clinical depression

February 16 2017

the dream

susangayhart Poetry agoraphobia, alone, anxiety, clinical depression, depression signals, devil, distress, dream. gifts, exhausted, god, happiness, hell, lord, Major Depressive Disorder, mask, mental health, mental illness, pain, peace, suicidal depression, suicide, suicide prevention, suidical depression, symptoms, tired, tragic war, treatment resistant depression

The dream, that’s what it would be
the dream to have just one day of peace
this depression, it’s killing me
if for some time I could be happy
I’d continue to live and struggle
just to be rid of this disease

If I could find the joys of the world
and not to feel so damn miserable
I’d search and seek to locate that place
the area that knows nothing of such horrible pain
the time where I wouldn’t have to wear a mask
to pretend to be what everyone imagines me to be

I’m tired, tired of trying to fight
and very few people I know understand,
truly comprehend the war I’m in
a tragic war, that I can only dream of winning
I often wonder why that is, why they can’t
Why do they think I can just “snap out of it”?

The hell that I exist in, is pure distress
an area where demons have hold of me
I desperately want to destroy the devil inside
so that he can never affect me again
the dream I pray to the Lord every day
I want to have that one day of peace and happiness
SEG

*Most of the poetry posted on my website was written during my teens and twenties. There are a few exceptions but typically I find myself wanting to journal regularly and write poetry if inspired. Poetry has been my therapist during many trying times. I have decided to post these poems because it reflects my history with suicidal depression and the struggles I encountered trying to cope with life and depression.

February 14 2017

gone crazy

susangayhart Poetry acceptance, alone, antidepressants, clinical depression, dying, fear, friendships, gone crazy, grief, haunts, laughing, lonely, longing, mental health, mental illness, myketaminestory, observing, panic attacks, sadness, self aware, suicidal depression, suicide, suicide prevention, suidical depression, treatment resistant depression, unhappy, voices

My heart is dying inside
what does all this mean?
nothing really just reassuring me
no one could truly love me
I’m not worthy of unconditional love

Because you see those that have tried
leave so unhappily most of the time
I often wonder why that is
why can’t people accept who I am?
oh! it must be my personality

no need to cry the tears will never
wash away the pain that’s locked up inside
will it all end in suicide?
are the images I see, are they really laughing at me?
the whispers I hear, they frighten me so

The voices that haunt me
they won’t stop, so I obsess
about what I hear, have I gone crazy?
I’m scared and feel so empty
why do I turned everyone away?
SEG

February 13 2017

follow me upwards

susangayhart Blog antidepressants, anxiety, clinical depression, depressed, depression signals, Dr. Charles Moseley, Dr. Steven Levine, effects without ketamine, hospitalizations, insomnia, ketamine, Ketamine Advocacy Network, ketamine effects, ketamine infusions, ketamine shots, Major Depressive Disorder, myketaminestory, suicidal depression, suicide prevention, treatment resistant depression, www.ketamineadvocacynetwork.org

Hello again. I have been adding a few more things to the website and I am taking a much needed break to blog. I was thinking about my website and what else it needs in order to help. I decided to head over to a website that helped my family during the month leading up to and after my Ketamine Infusions. I pray the site Ketamine Advocacy Network continues to attract attention and more people become aware of the huge benefits that Ketamine offers for treatment resistant depression. I was visiting the site today and decided to finally register and post. I have been reluctant to in the past because I can get pretty overwhelmed by others emotions and experiences. I admit that even today it was upsetting. However, I did remind myself that tomorrow is Ketamine day and that I have been ready for my treatment 10 days now. It is not shocking that I would cry and hurt when reading about others’ histories and pain. It is a very fresh feeling for me. What I mean by that is I am too close to the depression. I feel some days it is too raw and painful. I know that after 9:30am tomorrow I will feel substantially better. I won’t falter. I feel broken today. I have much to accomplish and no, absolutely no drive to do. I want to accept and embrace where I am today but I admit I am angry. I am human. I am a little irritable, okay extremely so. I am definitely struggling with my depression lately. I am very uncomfortable. I am fighting for breath. My disability to center myself is compounded by the constriction the depression causes in my chest and stomach. I am feeling immensely negated. I feel I could disappear and nothing would shift or change. It will be as though I never was; nothing loss. My head is heavy and I believe I am close to auditioning for Sesame Street as the letter C because when I looked up and saw my reflection in the window that was what came to mind. I am curling into myself. It is physically more difficult to move and function mentally when the depression has latched its rotten teeth into me. I want that shot. I need that shot.

