hiding and hurting

Hello again.  This is Susan from myketaminestory.com.  This post will be pretty short.  I am still experiencing excruciating pain in my hands.  I believe the worse thing about the pain is it appears to be masking the Ketamine I just got on Wednesday.  It is as though I didn’t even get my treatment.  I don’t know if that is possible or not.  I may need to call Dr. Levine.  I feel like the world I am trying to build keeps unexpectedly imploding.  I am in such a dark place.  I am hiding and hurting.  I am struggling to see the good.  I am fighting to keep myself upbeat.  I can’t.  I am so upset.  I am working so hard to get my life back and the universe is totally playing against me.  I don’t understand.  I keep feeling as if  I am being punished.  I don’t know what for.  I am trying to be a good, caring and genuine person.  I want to give up.  I didn’t think I would be feeling this way after Ketamine.  I am trying to get in touch with the doctors working with me to get answers.  It is the weekend.  So, you can imagine the success I am having.  Zero.  I was put on a pain medicine to try to combat the intense pain I am having.  I am of course having a negative reaction to the medication and spent last night vomiting and being irrationally pissed off.  My pain is so bad I would much rather literally die then breathe another breath.  I am so exhausted.  I am sick of everything blowing up in my face.  It is looking like I am going to have to find another job because stocking shelves is subjecting my damaged hands to their limits.  It appears to me that I can’t catch a break.  If I do, it definitely seems short lived.  I feel this post is a rant.  I am sick of insomnia and pain disturbing my life.  And what kind of life is this?  I seriously can’t do anything.  I want to scream.  I want to give up.   Man oh man, how I want to give up.  I have had to call out of work the past two day and I can’t see being able to work with these hands.  The act of typing is unbelievably difficult.  I have done my share of crying the past couple days.  And why can’t  doctors call you back?  I am waiting for my labs.  According to my hubby the ones we can see look good so far. I guess that is positive news except for the minor issue of not knowing why I am in such pain.  One lab test did read that I am in menopause apparently.  I will read more on that later.  I have put a call into Dr. Moseley because the Ketamine may not have effected me the way it usually does.  Could it be because of the intense pain I am in?  I will post poetry over next few days while my hands hopefully heal. I apologize for such a negative downer of a post.  I wanted to touch base.  I hope to have better news to share soon.