the winter months.  I am obsessing about how this will never end and how unbearable it is.  And what is the point.  Yeah, right there on the outskirts is where I am standing.  I can see the poison and taste it on my lips.  I am pushing back.  I write and discover that my thoughts are drifting towards the default setting.  That depression setting has a password I can’t hack.  I would love to give it a nasty virus but instead it attacks when I am in stand by mode.  I believe now as I write the pain has definitely disguised the depression signals I usually get before Ketamine day.  I recognize that these feelings will only multiple if I wasn’t on my way to get my treatment today.  I spiral quickly once that force field shuts off.  I am so appreciative of Ketamine.  It is all just too much.  The last couple days have not been pleasant at all.  I am exhausted.  I am fearing what the results will be if this pain doesn’t cease.  Ketamine can only do so much.  It doesn’t combat all evils, but enough……

Heading out to my appointment.  I am sure my writings tomorrow will reflect the difference.  I seriously don’t make this shit up.  It is like night and day.  Two different people carrying the same baggage.  The Ketamine keeps that mess locked up tight in a gorgeous designer bag.  The days leading up to my treatment that baggage is kept in a used torn plastic garbage bag; everything just bursting at the seams and utterly ugly.  Man, I can’t wait for that shift.

Load More