searching for balance
Hello again. I am painfully discovering that having treatment resistant depression for decades kept me from experiencing life fully. I was drowning under an dark vast ocean invisible to everyone but me. My world has always been plagued by this undeniable feeling that I was different. I believe that I didn’t see the world the ways others did but couldn’t understand why. I have always felt like an alien walking among a huge population. It wasn’t until I had Ketamine in my life that the distinctions were obvious to me. I am floating on the waters I used to live in. I feel so uplifted and positive. I am enjoying the possibilities. However, it is beginning to feel impossible to stay optimistic because the real world is incredibly negative. I can breathe. I want to live. I look for good. I easily see it now. The problem I am encountering is that nagging feeling that most of society wants to break me. There are so many negative people. I understand how my cheerful approach could rub people the wrong way. I am sure it could be annoying. I fight to stay above others misery but I am struggling to find a balance. I get so discouraged. I mean I get it, sort of. The general population haven’t lived in the crushing life sucking pit those of us with Major Depressive Disorder have. My universe shifted with Ketamine. I don’t want to view the world the way I once did and mainly that reason is due to the fact I don’t have the depression filters on. I am in the light. When you’ve lived in pitch black all your life and someone or something, such as Ketamine, switches on a light the effects are profound. Now you can see colors and feel the breeze touching your skin where once the air was stale and world gray. You can truly appreciate the simple things. For me, the blinders of depression are open and I really like what I am seeing and experiencing. I smile more. I openly greet people. I try hard to learn about this new world I am in. I am learning the world is an entertaining place to be alive in. I feel alive. I am alive and ironically everyone else appears to be zombies. Why is everyone so miserable? I want to know, can’t they let go of the pettiness and hating? I am shocked. The place I was existing seems so dull in comparison to life as it is today. I am trying unsuccessfully to grasp the fact that I have had a profound change occur with Ketamine. It lifts the weight and I raise to the top of those petrifying depths of despair. I know and feel the difference. I want to tone down my enthusiasm to be more accepted, but I also refuse to die inside because the people around me are spiritually dead. I am searching for a balance. I was so far away from the living world, and many were, and are unaware. I don’t need others to know my past but I think they would understand my approach if they did. I haven’t figured out why it is so important to me to be understood. I am still exploring. 
It is disappointing that more people don’t embrace what an amazing life we have been given. I want to live in the now. I am training myself to be present. I won’t lie. It is excruciating. I am trying to discover myself in this new world that has opened up to me and it is quizzical. I am enjoying most of my discoveries even through my confusion. I just don’t want this new world full of half living individuals to destroy me. I am discouraged today. I am working again. It is a challenge. I am grateful that I am able. I feel I have so much to offer. I am running into closed doors and tall unbreakable walls. This is all still so fresh to me. I am processing. I want to be a better person. A whole one. I am having emotions I don’t necessarily have experience with because the depression numbed me. I think, I didn’t know all the emotions I could feel. I have had to redefine my emotional language. What I mean by that is my knowledge of the definitions of feelings was strong. I believed I was in touch and self aware. However, my first hand experience was damaged by my mental illness. I feel with Ketamine I am distinguishing the differences. I will give you an example. As I have stated I have lost many things because of my depression. Friends have passed away. Disappointments, massive ones, have occurred and my depression deepened. I did not grieve. I thought the depression was evidence that I was going through the stages of loss. I have recently realized I was crying when I thought I saw a friend that passed away almost three years ago. It startled me. What was going on? What were the tears about? It had only been a few days since my Ketamine shot. I was perplexed and afraid. Was the depression resurfacing during the period between treatments? I think feeling any sadness at all has been my deepest concern. I question with fear. It was only after months of treatment that I realized everyone gets sad. Grief isn’t clinical depression. Having a day of tears doesn’t equate to a lifetime of spiraling depression or hospitalizations. I have to constantly remind myself. I try every day to use the correct terms to express myself. I feel this is an valuable asset for my recovery. It is definitely a frustrating component. It is also the way in which I have grown most over the past year. I am still a work in progress just like this website…
