i can see the sun but still a prisoner i feel

Hello again.  It has been a very long while.  This past Wednesday was Ketamine day for me, and I feel the need to express myself at last.  I have been away for several reasons.  I could jot down all of the excuses and make them believable to some, and lies to many more, but I stayed away for one reason.  ME.  It was selfish.  Maybe.

I know that when you share in an open forum you risk misunderstandings and negativity.  I honestly thought I was emotionally strong enough to withstand the scrutiny and ignorance.  I naively believed that my words and story would shout louder than the skeptics.  The fundamental problem is the lack of information available to support my personal experiences.  I have lived with treatment resistant depression and anxiety for decades.  I have been so far into the darkness that I forgot what the sun looked like.  I was told repeatedly that I had a candle burning to light my way back to the surface.  I constantly denied this spark existed.  I could not locate it, no matter how hard I clawed and crawled my way around the darkness of depression.

In January of 2015,  I took it upon myself to extinguish the smoldering fire.  I have tried many times to end my suffering.  The last time I was not afraid.  I was so completely raw and broken.  I had doctors reeling to find a solution.  A few of my doctors have wanted to find a possible way to pull me into the sun but to no avail.  I have undergone countless procedures and taken countless medications, with only horrific side effects and more health concerns as a result, along with my constant desire to take myself out of this bloody nightmare filled with a harmful package of lies.  That is what depression is to me now: a sad, torn, and beaten package of destructive lies.  Ketamine gifted me with the ability to recognize the difference between truth and fiction.

It was during my time in limbo that my husband found an article on Ketamine and its new uses with treatment resistant depression.  I barely survived the time it took to get the money saved for the experimental treatment.  I had no hope.  That is what darkness will do, it will kill hope.  However, Ketamine therapy pulled me up and into the sun.  I assist the Ketamine by constantly working to make mental connections between my behavior and thoughts and the way I interpret the world around me now.  I can see the sun but still I am a prisoner of depression.  I know that if I was not getting Ketamine treatments the darkness could easily engulf me.  While that may be true, I also realized one amazing belief…  I am the sunshine.  I fight daily to shine and reflect.  I want to be so bright that I can help lead the way out of darkness for others just like me.  Ketamine may be a solution.  It was my solution.

Please understand:  Ketamine is a drug to help.  It is not a cure.  You will not get six infusions and lead a symptom free life.  Ketamine will probably replace your current medications and therapies, or some of them.  While this may seem discouraging, I know it is not.  I get IM Ketamine once every two weeks!  One drug.  No lasting side effects.  (I have been known to get sick during  the brief time the Ketamine is in my system,  or feel “hungover” for the remainder of the day.)

I am engaging in life.  I know I see the sun and yet still have bars all around me, but each day I destroy another brick, and more iron and steel.  I have faith that the prison I find myself in is temporary.  I feel the warmth of the sun, and it dries my tears and makes me sweat out toxic thoughts and habits.  Ketamine has given me clarity.  I am not in a haze.  I know this feeling will last for a solid week or more.  The time between appointments and how well the Ketamine works and last is frustratingly unpredictable.  What I am saying is,  I have gone 12 days feeling amazing.  I have also gone only four days after a session of Ketamine.  It is important to be aware and to question.  This drug is so new for treating depression.  There is not enough evidence to state too many facts about Ketamine and if it does or doesn’t work.  There are more and more of us proving that it does.  I have had success with Ketamine in IV, Intramuscular, and nasal forms.  I personally receive IM Ketamine every two weeks, and as I stated, I have been for over two years now.  I find that if I am stressed or exhausted  it is harder for the Ketamine to last as long.  During situational stress, sadness, and grief the feeling that Ketamine is assisting in any way feels limited.  The mind is powerful.  And so are habits.

I spent decades battling this disease.  I have often failed miserably in my attempts to save myself from the demons living in my mind.  I would keep trying.  Trying until I could no longer.  A vicious cycle.  I have a tool box full of coping strategies.  I am proud to say I am capable of benefiting from using these tools now.  I see progress.  It takes time.  Unfortunately, it also takes a great deal of money.  One day, I hope this will not be the case.  It is very difficult advocating for a drug I know costs so little yet the industry is making a fortune off of.  My only suggestion is to approach local doctors with the hopes of educating them.  Try inspiring them to want to get involved in your success and in this massive shift in pharmacological treatments of mood disorders.  I can attest to how marvelous Ketamine has been for me.  It will continue to aid me in my recovery.  I trust Ketamine.

I can’t express enough how much I am enjoying the sunshine.  These bars around me are an illusion.  I will break free.  One by one.  I know these walls and materials have their weaknesses too.  I will find them and obliterate each one.  I know with time and the help of Ketamine I will redefine my default setting.  I already am.  It is frustrating and time consuming.  I want to be whole.  I want to no longer identify with being broken.  This takes time.  I keep reminding myself.

I have found over the last month that innocent questions about my recovery forced me into doubt and negativity.  I spoke to my doctor about my concerns and what I was hoping to accomplish by blogging about Ketamine and depression.  I had to pull back to get strong and recalculate my goal.  I know I have an issue with wanting to be super human and save all of us tortured souls.  I want to shout about Ketamine.

People are curious but so uneducated.  I have a history of success with Ketamine, yet there are some wanting only to mention the street and club version of the drug they have tried or read about.  The clinical trials have been with IV Ketamine and not Intramuscular (IM) Ketamine shots, so it absolutely annoys me when I read that “IV Ketamine is the only safe, effective method”.  This is undeniably a disservice for those that can’t afford infusions but could surely benefit from other Ketamine delivery methods.

I say, approach your psychiatrist, family doctor, or another close physician you feel comfortable confiding in and investigate the possibility that they would be willing to administer Ketamine shots, or even prescribe nasal Ketamine.  It is worth it.

I know I can see and feel the sun after decades of  life being pitch black and cold.  I know I may still feel a prisoner of depression when the Ketamine starts to lose its grip and the depression filters get switched back on.  When breathing is all I want to do but can’t.  I sense when I am sliding.  I get uncomfortable.  I get resentful.  I still have much work to do to break enough space between a couple of bars to crawl through.  The fantastic thing is, I know where to dig. And, I am getting better at using all the tools around me to get the job done.  I may be a prisoner, but in no way am I trapped here.  I have Ketamine.

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