depressed

Hello all.  This is Susan from myketaminestory.com.  

I am a blogger that suffers with Treatment Resistant Depression (TRD), Anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). I was introduced to Ketamine for TRD in January 2015. I am forever grateful that I was. I spent the first two years focused on my recovery. I now have an excellent treatment plan in place but that does not clear me from obstacles or pitfalls. I journal regularly. I educate and advocate for Ketamine Therapy to help treat depression.

I have a long history with treatment resistant depression and anxiety disorders. My mental health has been my primary focus; often without my permission.

In this blog,  I will discuss how I have been able to stitch the past and present together with the help of Ketamine treatments.  It has been over four years now that I have been receiving Ketamine injections regularly. I must say that in the beginning it was very frustrating to understand how getting well takes time.  All I wanted, I thought, was not to feel suicidal every waking moment. I wanted to silence the negative chatter that kept me wanting to escape. I didn’t want to be a prisoner locked up in my thoughts and dark feelings.  I wanted to experience the life I thought others were so fortunate, lucky really, to have been given.

Why was I being punished and plagued with this all-encompassing death sentence?  

That is how I saw my mental illness; it was like I was a death row inmate and I was the only one that could see the bars and locks.  I was in solitary confinement, just counting down the days to when I would freely and willingly flip the switch and end my life. I truly believed that if I could just discover the correct medication to rid me of my depressive symptoms all would be well.  The reality is much different than the whimsical dreams I had about how others lead their lives when they were not tormented by the evils of clinical depression. A depression, that after decades and decades of attempts, I could not find the antidote for.

I felt I had a sick and twisted mind that would not respond to traditional means for combating the disease.  

All the wasted time.  

All the suffering.  

All the side effects.

The memories lost due to Electroconvulsive Therapy (ECT).

Cocktails of medications.

Nothing.

I began to believe and was convinced I was the problem.  I was creating this dreadful world inside my mind. It was all my fault.  

If only…

I was more intelligent and could figure out a way to swallow the painful feelings and push through the darkness.

If only…

I wasn’t a failure.  

If only…..

I was good enough; perfect.  A person worthy of this life given to me. I must truly be a horrible person to think this way.  If I was acceptable and loved surely one of these medications would alleviate my symptoms and allow me to live.

If only….

I could control my obsessive thoughts.

If only….

I could slay the dragon.

If only….

I could be someone else.

If only, if only, if only, led me to thinking it is all my fault.  I am a disgrace. I am pathetic. I can’t cope. I have no strength, no courage.  I must enjoy misery more than happiness. I deserve this confinement and self destructive existence.  I must be a truly terrible person.

I am nothing.

If it wasn’t me that was the problem, then I would definitely be responding to the drugs and therapies that have helped numerous people before me.

I am the problem.

However,  I guess I could never honestly persuade myself to these beliefs because something about all my efforts and desires to try new medications and therapies to rid myself of the beast that is depression countered the logic that something must be fundamentally wrong with me.

Yet, at the same time it was difficult not to argue with myself because my actions and attempts to take my life would leave me feeling like a fraud.  I mean, how can I say I am trying to get better if I keep participating in self-destructive behaviors?

I was exhausted and hopeless.

I was only scraps of dull fabric in an unmade tapestry.  All my sewing needles were bent or broken. The thread I was using was knotted or completely frayed.  I was a damaged illustration of what might have been, if only.

My arms felt like concrete.  I felt a heavy weight on my chest.  It hurt to breathe. My days were filled with questions and uncertainty.  I was involved in severe daily panic attacks and my insomnia was out of control.  I wasn’t capable or able to pick up the materials I needed to piece my life together.

I feel that with the depression comes paranoid beliefs.  My world was filtered with some obscure dirty lens. I could pull back the camera and wipe the lens clean and the reality around me was still utterly foggy.  

How am I to make creative art when I can’t see the beauty around me?

Depression hinders and kills.

I know I began to think people were against me.  I would unconsciously search for all the behaviors and actions by others to support these thoughts.  

The textiles before me were tarred and unusable.

Depression tears down your self esteem and desire for life.  It makes you hate, yes hate, everything you are. I felt unnecessarily weak in character.  I lacked all confidence in my ability to create. I felt nothing. I thought only of death and the end.  

The pictures around me were dismal and bleak.

One day, four years ago, Ketamine changed all of the mute colors.

It has taken time to swipe away the cobwebs and clear up the cluttered room that houses my supplies and crafts.  The self assurance I gained from being free of depression, if only briefly, following my initial Ketamine infusions, made it possible to begin to select strong threads and materials to work with and start to create a masterpiece.

Life.

My life.  

The title of my creation in the making?  Hope.

I have gained so many treasures over the past several years, with the benefits coming straight from my treatments with Ketamine, that I have numerous projects in progress.

The patchwork is slow.  The stitchings flawed at times.  I am discovering new fibers and techniques to try.

The colors are changing; developing.

I can still find myself afraid that this time the Ketamine therapy won’t work.  I am not as terrified as I was during the first few years, but I am a natural worrier.  I am working on that.

I know now what being without depression feels like.  I can’t go back. I sometimes fear what would happen to me without Ketamine.  When the depression steals my attention, I can only focus on disastrous self-destructive thoughts.  