I have been using Ketamine therapy since March 2015. I have learned so much. I am in touch with my mental illness. I recognize the shifts and difference in myself. I feel blessed that I can distinguish a rotten day from Clinical Depression. However, I have hours upon hours of research left ahead of me. I need and want to research Ketamine. It is a massive part of my life. You know that part that decides whether it continues. I try not to freak out about the possibilities of not be able to afford or get my Ketamine therapy. It would be lovely if changes could occur to insurance companies so that Ketamine can be made available to everyone under their insurance coverage. I also would like and want to change stigmas. This is a tough one for me because I hide my illness at every turn. If I couldn’t camouflage my depression I wasn’t leaving the house. I spent many, too many, days in bed. I want and must inform doctors. I am shocked at how few doctors know or are willing to believe in Ketamine and its effects. I realize that prescribing Ketamine involves a little more hands on time for safety but in exchange for days of pure relief it is a no brainer to me. I feel the doctors should want to take the time if they are truly about healing the body. I have millions of pieces to glue together to make Susan completely whole again. I love knowing that Ketamine will give me a kick start. I will be floating up the stairs instead of crawling.

I was posting on the KAN sites’ forum about how I started with 6 Ketamine infusions and now I get a shot every two weeks and it brought back memories. I was investigating on the Ketamine Advocacy Network website and it got me thinking. I am documenting my journey by creating a place to go and I hope to see activity to my site too in an effort to help others. I know for a fact that the Ketamine Advocacy Network website helped my husband when I was barely hanging on to life. I feel Ketamine needs a voice. It needs all the voices it can find. It is so sad that this amazing drug has to go through so many hoops in order to help possibly millions. I would be dead today if not for Ketamine. That might sound dramatic but it is no lie. It changed my life. It continues to change me. I can not say it enough. I believe with everything in me that Ketamine could help thousands and thousands of individuals with Treatment Resistant Depression and Anxiety.

I also found after reading a few posts and comments on their forums section that I need to take some time to write about my Infusions and the treatment experiences I originally had and the ways that has changed over time. I want to be informative. I will.

The major obstacle, besides the health and insurance industry, is those of us suffering don’t know anything about Ketamine therapy and neither do our doctors!! Education is needed. I want more people talking openly about Ketamine and depression. I started my website as a beginning. There is so much I want to say. I want to shout it. Ketamine was my last chance. I had my suicide planned out fully in my head if I returned from NJ and the Ketamine didn’t turn out to be this wonder drug my husband was reading about. If it was unsuccessful which I figured it would be I had the escape plan. And that is exactly how I saw the direction of my life. I didn’t honestly have any hope that this treatment would be any different than any other antidepressants or cocktails from hell I have been prescribed over the last three decades. I had nothing left to give. I stuck around to try this last treatment only for my husband and son. The incredible part is we haven’t looked back since. I am working diligently on healing and Ketamine gives me the ability to do the work. I am super fortunate to have discovered Ketamine. This drug could help so many like me but it isn’t being used or talked about nearly enough! I am on a mission…. ?

I never believed my outlook on life could feel so completely opposite to the beliefs I have had in the past but they are. It hasn’t been reflected in the last couple post (excluding the poetry. I am posting many that were written in my teens and twenties. A history of mental illness in stance if you will.) and I know I still have several unanswered questions. Oh, that reminds me Dr. Steven Levine emailed me back Friday and agreed to discuss my case with my local doctor today. I am going to close for now and give Dr. Charles Moseley a call and check the status on what they decided regarding Ketamine and possible issues with my menopause results. It could be an explanation as to why the Ketamine wasn’t as effective as it typically is. Until next time. Keep moving upwards even if you have to crawl because at the top is Ketamine. I am crawling. I know what I will find. It is worth the bruises.

