Poetry – Page 14

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time for thoughts

February 9 2017

gone

susangayhart Poetry alive, alone, anxiety, clinical depression, dead inside, depressed, depression signals, desire, disappear, disappointments, effects without ketamine, emotions, fighting, guns, help, honesty, hospitalizations, insight, lonely, misery, pain, self aware, trigger

I feel so isolated
like I can’t relate to anyone
because no one truly knows me
or even cares to comprehend who I am

I feel completely dead inside
yet the pain is still very much alive
It’s fighting against me,
I want to end this awful suffering

The depression pulls me in and under
to a somber place, to a point
where I can’t control or react
to anything but hurt and disappointment

I want to close my eyes
and one day soon, very soon
end this dreadful misery
and be gone, to honestly disappear

To be gone, like the snow when it melts
like the sun when it sets
like a flower when it wilt and dies
I want to abandoned this life of mine
I should pull the trigger
SEG

*Most of the poetry posted on my website was written during my teens and twenties. There are a few exceptions but typically I find myself wanting to journal regularly and write poetry if inspired. Poetry has been my therapist during many trying times. I have decided to post these poems because it reflects my history with suicidal depression and the struggles I encountered trying to cope with life and depression.

February 8 2017

trust

susangayhart Poetry alone, antidepressants, anxiety, clinical depression, depressed, insomnia, Major Depressive Disorder, mental health, mental illness, myketaminestory, panic attacks, suicidal depression, suicide prevention, suidical depression, symptoms, treatment resistant depression, treatments

The feeling of death is upon me
I’ve plunged into the boiling hot pot
I was beginning to sense some relief
but for some unknown reasons I’ve fallen

No voice, no words that explain why,
why I can’t see straight, a reason to live
what happen to the power, the courage
the desire to fight to the every end?

I have broken down and lost
I’ve been struggling to win this war
I thought and strongly felt as though
I was on the right path this time

My depression, the illness caught me off guard
and now I feel I have no strength left
to attack back, no energy to want to win
my only urge is to crawl back into bed

To sleep and pray that I awake feeling differently
or to never arise again to such anguish
I want it all to end, to feel invigorated
to move on, however, I don’t perceive that as a reality

I used to believe desperately that
I would heal but I’m so uncertain now,
the doctors tell me they can help, In my heart
I acknowledge that I may not trust them anymore
SEG