I have also noticed at those times that colors are not as bright.  It is as though I am walking through thick fog. The world and the people in it are all moving and showing all appearances of living, but I walk around in a haze; suffocating.  I can still feel as if I am drowning. I don’t feel like I am a part of society.

I am an invisible visitor.  

I only desire to find my safe place; in the past this often meant solitude with suicidal ideations.  I resist isolating myself now. Ketamine is my life preserver. A flotation device that can leak if I wait too long to get my Ketamine therapy pumped back into my throw ring.  

My depressive symptoms have many faces, and I can recognize the familiar ones easily without questions now, but it wasn’t always that way for me.  It takes time to piece my life together. When I watch people talking, and I believe they are judging me severely, I ask myself one simple question.  Is this the voice of depression? The cascade of misunderstandings continue. I am convinced the world is against me. It horrifies me to know that I willingly believe that every single person in the universe hates me.  I understand the whys. I loathe depressed Susan. I find myself pulling too tight on the embroidery thread that I am using to mend my tapestry of hope and they threaten to break and leave me dangling.  

When the depressive symptoms resurface, and they always do, I find it frustrating to accept them.  I am discovering the length of time between injections of Ketamine can be close to twenty-one days now, but as the appointment time approaches, the obstacles are drastically more difficult to maneuver and my art is placed in a holding pattern.  

I can’t fathom anyone appreciating me or my mental health issues.  I surely don’t. I do feel fortunate that I have a wonderful support network and that the suicidal thoughts have been minimal.  The more informed I am about what my symptoms may look like, the better I can address the issues and know what to expect and how to cope with the shifts.  

Ketamine is not like other antidepressants.  A major positive about getting Ketamine is it doesn’t have lasting side effects to deal with.  However, the therapy itself has been something I have had to adjust to over time. It has been a struggle to be reintroduced to myself and how to handle the raw emotions that were disguised by the depression.

The problem I face when I am about two days away from getting my maintenance Ketamine shot is just how unpleasantly aware I am that I am heading into depression and having no control over stopping the progression into darkness.

I have been using Ketamine as a treatment for depression for over four years now.  My fourth anniversary was in March. The most fascinating aspect of Ketamine therapy is the ability it has given me to distinguish what is my true self.  The person I am without depression. It is so obvious to me now how completely different a bad day or a bad week is from clinical depression. It is like turning off the lights; pitch black.

I seriously feel like two people.  

I have found that in the days leading up to my next Ketamine appointment I begin to sink into that familiar pit of despair.  It is baffling because most of my time in between treatments I feel somewhat “normal”.

I wasn’t sold on the idea that there was a real distinction between being depressed and experiencing life as others do.  There is a huge difference for those of us with treatment resistant depression. I completely understand the differences between clinical depression and situational depression now.  I even understand how a really awful year, full of loss and disappointments could make a person feel. However, what I am referring to is depression so thick you lose the most important part of life….. yourself.  No amount of time or counseling will alter the belief that life is not worth staying around and trying to be a part of it.

As many of those that are aware of my ruminations have read in past blogs I am revisiting the subject of treatment resistant depression for those just finding my articles and website searching for help for themselves or a loved one.  

When my depressive symptoms re-emerge, I feel like I can’t push past the emotions.  I have noticed that I physically feel heavier, and it is difficult to hold my head up; my eyes feel glued to the ground.  I lack all my motivation, drive, and I move slower. My smile is gone and it becomes impossible to breathe correctly. If I don’t get my Ketamine injection within the next few days I know the symptoms will only worsen.  I never look forward to these overbearing feelings. It is a struggle to think with all the depression filters on. It has been my default setting for decades and it is not an easy path to stay off of.

I find I don’t recognize myself anymore.  The depression grabs hold so unbearably tight and no amount of coping strategies I have been taught and utilized previously will help me.  

I have been known to ask myself many times over the last four years why I can’t, I am not kidding you, I can’t push past the sinking feeling as I spiral downward.  I honestly have no control. These feelings of doom can still anger me because I want so desperately to be the lead in my life. I am trying to accept that I am not.  I have mental health issues that I didn’t ask for but must learn to live with. I have major depressive disorder, and I have to approach my life differently. I get that.  I know there is much more work for me to do in order to heal. However, I notice that I am more negative, self critical and impatient as the days draw closer to my Ketamine therapy.  

It is interesting to observe from a clinical point of view, but I am a human being and not a science project.  I continue to wrestle with understanding, acceptance and living.

I have been getting Intramuscular Ketamine shots every two weeks for years and have been fairly stable for many months now and recently decided to extend my time between booster shots to three weeks.  I wanted to know if I could tolerate and manage my life for longer periods of time, because I started to think that maybe, just maybe, I don’t have the issues with profound depression I once had. I have been feeling pretty positive and addressing my outside issues without the chaos that my mental illness once claimed in my life, and I am seeing the progress and benefits of using behavior modification and cognitive therapy techniques.  

Wouldn’t it be great if I were cured?  

That would not be the case.  However, I was able to go further between appointments without symptoms arising.  I went about nineteen days feeling upbeat and engaged in life. Then, the typical signs that the depression was knocking on my door and I had no ability to lock it out started to reappear.

Damn.

