Poetry – Page 9

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time for thoughts

February 19 2017

memories

susangayhart Poetry agoraphobia, alone, antidepressants, anxiety, choices, doctors, ECT, hate, longing, Major Depressive Disorder, mental health, mental illness, misinformed, myketaminestory, observing, OCD, painful, panic attacks, sadness, self aware, stolen, suicidal depression, suicide, suicide prevention, suidical depression, symptoms, terror, treatment resistant depression, treatments

The panic I feel when things don’t go as planned
I can’t breathe, think or know how to react
my memory it does not help or ease the fright
and that sense of anger overwhelms me
due to my choice to have electro convulsive therapy

I want to recall with all my might to be able
to reminiscence and have the knowledge I lost
it upsets me to no end all that’s gone
when others say that it is alright in time it will return
what they don’t realize is it didn’t happen to them

It’s not fine what I have forfeited because of my choice
the doctors, everyone I talk to tell me that eventually
someday I’ll recollect all that was stolen from me
until that day or moment when it’s supposed to occur
how do I handle all the anxiety and depression I feel

I want back what I perceive I can’t have
nevertheless I deserve to possess each and every event
that has been seized from me, I can’t stop obsessing about it
even though I agreed to under go shock treatment
It’s causing me such distress, it’s eating me alive
SEG

*Most of the poetry posted on my website was written during my teens and twenties. There are a few exceptions but typically I find myself wanting to journal regularly and write poetry if inspired. Poetry has been my therapist during many trying times. I have decided to post these poems because it reflects my history with suicidal depression and the struggles I encountered trying to cope with life and depression.

February 18 2017

strength

susangayhart Poetry agony, alone, anguish, anxiety, clinical depression, courage, death, depression, depression signals, despair, die, emotions, mental health, mental illness, myketaminestory, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, power, strength

I have a problem that few understand
it’s a mental illness that I can’t stop or control
although I would love to be able to
this illness may never fade away
do I have the strength to cope with it?

A person once told me optimistically
have the power to get through today
try not to look forward to the day ahead
just attempt to live for the moment
for tomorrow may never arrive

In such despair and total agony
I find it difficult to think that way
I search each day to locate the ability
a place in my mind where I don’t obsess
about the past or what tomorrow may bring

I think and wonder nonstop, frightfully
will I feel such depression and anguish
tomorrow as I do currently I want to know
can I make it when all I want is to die
do I have the energy and desire to live for the day?

I must repeat in my mind over and over again
I have the courage and strength I need
to fight, to succeed and continue for just today
I remind myself I have the power within me
I only need to remember that each day as it occurs
SEG