February 13 2017

crying alone

susangayhart Poetry afterlife, alone, anxiety, apprehensive, clinical depression, crying, death, depressed, depression, depression signals, emotions, grief, help, hope, insight, insomnia, Major Depressive Disorder, mental health, mental illness, myketaminestory, observing, pain, panic attacks, suicidal depression, suicide, suicide prevention, suidical depression, tears, weeping

Alone, tears on my pillow
soaked through to my soul
doesn’t seem to matter much
if someone is lying next to me
I still feel hallow inside

Wetness on a torn piece on paper
index finger outlines emotions within
eyes focus on emptiness, I see nothing at all
it’s the same every day and night
suicide races through my mind

The stopping of my heart
words written on the shred of reality
a life that wishes merely to die
the weeping never seems to end
afterlife to me could be a start

I ponder regularly of death
of closing my wet lashes
and finally cease to exist
where I am no longer apprehensive
I solely hunger for my life to conclude
SEG

February 11 2017

hallow

susangayhart Poetry alone, anger, anxiety, clinical depression, control, depressed, depression, depression signals, effects without ketamine, emotions, empty, feelings, grief, health care, help, insurance companies, ketamine, Major Depressive Disorder, myketaminestory, panic attacks, sadness, self aware, suicidal depression, suicide, suicide prevention, suidical depression, symptoms, treatment resistant depression, treatments

They said that they would help me
they voiced that they cared enough
not to let me down or let go so easily
instead they left me feeling empty inside

What they didn’t know is the insurance company
had all the control to what I could have
the people trying to help had no power
the insurance company took it all away

So I sit here feeling so hallow inside
anger is alive within me dancing
around and round, no ability to stop it
panic at the fact that I can’t have what I need

Lost and agonizing over and over again
vacant emotions all I can do is accept it
when I know that I should feel irate
indeed I am but what can I do but let it go

I’m so tired of being sick and lacking relief
I’m being shuffled from place to place
and the expense is killing me, no tears
It’s known that I am alone and vulnerable

So hallow internally that I want to scream
I want to shout out at the system
how am I ever going to trust anyone
when you keep pulling the rug out from beneath me?
SEG

February 9 2017

from where i am standing

susangayhart Blog alone, anxiety, clinical depression, depressed, depression signals, desire, effects without ketamine, emotions, grief, help, hope, hospitalizations, insight, insomnia, ketamine, ketamine day, ketamine effects, Major Depressive Disorder, menopause, mental health, mental illness, myketaminestory, observing, panic attacks, rheumatology, sadness, suicidal depression, suicide, suicide prevention, symptoms, treatment resistant depression, treatments

Hello again. It has been a grueling week. I am sincerely using everything in me to stay afloat. I am reaching out when I need to. That is a massive accomplishment in and of itself. I am known as being stubborn and not asking for help until the only options often lead to hospitalizations. I reached out to my local doctor, Dr. Moseley and I contacted the doctor I initially started my Ketamine treatments with, Dr. Steven Levine, by email. I am hoping for some answers because from where I am standing the waves are building and I am not ready to surf. I am shaking, isolated and I feel the undertow pulling. One thing I have found remarkable about the doctors I now allow to treat me is how after a year or more Dr. Levine still answered my email promptly. That my friends is impressive to me.

I am still struggling with pain. I have been to several doctors over the past weeks and I am trying to be patient but I am finding myself spending a lot of time breathing and centering myself. I am unfortunately painfully aware of how often I am stopping everything to breathe and gain clarity so I don’t snap and break. If I had to calculate I would say four or five times more daily I am spending inhaling and exhaling with purpose. I have so much tension in my body that it physically hurts to focus on my full breaths.

After seeing my family doctor for relief and answers to why I am having such unbearable, I am going to lose my job, screaming profanity in an empty room pain. I walked away with pain medicine, lab work and x-rays. All my blood work came back normal except the test for menopause. It clearly stated I am definitely experiencing menopause. It is wrecking my sleep, mood and possibly the Ketamine. I need to know, could menopause effect the way Ketamine works? I asked and sure, it is possible. Dr. Levine needed more information from me and was not comfortable addressing the issue in an email. I understand and respect that. I did push and requested he discuss my case with Dr. Moseley. I am praying he will agree to take the time. I am now in menopause and my emotions are all over the place; and the places it is taking me definitely not vacation worthy. I am wondering if my treatment needs to be temporarily adjusted. It seems unknown to me at the moment and it is probable that the answers are not available yet.

I was put me on pain medication for some relief last Thursday. I will say that did not turn out very well. They changed the prescription after one day and that change in medication surely didn’t go my way. It made me sick and quickly sent me to suicidal hell. I am fighting my way back after discontinuing the pills after three days. I stopped it out of fear for my mental sanity. However, the pain is excruciating. I have been trying to breathe through the pain and hot flashes. I will be honest I feel overwhelmed. I am not sleeping well, very little. I am wondering if the constant chronic pain and/or menopause could be a reason that the Ketamine doesn’t seem as effective this last time round.