Acceptance is needed.  Anger arose. I felt discouraged and slightly deflated by the knowledge that even though I went for a longer period of time between Ketamine treatments, my determining that I would no longer suffer from clinical depression were nevertheless misleading.

Ketamine day!  

It arrives, and I am feeling the desperation that is always linked with my depression.

This day, it couldn’t arrive fast enough for my liking.

The last couple of days have been grueling and sparks animosity and unforgiveness in me.  I don’t appreciate feeling out of control of my emotions, and as hopeful as I feel about getting reprieve from the Ketamine, I do battle with negative, self defeating, and overwhelming doubts and the dialogue, aka depression, wants to own me, force me to believe that this hateful cycle will never end, and that even Ketamine won’t save me this time.

Before my shot, my doctor likes to have a recap and wants me to summarize my last three weeks and how I am coping.  I want to bypass this exchange and just get the Ketamine injection.

I went into his office feeling dreadful.  I was dragging. I walk through the office door and I sit down, shift my weight on the sofa, and attempt to deeply inhale and exhale.  I know I won’t be able to blatantly state,Give me Ketamine now!” I know by now that exclaiming my impatience will lead to deeper discussions about my state of mind.  Yet, all I am thinking is, stop the depression now!

Please.  

We talk.  I review with him.  I mention my symptoms and their intensity.  I say I am discouraged by the return of the depressive feelings; that it once again means I still need to work on acceptance of my mental illnesses.  It is a theme. You would think after suffering for decades I would be more accepting, but I am not. We discuss and touch on the ways I have been taking care of myself.  How, even with the presence of my hated friend, I am tolerating it better and better with time. I respect that. It is not an easy task. I am discovering personal growth is a painful process.  We wrap up conversing about my time between appointments and my feeling lacking in the department of self forgiveness. I mention that the reality is that my hope was that maybe I wouldn’t need Ketamine any longer, and I resent being wrong.

My doctor just smiles.  We both know that this hasn’t been the first time I have had this wish.

When he gives me my shot,  I quickly glance at the clock.  It is a habit. The effects I am looking for usually occur within 7-9 minutes.  I used to obsessively ask what the time was because of my anxiety and irrational fears that this time I wouldn’t respond positively to the effects of Ketamine. That feeling doesn’t consume me today.  I casually want to be aware of how much time will pass before I feel that switch and observe how my negative thoughts begin to evolve and turn hopeful and positive. I find something soothing in the knowing.  

Ten minutes…. Maybe less.

I notice I am no longer aware of the heavy feeling in my chest.  I can take a full breath. It occurred to me years ago that before the Ketamine I would actually have a difficult time breathing.  I routinely use centering exercises to ground myself in the present moment. I have been practicing this technique since I was introduced to my Ketamine doctor.  He taught me the importance and skill of centering and focusing on the breath during my very first visit with him. Looking back over the years, I remember, in the beginning, how difficult the practice was for me.  It felt unobtainable to me. When I began implementing the grounding and breathing applications I could, literally, only perform it standing in front of a mirror. It was as though I had no sense of how it felt or what it looked like to breathe properly; no sense of connection to my body or mind.  I think I had unconsciously conditioned myself to hold my breath out of my massive anxieties and fears of living life constantly afraid and unhappily. I was always trying to escape being suicidal me. I am proud to say that I can and habitually use my breath and focus to calm myself with little effort.  

However, I found over the past couple days leading up to my Ketamine injection that I couldn’t benefit or utilize this coping strategy.  Why is that? I believe that one reason may be that my depression constricts my muscles. I am aware that centering makes me focus on the present moment, and when I am depressed I want to do everything not to draw attention to it.  It is probably a combination of factors as to why breathing seems complicated to do when the depression resurfaces.

Anyway, I digress.   

As my appointment progresses, I am calmer and lighter.  I feel giddy. I feel light on my toes. I am always in awe of the insights I gain while I am getting Ketamine, as well as, when I return home.  I have even caught myself dancing to the Jeopardy theme song. I am shaking my head because yesterday, overnight even, I was dragging to motivate myself to get up to use the bathroom.  It is like two people. Night and day.

My thoughts are not nearly as negative and self loathing.  

The camera lens that was foggy and distorted yesterday is on auto focus and the clarity is undeniably crisp.  I am still exhausted. Ketamine doesn’t fix everything but it sure makes my life more manageable. I say that with a big smile.  

I am thinking, “What is Ketamine doing for me today?”  

It is making it possible for me to function.  I embrace what tomorrow may bring instead of crying at the thought of having to relive another depressive episode.  I have started many, many days crying because I wanted to die and I hated the world for keeping me here. Thanks to Ketamine, I feel ready to face my commitments and the depressive symptoms are nonexistent.

Night and day.  

I have managed to accomplish a few more stitches in my patchwork called life.  

Thank you Ketamine.

What is even better is the slight smile I catch on my face when I pass a window or mirror.  I am thrilled to report that the Ketamine will continue to assist me in being depression and symptom free for the next 19-21 days.

I am blending the colors and creating a new me.

I am curious as to what my tapestry of hope will look like next week, next year.  What new colors will I add? What shade of thread will I select? Will I find appreciation in the dark colors I once despised?  Will I have gratitude for the spectrum of light radiating and shining new prospects for me off the color wheel? What fabrics and designs will I weave into my story?  I am excited about the possibilities and the desire to pick up that sewing needle.

