Poetry

February 25 2017

courage

susangayhart Poetry courage, depression, fault, inner power, Major Depressive Disorder, myketaminestory, obsessive thoughts, OCD, silence, thoughts, treatment resistant depression, voices, willingness

The sun can be shining
shining so bright
yet inside my heart is dark and dying
and I’m crying all the time, but you can’t see

The words you say to me
hurt me immensely
but how can I reply to you
when you don’t comprehend

The thoughts that race through my head
I have no control over them
I obsess and obsess over and over again
and nothing I do can quiet them

I have a difficult time
explaining to you the voices
the voices I hear, are not my fault
neither is the depression that accompanies them

All I can do is look for the courage
to fight and attempt to silence them
It takes power and plenty of it
to withstand the depression and have the desire to live
SEG

*Most of the poetry posted on my website was written during my teens and twenties. There are a few exceptions but typically I find myself wanting to journal regularly and write poetry if inspired. Poetry has been my therapist during many trying times. I have decided to post these poems because it reflects my history with suicidal depression and the struggles I encountered trying to cope with life and depression.

February 24 2017

death

susangayhart Poetry alone, angry, answers, antidepressants, anxiety, clinical depression, complex puzzle, death, depressed, depression signals, doubts, freedom, friendships, god, help, Major Depressive Disorder, panic attacks, pleas, sadness, self aware, suicidal depression, suicide prevention, suidical depression, treatment resistant depression, wonder

Death, it lives inside me
it makes it hard for me to breathe
it causes me to have a difficult time concentrating
to see things straight and clear

My interior mind is jumbled
similar to a complex puzzle
I’m finding that none of the pieces fit
I often wonder why I got this puzzle

I look to the sky to locate the answers
thought “God” might know the reason why
but He leaves me hanging and guessing
I beg him and plead with him please

I believe God holds the strings to my life
as time goes on I start to doubt myself and God
I mean how could a “God” that loves, allow such pain
as life continues and I start to wonder if there is a God

I wonder sometimes why I must stay in a place
where I wish not to be, I have become angry at the Lord
for allowing my heartache or anyone’s to linger so long
why won’t he accept me into his world, cut the strings and let me be free?
SEG

February 23 2017

deception

susangayhart Poetry affairs, alone, anxiety, clinical depression, deception, desire, emotional affair, insight, lies, lonely, longing, loving, Major Depressive Disorder, meditation, mental health, mental illness, myketaminestory, panic attacks, relationships, sadness, suicidal depression, suicide, suicide prevention, suidical depression, support, symptoms, treatment resistant depression

I hurt the one that I love immensely
I am ashamed of, and very angry too
could it be that my illness caused it?
I did so many actions that I can undo
carried out too many unforgivable things

Can he or I ever forgive myself for my conduct?
the reasons for my deception hurts inside
I devoted myself to man in marriage
why did I break that commitment to him?
was it because I thought he didn’t care?

I believed that he didn’t understand my mental illness
that the love we once shared so deeply
was no longer in existence, plainly dead
did I destroy a relationship I treasured?
morally I let go of what was meaningful to me

I went looking for others for the support and love
how can he ever pardon the affair when I know
that his heart is breaking from half a world away
will our marriage withstand all that I have done
or will it end in a wicked and ugly divorce?
SEG

February 22 2017

friendship

susangayhart Poetry alone, anxiety, clinical depression, confidant, depressed, friendships, insight, insomnia, listen, mental illness, mindful, openness, speak freely

There are so many people that one meets
some we like, others we don’t for various reasons
it could be they misunderstand you
in which case you may be forced to act or pretend
but with an authentic friend
they will be there until the very end

No lies need be spoken, no show to put on
with a true friend anything that is said
will not cause the friendship to diminish
it won’t shatter or be broken
uniquely, it strengthens the bond, permits you to be open
complete honesty with no censorship

They’ll let you speak your mind freely
an individual that accepts everything about you
your success and also your failures
It’s someone you can tell your deepest feelings to
and know that their reply will be real
not just what they think you want to hear

It’s somebody you can call upon any time
during the day or even in the middle of the night
a confidant is truly tough to find
so hold on tight when you discover one
because a genuine friend will listen and truly care about you
they won’t leave you or hurt you when you need them most
SEG

February 21 2017

insightful

susangayhart Poetry anxiety, clinical depression, conversations, depressed, depression signals, ECT, fault, guilt, hate, help, hurt, longing, lost, love, Major Depressive Disorder, mental health, mental illness, observing, panic attacks, remembering, sadness, self aware, side effects, suicidal depression, suicide, suicide prevention, suidical depression, symptoms, treatment resistant depression, treatments

When I first met you, I was extremely ill
but you looked into my blue eyes,
eyes that I figure hide everything
all my pain, all my anger, my entire life
yet you could see that I had no childhood

You were correct, I was robbed of the laughter,
the enjoyment all the things a child should have
I grew up resentful, alone and feeling awful
I thought that every dreadful episode was my fault and guilt
accompanied every event in my life, even before I was able to fight back

I really don’t know how you knew these things
when I was an expert at disguising what lie inside
you could see my inner soul when others couldn’t
tears came because of my broken heart, you said
I must have felt safe with you to be so open

I would love to know, to remember
all the conversations we have had
I pray daily for my memory to return
I practice every chance I get not to be so upset
at the devastating fact that I can’t recall any of them