I do realize that I have a lot on plate which could explain my “lack” of improvement after my last shot. I don’t know. And because I don’t have the answers I am forced to reach out in hopes that I can get reassurance or change treatment dose or frequency. I want insight. I desire to hop out of the pit I am in before it melts into quicksand and purges me into darkness.

I have been to doctor after doctor this past week or two. I have blood work results and x-rays. I also saw a specialist in Rheumatology yesterday and had more orders for blood work, Xrays and tests. They are narrowing down the cause of the hand pain. It is possibly an injury to my neck or more likely inflammation of the blood vessels – I believe the doctor said. I will know more…. with time. I am growing impatient.

The menopause is causing major issues with my clinical depression. I am very concerned. I can’t get up to NJ to see Dr. Levine very easily, but if I had to I would make the trip because I can’t slide any farther. It is already worrisome for me. I am getting further away from believing, with everything in me, that I can battle this especially if the Ketamine isn’t working as effectively as it did only weeks ago. This is very unusual.

I am hyper aware of the many changes I have accomplish with Ketamine. I have many questions and because this drug has little information available it is difficult for me to find the answers and reassure myself. If I speak with Dr. Moseley he often refers me to Dr. Levine for specific questions because there is still research being gathered and we both admit that we are continuing to learn as we go.

I am hanging over the edge here and trust me when I tell you that I have not been anywhere near this edge in a very long time. I feel I am a self aware person. The Ketamine, it keeps the depression filters off! My default setting is changing. I have lost several things in the past several weeks that I feel may have been avoided if there was the option to increase dose or frequency even if temporarily. But I have no idea.

I feel lost and desperate. And honestly angry. I know what life is without the depression filters and settings switched to the on position. Now I know what is available to me and how rich my life can be. As you that live in my dark world fully know, depression kills. I feel it is killing me. I still have to make it until next Tuesdays appointment. I am so grateful that it is a day earlier due to a scheduling issue on my part. I won’t hesitate to state I could use it today.

I am here, reaching out when I am fighting with myself to just let it go of life and that is unacceptable.

I know what Ketamine has done for me and I will keep announcing the power of this therapy. It has given me the tools to deal with living on the shoreline and not under that vast, deep, dark ocean waters. I have stood on the sandy beach and I refuse to sink. I have gained internal mental strength to endure and succeed. However, if there is something wrong with my life preserver when the currents are strong I am bracing myself because I fear I am going under. I think a tiny leak in my preserver is occurring. I am no longer playing in the sands building castle for my hopeful future. Instead I am on a piece of weathered wood and I am not confident at all that it will hold me up much longer. I hate this feeling. I so do. I don’t understand it. I don’t. I wish I did. I wish I could absorb the depths of the hows and whys of depression and how Ketamine factors into the equation. I have slightly embraced that I don’t need to completely get it all but that is laughable. Inquiring minds….

And I want to know.

February 9 2017

gone

susangayhart Poetry alive, alone, anxiety, clinical depression, dead inside, depressed, depression signals, desire, disappear, disappointments, effects without ketamine, emotions, fighting, guns, help, honesty, hospitalizations, insight, lonely, misery, pain, self aware, trigger

I feel so isolated
like I can’t relate to anyone
because no one truly knows me
or even cares to comprehend who I am

I feel completely dead inside
yet the pain is still very much alive
It’s fighting against me,
I want to end this awful suffering

The depression pulls me in and under
to a somber place, to a point
where I can’t control or react
to anything but hurt and disappointment

I want to close my eyes
and one day soon, very soon
end this dreadful misery
and be gone, to honestly disappear

To be gone, like the snow when it melts
like the sun when it sets
like a flower when it wilt and dies
I want to abandoned this life of mine
I should pull the trigger
SEG

February 8 2017

trust

susangayhart Poetry alone, antidepressants, anxiety, clinical depression, depressed, insomnia, Major Depressive Disorder, mental health, mental illness, myketaminestory, panic attacks, suicidal depression, suicide prevention, suidical depression, symptoms, treatment resistant depression, treatments

The feeling of death is upon me
I’ve plunged into the boiling hot pot
I was beginning to sense some relief
but for some unknown reasons I’ve fallen

No voice, no words that explain why,
why I can’t see straight, a reason to live
what happen to the power, the courage
the desire to fight to the every end?