What would your tapestry look like if mental illness loosened its grip on you?  What piece of art would you want to represent your journey? What colors would you add to the overall appearance?

What is even more fascinating to me is that without the darkness and shades of my depression and the years of nightmarish colors, my artwork of hope wouldn’t have the contrast it needed to demonstrate my growth.  I will passionately try to remember that, when the depression returns, as it will…..

If you are interested in educating yourself further on Ketamine therapy for Treatment Resistant Depression, check out the four-part series I wrote answering questions about Ketamine use, based on my experience with Ketamine therapy over the past four years.

My first blog, Ketamine: Addressing Questions & Concerns focused on my early experience with Ketamine Infusions.

In part two of the series, Addressing Questions & Concerns About Ketamine Therapy for Treatment Resistant Depression I addressed questions and concerns about Intramuscular Ketamine verses Ketamine Infusion therapy.

In my third blog, Frequently Asked Questions: Redefining Depression With The Assistance Of Ketamine Therapy, I was a bit more random. I had emails with several questions and themes, and I addressed as many inquiries as I could.

In my final question and answer dialogue, Pondering Concerns & Questions: The Benefits Of Ketamine For Treatment Resistant Depression, I discussed research, clinical studies, and the need for changes to occur within our insurance companies and federal government so that maybe one day Ketamine will not be so difficult to afford or obtain, from any qualified professional.

I hope these personal blogs from a patient that suffered for over four decades with treatment resistant depression will be helpful in convincing you why Ketamine could help you or someone you love.

Also, if you would like to become a provider of Ketamine Therapy try enrolling in The Ketamine Academy‘s online Ketamine Infusion Therapy training course; it would be an excellent decision and could be extremely helpful for others like me. The Ketamine Academy online program will surely benefit you and the mental health community.

I have been generating a Ketamine Providers and Locations list and I update it regularly. Please visit my personal website for the full provider list. This list may help you find a clinic in your city or state. I update the provider list regularly. I highly recommend individuals contact me if you administer Ketamine or if you are aware of a Ketamine provider not in my directory; I will happily add new Ketamine clinics.

In conclusion, If you know of anyone suffering with treatment resistant depression, like I do, let them know that Ketamine therapy may be an option worth looking into. It has been and continues to offer me relief from my symptoms.

Originally posted on The Ketamine Academy website.

Hello and welcome. It is Susan from myketaminestory.com.

I am a blogger that suffers with Treatment Resistant Depression (TRD), Anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). I was introduced to Ketamine for TRD in January 2015. I am forever grateful that I was. I spent the first two years focused on my recovery. I now have an excellent treatment plan in place but that does not clear me from obstacles or pitfalls. I journal regularly. I educate and advocate for Ketamine Therapy to help treat depression.

I have a long history with treatment resistant depression and anxiety disorders. My mental health has been my primary focus; often without my permission.

In this blog, I would like to address those that are unfamiliar with Ketamine therapy for treating Treatment Resistant Depression. I realize after four years of treatments I am finally seeing more articles being written about the success of Ketamine therapy for treating depression, PTSD and other similar mental illnesses which is exciting news. However, many of them are scientific and doesn’t address the major audience; the sufferers of these diseases and whether Ketamine will give them relief.

It was all I was interested in determining at my lowest time.

I believe that when I was in the depths of my illnesses I wanted to be fascinated to learn about the research that was proving that a drug was restoring and regenerating damaged or dead cells and connections in the brain. I would have welcomed the knowledge that clinical studies were proving that when depressed mice were given Ketamine areas of their brains were lighting up and activity increased, if I had been able to. What is even more captivating is the length of time this area of the brain was illuminating, for said mice, and that their moods matched the brightness seen in the scans. To be completely honest, I am pretty enthralled by what researchers are discovering about why and how Ketamine operates and its effects on depression, but that is because Ketamine is now working to heal the impairments in my brain.

The case studies are answering questions I have been asking myself for years. It is also extremely compelling to read about how, over time, the glow that is being seen by scientists in their mice subjects begins to fade and go out. The explanations have helped me to better understand what is happening and why I must return to my doctor for a maintenance dose of Ketamine every few weeks.

Having said all that, I know that when my depression was all encompassing that I didn’t have the ability to to concentrate long enough to read and I definitely didn’t have the capacity or desire to process the information.

All I wanted to know was, will this medication stop the obsessive thoughts of suicide? Will this drug suppress or eliminate my depressive symptoms? Will this drug, called Ketamine, end or diminish the number of times I have to be admitted into a psych hospital? Will I be able to live a productive life without the desire to kill myself?

Fortunately, I have the answers to those questions and more.

Yes.

Ketamine has absolutely put the brakes on my depressive episodes, hospitalizations and suicidal thoughts.

I am living.

It wasn’t always that way for me. Luckily for me, I have a wonderfully supportive family. My husband did the searching and reading and would share a summary of what he discovered about Ketamine. I am writing to the friends and families of those suffering years of debilitating depression.

I am also addressing those that are searching, for themselves, to find an answer to pull them back from the edge.

