Poetry – Page 13

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time for thoughts

February 11 2017

hallow

susangayhart Poetry alone, anger, anxiety, clinical depression, control, depressed, depression, depression signals, effects without ketamine, emotions, empty, feelings, grief, health care, help, insurance companies, ketamine, Major Depressive Disorder, myketaminestory, panic attacks, sadness, self aware, suicidal depression, suicide, suicide prevention, suidical depression, symptoms, treatment resistant depression, treatments

They said that they would help me
they voiced that they cared enough
not to let me down or let go so easily
instead they left me feeling empty inside

What they didn’t know is the insurance company
had all the control to what I could have
the people trying to help had no power
the insurance company took it all away

So I sit here feeling so hallow inside
anger is alive within me dancing
around and round, no ability to stop it
panic at the fact that I can’t have what I need

Lost and agonizing over and over again
vacant emotions all I can do is accept it
when I know that I should feel irate
indeed I am but what can I do but let it go

I’m so tired of being sick and lacking relief
I’m being shuffled from place to place
and the expense is killing me, no tears
It’s known that I am alone and vulnerable

So hallow internally that I want to scream
I want to shout out at the system
how am I ever going to trust anyone
when you keep pulling the rug out from beneath me?
SEG

*Most of the poetry posted on my website was written during my teens and twenties. There are a few exceptions but typically I find myself wanting to journal regularly and write poetry if inspired. Poetry has been my therapist during many trying times. I have decided to post these poems because it reflects my history with suicidal depression and the struggles I encountered trying to cope with life and depression.

February 10 2017

voices

susangayhart Poetry depression signals, desire, devastation, feelings, freedom, heal, healthy thinking, help, lonely, mental illness, myketaminestory, panic attacks, recovery, sadness, scared, struggle, suicidal depression, suicide prevention, support, symptoms, treatment resistant depression, trust, voices, wounds

Why do the voices within me want me to die?
the voices tell me that if people really cared
they would find the time, but they have no time for me
because the phone the phone never rings
why when they told me they’d be there?

The devastation that I feel means
little or nothing to any of them
I’m scared, alone and so depressed
no place for freedom or peace of mind
will these feelings of loneliness ever end?

It seems that I can’t get the voices to just disappear
I struggle daily to silence them but in the end they reappear
I know that I need help and lots of support from somewhere
won’t you assist me and show me the way to healthy thinking?
I want to be held so tight that I can locate the power inside

I wish I could have the desire to continue to live
if I could only allow someone to get that close to me
oh, if I could only trust someone enough to stay
yet I find myself frighten to be that open to anyone
it leaves me with the feeling I have no place to call home.

The voices in my head tell me no one would care if I vanished
acquaintances that have tried to rearrange my life
but they never had my interest at heart only their own
which only made everything indirectly so much worse
Plenty of ammunition to draw upon.
nothing is ever good enough to heal my wounds

I wonder will I ever succeed and get better mentally
or will it just end with a sad letter to those I know
saying I couldn’t cope with my mental illness
the feelings never ease up,
the power, courage and desire
I couldn’t locate any of them in time
in order to grasp on to life
so I let go
SEG