I have broken down and lost
I’ve been struggling to win this war
I thought and strongly felt as though
I was on the right path this time

My depression, the illness caught me off guard
and now I feel I have no strength left
to attack back, no energy to want to win
my only urge is to crawl back into bed

To sleep and pray that I awake feeling differently
or to never arise again to such anguish
I want it all to end, to feel invigorated
to move on, however, I don’t perceive that as a reality

I used to believe desperately that
I would heal but I’m so uncertain now,
the doctors tell me they can help, In my heart
I acknowledge that I may not trust them anymore
SEG

February 4 2017

hiding and hurting

susangayhart Blog agoraphobia, alone, angry, anxiety, clinical depression, depressed, discouraged, effects without ketamine, feeling hopeless, grief, help, insomnia, ketamine, ketamine day, ketamine shots, menopause, pain in hands, panic attacks, suicidal depression, suicidal thoughts

Hello again. This is Susan from myketaminestory.com. This post will be pretty short. I am still experiencing excruciating pain in my hands. I believe the worse thing about the pain is it appears to be masking the Ketamine I just got on Wednesday. It is as though I didn’t even get my treatment. I don’t know if that is possible or not. I may need to call Dr. Levine. I feel like the world I am trying to build keeps unexpectedly imploding. I am in such a dark place. I am hiding and hurting. I am struggling to see the good. I am fighting to keep myself upbeat. I can’t. I am so upset. I am working so hard to get my life back and the universe is totally playing against me. I don’t understand. I keep feeling as if I am being punished. I don’t know what for. I am trying to be a good, caring and genuine person. I want to give up. I didn’t think I would be feeling this way after Ketamine. I am trying to get in touch with the doctors working with me to get answers. It is the weekend. So, you can imagine the success I am having. Zero. I was put on a pain medicine to try to combat the intense pain I am having. I am of course having a negative reaction to the medication and spent last night vomiting and being irrationally pissed off. My pain is so bad I would much rather literally die then breathe another breath. I am so exhausted. I am sick of everything blowing up in my face. It is looking like I am going to have to find another job because stocking shelves is subjecting my damaged hands to their limits. It appears to me that I can’t catch a break. If I do, it definitely seems short lived. I feel this post is a rant. I am sick of insomnia and pain disturbing my life. And what kind of life is this? I seriously can’t do anything. I want to scream. I want to give up. Man oh man, how I want to give up. I have had to call out of work the past two day and I can’t see being able to work with these hands. The act of typing is unbelievably difficult. I have done my share of crying the past couple days. And why can’t doctors call you back? I am waiting for my labs. According to my hubby the ones we can see look good so far. I guess that is positive news except for the minor issue of not knowing why I am in such pain. One lab test did read that I am in menopause apparently. I will read more on that later. I have put a call into Dr. Moseley because the Ketamine may not have effected me the way it usually does. Could it be because of the intense pain I am in? I will post poetry over next few days while my hands hopefully heal. I apologize for such a negative downer of a post. I wanted to touch base. I hope to have better news to share soon.

February 4 2017

why?

susangayhart Poetry alone, anxiety, clinical depression, depressed, depression, depression signals, emotions, help, lonely, longing, Major Depressive Disorder, meditation, mental health, mental illness, observing, questioning mental illness, suicidal depression, symptoms, treatment resistant depression

The sun it shines for me
but rain will surely
enter it’s way
for my life is not a picture
in some local magazine

No beautiful mountains to climb
because my pain has washed
them all away
no tall green trees to see this year
because my heart has burned them all down
can’t you see the flames?

Inside, in my mind, to me I
resemble a house made out of glass
my mental illness has taken over
and has began throwing stones
the pieces cut me up as it shatters

The illness, is like lightening or a razor
first it strikes me hard and deep
then cuts my face, my body and my soul
it’s bitter hate I ate
and it’s rotting me away
apart from everything, I simply ask why?
SEG

*I have spent almost my entire life trying to understand mental illness. I figured that once I understood I could then be the puppeteer instead of the puppet. It doesn’t seem to work that way. I wrote this poem in my mid to late twenties. If I got it, I could stop it. Nope.