I think back to when I learned about Ketamine: I was in such a bad space, as many of you still are. I know that when I heard about Ketamine, I thought it was too good to truly believe in.

I didn’t have the ability to have faith in anything.

I remember that I shrugged at the thought of others being helped with yet another drug claiming to help Treatment Resistant Depression. “This won’t be my experience. It never has been.” I was exhausted with the constant medication letdowns I barely survived. I was too afraid and completely hopeless to dream of anything outside of the darkness and heaviness I am intimately familiar with. I couldn’t muster the energy involved in trying a new treatment.

But…..

I couldn’t afford not to.

The gremlins and their chatter were active in my thought process. Their voices so incredibly loud and damaging. They had a permanent solution for me.

Death by suicide.

So, I reluctantly watched a couple of videos that my husband found about Ketamine. I even read the few articles that were available on the internet at that time. I watched in disbelief. I read with skepticism in my heart. I was highly suspicious. Could these people be for real? Could the words of research and results be trusted? It seemed doubtful. I know now that they spoke with honesty. That the clinical studies were solid and from reliable sources.

Maybe…..

I needed to silence the hateful gremlins long enough to absorb the possibilities.

I didn’t want to risk the unknown, but I needed to do something. I refused to continue walking down the road I was on. I knew where that road would take me. I welcomed the end.

My family did not want their stories, or mine, to end with a family member ending their life because of the deadly illness known as clinical depression.

I have written about many aspects of Ketamine in the past that you may want to reject. You may think it might be fabulous that it works for me, but you are totally different. That your depression has a different face or voice. That I really wasn’t as profoundly depressed as I claimed. That I, in fact, wasn’t absolutely depleted in the hope category.

Am I correct?

I know I had these same exact thoughts:

“The people in the videos and articles that are being helped with Ketamine are just lucky and nothing like me. They haven’t been hospitalized on the fifth floor or had to undergo ECT while being on a cocktail of psych medications only to suffer numerous side effects and hatred. “

“I won’t be that fortunate.”

“I will only add another failed treatment to my long mental health resume.”

“I am sure I have suffered too long to be helped.”

“I bet those helped didn’t have ‘my kind of depression’. “

I had all the defenses, lack of convictions, and mistrust I had grown to feel when approaching new treatments.

I had rational and irrational fears plaguing me.

As I have stated before, and want to impress upon anyone reading now, I was at my end. There was no light on inside. I know for a fact, especially after reading my journals from the months leading up to my husband discovering Ketamine, that I didn’t have high hopes for Ketamine. I had no hope.

However, I stayed around and fought, for the sake of my family.

I had to know that I had tried everything.

If there was something that could help, didn’t I owe it to them to try it?

It was not an easy endeavor. I was profoundly depressed and so angry about it. I write now and my feelings about the future are positive. In my sharing, I guess I worry that a depressed individual may blow me off because it seems so far-fetched. I know, I had these thoughts too.

My family did so much research and were so hopeful that Ketamine treatment would work for me. I think they had to believe that, because they knew I had basically checked out and was just playing the waiting game.

I didn’t believe it would help me.

I felt nothing would because the fact is, nothing else ever did.

I couldn’t get my hopes up like my therapist and husband were.

It is important to me to have you realize how far from the sun I was. I had been for many, many years.

I know now looking back that my depression was always present. It just manifested itself in a variety of different ways. I have used numerous crutches over the years to combat my illness; without success.

I think back and reflect on what I now know in hindsight would be my last round of medications and trips to the psychiatric wards. I was absolutely and completely done with the stories of mental breakdowns and hospitalizations.

Leading up to my last hospitalizations, I even found myself trying to fight off depression with running. Prior to my last war with severe depression, suicidal ideations and last attempts to actually silence the noise in my head permanently, I was training for a marathon, and I thought my body betrayed me.

My mind and body, I felt, were always battling against living and cheering for death.

I would ignore advice from other runners to take rest days. I needed to run. After all, I was being chased by the demon. I couldn’t seem to run fast enough or long enough to escape that feeling of doom. I would run when I was broken, because I knew what was in store for me if Satan outran me. The evils of depression go beyond the willpower I thought should have killed “it”.

I have lost so many, many things, opportunities, and even more so people that claimed they cared for me, all because I was ashamed of my mental illness.

I would go into hiding when the symptoms were at their worst.

Distance myself from life and was swallowed whole by the painful and rawness that is Treatment Resistant Depression.

Many of my observations have been years in the making and others I found with the help of Ketamine.

Depression is an insidious disease.

It will steal everything from you.

It will make life unbearable.

It makes suicide seem rational.

It embeds itself deep within and suffocates you in a world others can’t see. It painfully kidnaps you and leaves behind only a shell of who you once were or could be. I was on my last breath. Ketamine turned out to be my oxygen. It forced air in, so to speak, and loosened the grip that bastard depression had on me.

I was reviewing my journals once again, and they saddened me. I want to speak to those that are still struggling to locate relief. I want to shout that Ketamine has allowed me to put the brakes on all the hospitalizations and suicide attempts. It has made it possible for me to rebuild a life I thought was over. It has been a long and oftentimes tedious adventure. I wanted, no needed, to go back and not forget the intensity of my depression and where I was before Ketamine, in order to possibly help others suffering out there alone and hopeless.

