alone

Hello again.  It has been a grueling week.  I am sincerely using everything in me to stay afloat.  I am reaching out when I need to.  That is a massive accomplishment in and of itself.  I am known as being stubborn and not asking for help until the only options often lead to hospitalizations.  I reached out to my local doctor, Dr. Moseley and I contacted the doctor I initially started my Ketamine treatments with, Dr. Steven Levine, by email.  I am hoping for some answers because from where I am standing the waves are building and I am not ready to surf.  I am shaking, isolated and I feel the undertow pulling.  One thing I have found remarkable about the doctors I now allow to treat me is how after a year or more Dr. Levine still answered my email promptly.  That my friends is impressive to me.

I am still struggling with pain.   I have been to several doctors over the past weeks and I am trying to be patient but I am finding myself spending a lot of time breathing and centering myself.  I am unfortunately painfully aware of how often I am stopping everything to breathe and gain clarity so I don’t snap and break.  If I had to calculate I would say four or five times more daily I am spending inhaling and exhaling with purpose.  I have so much tension in my body that it physically hurts to focus on my full breaths.

After seeing my family doctor for relief and answers to why I am having such unbearable, I am going to lose my job, screaming profanity in an empty room pain.  I walked away with pain medicine, lab work and x-rays.  All my blood work came back normal except the test for menopause.  It clearly stated I am definitely experiencing menopause.  It is wrecking my sleep, mood and possibly the Ketamine.  I need to know, could menopause effect the way Ketamine works?  I asked and sure, it is possible.  Dr. Levine needed more information from me and was not comfortable addressing the issue in an email.  I understand and respect that.  I did push and requested he discuss my case with Dr. Moseley.  I am praying he will agree to take the time.   I am now in menopause and my emotions are all over the place; and the places it is taking me definitely not vacation worthy.  I am wondering if my treatment needs to be temporarily adjusted.  It seems unknown to me at the moment and it is probable that the answers are not available yet.

I was put me on pain medication for some relief last Thursday.  I will say that did not turn out very well.  They changed the prescription after one day and that change in medication surely didn’t go my way.  It made me sick and quickly sent me to suicidal hell.  I am fighting my way back after discontinuing the pills after three days.  I stopped it out of fear for my mental sanity.  However, the pain is excruciating.  I have been trying to breathe through the pain and hot flashes.  I will be honest I feel overwhelmed.  I am not sleeping well, very little.  I am wondering if the constant chronic pain and/or menopause could be a reason that the Ketamine doesn’t seem as effective this last time round.

I do realize that I have a lot on plate which could explain my “lack” of improvement after my last shot.  I don’t know.  And because I don’t have the answers I am forced to reach out in hopes that I can get reassurance or change treatment dose or frequency.  I want insight.  I desire to hop out of the pit I am in before it melts into quicksand and purges me into darkness.

I have been to doctor after doctor this past week or two.  I have blood work results and x-rays.  I also saw a specialist in Rheumatology yesterday and had more orders for blood work, Xrays and tests.  They are narrowing down the cause of the hand pain.  It is possibly an injury to my neck or more likely inflammation of the blood vessels – I believe the doctor said.  I will know more…. with time.  I am growing impatient.

The menopause is causing major issues with my clinical depression.  I am very concerned.  I can’t get up to NJ to see Dr. Levine very easily, but if I had to I would make the trip because I can’t slide any farther.  It is already worrisome for me.  I am getting further away from believing, with everything in me, that I can battle this especially if the Ketamine isn’t working as effectively as it did only weeks ago.  This is very unusual.

I am hyper aware of the many changes I have accomplish with Ketamine.  I have many questions and because this drug has little information available it is difficult for me to find the answers and reassure myself.  If I speak with Dr. Moseley he often refers me to Dr. Levine for specific questions because there is still research being gathered and we both admit that we are continuing to learn  as we go.

I am hanging over the edge here and trust me when I tell you that I have not been anywhere near this edge in a very long time.  I feel I am a self aware person.  The Ketamine, it keeps the depression filters off!  My default setting is changing.  I have lost several things in the past several weeks that I feel may have been avoided if there was the option to increase dose or frequency even if temporarily. But I have no idea.

I feel lost and desperate. And honestly angry. I know what life is without the depression filters and settings switched to the on position.  Now I know what is available to me and how rich my life can be.  As you that live in my dark world fully know, depression kills.  I feel it is killing me.  I still have to make it until next Tuesdays appointment.  I am so grateful that it is a day earlier due to a scheduling issue on my part.  I won’t hesitate to state I could use it today.

I am here, reaching out when I am fighting with myself to just let it go of life and that is unacceptable.

I know what Ketamine has done for me and I will keep announcing the power of this therapy.  It has given me the tools to deal with living on the shoreline and not under that vast, deep, dark ocean waters.  I have stood on the sandy beach and I refuse to sink.  I have gained internal mental strength to endure and succeed.  However, if there is something wrong with my life preserver when the currents are strong I am bracing myself because I fear I am going under.  I think a tiny leak in my preserver is occurring.  I am no longer playing in the sands building castle for my hopeful future.  Instead I am on a piece of weathered wood and I am not confident at all that it will hold me up much longer.  I hate this feeling.  I so do.  I don’t understand it.  I don’t.  I wish I did.  I wish I could absorb the depths of the hows and whys of depression and how Ketamine factors into the equation.  I have slightly embraced that I don’t need to completely get it all but that is laughable.   Inquiring minds….

And I want to know.