I do thank you for having the recollections that you do
I listen closely for words, stories, incidents
that may trigger my mind into the past months
so far nothing has been restored to me
but with your caring and sharing, maybe one day
SEG

February 20 2017

lost

susangayhart Poetry alone, anger, baggage, communication, death, depressed, friendships, grief, insight, issues, longing, lost, relationship, suicide prevention, suidical depression, symptoms, tears, treatment resistant depression, trust

The anger that’s inside me
oh, how the anger within me is on fire
I often wonder if I’ll ever find
the water to diminish it

The relationship between us
It just not right
the tension, oh the awful tension
sends flames straight to the sky

I’m lost, so lost as to what to do
what is there to do?
our communication is extinct
and there are many words left unspoken

I feel such fear, too much fear
that all I can do is brush away the tears
If the air is not cleared soon
what will happen to us?

Will the trust ever be restored
or should I head for the door
luggage in both hands
with no future plans, except maybe death?
SEG

February 19 2017

memories

susangayhart Poetry agoraphobia, alone, antidepressants, anxiety, choices, doctors, ECT, hate, longing, Major Depressive Disorder, mental health, mental illness, misinformed, myketaminestory, observing, OCD, painful, panic attacks, sadness, self aware, stolen, suicidal depression, suicide, suicide prevention, suidical depression, symptoms, terror, treatment resistant depression, treatments

The panic I feel when things don’t go as planned
I can’t breathe, think or know how to react
my memory it does not help or ease the fright
and that sense of anger overwhelms me
due to my choice to have electro convulsive therapy

I want to recall with all my might to be able
to reminiscence and have the knowledge I lost
it upsets me to no end all that’s gone
when others say that it is alright in time it will return
what they don’t realize is it didn’t happen to them

It’s not fine what I have forfeited because of my choice
the doctors, everyone I talk to tell me that eventually
someday I’ll recollect all that was stolen from me
until that day or moment when it’s supposed to occur
how do I handle all the anxiety and depression I feel

I want back what I perceive I can’t have
nevertheless I deserve to possess each and every event
that has been seized from me, I can’t stop obsessing about it
even though I agreed to under go shock treatment
It’s causing me such distress, it’s eating me alive
SEG

February 18 2017

strength

susangayhart Poetry agony, alone, anguish, anxiety, clinical depression, courage, death, depression, depression signals, despair, die, emotions, mental health, mental illness, myketaminestory, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, power, strength

I have a problem that few understand
it’s a mental illness that I can’t stop or control
although I would love to be able to
this illness may never fade away
do I have the strength to cope with it?

A person once told me optimistically
have the power to get through today
try not to look forward to the day ahead
just attempt to live for the moment
for tomorrow may never arrive

In such despair and total agony
I find it difficult to think that way
I search each day to locate the ability
a place in my mind where I don’t obsess
about the past or what tomorrow may bring

I think and wonder nonstop, frightfully
will I feel such depression and anguish
tomorrow as I do currently I want to know
can I make it when all I want is to die
do I have the energy and desire to live for the day?

I must repeat in my mind over and over again
I have the courage and strength I need
to fight, to succeed and continue for just today
I remind myself I have the power within me
I only need to remember that each day as it occurs
SEG

February 17 2017

questions

susangayhart Poetry afraid, alone, anxiety, clinical depression, death, discover, dreams, heartache, insight, loneliness, Major Depressive Disorder, outdoors, panic attacks, suicidal depression, suicide, suicide prevention, suidical depression, symptoms, thoughts, treatment resistant depression

People tell me in my heart
I really don’t want to die
but in my mind I hear otherwise
I can’t stop the thoughts in my head
no matter how hard I try

Even if I think of the outdoors
of nature, the sun, the stars
I can dream of the mountains and trees
the summer hikes on my favorite trails
that’s all disappeared, no longer there

What I discover now
Is only loneliness and heartache
deadly thoughts of death and suicide
I want to hide from it all
to turn it off my thoughts as if they were a television

But I can’t switch off the voices in my head
I am afraid to be alone
yet at the same time
I want no one around
why doesn’t any of it make sense to me?
SEG

February 16 2017

the dream

susangayhart Poetry agoraphobia, alone, anxiety, clinical depression, depression signals, devil, distress, dream. gifts, exhausted, god, happiness, hell, lord, Major Depressive Disorder, mask, mental health, mental illness, pain, peace, suicidal depression, suicide, suicide prevention, suidical depression, symptoms, tired, tragic war, treatment resistant depression

The dream, that’s what it would be
the dream to have just one day of peace
this depression, it’s killing me
if for some time I could be happy
I’d continue to live and struggle
just to be rid of this disease

If I could find the joys of the world
and not to feel so damn miserable
I’d search and seek to locate that place
the area that knows nothing of such horrible pain
the time where I wouldn’t have to wear a mask
to pretend to be what everyone imagines me to be

I’m tired, tired of trying to fight
and very few people I know understand,
truly comprehend the war I’m in
a tragic war, that I can only dream of winning
I often wonder why that is, why they can’t
Why do they think I can just “snap out of it”?

The hell that I exist in, is pure distress
an area where demons have hold of me
I desperately want to destroy the devil inside
so that he can never affect me again
the dream I pray to the Lord every day
I want to have that one day of peace and happiness
SEG