I have experienced much personal growth since my journey began.

Ketamine has offered me…..

HOPE.

I don’t want to sound fanatical, but the fact is, I am living. I am establishing and rebuilding my foundation from the crumbled debris. I am the architect and I get to decide what my future will look like without the depression ninja dictating my actions and reactions.

I recognize the girl that wrote the words spread across the pages of my journals, but I am not her. Thankfully. I still find myself angry that I didn’t discover Ketamine sooner. However, I am trying to accept that I found Ketamine when I did and that is okay.

Radical Acceptance.

Never easy, but helpful.

I think, for me, I will be ahead of the game when I accept and embrace my diagnoses. I have spent a great deal of my life denying my illness to others. I didn’t want to appear weak. I didn’t want to be labeled and judged. I still don’t. I am convinced that if we don’t start discussing it more freely without the fear of repercussions, more will suffer in silence. It is a raw subject and just slightly intimate, which frightens the general population. People don’t want to discuss illnesses they can’t see. I want people to understand the true severity of mental illnesses. It is just so cruelly debilitating. We need to realize we have a voice. We need to be heard.

We deserve to be heard.

In closing today, I would like to share once again on how involved my family became in order to pull me from my despair. I am revisiting this time in my life as a way to demonstrate what Ketamine and four years has done to enriched my life, as well as, those in my inner circle.

My son, Matthew, was a freshman at Virginia Commonwealth University, back in 2015, when Ketamine was first spoken of in our home. He would later transfer to George Mason University in his second year, change his major and is now set to graduate in a few weeks. I am a proud mother. But I digress. When Matthew was taking a research class during his freshman year at VCU, he decided to write his semester paper on Ketamine. He was then given the privilege and invitation to present his finding at the Undergraduate Research Opportunities Programs yearly presentations. This was, for The Gayhart family, all so exciting and fascinating to be a part of, especially early in my journey with Ketamine Treatments.

I have included Matthew’s research paper on my website if you are interested in reading it.

His professor was very impressed with Matthew’s topic and enthusiasm. Please note: Matthew wrote his paper during the same period of time as my first set of Ketamine Infusions. I returned to Virginia after traveling to New Jersey for my first 3 treatments for the weekend, and Matthew interviewed me for his paper. If anyone is interested, I have linked his rough draft of the interview. Matthew would end up incorporating some of the interview into his research. It is a frozen piece in time for me.

This project was beneficial for the whole family.

We were, and still are, doing our part to try and change a flawed medical system. We know how Ketamine changed our lives and we want to scream it from the rooftops in order to bring attention to the drug and its potential life saving abilities.

If you are interested in educating yourself further on Ketamine therapy for Treatment Resistant Depression, check out the four-part series I wrote answering questions about Ketamine use, based on my experience with Ketamine therapy over the past four years.

My first blog, Ketamine: Addressing Questions & Concerns focused on my early experience with Ketamine Infusions.

In part two of the series, Addressing Questions & Concerns About Ketamine Therapy for Treatment Resistant Depression I addressed questions and concerns about Intramuscular Ketamine verses Ketamine Infusion therapy.

In my third blog, Frequently Asked Questions: Redefining Depression With The Assistance Of Ketamine Therapy, I was a bit more random. I had emails with several questions and themes, and I addressed as many inquiries as I could.

In my final question and answer dialogue, Pondering Concerns & Questions: The Benefits Of Ketamine For Treatment Resistant Depression, I discussed research, clinical studies, and the need for changes to occur within our insurance companies and federal government so that maybe one day Ketamine will not be so difficult to afford or obtain, from any qualified professional.

I hope these personal blogs from a patient that suffered for over four decades with treatment resistant depression will be helpful in convincing you why Ketamine could help you or someone you love.

Also, if you would like to become a provider of Ketamine Therapy try enrolling in The Ketamine Academy‘s online Ketamine Infusion Therapy training course; it would be an excellent decision and could be extremely helpful for others like me. The Ketamine Academy online program will surely benefit you and the mental health community.

I have been generating a Ketamine Providers and Locations list and I update it regularly. Please visit my personal website for the full provider list. This list may help you find a clinic in your city or state. I update the provider list regularly. I highly recommend individuals contact me if you administer Ketamine or if you are aware of a Ketamine provider not in my directory; I will happily add new Ketamine clinics.

In conclusion, If you know of anyone suffering with treatment resistant depression, like I do, let them know that Ketamine therapy may be an option worth looking into. It has been and continues to offer me relief from my symptoms.

Originally posted on The Ketamine Academy website.

Hello and welcome. It is Susan from myketaminestory.com.

I am a blogger that suffers with Treatment Resistant Depression (TRD), Anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). I was introduced to Ketamine for TRD in January 2015. I am forever grateful that I was. I spent the first two years focused on my recovery. I now have an excellent treatment plan in place, but that does not clear me from obstacles or pitfalls. I journal regularly. I educate and advocate for Ketamine Therapy to help treat depression.

I write for The Ketamine Academy, as well as, my personal blog, MyKetamineStory. com to help those considering Ketamine therapy for treatment resistant depression or those interested in becoming a Ketamine provider to those of us suffering with profound depression.

I try to educate professionals that are interested in providing Ketamine to their patients. I have joined forces with The Ketamine Academy, an online Ketamine provider training course, in order to spread the word about Ketamine and hopefully get more practitioners to open new Ketamine clinics with the ultimate goal of aiding people plagued with a disease I am intimately familiar with. I also want there to be a plethora of options for seeking Ketamine therapy available to patients with treatment resistant depression. I truly enjoy adding Ketamine clinics to my Ketamine provider list in the hopes of reaching more individuals, like me, that have been struggling for years with multiple failed treatments find a Ketamine facility in their area or at least close enough to realistically return to for maintenance doses every couple weeks or once a month.

In this blog, I want to discuss why there is such an immense calling for more Ketamine providers and how The Ketamine Academy can help. I personally feel there is a profound need for more professionals to offer this life saving treatment to those of us suffering with biochemical imbalances in our brains. There are not nearly enough providers willing to educate themselves on Ketamine in order to administer this quick acting antidepressant to those of us that have been repeatedly unresponsive to the more traditional forms of medicines for battling our illnesses.

There is a massive need for more professionals willing to educate themselves and extend the service of Ketamine therapy to those of us that may end our stories due to the inability to obtain relief from our horrific symptoms. Many of us have yet to uncover the advantages Ketamine has to bestow upon us.

There are more and more articles being written about the effectiveness of Ketamine in treating resistant depression, as well as, other mental illnesses – and not excluding a continuing problem with those serving in the military that return to their families with Post Traumatic Stress Disorders. This is incredible news for those of us that have been waging a war with our minds for decades.

There is an online Ketamine training course, through the Ketamine Academy to help potentially interested parties learn what they need to know to become Ketamine providers. The groundwork is there.

It is a an online training course designed to assist others with the ins and outs of becoming a Ketamine provider. I know first hand how imperative it is to have more people able and available to administer Ketamine, in a safe environment, in order to reach more sufferers with treatment resistant depression.

The Ketamine Academy is a training program designed to help educate and coach practitioners on becoming Ketamine providers. It teaches you the step by step process of becoming a Ketamine provider and small business owner, starting with day one deciding to open a Ketamine clinic straight through to the opening day of your new office. This program is high on the business side. It puts all the time consuming searches for procedures and regulations in one location. Those interested in becoming Ketamine Providers could easily have their clinic doors opened at least 3 or 4 months sooner if they utilize the Ketamine Academy’s online training course that takes the guesswork out of starting your own Ketamine clinic.

The facts:

It provides a step by step systematic approach to becoming a Ketamine provider with options for additional hands on clinical rotation training.

The average person working a full time job while enrolled in the Ketamine program can look to invest five or six months of their time. This completion time can vary depending on how motivated you are and how flexible your schedule is. The more time you can dedicate to the training course the speedier the return on your investment.

It offers a lot of marketing knowledge. The types of marketing that have worked, and those methods are discussed in the course. It covers in depth, website design and helps students understand how Search Engine Optimization (SEO) can work for their website and clinic.

It is a great way to gain control of your career.

The possibility of no longer working in a hospital environment with the long, grueling shifts.

It is an intriguing way to make a living.

You could work for the people while also building a company you can be proud of, that provides a huge service to those suffering with Treatment Resistant Depression.

You could be self employed. You can begin investing in yourself and your clinic.

The idea of being independent is appealing to many.

The Ketamine provider course will help walk you through the process from someone that has already taken the risk and learned from the various pitfalls that were overcome and created a step by step guide to help others avoid costly mistakes.

You could begin assisting a community that have given up hope that their lives could improve.

The Ketamine Academy offers a real opportunity to find freedom and independence.

Another main reason one would enroll in the online Ketamine training course could easily come down to avoiding spending countless hours reading, testing, adjusting, and recalculating. The founder, Jason Duprat, has already put in the time that was needed to create a working model for those interested in becoming their own boss and providing a huge service to people like me, that have not responded to the traditional methods for treating clinical depression.

There is also valuable information on state laws and regulations.

The Ketamine Academy will explain where to locate the relevant reading. You will have access to Ketamine protocols, such as, how other Ketamine clinics operated.

It also helps to know how a patient responds to Ketamine and what to expect from the treatments from a patient’s perspective. All these aspects are covered in the Ketamine Infusion Therapy course.

The program will have pertinent templates of the various forms you will need to open your doors for business.

The online course explains all elements of the business including patient care and Ketamine dosing.

It helps you understand and know about taxes and setting up an employment Identification card, state financial projections and expenses, and what the ranges are.

You will also have access to the creator of the course throughout the training and afterwards if questions arise.

There is high demand for a program or teaching course to help healthcare professionals establish a safe low cost Ketamine clinic to help administer this new therapy for Treatment Resistant Depression.

As a business start-up, the cost and the luxury of working for yourself providing a life saving therapy, the cost is manageable.

There is also a discussion forum.

They also have a Facebook page for students to use to address questions, concerns, offer helpful tips, a space to share experiences, and a public forum to ask for suggestions.

The Ketamine Academy welcomes anyone, but is geared towards Certified Registered Nurse Anesthetists (CRNA), Nurse Practitioners (NP), Physician Assistants (PA) and Physicians.

The Ketamine Academy’s training program can also be used as continuing education by students.

The Ketamine Academy has all of the information necessary to open your Ketamine clinic in one concentrated location. Practitioners will greatly benefit from Jason’s experience and the comprehensive online Ketamine Infusion Therapy training course.

Students will have access to new information and updates. The Ketamine Academy will send website updates and all relevant course changes. When new and exciting Ketamine related stories or studies are discovered, it will be shared with the students, even after completion of the course. Once you enroll in the Ketamine course you will be placed on a mailing list and you will continue to receive updates when there are changes to the course content.

The Ketamine Infusion Therapy training course also includes 5 hours of mentorship.

They also have additional consultation offers. You can purchase extended one-on-one time with the instructor.

The program will have open access, so you can literally start anywhere. If you are a nurse practitioner, it is suggested that you start by reading the Practice Act. Doctors can start by analyzing the market. You can hop around and read what interests you or select the first link and work your way through the program systematically.

There really is no right or wrong way to approach the program. This program was built to appeal to all learning styles. They have videos, written content, template forms that have proven to work, audio clips, interview with a ketamine patient, quizzes, and more.

You can begin at any spot in the program and cherry pick what information you specifically need or you could start with their topic list. It is built in the order you would benefit as well as your new business, too.

It begins with the topic All About Ketamine, but you can freely select the information that is most relevant and skip around the topics in the program list to suit your personal needs.

The program also addresses the start up costs along with how long it may take you to recoup your investment.

The Online Ketamine Infusion training course will save you time and money. It helps save you from expensive mistakes, and time reading irrelevant information.

The Ketamine training course will help you read and understand the Nurse Practice Act.

It will assist you in determining your scope of practice. This alone will save you hours of research; time spent in locating the information needed to give the answers you will benefit from; saving you time and money.

The Ketamine training course will allow you to move forward with your new business opportunity.

The course will cover taxes, creating an employee handbook, hiring techniques, insurance costs and it will even offer steps for picking a location and negotiating rental agreements.

The Ketamine Infusion Therapy Training Course will cover licensing and could possibly save you time and money by directing you to what forms to fill out for your business, thus avoiding fees from filling out unnecessary paperwork.

Once the training course is completed, it will qualify for Continuing Education Units (CEU). There are several divisions or classes that offer credits that can qualify for continuing education. There are Class A and Class B – categories – for lack of a better term right now. The difference is based primarily on whether a program or course includes comprehensive exams. There are also different types of accreditation based on job titles. For example: an allergy clinic might issue CME credits, a nurse will apply for CE credits and CRNA’s apply for CEU. If you are unsure if The Ketamine Academy can be submitted and used to fulfill your continuing education requirements, feel free to email Jason Duprat for more information at jason@ketamineacademy.com.

The mentoring/consult is designed to help assist in the complete set-up of your Ketamine clinic. They also offer on-site training for an in-depth, hands on approach to covering the Ketamine protocol. On site training is similar to clinical rotation or on the job training. The founder may travel to your new Ketamine clinic and provide hands on clinical training, in order to demonstrate the day to day tasks. It is face to face, in-house training to further assist a client.

It has mastermind groups. Mastermind groups typically consist of highly experienced business professionals and medical providers collaborating together. These groups are generally an excellent method for brainstorming, sharing experiences, discussing successes and helpful tips for troubleshooting. There is hope that by putting together a mastermind group, that will meet a couple times a year in a central location, everyone involved can share business and health care experiences and learn from one another. These groups help limit possible pitfalls because of the combination of talent and experience.

Basically, The Ketamine Academy training course will encompass everything you need to know and what you need to address in order to become a Ketamine provider.

Feel free to visit The Ketamine Academy to enroll today. If you are fascinated, but not yet ready to commit, I recommend the free trial to help you determine whether you want to invest in yourself and in this is new online ketamine infusion training course.

Until next time, feel free to comment or shoot me an email. Better yet, if you are a healthcare provider, why not sign up for the Ketamine training course today through The Ketamine Academy. Be a force of positive change. Be an option. Be a place for those suffering with Treatment Resistant Depression or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder to turn when all other avenues have been exhausted.

Ketamine is hope.

If you are interested in educating yourself further on Ketamine therapy for Treatment Resistant Depression, check out the four-part series I wrote answering questions about Ketamine use, based on my experience with Ketamine therapy over the past 3.5 plus years:

My first blog, Ketamine: Addressing Questions & Concerns focused on my early experience with Ketamine Infusions.

In part two of the series, Addressing Questions & Concerns About Ketamine Therapy for Treatment Resistant Depression I addressed questions and concerns about Intramuscular Ketamine vs Ketamine Infusion therapy.

In my third blog, Frequently Asked Questions: Redefining Depression With The Assistance Of Ketamine Therapy, I was a bit more random. I had emails with several questions and themes, and I addressed as many inquiries as I could.

In my final question and answer dialogue, Pondering Concerns & Questions: The Benefits Of Ketamine For Treatment Resistant Depression, I discussed research, clinical studies, and the need for changes to occur within our insurance companies and federal government so that maybe one day Ketamine will not be so difficult to afford or obtain, from any qualified professional.

I hope these personal blogs from a patient that suffered for over four decades with treatment resistant depression will be helpful in convincing you why Ketamine could help you or someone you love.

Originally posted on The Ketamine Academy